One-liners of what you'd say to graduates?

[Snaploud]

This seems appropriate:

David Tennant (The Tenth Doctor) says "Sorry"... 120 times!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHVW-S9JkKA

 

[SicOne]

"Ladies and gentlemen of the graduating class:

You're fucked. Good luck.

This is the future of America: Every public job out there that pays over minimum wage will get subcontracted out to a private company that will rehire at minimum wage. Unions will be systematically eliminated in private sector jobs and wages will be cut. Private sector part-time jobs will start universally at minimum wage, no matter the experience. Salaried jobs will go hourly in as many situations as possible, outside of retail management, which will stay salaried but eat a pay cut, so they work more hours for the same money. Pretty soon, the most high-paying, desirable jobs won't be $20/hour jobs or salaried jobs that make $50k, but $9 jobs. This will be the height to which most people aspire.

It's already happening. 29 cents per mile is what stingy corporations paid for travel 15 years ago, and now it's become a standard in the private sector. More and more retail stores are eliminating department manager jobs and only hiring minimum-wage jobs, reducing yearly increases, and making assistant managers hourly.

This is all happening as the dollar buys less, and prices and the cost of living go up.

Big business and libertarians like the Koch Brothers are trying to find an economic sweet spot where they can reduce wages to the lowest possible amount while still maintaining a precarious level of consumer spending on useless luxury goods. However, this razor-sharp equilibrium is so easy to tip that it won't be long until Americans can no longer afford pricey stuff like iPads, cell phones, cars, couches, expensive snack food, etc, which will wipe out a lot of stores, restaurants, service industries, so on and so forth, eliminating the jobs that these corporations claim their massive tax breaks creating non-existent tax burdens are needed to create.

You're entering a world in which these corporations think they are nowhere near the bottom of how low they can drive wages. Through some embarrassingly high level of cognitive dissonance, they feel that they are correcting some sort of imbalance that is irresponsibly and unfairly hurting businesses (i.e. paying wages that are needlessly high because of dirty liberal influence).

And in the process, it's destroying the American ideal of capitalism more than anything else. Why bother working hard if you're going to get shit upon? Between people looking elsewhere for employment and actual opportunity and open theft, companies are not going to get much profit once everyone is reduced to groveling serfs. At some point people stop being 'grateful' for jobs, and become complacent or just start ripping stuff off.

Good luck in this world.

With best wishes,
The rest of us working schmucks."

As much as I'd like to call you an incorrigible cynic...you're not far from the truth, pardner!

So I'll just give this advice to the grads.

"PULL UP YOUR FUCKIN' PANTS!!!"

 

[Balrog]

"The self-esteem gravy train is over. You're not special."

 

[captcalhoun]

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

 

[Gary7]

"The self-esteem gravy train is over. You're not special."

There are plenty who are applicable to this. Especially those who were coddled by their parents, given most everything they wanted, told they were always "special", and then sent off on their merry way to university... only to return home unable to find a job, and leech off the parents while working menial low paying jobs they thought their college degree would have caused them to avoid completely.

 

[Gary7]

"Ladies and gentlemen of the graduating class:

You're fucked. Good luck.

This is the future of America: Every public job out there that pays over minimum wage will get subcontracted out to a private company that will rehire at minimum wage. Unions will be systematically eliminated in private sector jobs and wages will be cut. Private sector part-time jobs will start universally at minimum wage, no matter the experience. Salaried jobs will go hourly in as many situations as possible, outside of retail management, which will stay salaried but eat a pay cut, so they work more hours for the same money. Pretty soon, the most high-paying, desirable jobs won't be $20/hour jobs or salaried jobs that make $50k, but $9 jobs. This will be the height to which most people aspire.

It's already happening. 29 cents per mile is what stingy corporations paid for travel 15 years ago, and now it's become a standard in the private sector. More and more retail stores are eliminating department manager jobs and only hiring minimum-wage jobs, reducing yearly increases, and making assistant managers hourly.

This is all happening as the dollar buys less, and prices and the cost of living go up.

Big business and libertarians like the Koch Brothers are trying to find an economic sweet spot where they can reduce wages to the lowest possible amount while still maintaining a precarious level of consumer spending on useless luxury goods. However, this razor-sharp equilibrium is so easy to tip that it won't be long until Americans can no longer afford pricey stuff like iPads, cell phones, cars, couches, expensive snack food, etc, which will wipe out a lot of stores, restaurants, service industries, so on and so forth, eliminating the jobs that these corporations claim their massive tax breaks creating non-existent tax burdens are needed to create.

You're entering a world in which these corporations think they are nowhere near the bottom of how low they can drive wages. Through some embarrassingly high level of cognitive dissonance, they feel that they are correcting some sort of imbalance that is irresponsibly and unfairly hurting businesses (i.e. paying wages that are needlessly high because of dirty liberal influence).

And in the process, it's destroying the American ideal of capitalism more than anything else. Why bother working hard if you're going to get shit upon? Between people looking elsewhere for employment and actual opportunity and open theft, companies are not going to get much profit once everyone is reduced to groveling serfs. At some point people stop being 'grateful' for jobs, and become complacent or just start ripping stuff off.

Good luck in this world.

With best wishes,
The rest of us working schmucks."

So very well put, it deserves a big QFT.
Capitalism works as long as corporations don't forget to take care of the worker. And our political leaders understand that mindless irresponsible consumerism of "luxury items" is not a sustainable business model for our nation. And parents teach their children about developing self esteem internally, rather than depending upon it externally.

 

[Spot's Meow]

"Hard work is meaningless and will get you nowhere, so if you're one of those suckers who actually has morals and internal drive you will be sorely disappointed."

Or I could go with:

"Whatever your preconceptions about the "real world," lower your expectations."

 

[RoJoHen]

Here's another one that I have learned over the last few years since leaving college...

"Bachelors Degrees are worthless. Don't waste your time or your money unless you plan to continue on to grad school."

 

[Timby]

"Bachelors Degrees are worthless. Don't waste your time or your money unless you plan to continue on to grad school."

They're not worthless (it's essential to have at least a bachelors for most non-retail/service jobs, really), but because everyone has one, the best thing you can possibly have to bolster it is a few years of managerial-level experience.

I went from being the #3 guy and 20-percent owner in my communication firm in Iowa to being one of the absolute low men on the totem pole at my current job (I'm about one step above the intern when it comes to having any authority within the organization). I wouldn't even have this position without my five years at my old firm. They didn't care that I have degrees in journalism and public relations, they cared that I managed a dozen staffers, ran a magazine and managed several websites (the latter being the most important, since I'm currently in a Web position).

So, yeah, not worthless, but bachelors degrees have almost become the cost of entry for mere consideration in most positions.

 

[RoJoHen]

I dunno, that hasn't been my experience. I'm sure it depends on the job you're looking for, but I've found that employers don't really care if you have a degree or not. Hell, you don't even need a high school diploma as long as you have experience in the field.

Bachelor's degrees, in and of themselves, are pointless if you don't have any related work experience.

When I got my current job earlier this year as a college admissions rep, I was told that the main reason they hired me was because of my customer service background. They don't care at all about the education you've received.

 

[sidious618]

"The self-esteem gravy train is over. You're not special."

There are plenty who are applicable to this. Especially those who were coddled by their parents, given most everything they wanted, told they were always "special", and then sent off on their merry way to university... only to return home unable to find a job, and leech off the parents while working menial low paying jobs they thought their college degree would have caused them to avoid completely.

Actually the supposedly vile "self-esteem" idea has paid off. Those who have higher self-esteem are doing the best mentally during this recession.

 

[Amaris]

"Ladies and gentlemen of the graduating class:

You're fucked. Good luck.

This is the future of America: Every public job out there that pays over minimum wage will get subcontracted out to a private company that will rehire at minimum wage. Unions will be systematically eliminated in private sector jobs and wages will be cut. Private sector part-time jobs will start universally at minimum wage, no matter the experience. Salaried jobs will go hourly in as many situations as possible, outside of retail management, which will stay salaried but eat a pay cut, so they work more hours for the same money. Pretty soon, the most high-paying, desirable jobs won't be $20/hour jobs or salaried jobs that make $50k, but $9 jobs. This will be the height to which most people aspire.

It's already happening. 29 cents per mile is what stingy corporations paid for travel 15 years ago, and now it's become a standard in the private sector. More and more retail stores are eliminating department manager jobs and only hiring minimum-wage jobs, reducing yearly increases, and making assistant managers hourly.

This is all happening as the dollar buys less, and prices and the cost of living go up.

Big business and libertarians like the Koch Brothers are trying to find an economic sweet spot where they can reduce wages to the lowest possible amount while still maintaining a precarious level of consumer spending on useless luxury goods. However, this razor-sharp equilibrium is so easy to tip that it won't be long until Americans can no longer afford pricey stuff like iPads, cell phones, cars, couches, expensive snack food, etc, which will wipe out a lot of stores, restaurants, service industries, so on and so forth, eliminating the jobs that these corporations claim their massive tax breaks creating non-existent tax burdens are needed to create.

You're entering a world in which these corporations think they are nowhere near the bottom of how low they can drive wages. Through some embarrassingly high level of cognitive dissonance, they feel that they are correcting some sort of imbalance that is irresponsibly and unfairly hurting businesses (i.e. paying wages that are needlessly high because of dirty liberal influence).

And in the process, it's destroying the American ideal of capitalism more than anything else. Why bother working hard if you're going to get shit upon? Between people looking elsewhere for employment and actual opportunity and open theft, companies are not going to get much profit once everyone is reduced to groveling serfs. At some point people stop being 'grateful' for jobs, and become complacent or just start ripping stuff off.

Good luck in this world.

With best wishes,
The rest of us working schmucks."

I had the intention of posting something witty, yet darkly satirical, but then I read Timby's post and figured "fuck it, that works."

 

[Snaploud]

I dunno, that hasn't been my experience. I'm sure it depends on the job you're looking for, but I've found that employers don't really care if you have a degree or not. Hell, you don't even need a high school diploma as long as you have experience in the field.

In a bad economy, lazy human resource workers will do anything to whittle down the applicant pool, and one of the things they often do is add in "four year undergraduate degree required." It doesn't mean that they actually need somebody with that level of education, but, in this economy, they figure that they might as well get somebody with that level of education.

Sure, they also want 4-5 years of experience in their industry (plus experience with some random piece of software that's been buried in their basement for 20 years), but, in this economy, they still end up with hundreds of applicants that meet all the criteria (or at least are willing to claim that they do).

 

[Snaploud]

Bureu of Labor Statistics (as reported on MSNBC) regarding the change in real weekly pay since 1979:

Less than a High School diploma: 24.5% decrease
High School diploma, no college: 10.1% decrease
Some college or associate degree: 6.9% decrease
Bachelor's degree or higher: 19.0% increase

 

[RoJoHen]

Honestly, I'd be more interested to see how things have changed in just the last 5-10 years. In the 70s, 80s, and 90s, a degree was an accomplishment. Now, it's an expectation.

 

[Snaploud]

In the 70s, 80s, and 90s, a degree was an accomplishment. Now, it's an expectation.

This is true. An H.R. manager isn't going to be impressed by a degree, but you're probably not going to even be considered without one.

A four-year bachelor's degree has become the equivalent (in the job search process) of a high school diploma.

A master's degree has become the equivalent of a four-year bachelor's degree.

Add in unpaid internships, and it's hard to imagine a lot of social mobility from the poor to the rich. How many people from poor families are going to be able to get through a four year undergraduate degree, a master's degree, and unpaid internships in order to star their careers off right?

Though, I have noticed more of a trend toward paid internships (particularly in the accounting field).

 

[M'Sharak]

"Ladies and gentlemen of the graduating class:

You're fucked. Good luck.

This is the future of America: Every public job out there that pays over minimum wage will get subcontracted out to a private company that will rehire at minimum wage. Unions will be systematically eliminated in private sector jobs and wages will be cut. Private sector part-time jobs will start universally at minimum wage, no matter the experience. Salaried jobs will go hourly in as many situations as possible, outside of retail management, which will stay salaried but eat a pay cut, so they work more hours for the same money. Pretty soon, the most high-paying, desirable jobs won't be $20/hour jobs or salaried jobs that make $50k, but $9 jobs. This will be the height to which most people aspire.

It's already happening. 29 cents per mile is what stingy corporations paid for travel 15 years ago, and now it's become a standard in the private sector. More and more retail stores are eliminating department manager jobs and only hiring minimum-wage jobs, reducing yearly increases, and making assistant managers hourly.

This is all happening as the dollar buys less, and prices and the cost of living go up.

Big business and libertarians like the Koch Brothers are trying to find an economic sweet spot where they can reduce wages to the lowest possible amount while still maintaining a precarious level of consumer spending on useless luxury goods. However, this razor-sharp equilibrium is so easy to tip that it won't be long until Americans can no longer afford pricey stuff like iPads, cell phones, cars, couches, expensive snack food, etc, which will wipe out a lot of stores, restaurants, service industries, so on and so forth, eliminating the jobs that these corporations claim their massive tax breaks creating non-existent tax burdens are needed to create.

You're entering a world in which these corporations think they are nowhere near the bottom of how low they can drive wages. Through some embarrassingly high level of cognitive dissonance, they feel that they are correcting some sort of imbalance that is irresponsibly and unfairly hurting businesses (i.e. paying wages that are needlessly high because of dirty liberal influence).

And in the process, it's destroying the American ideal of capitalism more than anything else. Why bother working hard if you're going to get shit upon? Between people looking elsewhere for employment and actual opportunity and open theft, companies are not going to get much profit once everyone is reduced to groveling serfs. At some point people stop being 'grateful' for jobs, and become complacent or just start ripping stuff off.

Good luck in this world.

With best wishes,
The rest of us working schmucks."

I had the intention of posting something witty, yet darkly satirical, but then I read Timby's post and figured "fuck it, that works."

This is a good deal more specialized, and was not in fact delivered to a graduating class, but it works, too.