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November Challenge: The Captain Kirks

TimmyWl

Commodore
Commodore
Two men are walking the street. The shadows from the buildings do not match with their uniform. The buildings do not match with their uniform. Their species do not match with the hard forged metal, grotesque in all the blasted shapes, the ruble, and the odd mixture of those who survived.

It is of the shorter one that stops at a block. Over there in the distance lies the rest of the magnificent brand new city. That part of the metropolis is brand new. It is plastic. It is white. It is of that imprint that the shorter one wears – the red turtleneck clashing with the gray shoulder ‘pad’, the one strip to earmark his lower rank, finally of the shape of shuttles that do not set easily with the projected might that this city once had.

The taller one has a variant on the costume. There is a strange angled eagle merged with the UFP signal underneath. The pips on the collar do not match with his smaller companion.

He is armed as well. The weapon – fashioned in the style of an ancient pistol or revolver – is strapped to his side. He keeps an eye out. Out in the distance there are green skinned people aiding Cardassians – an odd sight to see – in their actual existence set amongst the other peoples of other origin.

It is not unusual to see duplicate signs set beneath their elder brethren, translating Cardassian into English. The Cardassians can translate it. To the taller one they seem almost runic; incomprehensible babble to their newly found occupants.

Suddenly it is his shorter companion that walks through the ruins of a lot.

“Davis –” trails the taller one.

“Relax – I’m getting a better view” comments the shorter, his feet upon the bones of the structure, ignoring the other walls around him.

“Davis –” repeats the taller one, yet again. There is no edge to the lot. It is empty. It is a void within other holes. The taller one takes a good glimpse around his surroundings. His brown eyes catch a work detail with the newfound colors of the New Cardassian Militia – the alien graft of their uniforms to pseudo-Starfleet colors.

“Jeez Pat - you should really stop being paranoid” replied Davis, after coming back, “It’s not like any Obsidian Order’s going to step out with guns a blazing”

“You should really watch what you say” added the taller one, already putting some distance away from that watcher and the rest of the caved out houses.

Davis snorted. “Who’s going to stop me – them?” he nodded towards the work detail, the sound of their shovels reverberating into the graveyard silence.

“Davis – this isn’t the place”

“What is then?” openly challenged Davis, wisely keeping pace, but stopping next to a crater that could have held an entire city block, “I mean don’t you dream of getting off this rock? It’s their fault that they were killed. If they hadn’t gone off the deep end – we would still be Starfleet – Captain Kirks every one of us – stretching the bounds of the Prime Directive to everyone and everything…”

“Have you even read anything of Captain Kirk?” retorted Pat.

“Of course – who hasn’t? Him and that other guy – they all got bogged down by this …stuff. Tell you what Pat – just once I want a call from people like him – perhaps Riker – saying that he needs more people on the Titan or perhaps Admiral Janeway. I mean – she defeated the Borg with one hand tied behind her back and she was moving all the while – none of this plant the whole fleet here and dry-dock any people who want to be in the Delta – Beta – and everywhere else but here Quadrant….Pat - Are you listening to me?”

Pat did not stare at the theatrics of his younger friend. There was that singular presence of that certain woman at the edge of his vision. Previously she was part of that silent stream of people going down the open roads and spaces. She had stopped from the usual course – off towards the local Starfleet base.

She had followed them. Her uniform was of the same artificial hybrid pair that he had seen earlier – with the exception of that same design that Pat wore on his jacket. She was somewhat human – had it not been for her green skin with the facial distortions that culminated with that singular skin mutation above her nasal bridge.

“Sir –” she said to Pat, giving him a salute, the heels crisp, “I’m sorry for interrupting – but I was wondering if you – sir – could ask your friend to repeat what he just said.”

“You mean Admiral Janeway? I don’t have the pad on me but I can share” interrupted Davis, a grotesque smile upon his lips, moving towards the girl in general. “She managed to convert this Borg drone into this stunning model – and saved a couple of kids as well. She’s really popular with the guys that I work with….” he added, coming even closer to her.

The woman stood there. Her mouth was open. Then it was crisp. “Sir – excuse me – I meant the insinuation that the Cardassians deserved their genocide-”

Davis shrugged. “I said nothing wrong. It’s all Starfleet issues ma’am– nothing more.”
 
I really liked this story!

It is not always easy to follow your narrative but here you managed a great balance between readability and still maintaining your own personal, and still quite fascinating writing style.

I won't admit that I understood everything that's going on here but the exchange between your two protagonists and their dilemma is quite clear. And the confrontation with the woman (civilan relief worker ?) very well done.

In my opinion, this is one of the best entries you've ever written. Great job! :thumbsup:
 
I think it's mostly the details you've left out which beg for some questions. I don't mind though, a good story doesn't need a whole lot of details as long as your point comes across. And it does here.

Again well done.
 
Which specific details would you be interested in seeing?

Would you be interested in seeing more of this world?
 
captcalhoun said:
if the author needs to explain the story, he's completely failed to do his job properly.

Well now that's a bit of a harsh way of seeing things. And I don't necessarily agree. Some very good stories raise more questions than they answer and are still incredibly engaging.

I would love to read more about the things touched upon in this story. My only suggestion is that you maintain a good balance of your unique style and accessibility. Quite frankly many of your stories are just very difficult to read. This one didn't have that problem. In other words, you write more stories like this one and I'll probably read them.
 
I enjoyed it as well. I'd have added a stardate or a calendar year in order to help establish the general setting, before/after/between Voyager, DS9, or TNG.

A mention of what specifically caused the damage to the city in your story would've helped. A Jem Hadar corpse or other indications such as a bug fighter partially submerged in the dirt as a result of hits inflicted on it by orbital and/or ground-to-air defenses.

The dialogue needed a few "she said", or "(character name) said". But over-all an honestly well constructed story for a beginner.
 
Thanks for the input. I'm really unclear about the Stardates so that's why I left it blank.

I'm probably going to scribble a series of these stories ... so maybe keep an eye out - again - thanks for the input!
 
TimmyWl said:
Thanks for the input. I'm really unclear about the Stardates so that's why I left it blank.

The Stardates for the various episodes can be found at Memory Alpha. If you want to set your story during a series, you just have to find a convenient gap between two episodes.

If you want to set your story after a series, just think of a date, and use this to convert the date into a Stardate.
 
Sadly I have an excel spreadsheet that does my stardates for me :D

Nice story, Timmy. Little incomprehensible, but it wouldn't be one of yours if it completely made sense!
 
TimmyWI: Oh, just something i was thinking about on the way home last night, I'd have a few of the away teams in E.V.A. suits (or wearing oxygen masks at the very least,) as a battlefield that close to a section of general population would likely have broken sewer systems spraying/leaking crap everywhere.

Plus the unsanitary, infectious-disease laden conditions & the smell of open pits used for garbage disposal, burial/cremation services, & survivors' outhouses would be overwhelming. A few species might not care, such as methane-breathers, but humans certainly would. I'd mention tracts of the same kind of temporary modular housing once used by Janeway & Chakotay when they thought they were terminally ill. Describe the mood of the denizens of the tent cities, shanti-towns & such. Describe the look of the area. Are you near the Imperial Palace? Are there mountains? Are your characters witnessing a sunrise / sunset?

Perhaps mention the ship they're from; whether or not their vessel's on-its-own or part of a humanitarian task force in orbit. People-mover type freighters headed for planets that have agreed to host the survivors, lifting off from a makeshift emergency spaceport in a nearby clearing. Effectively blowing debris everywhere with thrusters as the nearest freighter banks, yaws & surges into the atmosphere.

Medical Officers getting hugs from concerned parents & children laughing & playing, as they don't have to go to school.

I'd mention Hideki-Class ships keeping watch immediately overhead, escorting emergency ships onto & off of the planet as they've just been attacked by the Dominion & they're (more likely than not,) jumpier than a long-tailled cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Regardless of whether or not the Starfleet Officers & their civilian relief worker counterparts are there to help.
 
Thanks for the ideas Hellgate!

I'm probably going to clarify the time date in a new version of this story (and the same characters) later on...however I can tell you that it's not immediately after the sundering of Cardassia but some time after...(to be determined).
 
The impression I got is that this was Cardassia, some time after the war. Reconstruction is just getting under way. It reminded me of photographs and descriptions of Germany in the first few years after WWII.

This was an interesting mood-and-character piece, but to me, it seemed more like the introduction to something longer. And I'm afraid I didn't see the element of bad faith and betrayal that the challenge called for.
 
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