Need opinion on my work drama

[Joby]

So I would like to mine some of you guys for an opinion on some office drama I have. Most of us at work are in our 20s, 30s. Anyway I have a friend at the office who is a woman who I've been close friends with. Totally platonic mind you, we have always been like a brother and sister duo. Yet I have to mention that she is a woman because it seems like a lot of this drama and complications come from the fact that I'm not dealing with another dude, and a lot of times I just don't get what I'm confronting. So female readers please speak up. And yes I'm a straight guy. But some of this story may sound super gay, no offense to anyone out there.

Well we've been very close as friends at times, but we have not really hung out outside of work, but we have often texted and called each other. Like I said, completely a brother/sister thing. I have revealed a couple of very personal details about myself to her, and she has told me some of her stuff, but not all. And there are many things I don't tell her, which I guess is all normal, who knows. But I realize that since I'm a man, when she has certain problems in her life she won't always come to me, she'll go to the other women at work, even the ones she doesn't like much or has often told me she flat out doesn't even trust. That does sting, but I swallow it since I realize I'm a guy and she needs her fellow women to talk about things. But when she goes to the other guys at work with problems, it really was a sock in the gut to me. She told everyone in the office about a boyfriend breakup she was having, and never told me, and still has not told me. The thing is, I know her well enough to figure out something was going on in her life weeks ago, just by how weird and often short, curt and overall rude she was being towards me. I tried to ask what was going on, but she would tell me nothing or answer sharply and rudely that it wasn't my buisness. Keep in mind, at times I felt bad about this, but I wanted to be a good friend and let her be. I realize her personal stuff is her business, and I'm not demanding to know her life but I felt it really rude for her to discuss her stuff with the office, especially the other men at the office, but exclude me out, considering how close I thought we were. If it were any other woman at work, or even one of the fellas who I'm not friends with, I wouldn't care, I would think, hey it's their life. But with her, wow I felt really hurt and embarrassed. I mentioned this to one of the guys at work and he was surprised she didn't tell me anything, as she's been going on and on with everyone else. A couple of the women at work actually understood why I was hurt and surprsingly saw my side. Another woman had no idea why she would leave me out, other then she didn't intend to hurt me. I say surprisingly because I was sure some folks would think I was being a whiner or a big baby, needing to know everything. But these women still tried to a little defending of my friend, which was expected.

Well lately I haven't been talking to her as much but she's also been keeping to herself as well, again I've felt hurt but I also know she needs her privacy. When I finally asked her why she didn't tell me, she said it was because I never ask her about such things. I couldn't believe it. It seemed like such a bullshit argument to use on me, you know like a used carsalesmen or bullshit politician argument. I mean when I do ask what's going on she shuts me down, or even wants to know why I'm prying in about her and her boyfriend, now I'm being told I never care enough about her life so that's why she didn't tell me anything. I don't get this, don't get this at all. I try to give her her privacy b/c a lot of times she doesn't want to talk about her stuff with her boyfriend with me, but then I"m told I'm an jerk of a friend b/c I don't ask about her life so that's why she doesn't tell me anything. She also said I'm being the more unreasonable and unfair person then she is and I've not been there for her and been giving her a cold shoulder. Telling the other guys at the office about her problems before coming to me is what made me feel bad, as I always figured she'd come to me. I know she's suffering and going through problems, but I'm wondering if this friendship is worth bothering with anymore. Having a female friend like this has been such a damn headache, but I do highly value our friendship when it works, plus she has been there for me before when I've had my own problems. But I'm getting sick of the office drama, perhaps it's best to not have friends at work, of either gender.

What do you guys think?

 

[TheLonelySquire]

I think she likes you and doesn't want to involve you with her romantic life, lest you see the whack job that she believes herself to be. Go for her!

 

[Trekker4747]

What do you guys think?

The occasional double hard-return makes large blocks of text easier to read.

 

[freak]

I'm not sure what I would do if I was in a similar situation. But I will tell you this: I don't think that your friendship isn't worth the headache. I hate to say that, but it might come down to that eventually.
Another thing is I agree that maybe she doesn't wish to involve you with her personal problems at the moment(even though she involves the other male associates at your workplace, which is absurd ). Who knows? Women are funny things..I know cause I am one. We are our worst critics and we take things WAY too seriously and want DETAILS, DETAILS, DETAILS! :P Women are brutal when it comes to drama...men smack each other and then get a beer later. !!! But anyway, good luck with the drama at work. Sounds like your involved in a real soap opera that is spiralling outta control.

 

[TheLonelySquire]

I'm not sure what I would do if I was in a similar situation. But I will tell you this: I don't think that your friendship isn't worth the headache. I hate to say that, but it might come down to that eventually.
Another thing is I agree that maybe she doesn't wish to involve you with her personal problems at the moment(even though she involves the other male associates at your workplace, which is absurd ). Who knows? Women are funny things..I know cause I am one. We are our worst critics and we take things WAY too seriously and want DETAILS, DETAILS, DETAILS! :P Women are brutal when it comes to drama...men smack each other and then get a beer later. !!! But anyway, good luck with the drama at work. Sounds like your involved in a real soap opera that is spiralling outta control.

A mass of conflicting impulses?

 

[Warp Core Breach]

Nomad agrees.

 

[Locutus of Bored]

No offense Joby, but you come off a bit pushy and clingy in your description of the situation, like she's obligated to tell you her personal business just because you think she's your closest friend and she tells others instead of you.

I understand it might suck not being included when others are, but to take the step of going to them to discuss the situation she clearly didn't want you involved with and to complain about her not speaking to you seems kind of out of line to me. It comes off as you being more concerned about her perceived slight against you than respecting her wishes.

Her reaction may be distancing herself from you because you're sort of intruding on her privacy (which it still is regardless of how many others she may tell). You may still remain friends and recover from this, but I think you should give her some space and not take it so personally if she doesn't share every intimate detail of her love life with you.

 

[Lord Garth]

Sounds to me like she told the other guys because she doesn't suspect they might be interested in her or she's not worried about ruining a friendship with them since they're just acquaintances. She probably thinks you'll want to ask her out sooner or later because you'll think she's "available" and she wants to take a break from romantic relationships. Telling you that you've been giving her the cold shoulder seems like a deterrant.

She doesn't know what you'll say or do and wants to err on the side of caution to make sure you stay "just friends" so the friendship isn't ruined.

 

[Australis]

When it comes to female friendships, I'm a bit meh these days.

I had 2 people I would consider friends, good friends, we told each other stuff we wouldn't discuss with anyone else. I left the job where they were, and we corresponded by email.

Suddenly, without warning, they both stopped, and I never heard from them again. No reason why, no "email address in invalid", nothing. I swear to God I didn't say anything offensive.

Here's what I think. If you know a person, sometimes they tell you more than they want to, are suddenly embarrassed with their overshare, and cut you off.

With one (a lesbian), it was how she was leaving her long-suffering and supportive partner for a straight woman she had seduced. Once they set up house... gone. I sent a few emails, she said "oh, I'm busy, I'll send a longer email later". Finally... there's only so many times I could do that.

The other, a new mother, was able to telecommute with the job. We shared likes (books, especially Discworld), she was a reader for some of my scripts, came up with good points. One day, out of the blue:

Hey can I ask... Just after your children were born did you or your wife go though a sort of mental evaluation, about yourself, the way you were raised, what was important about raising your own children?

A bit of a deep question to end with, I know, just one of those curious things, that stunned me after I had [my daughter]. From what I can gather some don't at all, some a little, and a very few have a type of awakening.

I replied with a longish email. In a nutshell, I said yes, you do re-evaluate yourself, and you do re-evaluate your parents and how they raised you. For me that was mostly a positive thing. And that re-evaluation is still going on.

She replied:

Having [my daughter] has made me very angry with my own mother. We have never been really close, but always stuck together. I want things acknowledged and sorted, but she wants to ignore everything as usual.

My next email continued the positive noises about parenthood (because she'd be so iffy about it to begin with during the pregnancy), and concluded:

So try and see things from your mother's perspective. And keep in mind there may be reasons why she still can't talk about certain things today - could you tell her everything that you've done in your life? Could you tell [your daughter]? There will be some things better left unsaid.

And silence fell with a muffled thud. And to this day, I have no clear idea why. Just that they may have crossed a personal line in what they shared, and can't get past that.

I would say you're in a similar place. And, I stress, I';ve seen it happen with others.

Persons of the female persuasion my want to agree or refute this. That's just how it seems from here.

 

[Vulcan Princess]

My best guess from your description is that your friend is either interested in you, suspects you're interested in her, or both.

 

[SicOne]

My best guess from your description is that your friend is either interested in you, suspects you're interested in her, or both.

Sounds to me like she told the other guys because she doesn't suspect they might be interested in her or she's not worried about ruining a friendship with them since they're just acquaintances. She probably thinks you'll want to ask her out sooner or later because you'll think she's "available" and she wants to take a break from romantic relationships. Telling you that you've been giving her the cold shoulder seems like a deterrant.

She doesn't know what you'll say or do and wants to err on the side of caution to make sure you stay "just friends" so the friendship isn't ruined.

No offense Joby, but you come off a bit pushy and clingy in your description of the situation, like she's obligated to tell you her personal business just because you think she's your closest friend and she tells others instead of you.

I understand it might suck not being included when others are, but to take the step of going to them to discuss the situation she clearly didn't want you involved with and to complain about her not speaking to you seems kind of out of line to me. It comes off as you being more concerned about her perceived slight against you than respecting her wishes.

Her reaction may be distancing herself from you because you're sort of intruding on her privacy (which it still is regardless of how many others she may tell). You may still remain friends and recover from this, but I think you should give her some space and not take it so personally if she doesn't share every intimate detail of her love life with you.

Give her so much space she'll think she's Neil fu#*ing Armstrong.

I suspect that she thinks you may have been genuinely trying to be her friend...but also grooming yourself to be waiting in the wings when she dumps her boyfriend, and she's a little ambivalent about that, whether she doesn't like you that way or she doesn't want to ruin the friendship is not clear.

But you asking about her to others at work is certainly getting back to her, and it sounds like you're trying to do intelligence work to determine your chances of success should you try to be more than friends with her. And after boyfriend drama, that may be the last thing she wants to occur in her life.

It's human nature to feel slighted when you have mutually shared much with someone else and all of a sudden they cut off the daily share, and you're left wondering, "Why? Was it something I said? Or something I didn't say?" You say she told you it was because you didn't take an active interest in discussing her love life. Was that true? Did you tend to not listen or pay attention when she's rambling on about her boyfriend, because you wanted to play that role in her life? She'd surely pick up on that.

My advice to you would be to be professionally pleasant in the office, but not indulge in non-business conversation unless she starts it, and even then limit it. If she wants to talk about non-work stuff, tell her to give you a call sometime, and you'd be happy to listen, but not necessarily at work (when a supervisor hears all of this non-work chit-chat going on, someone may find themselves out on the street...maybe even a few someones, in this trying economy). And then give her the aforementioned space.

Also...find a girlfriend. There's nothing more attractive to a woman than a little healthy competition for a man's attentions. If you're "busy" with a girlfriend, you may suddenly find she has all kinds of time for you, now that you're not a dick-under-glass-break-in-case-of-emergency on standby. And you can use THAT to evaluate HER intentions towards your friendship.

I know, I know...you don't like dishonesty and mind games. But try it, then come back in a month and tell us how it went. Six will get ya ten that you found some closure in this situation.

 

[An Officer]

Here's what I think. If you know a person, sometimes they tell you more than they want to, are suddenly embarrassed with their overshare, and cut you off.

This is such a good point. I've seen this in action, but of course, it's not something anyone ever wants to admit to.

Staying friends with women is a tricky thing, they're thinking of a thousand things at once, most of which have probably never occurred to you. If it concerns you so seriously, get her in a private space, when you both have lots of time, and ask why she did that... telling her it's important for you to understand, because she made you feel left out and very hurt. If it's a genuine need you have and you want resolved - I can't see why a friend wouldn't ease something that's troubling you.

To me, it sounds like a pretty minor matter, I wouldn't be concerned if a friend didn't want to tell me something like that. Bad news is never easy to share. Especially if the friend thinks they were to blame for the situation somehow. A close friend took months to work up the courage that she had broken up with her fiance. She made a special point of going out for coffee and telling me in her own time, why she hadn't come out with it earlier. I sensed she felt a sense of loss of dignity and betrayal, and she didn't feel comfortable telling me right away, because I would also be upset on her behalf to see her in such distress. I never thought it my business to know to begin with, but if it gives her relief to speak about it, no problem.