Mental Wellness Support Group

[wayoung]

Tomorrow is an anniversary of a traumatic event that started my life spiralling into more and more disasters for a decade plus now. I had been doing better lately so was hoping I'd be ok (although I generally have "Anniversary Syndrome" but have been trying to get over it by ignoring it).

Unfortunately I only slept a little over 4 hours last night, disturbing dreams. Anxiety built all day, worst it's been in months. Did relaxation and grounding exercises. Didn't help. Got so bad I threw up. Took a benzo. My use of them have dropped from one a week to one a month until this week. Emailed my EMDR therapist (I had proactively scheduled a session for tomorrow) as a combo of journaling and letting her know how I was doing.

The benzo helped bring me down, I was able to eat supper (first thing all day) and I was relaxing in bed with a relaxation tea when I scrolled over something on Reddit that triggered me, sent me over a cliff. Couldn't take another benzo as I'd had one already today and spent awhile doing grounding and relaxation techniques. Did some CBT worksheets. Wrote another email to my therapist about being triggered as a form of journaling (today is the only time I've written to her outside of sessions since i started with her in December). Went through the list of grounding and relaxation exercises from my CBT program in the summer and fall. Got to "phone a friend" took 3 tries before I got anybody. Didn't use them to vent, just to shoot the shit to calm down. Talked to them for an hour. Calmed down a lot more now but still antsy and, quite honestly, scared to go to sleep. Afraid of dreams.

Posting in this thread for the first time, I guess as another way of journaling without emailing my therapist for a third time in one day. And I suppose as avoidance of going to sleep.

Edit:. 3 am. Still not asleep. I did not take tomorrow off work because that gives power to the day. Really regretting that now. Luckily I work from home and can be flexible with my schedule. Debating benadryl but I find dreams get worse if I have something to help with sleep so probably going to pass. More calm, less reactive to things than a few hours ago, but still afraid of dreaming.

 

[Commander Troi]

*HUGS* to you both.

I'm finally facing that my depression has been back big time since my knee surgery 12/10. I had been doing so well (I thought). But not being able to exercise/go to the gym, the struggles of recovery and rehab, and worries over my own health have taken a toll on me. I think the stomach upset that sent me to the ER in January was either caused or made worse by stress and anxiety because I've had it plenty of times since (without letting myself get dehydrated this time!). The horror show of trying to get the CT scan for whatever the hell the lesion on my liver is has not helped, and waiting for the results is sending me into a spiral of catastrophizing.

I'm still journaling, seeing seeing a therapist weekly, and still taking my meds. I have a message in to the psychiatrist's to set up an appointment to discuss tweaking the meds; something my therapist agrees with doing. I try to distract myself, but once the show or whatever is over, the sadness descends again. At least I handled getting the scan yesterday pretty well (helped by an *awesome* tech doing the IV).

In short, I'm a mess. Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[HappyMcWonderful]

Vent away. If you let that stuff build up you'll end up with even more problems.

 

[shapeshifter]

I'm fricking cying here! Please Get Well Soon!

 

[wayoung]

Anxiety had been dropping yesterday and today but back up a bit tonight due to some bad news about a family member, that is also triggering flashbacks of past things. Twitchy and hypervigilant mode again. Need to calm down some.

 

[Commander Troi]

Anxiety had been dropping yesterday and today but back up a bit tonight due to some bad news about a family member, that is also triggering flashbacks of past things. Twitchy and hypervigilant mode again. Need to calm down some.

*hugs*

 

[Malicia]

@Commander Troi *hugs*

 

[wayoung]

Been a week since I was at my worst for the anniversary and had two anxiety attacks in one day.

Fitbit heart rate tracking is fun

Tue Feb 15: 72
Tue Feb 22: 80
Tue Mar 1: 74

Easy to see the heart rate rising everyday and then slowly going back down.

Been a bit overwhelmed with work still the last couple days still, anxiety still there more than it had been earlier in the year. More depressed as well. Still another 6 weeks until spring which doesn't help. Having to do a road trip that I'm also working during starting next week isn't helping anxiety either. I'm just not used to having this constant anxiety anymore. These are what I would have considered easy days for most of the last few years but after a handful of months of much less anxiety they're feeling brutal.

Back to just trying to get through the moment vs actively trying to heal.

Edit to add:. My 86 year old diabetic Uncle was just admitted to the hospital for multiple infections in his foot after they did an xray. No info on prognosis. Bad enough on its own, the memories it brings up are icing on the cake.

 

[wayoung]

Some more triggers yesterday and today working up my anxiety again. Think I'm going to try and disconnect from social media/forums again for a bit. Been delving too deep into them lately as I get worse and it just becomes a cycle, looking for the dopamine hit of interaction. Plus, all the news in Ukraine is not helping the generalized part of the anxiety, despite being a type 2 worry.

Try and go back to some of my stricter routines from last summer and fall. Try and get a hold of things before I spiral more. Especially since I have to do the road trip next week for the funeral.

I can say this winter has been better overall than last winter, and I hit my one year anniversary of health tracking on Sunday and can see that I've made some big quantitative improvements despite Covid messing up so much. Just need to try and hold onto that as proof I'm improving and not just treading water.

 

[Avro Arrow]

Good luck, @wayoung , I hope the disconnect helps.

 

[Peach Wookiee]

I seem to be having a rough night tonight. So I didn't get the family vacation and won't be getting it, due to my brother's screw-up. He and his wife forgot to check my nieces' passports, so the week before we were supposed to go, the trip as it was had to be canceled. It was rescheduled for April when I definitely can't go, and my dad saying he'd "make it up to me" essentially means that it's where he wants to take me. And apparently, the passport incident wasn't my brother's fault! THEN WHOSE FAULT WAS IT, DAD?!
But I think I know what's causing my feeling seriously insecure tonight. It's a little over a month to the sixth anniversary of my mother's passing, and the way the days fall this year is exactly as it fell in 2016. My mom's death was on a Monday, and the anniversary of her death is on a Monday as well. It was at this point six years ago that we had discussed the options about Mom's ending, if it became clear that things were coming to that point. What was on the table at that point was amputation to extend her life, as something on her leg had gone wrong. I knew she didn't want that and fought for what she wanted. There was no restoration of health for her, and she didn't want amputation if it only prolonged her life. On March 31st of 2016, we went to a neurologist to begin the process to find out exactly what was going on, but a week later, she was at the ER for the last time.
I know she wasn't going to recover. There's no return when your brain is decimated as my mom's was. But... I guess my PTSD is acting up...

 

[Commander Troi]

Are we all just messes right now? I've got weird-but-not-urgent stuff with my own health, my cat Buddy is in bad shape after being hospitalized and is now home with tons of meds, and I seem to have caused someone to leave the BBS, which was absolutely the LAST thing I wanted, so I'm stressed and feeling guilty and I wish I could just erase the past year or so and also fix all of my mistakes. ARGH.

 

[think]

Spoiler: Triggering: suicide discussion

So I watched this video --- ignoring the warnings for being a trigger as it was discussing suicide and such about the laws regarding when someone --- anyone is "out of their mind" and need to be hospitalized because they might hurt themselves ... also what does that mean that we can take a persons freedom away- I have been hospitalized over like 10-15 or more times in psych wards for this problem in the past starting at 4-5 years old fifth birthday in the hospital because I didn't want to eat .. as the neighborhood kids killed my cat/kitten right in front of me. this is where my suicidal thoughts started by 12 years old I had contemplated or had suicidal ideation at the top of a cliff above traffic -- after that I started to let people know I was suicidal from time to time- at 21 I spent months in a state psych ward I guess for the suicide again... they started meds and so on --- it was 2015 that the 3-4 times a week being up all nite because I wanted to die rather than going to sleep and getting nite terrors and extreme fear,.. started to lessen now it is several years without the suicidal ideations and such-- this area of my life being very strange indeed. Now not much thoughts of suicide my suicide note,... actually notebook --- is no longer being used anymore --- and so forth very very different for me.. I am not used to this at all --- I have worked on myself in self help groups and settings but yeah finally 2015 it kinda ended-- looking back this video would of helped me some --- remembering that a friend -- the last time I saw him I told him he could not stay with me and that I was not allowed to have people live with me. after which he jumped off a bridge and died... about 1995 that happened. in 1969 the year I turned 5 in the hospital and my cat was killed was the beginning of these things till 2015 46 years of having suicidal thoughts and attempts too in my life.. IDK I continued self harm beyond 2015 till 2019 nov where I am 2+ years without self harm a very very painful self harm,.. I am continuing the self love self healing work with 12 steps and other places --- life goes on. but this video IDK -- the rights of a person wanting to end their life --- I know full well what that loss of rights is like --- and what being over medicated is like too... I guess this is a topic of debate that is ongoing --- the video brings up homosexuality as a mental illness that has been overturned and other things like this... I guess society is growing very slowing as we get more wiser.. in life.

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[wayoung]

@Commander Troi might be partly the time of year. In the northern hemisphere at least winter can be brutal for me talk health, especially the end of it.

@Avro Arrow thanks. FYI I have tried twice now to see the replica of your namesake near Wasage Beach on trips to the area, and both times the museum was closed on the day I was down (when it's normally open). Maybe in the spring/summer....

Popped back in for this update:

I have felt like l've been treading water the last few years, not getting any better. So a year ago I decided to start tracking a bunch of health metrics, see if that would encourage me to act healthier and find out if I could see an actual improvement. Prove to myself that despite often still feeling like shit I was making verifiable, quantitative improvements to my life.

Yesterday ended the first year of tracking. For myself, I updated the information on spreadsheets every week, averaging out to days, months, semi annual, and now annual results. I know it's boring to everyone else but I wanted to share to others (and, yeah, brag a bit) about what I found when I got the annual results, because it has been a lot of work and does show to me that I am making a difference in my life, I am getting better, even if it's a slow road.

1 Year Health tracking

Weight: Down 34 lbs from all time high. Down 18 lbs from 1 year ago.

Steps: Averaged over 5,100 steps a day all year. 5,000 steps/day is the line between being sedentary and not sedentary - an entire year of not being sedentary, of being an active person.

Active minutes: Despite intermittent ability to go to the gym thanks for covid closures I still averaged 171 active minutes/week all year thanks to regular hiking/walks even when gym was closed/during the winter. 150 minutes is the recommended amount for a healthy adult.

Sleep:. The first 6 months of the year I only achieved 7+ hours of sleep every 3rd night (33%). There was a 2.5 month stretch in spring & summer where I only got a max of 1 night above 7 hours/night per week, sometimes it was 0. This was still some of my best sleep in years.

For the last 6 months of this year I averaged 7.01 hours of sleep a night. Nearly every 2nd night has been 7+ hours (47%). There were two weeks where I got 7+ hours of sleep every night during this period and actually broke 8 hours of sleep/night on average for the week. The best sleep in over a decade.

Resting Heart Rate: A year ago my resting heart rate was 80, with a high of 82 in April/May. This last week it was 72. A decrease of 8 BPM year to year, 10 BPM high to low. My average RHR for the first 6 months of the year was 78, for the last 6 months it was 75. Overall, I went from a below average (bordering poor) RHR to an average, bordering above average, RHR. My overall cardio health, measured by my Fitbit, increased from poor to fair year to year.

Shows I am getting healthier, getting better, even if I don't feel like it, even if it is slow. Long term, overall positive changes, not just one quick week that can easily be reversed.

 

[JesterFace]

Is it somekind of weakness that while having my own struggle with MS I know that some people are in much crappier situation and I don't seem to remember that often enough.
The "things are kinda crappy but some have it worse" thing doesn't always help.

 

[Gryffindorian]

Whatever we're going through, pleasant or not, remember that "this too shall pass."

 

[Peach Wookiee]

Mental wellness booster today: I mostly changed my own tire!!

 

[Malicia]

Whatever we're going through, pleasant or not, remember that "this too shall pass."

When the morning comes

 

[Commander Troi]

Spoiler: Triggering: suicide discussion

So I watched this video --- ignoring the warnings for being a trigger as it was discussing suicide and such about the laws regarding when someone --- anyone is "out of their mind" and need to be hospitalized because they might hurt themselves ... also what does that mean that we can take a persons freedom away- I have been hospitalized over like 10-15 or more times in psych wards for this problem in the past starting at 4-5 years old fifth birthday in the hospital because I didn't want to eat .. as the neighborhood kids killed my cat/kitten right in front of me. this is where my suicidal thoughts started by 12 years old I had contemplated or had suicidal ideation at the top of a cliff above traffic -- after that I started to let people know I was suicidal from time to time- at 21 I spent months in a state psych ward I guess for the suicide again... they started meds and so on --- it was 2015 that the 3-4 times a week being up all nite because I wanted to die rather than going to sleep and getting nite terrors and extreme fear,.. started to lessen now it is several years without the suicidal ideations and such-- this area of my life being very strange indeed. Now not much thoughts of suicide my suicide note,... actually notebook --- is no longer being used anymore --- and so forth very very different for me.. I am not used to this at all --- I have worked on myself in self help groups and settings but yeah finally 2015 it kinda ended-- looking back this video would of helped me some --- remembering that a friend -- the last time I saw him I told him he could not stay with me and that I was not allowed to have people live with me. after which he jumped off a bridge and died... about 1995 that happened. in 1969 the year I turned 5 in the hospital and my cat was killed was the beginning of these things till 2015 46 years of having suicidal thoughts and attempts too in my life.. IDK I continued self harm beyond 2015 till 2019 nov where I am 2+ years without self harm a very very painful self harm,.. I am continuing the self love self healing work with 12 steps and other places --- life goes on. but this video IDK -- the rights of a person wanting to end their life --- I know full well what that loss of rights is like --- and what being over medicated is like too... I guess this is a topic of debate that is ongoing --- the video brings up homosexuality as a mental illness that has been overturned and other things like this... I guess society is growing very slowing as we get more wiser.. in life.

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**HUGS** I was suicidal from the age of 13 until I got on antidepressants in my late 20s-early 30s. I now realize that smoking (I quit around age 26) and eating crap/gaining weight were also forms of self-harm. We're all working on it.

Shows I am getting healthier, getting better, even if I don't feel like it, even if it is slow. Long term, overall positive changes, not just one quick week that can easily be reversed.

WOOHOO!

Is it somekind of weakness that while having my own struggle with MS I know that some people are in much crappier situation and I don't seem to remember that often enough.
The "things are kinda crappy but some have it worse" thing doesn't always help.

No, it's not a weakness. We all have our own shit to deal with and comparisons don't help a bit. *HUGS*

Whatever we're going through, pleasant or not, remember that "this too shall pass."

Thank you. That quote got me through high school. I need to remember it.

 

[JesterFace]

No, it's not a weakness. We all have our own shit to deal with and comparisons don't help a bit. *HUGS*

For some reason this discussion reminded me of lyrics by Finnish metalband Sentenced from their song Nepenthe.
"Think about all the good in your life
- It's only temporary
Think about all the positive sides in life
- They never last forever"

All that can also be put in another way....
"Think about all the bad in your life
- It's only temporary
Think about all the negative sides in life
- They never last forever"

With few words changed it's a completely different story.

Anyway, check out the track from Sentenced album Amok from 1995.
Songs like
- Phenix
- New age messiah
- Nepenthe
- Dance of the graves (lil' siztah)

 

[Steven P Bastien]

The universe is about 14 billion years old, and will live on for much longer than that.

Everything in life is temporary if you think of the universe as a progression in time.

But if you think of the universe, over all its time, as one thing, then every good thing in your life is permanently good and every bad thing is permanently something you endured and fought against as best you could.

Enjoy the good in your life and take pride in surviving the bad in your life to enjoy more good another day. It is all a part of the storybook of the universe, and you are a character in this story forever.