Married Men -- no all Men I have question.

[Guartho]

I mean it's not EVERY weekend that he's done this...just about 4 times in the past 2 months.

That's still every other weekend.

I do want to say that I'm not scared of him...he does not scare me and I'm not afraid of him at all.

A seven-year-old can fuck you up if he stabs you while you sleep.


Also, I want to be the first to make the joke "It sounds like he's trying to have his cake and eat it too."

So you've lived there for 8 years and he has just recently started coming on to you?

 

[Teelie]

Stalkers are like most other obsessives; they start small and work their way up. It's rare someone jumps right into something major. I've seen it enough to see a potential danger when I read about it.

It's entirely possible he may have been stalking you for years but only now has he become obvious about it or something has changed in him to spark this obsession recently.

Police are a necessity if this continues. Telling him in no uncertain terms to stop it and continuing is harassment and not the idle stuff either.

 

[Cakes488]

I mean it's not EVERY weekend that he's done this...just about 4 times in the past 2 months.

That's still every other weekend.

I do want to say that I'm not scared of him...he does not scare me and I'm not afraid of him at all.

A seven-year-old can fuck you up if he stabs you while you sleep.


Also, I want to be the first to make the joke "It sounds like he's trying to have his cake and eat it too."

So you've lived there for 8 years and he has just recently started coming on to you?

Damn you and your math!

Well it's a summer place and he doesn't live there full time either...he actually doesn't live far from me "downhome", he's in queens and i'm in Long Island. Well we were supposed to go hiking 2 years ago, but he never showed up and I was glad because I honestly didn't want to spend the afternoon with him anyway. So when he was making his moves he said he was waiting to have this conversation with me for 2 yrs...ugh...I get grossed out whenever I think about it, makes me never want to have sex again. Well LOL OK I won't go that far.

Stalkers are like most other obsessives; they start small and work their way up. It's rare someone jumps right into something major. I've seen it enough to see a potential danger when I read about it.

It's entirely possible he may have been stalking you for years but only now has he become obvious about it or something has changed in him to spark this obsession recently.

Police are a necessity if this continues. Telling him in no uncertain terms to stop it and continuing is harassment and not the idle stuff either.

This didn't even occur to me that this may be years in the making...but we're in a rural area...it's not like he can peep me from his place. But I think I'll throw in..."am I going to need to inform the police as well" in addition to the I'm telling Jean thing...might as well throw everything at him.

 

[The Fatman]

This is pretty classic harrassing behavior, which is the early stage of stalking. If you have truly been that direct with him, and he's still acting this way, you need to take every step possible to protect yourself before this escalates...and it will, quickly and dangerously.

By all means, tell his wife, but as others have said, in most cases this won't get you anywhere. If it does resolve it for you, consider yourself lucky. If it does not, swift police action will be necessary to set up clear boundaries.

Remember, to the stalker, any attention you give him is feeding the disease. Even bad attention is attention. You don't have to live in fear, but you need to cut off all contact with this individual, ASAP. If he has your phone number or e-mail address, change them or block him. If he looks at you, do NOT make eye contact. Don't exchange even pleasant greetings with him. Don't attend or throw any social gatherings where he may attend.

I do understand that this probably doesn't seem to you to be as serious as we're all describing it... but you have to be very cautious. As I said earlier, these things escalate very quickly.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

Yeah, stalking is not a matter of frequency. If someone is not respecting your privacy, that is a problem. If you do not want contact with them and they don't get the hint, that's a bigger problem.

Don't let this problem become any bigger than it is. If his wife can't keep him on a leash, call the cops. Don't even hesitate on that one.

 

[Guartho]

So when he was making his moves he said he was waiting to have this conversation with me for 2 yrs...ugh...

Well there goes my theory. If it was recent I suspected him of reading MadBaggins's latest thread and getting the wrong idea about you.

 

[Gryffindorian]

Cakes, I worry about you, dear. You've already told this guy off. You should tell his wife what's going on, and if it persists, call the cops on him.

 

[Misfit Toy]

Cakes, married man here - for almost 25 years. That guy is fixated on you and he's fantasizing about you. You're going to have to be as blunt as you possibly can be with him. You're going to have to tell him that the next time he tries this shit, you're telling his wife. Period. No "friendly chats", no hanging out, no creepy staring, no phone calls - NOTHING.

You can't "hint" at anything - you're going to have to tell him straight out.

If ANYthing happens after that, call his wife and then go to the cops. Or a big, big friend with a bat.

 

[Cakes488]

This is pretty classic harrassing behavior, which is the early stage of stalking. If you have truly been that direct with him, and he's still acting this way, you need to take every step possible to protect yourself before this escalates...and it will, quickly and dangerously.

By all means, tell his wife, but as others have said, in most cases this won't get you anywhere. If it does resolve it for you, consider yourself lucky. If it does not, swift police action will be necessary to set up clear boundaries.

Remember, to the stalker, any attention you give him is feeding the disease. Even bad attention is attention. You don't have to live in fear, but you need to cut off all contact with this individual, ASAP. If he has your phone number or e-mail address, change them or block him. If he looks at you, do NOT make eye contact. Don't exchange even pleasant greetings with him. Don't attend or throw any social gatherings where he may attend.

I do understand that this probably doesn't seem to you to be as serious as we're all describing it... but you have to be very cautious. As I said earlier, these things escalate very quickly.

Ok....now I'm scared And you're right...I didn't think this was really serious...I've always been able to handle it.
Thank God he doesn't have my phone number or any personal info...oh hell no. Could you imagine? This cannot escalate...I don't like escalators!!!

 

[Cakes488]

Cakes, married man here - for almost 25 years. That guy is fixated on you and he's fantasizing about you. You're going to have to be as blunt as you possibly can be with him. You're going to have to tell him that the next time he tries this shit, you're telling his wife. Period. No "friendly chats", no hanging out, no creepy staring, no phone calls - NOTHING.

You can't "hint" at anything - you're going to have to tell him straight out.

If ANYthing happens after that, call his wife and then go to the cops. Or a big, big friend with a bat.

I do have my man friend and he said he'd pay him a visit. He's been upstate quite a bit the past couple of months and we've made sure he's been visible...I didn't want to go over there with him because the less interaction I figured the better. I'm sooooooooooo glad I didn't eat lunch because the thought of him fantasizing about me is making my stomach turn.

I do want to say I haven't hinted at shit. I've told him flat out and directly -- which everyone is bringing to my attention that makes the situation even worse since he's not listening. I can be very assertive, direct and blunt and completely nasty.... and nobody usually fucks with me...I can't believe this guy is "coming back for more" after I've already cut his dick off practically.

 

[JustKate]

^ That's what makes it sound...a little scary and obsessive, Cakes honey - that you're telling him something that he ought to find very interesting (though disappointing, too, of course) and yet he's clearly Not. Listening. Some guys, and they are the worst possible kind of guys, really don't seem to understand "no."

 

[iguana_tonante]

I just add my drop of water to the ocean: threatening of telling his wife is not gonna work. I mean, any sane person already knows that this sort of behaviour will most likely get reported to his wife. So if he pulls this shit, he doesn't care about consequences.

So: cut all interaction with him; alert the cops; make sure your house is secure; get some mace or pepper spray.

Keep us in the loop, Cakes.

 

[auntiehill]

It IS obsessive and scary. Call the cops, tell his wife, have your biggest male friend pay him a visit with a baseball bat. Lock your doors. Tell everyone you know--TWICE.

If your instincts say "something is wrong here" then it IS wrong. It may be nothing, but think about how many women go missing each year because they were more worried about being "nice" than telling their uber-creepy neighbor to back the fuck off.

Tell EVERYONE about this guy---tell other neighbors, your co-workers, any cop who will listen. I had an old college buddy who was more worried about being nice and didn't want to cause "trouble." That is, until the stalker broke down her door in a drunken rage one night. Luckily, she'd told neighbors about the guy, and they all came running when they heard her screaming. Don't screw around with these psychos. He may be just another harmless jerk....or he may not.

 

[Mr Awe]

Those are huge warning signs!! He's not listening to "no!" Take that seriously. Tell him if does anything else again you'll call the cops. You're not joking around. He's already gone too far. You may even want to call the cops now. I'm somewhat concerned about your safety.

Mr Awe

 

[The Fatman]

It IS obsessive and scary. Call the cops, tell his wife, have your biggest male friend pay him a visit with a baseball bat. Lock your doors. Tell everyone you know--TWICE.

If your instincts say "something is wrong here" then it IS wrong. It may be nothing, but think about how many women go missing each year because they were more worried about being "nice" than telling their uber-creepy neighbor to back the fuck off.

Tell EVERYONE about this guy---tell other neighbors, your co-workers, any cop who will listen. I had an old college buddy who was more worried about being nice and didn't want to cause "trouble." That is, until the stalker broke down her door in a drunken rage one night. Luckily, she'd told neighbors about the guy, and they all came running when they heard her screaming. Don't screw around with these psychos. He may be just another harmless jerk....or he may not.

I enthusiastically agree with everything here EXCEPT for the part about having a large male friend pay him a visit. That, unfortunately, might give HIM leverage if this has to turn into a legal situation. It also shows him he's getting to you, further inflaming the behavior.

And none of us want you to live in fear, but we do want you to be cautious, and take the threat seriously. I do think telling his wife is a good idea, but like I said before, prepare yourself emotionally for that to not work.

As far as you being direct with him... OK, first, let me state I'm in NO WAY saying any of this is your fault. This individual is very sick. I do just want to mention one thing though, in the OP, you said you told him "he's married and nothing will ever happen so I gave him a pass because he was drunk and I figured it was over and that he probably felt stupid the next day". It is possible, that despite you meaning "FUCK OFF!", this person heard "I want to, but you're married". Which the stalker processes as a green light.

Again, I do not want to sound like I'm blaming you, just maybe trying explain how you were "targeted".

 

[Sephiroth]

the potential for danger with this guy is pretty high, lots of red flags, go to the cops, get a restraining order, go to a sporting goods store, get some pepper spray, and if he persists after the spray, kick him in the junk, get behind him,put one hand on his chin, one hand on the back of his head, and twist until you hear a crunch

 

[Neroon]

Another married-for-almost-25-years guy here.

It doesn't sound to me like the simple threat of telling his wife will do much good, if any. The number of chances you've given the creep are more than he deserves, so simply tell his wife straight out. This isn't vengeance so much as it's concern for your peace of mind as well as physical safety.

No matter how direct you've been before, it hasn't worked because the guy has come back. A more concrete action seems to be required.

 

[Amaris]

I'm not a man, married or otherwise, but that's not relevant to your situation.

Then I started noticing that every time he passes by in his car that he is staring at my place as he goes by and it just creeps me the fuck out. There's a bend in the road...muthafucka should be lookin straight ahead....what's he trying to see...??? Me in a skanky t-shirt?

Anyway, so it's the next weekend now (end of July) and he "runs" into me again which was totally manufactured by him and he asks me if I'm alone there... I've had a pretty steady guest list upstate since July -- so someone was always coming up to "save" me....

So I think this is all over and done with but here again last weekend this bastard stops his car in front of my house and yells out to me (my house is about 75 feet from the road too...its not right there) and asks me if I was alone again. (and I was!) . I mean WTF here???
I lied and told him I had some friends coming up..I was put on the spot and caught off guard because I couldn't believe that he was asking me this yet again. And more importantly why is he asking me....WHY?????????? I was very clear!!!!!!

He's stalking you, and he sounds dangerous. I certainly hope that you are securely locking your doors and accessible windows at all times.

So here's my question. Obviously I want this hairy little beast to leave me alone and it's a shame too as he was a good neighbor to talk to from time to time...but anyway I was thinking that if he asks me this crap again I'm going to say "what part of we're not hanging out do you not understand? If you can't comprehend this then I'll be forced to go to Jean (his wife) and have her explain this to you"...

No, don't say "we're not hanging out". He's a stalker, and you're not 12. Tell him bluntly that he is not welcome to speak to you and that if he comes onto your property ever again, you will call the police. In fact, I would alert the local police to the situation in order to expedite the restraining order process should it become necessary.

Finally, just tell his wife. Now. This asshole does not deserve further warnings. After you do that though, do not go there alone or let yourself be in any situation where you are alone and accessible to this person. Also, get some mace or pepper spray and carry it with you.

I was thinking this also. He's had plenty of chances. After the first warning, that was it. Don't threaten to tell his wife, tell his wife. You threaten and he'll have time to make sure you don't make good on that threat.

J.

 

[captcalhoun]

1) call the cops and tell them.

2) call the cops and tell them.

3) get a permit and the biggest, most fuck-off gun you can.

4) make sure he sees you carrying said BFG.

5) call the cops and tell them.

6) learn to shoot.

i'm serious about the gun. it's why you have gun laws, right? i mean, it's your choice whether you go for something military-grade like one of those civilianised M-16s or just a big-ass pump-action shotty, or something more discreet like a large calibre pistol, but you wanna make sure he gets the message, he fucks with you, you introduce him to your friend PAIN.

 

[broberfett]

A taser right to the jimmy! Or pepper spray.