Married Men -- no all Men I have question.

[Shikarnov]

I have to agree with all those before me that advised that you get a restraining order immediately and invest in some kind of defense (like a gun and training).

As for telling his wife... I don't think that will do much. If it was me, I don't think my wife would believe you at all. Even if she did believe you, a little assurance from me would probably undo that "damage." One thing's for certain -- I'd be pretty pissed at you for rocking my boat.

Don't tell the wife. Do tell the police.

 

[sidious618]

I worry about you threatening him in case he suddenly gets nasty when you do. I'd go directly to the cops in this case and issue a restraining order. Also, from now on I'd make sure you have solid locks on all your doors and windows just in case. I doubt it'd go that far but better safe than sorry plus it'll give you a sense of security.

 

[Galactus]

What makes you think his wife doesn't already know? Wives pretty much know their husbands better than they know themselves. I am sure she already knows he has the hots for you.

Just tell the police before something bad happens. I mean better alive than dead.

 

[JustKate]

Guns are comforting only if you're comfortable with them. On the other hand, pepper spray or a taser take little or no training, are extremely effective, and aren't likely to injure innocent passers-by.

Not that I'm actually advocating a weapon. I am advocating great caution, though. He is clearly NOT a normal person, nor is this a normal attraction.

 

[Cakes488]

It IS obsessive and scary. Call the cops, tell his wife, have your biggest male friend pay him a visit with a baseball bat. Lock your doors. Tell everyone you know--TWICE.

If your instincts say "something is wrong here" then it IS wrong. It may be nothing, but think about how many women go missing each year because they were more worried about being "nice" than telling their uber-creepy neighbor to back the fuck off.

Tell EVERYONE about this guy---tell other neighbors, your co-workers, any cop who will listen. I had an old college buddy who was more worried about being nice and didn't want to cause "trouble." That is, until the stalker broke down her door in a drunken rage one night. Luckily, she'd told neighbors about the guy, and they all came running when they heard her screaming. Don't screw around with these psychos. He may be just another harmless jerk....or he may not.

OMG I cannot tell my other neighbors...I just cannot do that......yet. I've been very direct but I've still been kinda "nice" about it...from now on my teeth are bared. For the moment I'm putting him in the harmless jerk category...after our next "chat" he may need to be reclassified...like as in pond scum. I have told my family and friends...I was actually on the phone with my sis in law when he yelled from the street. After her I called everybody else saying you are not going to fucking believe that this muthafucka asked if I was alone again.

I enthusiastically agree with everything here EXCEPT for the part about having a large male friend pay him a visit. That, unfortunately, might give HIM leverage if this has to turn into a legal situation. It also shows him he's getting to you, further inflaming the behavior.

And none of us want you to live in fear, but we do want you to be cautious, and take the threat seriously. I do think telling his wife is a good idea, but like I said before, prepare yourself emotionally for that to not work.

As far as you being direct with him... OK, first, let me state I'm in NO WAY saying any of this is your fault. This individual is very sick. I do just want to mention one thing though, in the OP, you said you told him "he's married and nothing will ever happen so I gave him a pass because he was drunk and I figured it was over and that he probably felt stupid the next day". It is possible, that despite you meaning "FUCK OFF!", this person heard "I want to, but you're married". Which the stalker processes as a green light.

Again, I do not want to sound like I'm blaming you, just maybe trying explain how you were "targeted".

You bring up a good point that maybe he thinks I would do "something" with him IF he weren't married. But about the targeting....(I left this out of the OP because I didn't want to make it too long with every detail) He used weed as a way to get close to me and open this can o' worms.... as in he wanted to smoke some and have a weed buddy...I was humored him with this and I said sure we can smoke once in awhile I even have a joint on me right now....but it quickly went to him sitting literally on top of me with his arms around me...and kissing me because he was "so happy to find a weed friend"...as you all know I said what the fuck are you doing Dennis...get off of me and he proceeded ot say he was just soooo happy to find a weed friend in me that he couldn't contain himself. He still went for me 2 more times...maybe it was 3...but he didn't get the message that first day and I suppose he's still not getting it now.

I was thinking this also. He's had plenty of chances. After the first warning, that was it. Don't threaten to tell his wife, tell his wife. You threaten and he'll have time to make sure you don't make good on that threat.

J.

What are you trying to say here....that he'll kill me before I make good on the threat?

1) call the cops and tell them.

2) call the cops and tell them.

3) get a permit and the biggest, most fuck-off gun you can.

4) make sure he sees you carrying said BFG.

5) call the cops and tell them.

6) learn to shoot.

i'm serious about the gun. it's why you have gun laws, right? i mean, it's your choice whether you go for something military-grade like one of those civilianised M-16s or just a big-ass pump-action shotty, or something more discreet like a large calibre pistol, but you wanna make sure he gets the message, he fucks with you, you introduce him to your friend PAIN.

I am not buying a gun. I cannot buy a gun.

I have to agree with all those before me that advised that you get a restraining order immediately and invest in some kind of defense (like a gun and training).

As for telling his wife... I don't think that will do much. If it was me, I don't think my wife would believe you at all. Even if she did believe you, a little assurance from me would probably undo that "damage." One thing's for certain -- I'd be pretty pissed at you for rocking my boat.

Don't tell the wife. Do tell the police.

LOL you'd be pissed at me for rocking your boat but in reality you rocked it yourself.

I worry about you threatening him in case he suddenly gets nasty when you do. I'd go directly to the cops in this case and issue a restraining order. Also, from now on I'd make sure you have solid locks on all your doors and windows just in case. I doubt it'd go that far but better safe than sorry plus it'll give you a sense of security.

If someone wants to break into my house...it's really not that hard. I have 4 foot screen windows on the porch....I'm a fucking sitting duck up there.

What makes you think his wife doesn't already know? Wives pretty much know their husbands better than they know themselves. I am sure she already knows he has the hots for you.

Just tell the police before something bad happens. I mean better alive than dead.

Yeah I don't think she knows...it's not like we've interacted all that much over the years. It's pretty hard to run into each other unless you're trying. And this crap just started on the weekend that she wasn't there and she is always there.

I hope I'm making sense..I know I'm skipping around a lot. I felt OK when I started this thread and now I feel infinitely worse. I was taking this lightly but now I'm a little worried.

 

[Cakes488]

Guns are comforting only if you're comfortable with them. On the other hand, pepper spray or a taser take little or no training, are extremely effective, and aren't likely to injure innocent passers-by.

Not that I'm actually advocating a weapon. I am advocating great caution, though. He is clearly NOT a normal person, nor is this a normal attraction.

I'm going to Modells when I get off the subway today. I'm buying the pepper spray. I just called them they don't have it.

Well I'm bringing my nephews this weekend so I have a buffer and it'll give me a minute to get this spray.

 

[JustKate]

^ The last time I bought some - I used to carry it when I walked after dark (I never felt it necessary, but my husband kind of does) - I believe I found it at a sporting goods store. It's not a highly controlled product. But you can for sure get it anywhere guns are for sale.

 

[JustKate]

BTW, I am sorry if we've freaked you out, Cakes. However, I do think...well, a bit of freaking out, if there is such a thing, is necessary. The whole situation just makes me really uneasy. He could still be a garden-variety clueless jerk - that is still a possibility - but even if he is, getting a little pepper spray won't do any harm.

 

[Cakes488]

LOL...I'm in NYC Kate...we don't have guns for sale like that. Well unless you know somebody on the lower east side...LOL LOL.

I'll find some and another dear friend of mine mentioned a pellet gun...that could be fun and my brother owns one.

 

[Gryffindorian]

I would also invest in a home-security alarm system (sounds to me, Cakes, that you live in a house). Suppose you did all the precautionary steps (warned the police, talked to the wife, etc.), but you don't know what his next move is (or worse, you do know his next move!) I'm no gun advocate myself and wouldn't feel comfortable having one around the house (except maybe for shooting birds for target practice). The authorities need to be alerted if your house is broken into.

 

[Cakes488]

BTW, I am sorry if we've freaked you out, Cakes. However, I do think...well, a bit of freaking out, if there is such a thing, is necessary. The whole situation just makes me really uneasy. He could still be a garden-variety clueless jerk - that is still a possibility - but even if he is, getting a little pepper spray won't do any harm.

I know ya'll are more concerned than I was...but now I'm on board and I'm concerned. When you ask people's opinion and the large majority are saying get a restraining order or I've seen this before etc...it makes me go . But I rather be than ignorant with blinders on. Seriously when I hear a car coming I've ducked down on the deck a few times (that's how i saw him creepily staring at the property as he passed)...I cannot do that shit! I'm giving him control....

 

[Cakes488]

I would also invest in a home-security alarm system (sounds to me, Cakes, that you live in a house). Suppose you did all the precautionary steps (warned the police, talked to the wife, etc.), but you don't know what his next move is (or worse, you do know his next move!) I'm no gun advocate myself and wouldn't feel comfortable having one around the house (except maybe for shooting birds for target practice). The authorities need to be alerted if your house is broken into.

I only live in a house 2 days a week and the rest of the time I rent a wretched apartment. I cannot afford any security system at this present time. This crappy house isn't even worth a security system...no there has to be another answer....Like my foot up his ass.

 

[Amaris]

What are you trying to say here....that he'll kill me before I make good on the threat?

Well, I'm honestly not trying to push that envelope, but in a word: yes. I've dealt with that kind of behavior on occasion. People who are obsessed and spurned can become violent. I know you've heard of the term "crimes of passion", well it doesn't have to be mutual. Just my opinion, I do believe you should inform the police, arm yourself with whatever you're comfortable with, and deny him all access to your home.


J.

 

[Roshi]

Tell the cops, file a complaint and get a restraining order.



And get married!

 

[Danoz]

Be weary of any person who makes an unwanted advance and appears incapable of hearing "no." You don't know if he is dangerous or not, and his continual ask of "are you alone" or "are you going to be alone" is a red flag. In most cases, even the kindest adulterer wouldn't "keep grabbing you" or resort to stalking.

Next time you feel uncomfortable, call the police. I wouldn't mess with this.

 

[Gryffindorian]

Cakes, one other option to consider if you're uncomfortable with guns: Booby-trap your house. Watch Home Alone I and II and get some ideas from young Macauley Culkin.

 

[Locutus of Bored]

- Talk to the police, get all of the previous incidents on file no matter how insignificant you might consider them, and get a restraining order immediately.

- Talk to some trusted neighbors and let them know the situation. Even if you don't want to make waves or are embarrassed (which you shouldn't be), simply knowing that others are aware of the situation should give you some piece of mind and give you a safe place to go if you're outside alone and he starts bothering you. It also alerts the neighbors that what he's doing is not harmless flirting if they see him talking to you, and that they should come over and simply say "hi" and stand with you.

- Be absolutely firm with him in any future encounters and leave no doubt that you have filed a police report and do not want him to speak to you or come near you again. It would be preferable to have someone with you when you say this, but I know that's not always possible.

- Get some pepper spray or mace to carry around at all times, perhaps even a small knife if you're comfortable with that. But be conscious of local laws.

- Improve the security of your house as best you can. The large glass patio doors are a problem, but a long bar can prevent them from sliding open. He can still break the glass of course, but unless he's really determined (in which case he can kick in the front door or break a window too) usually not having a quick, easy, and quiet entry point will do the trick.

- I would avoid telling the wife. It sounds like the right thing to do to confront her with the information, but it could potentially open a big can of worms both for you and for her with a creep like this. He could get violent with you for "messing up" his relationship, because guys like this never take responsibility for their own actions. She could deny it and get on your case too or badmouth you around the neighborhood. She could confront him and end up getting beaten as a result, or worse. If he gets arrested for doing this again the cat will be out of the bag anyway.

- Even if it doesn't seem like a big deal, please take this very seriously. The fact that the guy keeps asking if you're alone and walks into a screened in part of your house is just a huge danger sign. I don't want to alarm you, but he really does sound like a rapist scouting out a new victim. If you can have someone stay with you for a while I would do it. It doesn't even necessarily have to be a guy, because just having another person there can act as a deterrent many times.

We could all be wrong and this guy could just be some creep with serious boundary issues and the inability to take no for an answer, and it won't go any further than that. But all the warning signs of something worse are there, so it's better to not take any chances and stay safe.

 

[kimc]

1) Get a restraining order
2) Let your neighbors know and ask them to help keep an eye on things
3) Don't talk to the guy again, ever.
4) Don't be alone at this house until things are safer.

Chances are you're not the only one this guy is stalking. There may also be some open cases the cops are trying to resolve. Letting the police know is not just to your benefit but to the benefit of everyone in the neighborhood.

Whether or not this guy is married not relevant. From what you say he's stalking you and he could escalate.

 

[SiorX]

Just a couple of things that might also be helpful.

Do talk to the police, as so many people have already said here. When you're talking to them, outline the facts calmly and clearly. Have prepared in advance a factual account of how he has behaved, and your concerns about your safety or peace of mind. You probably feel quite confused and conflicted about this guy who you thought was nice if a bit of a git, and has now proved not to be, but don't feel guilty or self-dismissive in reporting the incidents. You're giving the authorities the facts as a fair precaution to help them and you should matters require their further intervention. You're not doing anything wrong, and you're not overreacting.

Keep a log of every incident that occurs, even if it seems inconsequential at the time. Note down the time, date, and what happens in a little personal notebook. This is useful for reporting future incidents to the police. It's also very helpful for keeping things in perspective for yourself so you can identify any patterns, or particular times of day when he's more likely to hassle you etc.

Have a network of friends you can call up or IM if you're feeling anxious. I admire how thoroughly fierce you are, but it's natural to get worried in this kind of situation. Like you said, he's looking for power in this situation by making you uncomfortable. Have somebody you can chat to - even come on here and chat to us - somebody who won't try to diminish your concerns or convince you you're over-reacting/imagining shit, but who also won't make you feel even worse by freaking out themselves.

There are further resources available online that might help you clarify what this man is doing and what your best options are for keeping yourself as safe as you can. Fr'instance the National Centre for Victims of Crime has a list of suggested safety planning, and Google turns up lots more local advice pages.

You can't control what he'll do, and that's a shitty situation to be in, but there are some pointers for things you can do to help feel more secure and safe.

 

[Jethro Elvis]

Cakes, once again I would like to apologize and thank you for not telling my wife.

Yer Pal,
Jethro (she just bought a gun) Elvis