The Horny Sheep
Spamming your way through the ranks today takes everything you got
Taking a break from discussing Star Trek sure would help a lot
Wouldn't you like to get away
Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your username
And they're always glad you came
You want to be where you can see, the postcounts are all the same
You want to be where everybody knows your username
You want to go where posters know
Our postcounts are all the same
You want to go where everybody knows your username
He found himself alone on a strange road. He didn’t know how he came to be there, his memory of the past few days was confusing and distant; nothing made much sense. It was dark. Lightening danced through the clouds before forking toward the ground, far too close for comfort. Strange noises in the trees whispered just on the edge of his hearing. An almighty crack as a tree to his left was hit by a lightening strike vibrated through his very being, the tree letting out an eerie scream before collapsing on to the road behind him, blocking the way back. Now he had no choice. He pulled up his collar, put his head down and pushed onward down the road.
He staggered on and on, the road ever leading uphill and the road surface becoming pitted and rocky. Suddenly, for a moment the rain eased, and the wind whipping around him brought the sound of voices, real human voices. And laughter, he heard laughter too. His heart leaped and he found a renewed energy in his tired limbs. Maybe madness had finally overcome him, but he picked up his pace and pushed onward.
Finally he reached the top of the hill. He slipped in the mud and fell to his hands and knees in exhaustion, but as he lifted his head he saw it. A building squatted in amongst the trees! The shutters were pulled tight, but a warm orange glow of light crept through the edges of them, and a flickering lamp swung above the heavy door.
As he looked he saw two figures standing in the gloom outside the door. He almost cried out in joy; here were his lost companions! He dragged himself to his feet and ran toward them. They spun round upon hearing his feet splashing through the mud, and the young woman burst into a smile and ran to greet him.
“AJD!” She hugged him. “We thought we’d lost you!” He looked to the dark haired man standing beside her.
“Don’t look at me, I’m not hugging you,” the man grinned before turning back toward the building. Cmdr AJD smiled.
“I was worried about you too Quo.” He turned to study the building with the others. There was much noise coming from behind the door. Music and laughter for one, but there was also agonized screaming and other less recognizable noises. In unison they looked up to the battered wooden sign over hanging the door. It creaked ominously as the flickering light from the lamp above it revealed an image of a rampant ram and the words Dafad Gwyrniog.
“What does it mean?” Asked AJD, puzzled.
“I don’t know,” answered Quo. “Cat? Is it Dutch?” The young woman looked at him pityingly.
“Does this look like the Netherlands to you?” She gestured around them. “We’re on a mountain.”
“So?” He asked, clearly not getting her point. Cat looked at him in disbelief.
“Americans!” She sighed, rolling her eyes. She walked forward and toward the door.
“Wait!” Quo shouted. “I’m not sure we should go in.”
“Well, we’ve got to go somewhere.” AJD gestured at the sky. “We’ll drown if we stay out here.”
At that moment a piercing scream came from inside the building followed by a deafening silence; even the storm seemed to quiet. They stared at the thick heavy door in front of them in dread. Suddenly, laughter rang out from behind the door and the cacophony of sound returned.
“Well, we have to do something, Quo.” The men both turned to see Cat reaching for the door.
“Cat, what are you doing?”
“This sign here says that the first drink is free,” She pointed to a small board beside the door.
“And that they have the world’s largest supply of different beers.” The two men looked at one another for a moment and then ran for the door.
“Me first!”
“No, me!”
“I was here first!”
“But I’m the oldest!”
“What ever happened to ladies first?”
“All’s fair in love and beer!”
They fumbled at the rusted handle on the door. It turned suddenly, and the three of them tumbled in through the door, landing in a pile on the floor. Silence filled the room. They lifted their heads, and saw a pair of feet. They looked up further to see a blue face looking down at them with a knowing smile.
"We've been expecting you,” she said. ”Welcome to the Horny sheep.”
"But... the sign said Dafad Gwyrniog," a confused AJD said after a moment.
"Welsh," the girl explained. "We are, after all, in Wales."
"Wales?" The 3 on the ground exclaimed, surprised.
"I thought we were in The Netherlands," said the dark haired man sheepishly. The girl looked at him incredulously and then laughed.
"A bit on the hilly side, don't you think?" She asked teasingly.
"I guess," the man replied.
"So, are you gonna stay there all day, or are you going to get up?" The girl asked. The three on the floor blushed, then slowly started to disentangle themselves from each other. The girl watched in amusement, then held a hand out to the woman to help her up.
"I'm Loopylass," she said, her antennae twitching again, "But everyone calls me Loopy. And you are...?"
"I’m Quo," the dark haired man said, smiling and shaking her hand. "This is Cmdr AJD-" the other man smiled, "-And Catalina Marina, but most people call her Cat."
"Well, let me show you around," Loopy said, stretching her arm out as she did so, gesturing to the room spread out in front of them. It was, on the surface, a traditional old pub; the ceilings were low and beamed, the floor stone tiled and a fire was crackling cheerily in the hearth. However, the regulars were anything but normal, as they would soon find out.
A squirting sound echoed from somewhere around the room, and Quo felt something hit him.
“Oh god,” AJD expressed, a shocked look on his face. Quo looked down and saw…blood. Colour drained from his cheeks.
“I’ve been shot,” he cried, collapsing weakly to the floor. He grabbed AJD’s shirt and pulled him closer.
“Remember…” he breathed. AJD leaned down to catch what Quo was saying, near to tears at the loss of his friend. Surprisingly the rest of the bar carried on as normal.
“Don’t you have any humanity? Someone has just died! And you’re sat there as if nothing has happened!” AJD shouted to the rest of the bar furiously.
“Um…..guys?” Cat interjected. “This isn’t blood.”
“What do you mean?” AJD asked, puzzled.
“Taste it, it’s not blood,” Cat told him. “It’s tomato sauce!”
“You mean…?” A look of joy dawned on his face. “Quo? Quo! Get up!” he shouted happily. “You’re alive!”
“I’m alive?” Quo asked, a look of wonder on his face. “I’m alive!” He repeated, climbing to his feet. “But who would do such a thing?” At this, a high-pitched, evil laugh was heard.
“I got them! I got them!” It rejoiced.
“Tomato, we’ve told you before, behave yourself,” Loopy scolded. She turned to Quo. “Sorry about that, are you alright?” She asked, concerned.
“Yes, I’m okay now thanks,” he reassured her. “But how can that ketchup bottle talk?”
“Well, he hasn’t always been tomato sauce,” Loopy informed him sadly. “He once was a nice round tomato. But one day there was a terrible accident, and ever since he’s been evil tomato sauce. But don’t worry about him. He can’t really do much,” she reassured them.
“What do you mean?!” The little bottle angrily replied, “I’m going to take over the world! And you’ll all become my slaves!” He shouted, cackling evilly. He started wobbling in excitement. “You’ll see, one day you’ll bow to me and call me master!” He was getting excited. So excited, in fact, he fell off the table and onto the floor.
“No, not again,” he moaned. “Can somebody help me up? Please? Anybody? I’ll be good this time. I promise,” he pleaded, looking at Loopy. He knew she was a soft touch.
“That’s what you said the last time,” she reminded him.
“But this time I promise. I really will behave. Honest I will,” the bottle said wretchedly.
“Hmm, okay, but this is your last chance,” she warned him, picking up the bottle and placing it back on the table.
Seeing that the drama was over, Cat turned to look at the rest of the pub. A man was standing behind the bar, apparently quite normal except for his blinding tie, which must have had every colour of the rainbow on it and more. A woman was sitting at a table with a young man, appearing to be hitting him over the head with a baguette. Another woman was singing at the karaoke machine, while a man, obviously a DJ, was sitting with a huge pile of electrical equipment, speakers and other such technology, presumably trying to fix something.
There was also two women were sitting at a table in the corner, frowning and scribbling away on pieces of paper, seemingly writing something. At a different table another three women sat, one holding a baby in her arms.
This seemed to be the extent of the more normal customers. In the corner, a rather dashing pirate was brandishing a cutlass, shouting about a parrot he had once owned. On the bar, there was a stuffed frog wearing a baseball cap. At least, it looked stuffed, until it opened its eyes and hopped a few feet further up the bar. There was also a man standing by the bar, who upon noticing the newcomers, gleefully shouted out “You're banned!" causing his companion to laugh furiously.
Cat looked nervously at her companions but Loopy just smiled. “Don't worry, that's 47. He's banned all of us numerous times, no one takes any notice any more,” she laughed.
There was also a drunk staggering around the room, shouting random words. Two other men were sitting more quietly at a table, occasionally laughing uproariously at something the other said, one dressed in full hockey gear. The three newcomers turned to look at each other, amazed at the variety of people in the room.
In the corner, there was a notice board with various pieces of paper pinned onto it. The one that caught Cat’s attention, however, seemed to be a poster saying someone was missing. ‘Has anyone seen ScreaminReman?’ The poster read, a picture of the missing man accompanying it. I wonder where he is, Cat thought. Poor guy. She turned back to the others. This was going to be very interesting....
Cat looked around again. "Who's that man there?" She asked of Loopy, pointing to the man accompanying the hockey player.
"Oh, that's Captian Gertch," she answered. "Nice guy.”
"Don't you mean Captain Gertch?" Cat asked, puzzled. Loopy looked at her strangely.
"No, why would he be called Captain Gertch? That's just silly," the blue skinned girl said, bemused, her antennae drooping slightly. She shook her head and decided to introduce some of the other customers. "The guy with Gertch is Bro," she said, pointing at the man in the hockey gear, who tipped his glass to her in reply as she did so. "Another nice guy. Well, most of the time," she added with a glint in her eye.
The man who had been wandering around aimlessly staggered past, muttering something under his breath. Whatever it was it didn't sound polite. Cat looked nervously at Quo. Loopy once again caught her nervous look.
“It's okay,” said Loopy. “That's Mr Bungle, he’s completely harmless." She saw the disbelieving looks on their faces. "Really, trust me," she said as she smiled that knowing smile again. Some how, that just made them all the more cautious.
"So," Quo said impatiently, "The sign said something about the first drink being free…?"
“I think I can help you out there gentlemen," said the man behind the bar. "And the young lady too, of course. What can I get you?"
They all ordered the most expensive drinks they could think of. After all, the first one was free. But the bartender didn't seem to mind, he just shrugged and went about getting them their drinks.
"Why don't you take a seat by the fire, dry off a bit, and I'll get the barmaid to bring them over,” he told them.
Cat looked around. None of the people in here seemed to be much like a barmaid. She shrugged, and joined her companions at a table near the fire. Oh well, she'd find out soon enough. They talked to Loopy for a bit, each of the 3 dying to ask why exactly she was blue and had antennae, but none of them voicing it. It would be very rude after all, and the young girl had been quite kind to them since they had arrived.
After a few minutes, Cat heard footsteps behind her. She turned and saw a woman walking towards their table, presumably a barmaid. However, she didn't look like any barmaid Cat had ever seen before. It wasn't so much the woman herself, but rather her costume. She was wearing a Wonder Woman outfit!! Cat saw Quo and AJD's eyes widen, but Loopy didn't appear to notice that anything was out of place. Instead, she smiled at the woman.
"Hey Etched! Guys, this is Etched. Etched, these are the newbies," she introduced them.
"Nice to meet you," Etched said, smiling at them. They all smiled back.
“Excuse me," said Cat, "But I have to ask this. Why are you dressed as Wonder Woman?" Etched looked surprised, then hurt.
"Why, is there something wrong with it?" she asked, crestfallen.
"No, no," Quo reassured her. "It's fine, it's a lovely outfit," he smiled.
"Oh, you wait until you see her in her slave girl outfit!" A voice called out. "Now that is a nice outfit!" Loopy laughed, while Etched ignored the comment.
"And that," she said, "is trekkiebaggio. He can be quite a nice lad, even if he is a bit keen on nakedness," she said disapprovingly, and strode back to the bar, making a slight detour to whack the young man on the head with her tray.
"Ouch!" he said, rubbing his head ruefully. He looked up at them and grinned. "She loves me really," he said.
A shout came from behind the bar. "No, I don't!"
Trekkiebaggio simply gave her a cocky grin.
“Course you do, I’m irresistible,” he said. Etched raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything. Loopy watched their exchange, laughing, then turned back to her present companions.
“Just ignore them, they’re always like that,” she advised them. They smiled, and went back to sipping their drinks. Just then Cat noticed the giant frog once again hopping down the bar. I’m going to have to ask.
“Er, excuse me Loopy,” she said, “but why is there a giant frog in here?” Loopy frowned, confused, and her antennae once again drooped inwards.
“Giant frog? What giant frog?” Cat pointed to the frog, which was currently drinking out of a small glass. Loopy’s gaze followed and settled on the frog.
“Oh, that’s not a giant frog, that’s JAG. Can’t you tell the difference?” She asked, sounding genuinely surprised.
“No,” AJD said, “We thought it was a giant frog wearing a baseball cap.”
“You really can’t tell the difference?”
“Nope,” Cat replied. Loopy shook her head and finished her drink with large gulp.
“Hey, Outpost, any chance of another?” She called to the bartender.
“Sure, one Vanilla Coke coming right up Loopy,” the kindly old man responded.
“Thanks Outpost,” Loopy responded. She carried on talking to Cat, Quo and AJD for a bit until her drink came.
When she heard footsteps behind her, Cat looked up, expecting to see Etched with Loopy’s drink. Her drink was there, but it wasn’t Etched carrying it, it was another woman, who had earlier been sitting at a table with two of the other women.
“Thanks,” Loopy said.
“You’re welcome Loopy,” she replied. “Etched has just gone on her break. Who are your friends?” Daeana asked with interest.
“Oops, I forgot to introduce you. This is Cat, AJD and Quo,” Loopy said, gesturing to each in turn. “Guys, this is, ah…”
“Daeana,” the older woman came to her rescue. “It’s okay, I know you can’t say it properly Loopy.”
A chorus of hi’s came from the newcomers.
“Hi Deanna!”
“Hi Dayanna!”
“Hi Donna!”
“It’s pronounced Diana,” she repeated, smiling. “I wouldn’t worry, no one else knows how to say it either,” she added. Loopy looked embarrassed. She opened her mouth to say something, but was distracted by a strange feeling in the air.
Suddenly, the air started to hum with a strange vibration, and a green light began to radiate from the centre of the room. The glasses and bottles tinkled against one another on the shelves.
Commie lounge for me was about 4-5 years ago.
