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It's been so long since I've seen any of that, that I could have never seen any of it.

I think God accidentally put a second liver in my head, for all the good it does me.

Better off Ted is almost 10 years old.

Are you a little worried about how hawt that cute little kid, Ted's daughter might have turned out?

For a man, meh, a beautiful woman is a beautiful woman, but if she's too beautiful, as a women yourself, you are honor bound to destroy her, right?

All life is like prison-rules for women.
 
Wow. Almost 10 years? Geez where does the time go?

I looked her up. She's 14 now so still technically a kid, and looks pretty much the same.

Destroying beauty simply because it's beautiful is not a good thing. Beauty should be treasured.

Prison rules?
 
Prison Rules.

1. On your first day beat up the biggest person you can find half to death, with a chair to accredit yourself as a badass who should not be ####ed with.

2. Take the top bunk. (This is debateable. Top bunk urinates on bottom bunk through mattress to prove power, but bottom bunk shiv's top bunk for a dry nights sleep through mattress. Although I suppose being bled out on, isn't so dry either. So part of taking top bunk is proving that bottom bunk is a wussy because they don't have the stones to shiv you.)

3. Start a gang. Create humiliating or difficult initiating practices that involve either shiving a fish, or taking a kicking from the rest of the gang. Use gang as minions to live like a princess.

4. Create protection racket or dominate existing business. Fish and any one not connected to their own gang has to pay a tithe to you to avoid a beating and humiliation. Currency to be determined on needs. It can't still be cigarettes?

5. Mark territory and defend it. Trespasses are not forgiven.

6. Look for weaknesses in other gang leaders. Take their territory, fish, soldiers, and businesses the second it looks like they're a punk you can dominate or remove from genpop.

7. Don't take shit from anyone. If you do not respond with disproportionate violence to even an imagined slight, you will be shived and drowned in a toilet by night fall.

8. No sloppy seconds. Create dominance by taking the first cut of all leisure, graft, services and liberties.

9. Snitches get stitches. Do not tolerate dissent or disloyalty or independent thought in your ranks. It's your way or they get beaten and stuffed in a turned on industrial drier.

10. Floss.
 
I wouldn't last a hour an hour in prison! Absolutely not.

I'll just be sitting over there in the corner, twiddling my thumbs, and not causing trouble. Watching all the bad people be bad.

Yep.
 
Until someone decides that they have more right to your pudding pop than you do?

Exchange the unrelenting violence for passive-aggressiveness and cyber bullying, and that's your regular non-imprisoned type A Queen Bee meangirl assuming control of a high school or office space.

"Search your feelings, you know it to be true".
 
Oh. I've had my fair share of mean girls. In high school and at work. I have a method that has proven to be highly effective: kill them with kindness.

Never underestimate the power of being nice.

Like Silly Putty in my hands.
 
Only because I'm a fool who walks into every new episode thinking it's going to be as awesome as the first time.
 
Here's a tip: go into it with no expectations. That way you don't run the risk of being disappointed.

Applying it to life is also useful.
 
Here's a tip.

You tell a bloke to just go in it with just the tip, and you're going to hear ten minutes of crude jokes about "just the tip".

[yt]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jS4w5S-Jdb4[/yt]

If you don't know this cartoon, it's called "Archer", you should look into it.
 
You have a dirty mind, Mr. Gardener. You should consider cleaning up there some time.

I have heard of it.

That guy seems like a jerk.

P.S. You have ruined the word "tip" for me. I'll have to stick to using "advice" from now on.

Damn.
 
26 episodes?

Unless someone is making you work the Christmas holidays, you'll be done with Better off Ted the day after tomorrow at worst.

You need to prepare for the dark future where there's a monkey on your back, because you've seen both seasons of Better Off Ted, but you're still yelling at your phone to give you more.

Stoopid technology won't do what it's bloody well told. :(
 
I start back at work in two days. I've watched 5 episodes. I doubt I can finish 21 more by then.

Hey! Look at my killer math skills!

*Time to suffocate my pillow*
 
You know the part of the pillow case where you shove the pillow through? That's it's mouth. It won't shut up so the only way for me to get any peace and quiet, is to cause pillowy-harm.

Otherwise I'm forced to listen to it sing, and believe me, my pillow could use some voice lessons.
 
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