The Truth About Captain Kirk
Time to nip this "Kirk got laid every week" nonsense in the bud.
We'll take this one episode at a time (we'll skip "The Cage" since Kirk wasn't even in that one), always asking the question, "Did Kirk get lucky?":
"Where No Man Has Gone Before" Within the story itself, nope. Brief reference to a "little blonde lab technician" way back at the Academy, later assumed to be Carol Marcus.
"The Corbomite Maneuver" Nope. In fact, Yeoman Rand seems to annoy him more than anything else.
"Mudd's Women" No. Eve pursues Kirk, Kirk doesn't accept, Eve takes up with Ben Childress.
"The Enemy Within" Close, but no cigar. His "dark half" attempted to rape Janice Rand, and ultimately failed in that, but since that really wasn't "our" Kirk, it doesn't count.
"The Man Trap" Nope, this was McCoy's turn at bat.
"The Naked Time" Despite admitting his deeply buried feelings for Janice Rand, he pretty much confirms what he said in "The Corbomite Maneuver", that he already has a female in his life and she's named Enterprise.
"Charlie X" Nope.
"Balance of Terror" Nope.
"What Are Little Girls Made Of?" Passes made at the android Andrea were more along the lines of trying to disrupt Corby's perfect little world so he could attempt an escape, and nothing really happened anyway, so, in the end, nope. Most of the romantic fires were being stoked between Nurse Chapel and Corby.
"Dagger of the Mind" Initially, Kirk wanted nothing to do with Helen Noel. The frequently referenced Science Lab Christmas party only yields that the two of them danced and he talked about the stars. End of story on that end. Only after Dr. Adams takes Helen's innocent fantasy suggestion and induces strong romantic passions into Kirk's mind do we see any sparks, which only results in Kirk spouting off like a bad romance novel, until he's reminded that these feelings are the result of Adams' influence, at which point he's able to reassert control. So, basically, close but no cigar.
"Miri" Miri develops a crush on Kirk. Rand bemoans that Kirk never pays any attention to her legs. Kirk's too busy trying to save everyone's lives, including the other children, to even think about a roll in the hay. Nope.
"The Conscience of the King" Flirting and some kissing on the observation deck with Lenore, that's it, and it's debatable whether or not he was simply trying to get closer to Karidian. And since she turned out to be the killer of all those survivors, it was doomed anyway. This one goes as a "not really."
"The Galileo Seven" Get real.
"Court-Martial" Within the story itself, nope, except for that final kiss on the bridge. Areel Shaw had a relationship with Kirk "four years, seven months, and an odd number of days" ago, so this reference doesn't really count.
"The Menagerie" Only one extremely vague reference to Lt. Helen Johanssen ("She only mentioned that she knew you, sir") is the only thing close in this one.
"Shore Leave" Another one from the past, Ruth, apparently from back in his Academy days or thereabouts. Doesn't seem that much really happened within the story itself, unless you count her showing up again at the end (17 episodes in and we finally might actually have Kirk getting lucky? Not a good average for an alleged womanizer....)
"The Squire of Gothos" Hardly.
"Arena" I think Uhura was the only female in the whole bloody episode....
"The Alternative Factor" Nope.
"Tomorrow is Yesterday" Nope.
"The Return of the Archons" Nope.
"A Taste of Armageddon" Not even close.
"Space Seed" Khan got all the action in this one.
"This Side of Paradise" Spock's turn.
"The Devil in the Dark" Only female in the whole thing was the Horta. Nope.
"Errand of Mercy" 1st Klingon episode. Nope.
"The City on the Edge of Forever" Ah, yes, Edith Keeler. This was true love, kids. However, to set history straight, she had to die. Thus, the crux of the story. Whether or not Kirk got lucky is dependent on how easy you think Edith was (remember, she was an idealistic social worker, so how likely is it that she'd hop into bed with this handsome stranger?), so it's debatable how far this relationship actually went.
"Operation: Annihilate!" Nope.
That's 28 episodes so far, and by my count, Kirk got lucky, during the course of the series to this point, maybe twice. Second season, folks?
"Catspaw" The romantic action in this one lasted less than one scene, once Sylvia discovered that Kirk was only using her to save his men. Have to say "nope" on this one.
"Metamorphasis" Nope.
"Friday's Child" Nope.
"Who Mourns For Adonais?" Romantic tension was between Lt. Carolyn Polamas, Scotty, and Apollo. Kirk was strictly business.
"Amok Time" Nope.
"The Doomsday Machine" You must be kidding.
"Wolf In the Fold" He didn't even get a chance to hit on that waitress before Scotty was possessed by Redjac and knifed her. Nope.
"The Changeling" Puh-leeze....
"The Apple" Nope. That was Chekov getting hot with that yeoman.
"Mirror, Mirror" Marlena was the alternate Kirk's woman, and you have to play the cards you're dealt, right? Besides, nothing happened besides a very passionate kiss (too busy trying to prevent the Halkans from being wiped out, getting assassinated by their own crew, and somehow getting home).
"The Deadly Years" Another one from the past (Janet, "six years, four months, and an odd number of days" ago), with no action within the episode itself. Nope.
"I, Mudd" Nope.
"The Trouble With Tribbles" Nope.
"Bread And Circuses" Okay, we've got that slave girl, Drusilla. We now have our, maybe, third time in 43 episodes.
"Journey to Babel" Nope. Too busy bleeding.
"A Private Little War" Although Nona tried, with the help of the Mako root, that Mugato came along and interrupted things, so, in the end, nope.
"The Gamesters of Triskelion" I was about to say "probably yes" on this one, but then I remembered that Provider One had not yet selected a mate for Shanna, and even though Kirk was definitely in the running, he certainly wouldn't be allowed to jump the gun, so this one never really got going. Nope, sorry, Shanna.
"Obsession" Nope.
"The Immunity Syndrome" Nope.
"A Piece of the Action" Nope. Shoulder massage from Krako's moll doesn't count.
"By Any Other Name" Never did get beyond making out with Kelinda in the lounge, and that was done primarily to both distract Kelinda and drive Rojan completely nuts with jealousy. Doesn't really count.
"Return To Tomorrow" Sargon kissing Thelassa while in Kirk's and Mulhall's bodies, respectively, most certainly does not count.
"Patterns of Force" Nope.
"The Ultimate Computer" Not unless you count what Starfleet tried to do to Kirk careerwise.
"The Omega Glory" Nope.
"Assignment: Earth" Uh-uh.
So far, two seasons, 55 episodes, possibly three times, and only one of those can we point to with any degree of certainty ("Bread And Circuses").
Third Season...
"Spectre of the Gun" Nope. Chekov was getting close, though.
"Elaan of Troyius" Maybe. He was in her quarters a loooong time. We'll count this one as confirmed just for argument's sake (that makes two out of a possible four so far)
"The Paradise Syndrome" Well, Miramanee was pregnant, so that pretty much ends that discussion. Up to five, with only three confirmed.
"The Enterprise Incident" Nope. Now, as for Spock, that's another argument....
"And The Children Shall Lead" Nope.
"Spock's Brain" Didn't even hit on anybody.
"Is There In Truth No Beauty?" Tried to distract Dr. Jones with a walk in the arboretum, but that was it.
"The Empath" Nope. Too busy getting tortured.
"The Tholian Web" He was barely in this one.
"For the World Is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky" Nope. McCoy, on the other hand, almost assuredly did (about time, too....)
"Day of the Dove" Nope.
"Plato's Stepchildren" Kirk being telekinetically forced to kiss Uhura doesn't even remotely count (especially when, if you look closely, their lips never really meet; that was the compromise position reached when it was time to film this scene, so they could have a way out in case of a backlash).
"Wink of an Eye" Now this one is another confirmed instance (We see Kirk sitting on the bed, putting his boots back on, while Deela is busy brushing her hair; it's still a mystery how this one slipped by the censors). We are now up to six possible, with four confirmed.
"That Which Survives" Nope. As for what Losira did to the Enterprise, well....
"Let That Be Your Last Battlefield" Nope.
"Whom Gods Destroy" Not exactly. Marta certainly was doing good at getting Kirk's interest up, until she pulled that knife on him. Kinda puts an end to things, doncha think?
"The Mark of Gideon" Yeah, I'll give ya this one, although I'm not willing to call this one confirmed. Kirk and Odonna certainly weren't leaving the bridge arm-in-arm to go check the antimatter flow regulators. That makes seven possible, four confirmed.
"The Lights of Zetar" Nope.
"The Cloud Minders" Nope.
"The Way To Eden" Even with a bunch of hippies on board, nope. Kirk was just too square, baby.
"Requiem For Methuselah" Hmm. I don't think this one ever progressed to the physical stage, if only because Kirk was too busy with the Enterprise crew being sick, so this gets a close, but not close enough.
"The Savage Curtain" Nope.
"All Our Yesterdays" Kirk, nope. Spock, yeah, baby, YEAH!!
"Turnabout Intruder" Maybe way back when Kirk and Janice Lester were dating, but within the story, nope.
So, out of 79 episodes, we have only seven possible instances, and only four of those can we count as confirmed.
Now, can we finally leave this horse buried?
