Job v children ~ importance of

[K'Ehleyr]

So we're at work this afternoon ~ myself and She.

Her eldest 21'ish son turns up and has walked a good 5 miles to come and see Her.

I say " Hi ****, how are you?" *upbeat*
She says "Uh Hello" * turns back to kitchen.

The place is dead, we have no customers, so I say 'Oh it's nice of him to come all this way, what does he want?' *joke*
'I can cover here if you want to have lunch or a drink with him'
'I'm cleaning the coffee machine' in unnecessarily harsh voice.
2 hours later... Her son is at a table, laptop plugged in but still watching for where She is.
We still have no customers.
She decides to make a sandwich for Herself and sits Herself a table away from Her son to eat and pretend to do paper work.

My questions are:
If your child had walked all that way to see you would you ignore them?
If you were offered complete cover time to enjoy that time with them would you not take it?
If you'd had issues, whatever they may be, surely a gesture like this would be a good thing.
And even if someone offers to cover you for however long, why not take it?

I sincerely do not understand this woman.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

Sounds like she didn't really want to see him. Who knows why? Certainly rude, but family business often is.

 

[auntiehill]

*shrug*

Families. Go figure. I've seen some truly bizarre things in people (who I otherwise would've thought fairly sane and well-adjusted) in regards to their children, siblings, parents, etc. There's a lifetime of baggage there that anyone outside the family could never understand. Still, sometimes it's nice to have an outsider point out, objectively, that perhaps there are OTHER ways to behave.

This outsider, of course, is usually completely ignored.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

Sounds like she didn't really want to see him. Who knows why? Certainly rude, but family business often is.

I'm calling it heartless.

Especially as she adores her younger son.

I agree I don't know all the issues but to see this in comparison to how my son and I get on this is very weird.

Auntiehill ~ that's why I kept a closed mouth! Still weird thou!

 

[Miss Chicken]

I have serioisly problems getting on with my eldest son but I don't think I would ignore him in a situation like this. I would either talk to him or ask him to leave.

Maybe this woman was worried that if she talked to him it would end in an argument?

I recently spoke to woman who, more or less, admonished me because my son was homeless and he had told her, about a month before, that I wouldn't let him live with me. She said that a good mother would let her son live with her. What she didn't know is that, at that time, I believed that he was living in a different city about 200 km away.

This woman thought she knew all she needed to know after talking to my son for about 15 minutes. She knew nothing about his mental health issues which include the fact that he can be very aggressive and this aggression is often directed at his intellectually disabled younger brother.

 

[RoJoHen]

It's a weird situation, to be sure. What I wonder more is why her son came all that way. Was he expecting that kind of treatment from his mother? Did he have a specific reason for coming to see her?

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

K, I agree with you (as always ). She should make some effort to reach out.

BTW, why the capitalization?

 

[Miss Chicken]

I wonder if people would feel the same way if the man who had walked 5 miles was an estranged husband rather than an (possibly) estranged son?

It seems to me that society expects mothers to up with far worse behaviour from their children than society would expect a woman to take from a man she had ended a relationship with.

 

[Kestra]

People have relationships that often can't be understood or judged from an outside point of view. As long as no one is getting hurt or in a really bad way, it's often better to avoid attempts at understanding, especially when it's two adults involved. You did your part to help and either of them can approach you if they feel like talking.

 

[Trekker4747]

"Job v Children"

One of the most under-rated Bible character-themed 1950s "B-Movie" movies ever.

 

[Sephiroth]

and you didn't hand them B'atle'ths and force them to work their problems out?

 

[RJDiogenes]

She either was very angry with him and not ready to speak to him yet, or just didn't want to have a discussion or fight in public. Can't really judge them without knowing the full story.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

I have serioisly problems getting on with my eldest son but I don't think I would ignore him in a situation like this. I would either talk to him or ask him to leave.

Maybe this woman was worried that if she talked to him it would end in an argument?

I recently spoke to woman who, more or less, admonished me because my son was homeless and he had told her, about a month before, that I wouldn't let him live with me. She said that a good mother would let her son live with her. What she didn't know is that, at that time, I believed that he was living in a different city about 200 km away.

This woman thought she knew all she needed to know after talking to my son for about 15 minutes. She knew nothing about his mental health issues which include the fact that he can be very aggressive and this aggression is often directed at his intellectually disabled younger brother.

I do understand what you are explaining. I'm sorry for your situation with your son.
I'm lucky that I have a really good one with mine.
It just made for a really (more than usual) uncomfortable couple of hours.
And she should have at least spoken to him, he looked liked a little lost soul.
It's interesting you bring up the intellectually disabled side, as I'm sure the older, ignored son suffers more because he is mildly 'in need of more attention' (I'm sorry I don't know the PC way to describe this), than the favoured younger son who gets all the attention and golf lessons!

It's a weird situation, to be sure. What I wonder more is why her son came all that way. Was he expecting that kind of treatment from his mother? Did he have a specific reason for coming to see her?

Maybe a bit of attention? She didn't speak to him so I don't know, but I'm certain in that situation ~ totally dead bar, son walked miles, co-worker saying she'd cover ~ I would have ordered lunch and had a laugh.

K, I agree with you (as always ). She should make some effort to reach out.

BTW, why the capitalization?

She has now become 'She who shall not be named' (quote Harry Potter!)

I wonder if people would feel the same way if the man who had walked 5 miles was an estranged husband rather than an (possibly) estranged son?

It seems to me that society expects mothers to up with far worse behaviour from their children than society would expect a woman to take from a man she had ended a relationship with.

Well with children I believe it does come down to nature or nurture. As Mothers we can only do so much.
We may have to love our children, but there are times we certainly don't like them.
As much as I'm proud of my relationship with Son there was one time I just stood up and said "Get out of my sight".

People have relationships that often can't be understood or judged from an outside point of view. As long as no one is getting hurt or in a really bad way, it's often better to avoid attempts at understanding, especially when it's two adults involved. You did your part to help and either of them can approach you if they feel like talking.

True ~ I've realised it's better not to intervene with any relationships. It's only you that ends up being the bad guy!

"Job v Children"

One of the most under-rated Bible character-themed 1950s "B-Movie" movies ever.

But it was unfair because Job had the advantage! I mean he already had a stage name.

and you didn't hand them B'atle'ths and force them to work their problems out?

That would have been so much fun! Would fish knives have the same effect? No, I thought not

She either was very angry with him and not ready to speak to him yet, or just didn't want to have a discussion or fight in public. Can't really judge them without knowing the full story.

Re: reply to Miss Chicken. She obviously has favourites.
But as you say I don't know the full story.
I just know she has issues.
She's married with 2 sons and although the rest of us staff are scrambling for hours she's taken 59hours for herself this week alone.
This is someone who does not want to be at home.

 

[Gryffindorian]

They apparently have some kind of family conflict. The son didn't seem upset or angry with his mom, but mom's cold and impersonal demeanor would suggest an underlying issue.

 

[Miss Chicken]

It's interesting you bring up the intellectually disabled side, as I'm sure the older, ignored son suffers more because he is mildly 'in need of more attention' (I'm sorry I don't know the PC way to describe this), than the favoured younger son who gets all the attention and golf lessons!

What makes you think my eldest son was ignored in any way?

When my youngest two sons (both disabled) were under school age they went to daycare once or sometimes twice a week during school holidays. This meant i could have some quality time with my eldest son. I usually took him to the cinema, library, museum etc. This would have been when my eldest son was between the ages of 6 and 9.

When my eldest son was nine, my intellectally disabled son started a special school which was quite a distance from where I lived. This meant he stayed with a foster family during the week during the school year which meant my eldest son only had to compete with my youngest son for attention. As my youngest son was a quiet and well behaved child his disability didn't really distract me from giving my eldest son the attention he needed.

Also my eldest son was the one who joined Scouts, went to the Police Boys Club and had keyboard lessons. His younger brothers had none of that.

 

[Avalon]

It's interesting you bring up the intellectually disabled side, as I'm sure the older, ignored son suffers more because he is mildly 'in need of more attention' (I'm sorry I don't know the PC way to describe this), than the favoured younger son who gets all the attention and golf lessons!

What makes you think my eldest son was ignored in any way?

Miss Chicken -- I think K'Ehleyr meant her co-worker's sons?

 

[Miss Chicken]

Oops my apologies to K'ehleyr. I shouldn't have read it first thing in the morning (before I had my coffee). I thought that when she mentioned one child being intellectually disabled she was talking about me as she hadn't previously mentioned this woman having a intellectually disabled son.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

It's interesting you bring up the intellectually disabled side, as I'm sure the older, ignored son suffers more because he is mildly 'in need of more attention' (I'm sorry I don't know the PC way to describe this), than the favoured younger son who gets all the attention and golf lessons!

What makes you think my eldest son was ignored in any way?

When my youngest two sons (both disabled) were under school age they went to daycare once or sometimes twice a week during school holidays. This meant i could have some quality time with my eldest son. I usually took him to the cinema, library, museum etc. This would have been when my eldest son was between the ages of 6 and 9.

When my eldest son was nine, my intellectally disabled son started a special school which was quite a distance from where I lived. This meant he stayed with a foster family during the week during the school year which meant my eldest son only had to compete with my youngest son for attention. As my youngest son was a quiet and well behaved child his disability didn't really distract me from giving my eldest son the attention he needed.

Also my eldest son was the one who joined Scouts, went to the Police Boys Club and had keyboard lessons. His younger brothers had none of that.

I did not mean to refer to your circumstances in any way.
I am sorry if you took it that way.
I was referring to Co-worker's issue.

 

[Miss Chicken]

Sorry about the mistake. I read your post at around 6am, I should learn not to post at such a time of day.