I'm currently facing a dilemma regarding how I should act towards a good friend of mine and I would be interested in what people generally think about this. The reason being that the majority of people I know seem to have a rather one-sided view of the issue.
The situation is as follows. My friend who is in his mid-thirties wants to propose to his girlfriend who is 18. Now this girls is the daughter of another slightly older friend of ours and indeed we have known her since she was just 10 years old. Over the years it seems my friend and this girl became very close. Contact, as far as can be told, was not illicit and would usually take place through social events at the father's house. However, no one realised how close their relationship got and when the girl turned 18 they started dating. Her parents whom I'm both good friends with as well as almost everyone else who knows about it is appalled by these developments and they are lobbying me to speak out against it as well. They all seem to feel that it is inappropriate because of the age gap, but mainly because he knew her when she was little and that he has abused the trust of his friend who is the father of this girl. There is also concern that he has somehow manipulated her.
However, from what I have seen, these two truly love each other. To me there is no sign of anything sinister - past or present. He cares deeply for her welfare and they both insist that there was no sexual relationship before she was an adult. They have a huge amount in common and are extremely happy together. When they are together that is, as she still lives with her parents who are trying to dissuade her from leaving to live with my friend. Also my friend is a very gentle, kind and well meaning sort of guy who is successful in his job as a high school teacher (with an unblemished record btw).
So maybe it's a bit unorthodox, but is there really something wrong or even morally apprehensible about what my friend is doing? In my opinion these are two consenting adults and they should just be left alone. I suppose what is really hard for my friend who is the father of the girl is to accept the idea that these two obviously had feelings for each other when she was still a minor and it isn't quite clear how much they acted on this. The parents also feel that someone so much older could easily manipulate her and influence how she makes life choices etc.
So what kind of a stance would you take in a situation like this? Do you see any kind of threat from my friend towards this girl? Or might this relationship turn out to affect him negatively, for example his parents are worried this could reflect badly on his role as a teacher? Or is it just that people are too ageist about a relationship like this?
The situation is as follows. My friend who is in his mid-thirties wants to propose to his girlfriend who is 18. Now this girls is the daughter of another slightly older friend of ours and indeed we have known her since she was just 10 years old. Over the years it seems my friend and this girl became very close. Contact, as far as can be told, was not illicit and would usually take place through social events at the father's house. However, no one realised how close their relationship got and when the girl turned 18 they started dating. Her parents whom I'm both good friends with as well as almost everyone else who knows about it is appalled by these developments and they are lobbying me to speak out against it as well. They all seem to feel that it is inappropriate because of the age gap, but mainly because he knew her when she was little and that he has abused the trust of his friend who is the father of this girl. There is also concern that he has somehow manipulated her.
However, from what I have seen, these two truly love each other. To me there is no sign of anything sinister - past or present. He cares deeply for her welfare and they both insist that there was no sexual relationship before she was an adult. They have a huge amount in common and are extremely happy together. When they are together that is, as she still lives with her parents who are trying to dissuade her from leaving to live with my friend. Also my friend is a very gentle, kind and well meaning sort of guy who is successful in his job as a high school teacher (with an unblemished record btw).
So maybe it's a bit unorthodox, but is there really something wrong or even morally apprehensible about what my friend is doing? In my opinion these are two consenting adults and they should just be left alone. I suppose what is really hard for my friend who is the father of the girl is to accept the idea that these two obviously had feelings for each other when she was still a minor and it isn't quite clear how much they acted on this. The parents also feel that someone so much older could easily manipulate her and influence how she makes life choices etc.
So what kind of a stance would you take in a situation like this? Do you see any kind of threat from my friend towards this girl? Or might this relationship turn out to affect him negatively, for example his parents are worried this could reflect badly on his role as a teacher? Or is it just that people are too ageist about a relationship like this?
