Impromptu Parental Visit

[RoJoHen]

Tonight at 8pm: I receive a phone call from my mom saying that she and my dad are going to come out and visit me tomorrow for lunch.

Why this is annoying:

1) I have to work tomorrow at 5pm, so I will only be able to see them for a couple hours. It is a 2.5-hour drive from their house to my house, so they will be driving for 5 total hours just to have lunch. Though I'm not the one driving, it annoys me on principle. It seems like a huge waste of time and gas.

2) I had a lot of shit I was planning to do tomorrow morning/afternoon before I go to work. Now I have to rush and try and get it all done tonight and/or get up extra early tomorrow.

3) I had plans to go to the gym tomorrow afternoon with my friend, and now I have to cancel.

4) We already discussed the possibility of them visiting me tomorrow several weeks ago, and we decided that they weren't going to do it because it didn't make sense, so I had pretty much planned for them not to be here.

I am not seeking for advice or sympathy. I just needed to rant a little bit. I love my parents, but this is just very inconvenient. I should make my dad cut my grass.

 

[MANT!]

Kill them ..now

with a jack handle..

 

[Lumi]

Be grateful that your parents actually care about you enough to want to 'waste' all that gas money just to see you for a couple hours.

My dad lives within walking distance of my house and I haven't seen him in four months.

 

[auntiehill]

Why not just politely inform them that tomorrow is a bad time for you, and that perhaps you can visit them later?

 

[scotpens]

Tonight at 8pm: I receive a phone call from my mom saying that she and my dad are going to come out and visit me tomorrow for lunch.

My brother and his wife, who live in Toronto, occasionally come out here to Los Angeles. We always arrange a breakfast or lunch date by phone at least a couple of days ahead. You’re an adult with a life of your own. It’s thoughtless and inconsiderate of your parents to expect you to drop everything to spend some time with them on such short notice.

 

[RoJoHen]

Why not just politely inform them that tomorrow is a bad time for you, and that perhaps you can visit them later?

Meh, they pretty much have their minds set on this. And my mom has this annoying way of guilt-tripping me, so I would have felt bad saying no. Damn them.

 

[Aurian]

Why not just politely inform them that tomorrow is a bad time for you, and that perhaps you can visit them later?

Meh, they pretty much have their minds set on this. And my mom has this annoying way of guilt-tripping me, so I would have felt bad saying no. Damn them.

Parents who often guilt-trip their kids do so because it is effective. Don't fall for it. Just explain that it is not a good time and set up a date when it IS a good time and tell mom you will make it up to her then.

 

[Asbo Zaprudder]

If your inheritance depends on this, do it. If they're probably going to ask you for money to fund their drug and gambling habits, tell them to f*** off.

 

[Ar-Pharazon]

That is a lot of trouble just for lunch.

Must be something important.

Maybe you're getting a little brother or sister

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

^

Or maybe someone has a disease. Or they're getting divorced. Or they're selling your childhood home and spending your inheritance in Europe.

If they are getting divorced watch out for your dad wanting to move in with you.

 

[Finn]

That is a lot of trouble just for lunch.

Must be something important.

Maybe you're getting a little brother or sister

Anyway, I knew someone whose aunt flew all the way from Seattle to DC to see her in a play. The thing she was barely in it, only in the opening and closing scenes with total two minutes or so. She mostly worked backstage.

 

[Warp Coil]

I have zero problem telling my parents and other assorted family members that I am busy and can't do something if they try to make plans with me (especially at the last minute). Maybe it's because I keep myself busy and don't have a lot of free time to accommodate them. It's also probably because I don't like my family all that much and don't need to see them too often (they all live within 30 minutes of me... I see them enough already).

Every couple of weeks, my Dad will try and ask me if I am free for dinner. There's usually only one day available where I could squeeze him in for a couple of hours. Otherwise, I have plans (even if it is just going to the gym or running errands) and I am not going to cancel them. Sometimes I'll try and combine things - dinner w/Dad, then he can come with me as I go to Target or the mall or something to pick stuff up. He doesn't seem to mind and at least I'm still being productive.

 

[JustKate]

If they don't make a habit of this, I'd let it go and just go to lunch with them. If they frequently do this sort of thing and it really annoys you, maybe you need to take action.

My FIL (now deceased so it's no longer an issue) used to do this regularly, and the thing is, he lived hours away - literally...let me see...four states away. I guess it's possible that once or twice he might have spontaneously said to his wife, "Let's hop in the car and drive from Mississippi to Indiana! No, we can't call the family because our phone is out of order and look, we don't have a cell phone signal." But I am fairly certain that at least some of those times, he could have picked up the damn phone and called but didn't.

Because for years, almost every time he visited, he wouldn't call until he was actually in Indiana. And by the time he'd call his sons (and their wives), he would already have scheduled a bunch of other stuff, so the implicit message would be, "Either you rearrange your lives to suit my schedule or you won't see me at all."

It made me crazy. And resentful. It made his sons crazy and resentful, too, but they are nicer than I am, so they put up with it graciously. The other DIL, who is not only nicer than I am but is also probably the nicest person in the entire family, was actually the one who rebelled first - she put her foot down, but she did it so very, very, very nicely and diplomatically that my FIL probably didn't realize how firmly her food was on the floor.

I, on the other hand, wasn't nearly as nice once I finally rebelled. I flat-out said, "No." To my FIL, I was sorta diplomatic - I just said I had plans. Which was true, but since those plans involved catching up on laundry and having a quiet weekend after several really rough and busy weeks, they were "plans" in only the loosest sense of the word. Fortunately, my husband understood perfectly why I was short of graciousness (and I am far more interested in his feelings that my FIL's) and so he went on his own. From then on, sometimes when FIL would make one of these unheralded visits, I'd accommodate my schedule to his, but sometimes I wouldn't, and so from my perspective, things worked out fine. I don't know how the FIL felt about it. On one of his last visits before he died, my husband came out and told him, "Dad, you have to start giving us more notice," but as I said, he died shortly after this so I don't know if we would have ever succeeded in retraining such a stubborn person. I think we would have, but we'll never know for certain.

There. I guess I needed to rant a bit, too. But to drag myself back on topic, if it isn't a regular thing, I'd let it go. They're the only parents you've got, after all.

 

[C.E. Evans]

Be glad that you have parents. Both of mine are gone, and I'd do anything to see them again.

 

[Balrog]

^Amen.

Not saying you should allow the guilt trip visits, just putting a perspective on it. You never know how much time you have with one another.

Of course, if you're getting a baby brother or sister, THAT'S a different situation completely!

 

[Kestra]

Oh come on, I'm sure he loves his parents, he's just venting. He doesn't need solutions or guilt trips. I just went back to IL for about a week and by the last day I was ready to come home. I love my parents immensely but they have their own ways and I have my own life now.

 

[C.E. Evans]

I thought it was a cliche, but it isn't--you really don't appreciate people until they're gone. While they're here, it's easy to take them for granted or even find them a nuisance from time to time, but once their time is up, that's it (it's all the little special things about them you'll miss the most).

It's no guilt trip. Just saying it's a blessing to have parents that care about you.

 

[RoJoHen]

Yes, my parents are wonderful, and I'm lucky to have them. Blah blah blah. I have never lost a loved one and have no frame of reference for that kind of emotion. I love my parents and enjoy seeing them, but I do have my own life, and I don't appreciate them just intruding whenever they feel like it.

In other news, aside from still having a lot of shit to do around the house, the day was fine. We had a nice lunch, and they checked out my new workplace. I'm exhausted, but it was an okay day.

 

[doubleohfive]

Why not just politely inform them that tomorrow is a bad time for you, and that perhaps you can visit them later?

Meh, they pretty much have their minds set on this. And my mom has this annoying way of guilt-tripping me, so I would have felt bad saying no. Damn them.

FYI, the solution to all your problems with your mom:

Jack Donaghy said:

Step one: Say no.

Step two: She will try to pick a fight with you. You will not let her. She will raise her voice but I am going to ask you to Always. Speak. Quieter. If you raise your voice, emotions take over and she gets the upper hand.

But if you're calm and quiet, you stay in control and it's on to
step three. And this is the hardest one of all.

She will tell you how disappointed she is in you, and she will get up to leave. And you... let her walk away.

It's simple. Say no, talk low, let her go.

 

[Asbo Zaprudder]

Ah, ulterior motives and emotional blackmail - I remember it well.