I'm dating an older woman!

[Scout101]

You know those movies where the romantic lead marches all the way to where his woman is and wins her back? It was like that. I was marching down the street with a purpose. I marched and marched. It's quite a far walk, actually. But I marched the whole way.

I skipped inside like a little girl.

remember 2 weeks ago, when you had a badly-broken leg?

Continuity and passage of time isn't a strong suit, I know, but come on...

 

[Squiggy]

Well I am posting this from a laptop in the back of Thames' van, miles from home, hijacking someone's wireless connection, so I hope it gets through.

NEEDLESS EXPOSITION MAKES SQUIGGY ANGRY!

He can't understand why I want to tell my story to you people here.

Nor can we.

Sometimes I wonder myself, but I think I owe it to you now.

You owe us SO much. You don’t even know.

It's all over with my girlfriend now. There's no going back. And it's all over with Alicia too.

Here's how it went down. It was Saturday morning. I was sitting in my room again, like a hermit.

I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

Like one of the homeless people I used to talk to at the Soap Kitchen (except I had a home.)

Pretty big difference. It reminds me of that time I didn’t have a car, except I had a car.

I couldn't stand it anymore. I thought about how Saturday mornings used to be, waking up next to my girlfriend. Lil' Chuck and Lil' Lisa running in sometimes and bouncing up and down on the bed (well that was mostly just crazy Chuck lol.)

Did you get a special feeling in your happy place?

I knew the trial seperation was not over yet,but I just couldn't wait. I marched right out of my house.

Like a NAZI!

You know those movies where the romantic lead marches all the way to where his woman is and wins her back?

(Things in movies don’t really happen. They’re “pretend”)

It was like that.

Except…comical.

I was marching down the street with a purpose.

LIKE A NAZI!

I marched and marched.

All the way to Warsaw!

It's quite a far walk, actually.

Wait, don’t you have a car? What self-respecting AMERICAN doesn’t have a car?

But I marched the whole way.

We get it.

I got there.

Thanks.

I didn't even knock the door. I just walked in. My girlfriend was standing there, almost like she was waiting for me.

Hm, perhaps it was because you goosestepped for several miles. That may have raised her suspicions.

And lying on the sofa behind her, IN THE EXACT SAME POSITION as when I cupped her breasts that day (that position is burned into my mind and soul) was Alicia.

That could not have been a coincidence. How did they know I was coming?

Because you marched.

My mind, my paranoid mind,

The correct word is “crazy”.

thought for a moment that myabe my mom had phoned them up and told them I was coming. But she wouldn't do that. She loves me.

Another continuity error. You hate your mother.

My girlfriend looked strange. She almost looked...high. Spaced out. I actually ducked down subtlely (spelling?) to check her nose for cocaine,

There’s no way to subtlety check someone’s nose for coke.

as I'm so used to doing that with her ex.

You did it what…once?

But I couldn't see anything as I slipped on this stupid rug she has and nearly fell on my ass!

I decided just to go for it now or never. "I want you back," said, right away.

Backstreet Boys said that too. It worked for them, I don’t see the same in your future.

"This trial seperation is a trial HELL.

I see what you did there.

We must end it.

Wait…the relationship to the trail HELL (parrot phrasing).
I'm glad this malapropism came back.

Please, come back to me, Natalie."

ZOMFG! I’m facebooking her now so I can watch her nude sexiness all night long in the bushes.

She just looked at me. Then she looked at my cousin who smiled that sarcastic know-it-all smile.

I don’t think such an expression actually exists.

"You know, I know what you've been up to," my girlfriend said at last.

You mean NATALIE?!?!

"What do you mean?" I asked. My heart was racing. Surely Alicia didn't tell her everything. She would have incriminated herself. There was still a small hope at this moment.

Hope ran away many months ago.

"Alicia told me what the two of you used to do. What you tried to do to her here, what you were trying to do to her even when Chuck and Lisa were in the house. I know it all. And the saddest part is I'm not even surprised."

Then she’s a horrible mother.

I was floored (nearly literally thanks to that rug again!)

I see what you did thar again!

I thought about denying it.

But since every time you deny something things get comically out of hand, it would be best for you not to.

I thought about telling her that Alicia is an Asperger and prone to lying and flights of fancy.

Who talks like that?

But you know what? I did do those things. All of them.

Sigh. We know. Sadly we know.

IN CONTEXT they made sense,

Not so much.

IN CONTEXT they weren't bad and I think anyone could understand why I did them.

No.

But the fact remains that I still did them all. And it was time to be a man. It was time to own up.

"Yes," said I.

Seriously. Who talks like this?

"I'm not going to deny anything. I've been a fool. But I know what's important now. I want to be with you. I want to be a father to Chuck and Lisa."

SHE LAUGHED RIGHT IN MY FACE. :MAD:

"They're out with their real father now,"

Oh snap!

she said. "You could never be half the dad he is, and he's an ex drug addict!

Wow. This must really make you feel mad.

You could never be half the man he is either. It's over."

Wow again. You really misjudged this woman.

"NOOOO," I said. "It's him, ISN'T IT?"

Um. She just told you it was him.

"No," she said. "I'm not getting back with him. But I'm not getting back with you. I knew it was a mistake to get together with you in the first place. My sister told me, my parents, even YOUR mom

How can this be? Your alcoholic waste of a mother loves you?

told me she didn't think it would end well."

We all told you “this will not end well”.

I was shocked again by this.

Because you can’t pick up on simple context clues.

"And they were all right. You're too immature. It's not even the age thing, really. If you were a mature younger man it would be fine, but you're not. You're like a child!

But you can make sexy time all night!

It's like having a third child when you're about!

A third child who’s also a drama queen…and by drama queen…I mean a horrible writer.

I was on the rebound.

If only someone told you this!

I wish you luck. It sounds as if you didn't move too awfully fast which is a good sign. In my experience, Rebound Guy Never Gets the Girl, and asshole Ex always comes back.

Way to not rock the boat and stay with predetermined Hollywood clichés.

Yes, you're a good looking guy

Natrually. I mean, any good looking guy can only get his cousin, a high school junior, and a broken down mother of two.

I admit it was flattering when you showed me attention. But I never should have let it get this far, let you stay here so long, let you think...I blame myself, you know. In a way. But now I'm ending it. Please, leave."

Please leave? It doesn’t sound like she read ahead in the script. I mean logically this is what she would say be she obviously isn’t aware of the “It’s Saturday Morning and I’m going to have Break-up Incest/Sex and do some blow”.

It’s so clichéd.

Alicia looked so smug in the baground. I just couldn't stinking take it.

STONE COLD STUNNER!

I wasn't even angry with my girlfriend.

Natalie. Her name is Natalie.

Every word coming out of her mouth was true.

I would’ve shot myself if I realized I was that much of a horrible human being.

But Alicia!? How did she keep getting away with everything, come out of it smelling of roses

Wait for it…

and looking hotter than ever before?

Now THAT’S some good writing!

I almost barged over and grabbed her. But she was sitting out now and she had taken something out of her shirt.

Has to be her tits.

No, not her tits.

A bag of weed.

"Relax," she said. "We're just three crazy fucked up people. We need to all go our seperate ways after this. But let's take some time first to reflect."

I don’t think you really want to reflect. It might make you go insane if you really read back on all this.

My girlfriend...my ex-girlfriend, nodded.

And popped in some Barry White as this is what everyone does once a relationship ends. The tell you to get out and then instantly change their mind for no reason.

She agreed. And I just started laughing.

It is all very laughable.

The situation was so absurd, I couldn't help myself.

This is not needless exposition and as such it does not make me angry.

Alicia laughed too.

It is to laugh!

Then my ex. Then all three of us hugged!

Freeze frame! Roll credits!

It was so crazy. I felt my anger at Alicia slipping away. She was right. She was messed up too, just as bad as me. Maybe she WASN'T a master maniuplator like I had thought.

Um…what you’ve described thus far is her manipulating everything.

Remember, the paranoia. It was real. In that moment I felt close to both women.

Wait…wha?

 

[Squiggy]

We then smoked some weed.

Meh…sure. Why not.

Chuck and Lisa would be away all day with their father.

Doing blow.

So we weren't doing anything wrong. We smoked quite a lot of it and remincised in a way.

Depends. Here in America (where you live), it is against the law.

Alicia talked about Batgirl and what had happened with her and we had a good laugh.

Ah, flashback sequence.

My Ex admitted she'd slept with her ex more than once behind my back despite just telling me the one time, and we left.

Good times.

Hey, weed is good for something, I was so relaxed I didn't care. I felt so open now, so alive.

Hold…hold….HOLD!!!!!!

Then we started fooling around.

Win!

It was innocent at first, just me and Alicia tickling each other. But then I accidently tickled her under the tits. And she kissed me. Then we laughed, knowing it was the same mistake again.

Is this when the audience says “Wooooo!” or when they laugh? Depends on the demo I guess.

"Hey," said my ex, so high, starting to strip off. "How about a threesome?"

Natually. Weed makes girls extra-horny. Stay above the influence.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ALL THINKING

STONE COLD STUN THAT BITCH!

but it wasn't my idea, honest.

No, you can pawn this abortion off now. Too late for that.

Or Alicia's. It was my ex.

Riiiight.

It was a conesntual threesome between us all.

Glad it was consentual. Don’t need to add “double-rape” on top of everything else.

Three adults having a good time. What's wrong with that?

So many things are wrong with this.

For some reason my ex wanted it to happen upstairs in bed, so we went there.

You are aware that most people don’t just fuck wherever they happen to be at the time right?

Me and my ex did some stuff. My ex and Alicia did some stuff and I watched.

How was it?

It was amazing.

Awesome.

I could tell Alicia was into it more than my ex, but it was still great to see two such hot women going at it full lesbian right in front of my eyes.

I don’t think you know what “lesbian” means.

I'm getting a semi thinking about it now. Hope Thames doesn't see lol.

Lulz! Next season: Coast-to-coast mutual-masturbation!

But then Alicia and me started going at it.

Like rabbits.

Like old times. JUST like old times.

Memories…from the corner of my mind…

So intense. So real.

We have no idea, man.

SO RIGHT. My ex was completely ignored now.

Serves that bitch right. She only wishes she had a retarded cousin to take advantage of!

She watched us then got out of bed and crawled under it.

Wait a sec…

I didn't know why at the time. Then she came back out. Alicia and I both shoved her off the bed at the same time.

Yeah. This was your mid-morning cousin-threeway…apparently.

We were as one now, in mind and body. We wanted each other.

We know you wanted each other…seeing as how you were in the process of fucking at the time.

Then I made a mistake. I put my mouth right up to Alicia's ear and I whispered.

Wait for it!

"I want to cum inside you. I want to cum all inside you."

Now Alicia and I are always very careful in bed. We can't risk, well, you know, her getting pregnant.

What with the flipper babies and all.

So for me to say this...I can understand why she was freaked out.

Congrats. Now you know the one thing you don’t say to a family member when your penis is in them. I learned this from my uncle one night.

Stll, she didn't have to pull off me and then lie with her back to me. It was childish.

It was doggy-style!

So I went to the other side to look for my ex. She was sitting on the floor...with a bag of white powder. COACINE?

It takes a special type of man to not notice that the girl he lives with does blow. Congrats.

What else could it have been.

It could’ve been Cocaine.

I couldn't believe this shit. Had it been under the bed the whole time? Had she stolen it from her ex? Had they been addicts together? There was so much I didn't know. Didn't reall care either, I needed to get off so we had sex on the floor while Alicia slept in the bed.

You’re a gentleman AND a scholar.

A few hours later I woke up. They were both asleep in the bed now. I looked at them and made a decision. This was going to be the last time I saw either of them.

“As I was going to kill them both.”

I wrote a note to Alicia. Not one to my ex though. I don't have the history with her.

Um…no?

But Alicia? I owed her something. Here is what I wrote.

Prepare for expertly written awesomeness!

"I think I loved you from the first moment I saw you. Perhaps in hindsight we never should have done anything together.

Naw.

It was always taboo, cousins that we are.

So is your mother. Does that mean you’re going to bone your mother next season?

But I know neither of us could resist. People on TrekBBS said I took advantage of you.

Because up to this point…we all thought she had Asperger's (because you told us). Now we just know that she’s a whore. It’s perfectly acceptable to take advantage of a whore.

Because of your Asperger's. But I don't think that is the case. I dont' even think you have Asperger's.

As we all know, you’re a medical professional.

You're just different. Like me.

They label you because they can't understand you.

Wait…what? Us or the medical community. I think either one (Doctors or nameless fools on a message forum dedicated to Star Trek) are better equipped to make that diagnosis.

You are a sexual being. All the things you have done, with me, with other girls...you were taking advantage of us as much as it being the other way around. We were always equals But now I have to be the bigger man.

“By running away”

We cannot be together. It didn't work the last time.

If only you had EVERYONE telling you such a thing.

We would destroy each other.

Are you neutron stars now?

That is why I'm leaving. I'm taking responsibility at last. I'm being a man. I'm growin up.

Real men say “-ing”.

Goodbye, Alicia. I will always love you."

And Whitney Houston plays and a slow clap fills the studio.

Parrot phrasing of course because i dont have the actual note!

I think you mean “Parakeet Phrasing”

Then I left. I walked home, satisfied, knowing I was finally a man.

It takes a real man to leave two children he supposedly loves (more than love) in the case of a cokehead. I salute you.

and whose van was waiting at my door?

A-Team?

THAMES'S VAN!

Oh happy day!

I skipped inside like a little girl. I was so happy to see him.

Way to be a man.

Forget all the bad things I've said, he's my best friend and always will be.

And Whitney Houston plays and a slow clap fills the studio.

We sat up most of the night telling each other what had happened in our lives. Then, in the morning, I said goodbye to my mom. The only regret is

All the sinful cousin-fucking?

that I didn't get to say goodbye to Chuck and Lisa,

Ah! That’s right…those two kids whose lives you just destroyed because you’re an enormous coward.

but I couldn't go back to my ex's again.

Who would want all that sex and BSG?

I had to put that chapter behind me.

And get ready for an equally confusing chapter in a couple of months.

That is why I'm now travelling America

Here’s an interesting tidbit: In America (that country you’re in), it’s spelled “traveling”. Travelling is a UK thing.

and maybe BEYOND with Thames.

I’m sure we’ll all be eagerly awaiting your next wacky adventure.

I don't know where we'll end up.

Or what hijinks will ensue!

But I am excited.

Sexually excited?

I know I'm ready to face any challenge the world has for me.

By running away from them

I have finally broken the cycle of destruction I was on. No more wrong relationships.

Until May.

Hey, I'm taking the advice of you all at last. I'm being a man from now on.

I think a man would’ve never fucked his cousin and would’ve had a job for more than 2 weeks.

This is MadBaggins.

END COMMUNICATION!

 

[Trekker4747]

Bravo, Squig.

Bravo!

 

[Trekker4747]

You know, I can't decide if this is sit-com, a serious drama, a semi-serious drama, an angsty teen drama or a hyper-realistic premium cable drama.

 

[DanTheGrey]

Honestly after this week's episode I don't know if there was some sort of tender/epiphany moment, or if I should just be left feeling quite disturbed...

 

[sidious618]

All it needed was BSG's All Along the Watchtower sequence.

 

[Jono]

Finally, after asking for a threesome with the elderly girlfriend and cousin since day one we finally get it in the season finale. I must admit I thought MB was going to ignore the fans and not do it.

Is it too early to start speculation for the next season? I'm going for eventually acceptance of MB's bisexual feelings with a growing sexual relationship with Thames and possibly more threesomes and orgies at truck stops with big hairy truckers. Either Alicia or Natalie will get pregnant (or both) and MB will return to town and find out. MB and Thames will pick up a female hitch-hiker and given no woman can resist MB, he will bang her and Thames will join in because the fan now expect sex to involve more then two people or the ratings will drop.

 

[Australis]

To Americaaaa.... aaaaand.... BEYOOOOONNNDDD!!

Ohhh, damn, best season finale ever! Made up for some o the angst. But only some of it.

Next time...

I first met Thames not long after my girlfriend and I split up. I had just gotten over a broken leg that I won’t bother to talk about, except that it had something to do with the miserably weary split-up and my feeling that everything was dead. With the coming of Thames began the part of my life you could call my life on the road. Before that I’d dreamed of going West to see the country, always vaguely planning and never taking off. Thames is the perfect guy for the road because h was actually born on the road

On The Road, by MadBaggins

 

[Sledder]

Excellent, I almost gave up on this season but I'm glad I didn't, it was worth the trip!

 

[Squiggy]

Finally, after asking for a threesome with the elderly girlfriend and cousin since day one we finally get it in the season finale. I must admit I thought MB was going to ignore the fans and not do it.

Is it too early to start speculation for the next season? I'm going for eventually acceptance of MB's bisexual feelings with a growing sexual relationship with Thames and possibly more threesomes and orgies at truck stops with big hairy truckers. Either Alicia or Natalie will get pregnant (or both) and MB will return to town and find out. MB and Thames will pick up a female hitch-hiker and given no woman can resist MB, he will bang her and Thames will join in because the fan now expect sex to involve more then two people or the ratings will drop.

Spoiler alert man! Damn. Have you no decency?

(all that will happen)

 

[FrontLine]

Bravo. I can see that the ground work has already been laid for the next season. Great job!

 

[Squiggy]

The more I think about it...the more I think that we're not going to get a next season. Reading over everything again...I couldn't help but think of this...

Well, to be more accurate...

Our valiant prince is going off into the sunset. The original storyline (cousin) is done. It would be like Kirk without his Enterprise.

 

[Guartho]

Kirk without his Enterprise? You mean Star Trek IV, the biggest grossing Trek film (or close enough)? That Kirk without his Enterprise?

Oh yeah... The best is yet to come baby.

 

[Space Cowboy]

Satisfactory ending to a disappointing season. It looks like the next season will be 'MadBaggins: The Wherever I May Roam Season'.

I wonder if MB mentioning TrekBBS to Alicia will lead to a spinoff series revolving around her and whatever she drops into?

 

[Ward Fowler]

I guess I'm the only one who thought the ending sucked. I thought it was trite and predictable. If there is a next season, I doubt I'll tune in.

 

[kimc]

It looks like next season will be a road show. Good finale even without the stone cold stunner.

 

[Mallory]

Gas stations, rest areas, scenic wonders and the magic of wondering whether or not MB is coming for your womenfolk. Yep, this is a good setup for the next season. We'll have to get one of those maps and stick pins in it to follow his wacky adventures.

 

[kimc]

Gas stations, rest areas, scenic wonders and the magic of wondering whether or not MB is coming for your womenfolk. Yep, this is a good setup for the next season. We'll have to get one of those maps and stick pins in it to follow his wacky adventures.

I wonder if we should do a sticky thread with a link to a web page showing the route. We can have different-colored pins on the map depending on what happens at each stop:

Red = Sex at gas station
Blue = Stone cold stunner given/received here

etc...

 

[Nobody]

I guess I'm the only one who thought the ending sucked. I thought it was trite and predictable. If there is a next season, I doubt I'll tune in.

That's MB though, that's why it was such a great ending. All the triteness and predictability we could ever want.

I'm happy.



-nobody