I'm back but still not mentally well!

[Jayson]

I guess i was never known for my mental stability but at it;s all time worst. I have a question. What are hullicinations supose to feel and be like, because I think I am having them or maybe it's something just like it.

Everyone knows the Jaycee Dugard thing bothered me and frankly it hasn't gone away. I'm starting to have I guess you could call them "visions" of her. She shows up and says things to me to remind me to never stop feeling bad, because I deserve to suffer. I know it's me talking to me, through a vision of her but I keep doing it. Everytime I start to feel better she shows and sometimes it just a quick moment as if she is watching me. It's not just her though but the Garrdo guy and jaycee;s mom will show up in tears.

It feels like my normal OCD thoughts, elivated to a degree. Sometimes I get headaches when it happens but I don't realy know how describe it. Has anyone ever had anything like this happen to you?

Jason

 

[Shatmandu]

Please talk to a professional mental health worker asap.

It's not good that you see these things, and there are ways the medical folks can help you. It's not a reflection on you as a person, it just is what it is.

You've got an illness, and it needs treated.

Joe, urging you

 

[thestrangequark]

I've had hallucinations before, but always related to drugs and/or insomnia. There are may causes for hallucinations -- fever, drugs (including prescription!) mental and physical illness, sleep deprivation, etc.; Jason, how do you feel about seeing a doctor?

 

[Jayson]

I've had hallucinations before, but always related to drugs and/or insomnia. There are may causes for hallucinations -- fever, drugs (including prescription!) mental and physical illness, sleep deprivation, etc.; Jason, how do you feel about seeing a doctor?

I do see a doctor to get my ocd medicine but the orginal doctor I most felt comfortable with, years ago moved away several years ago. So I mostly have just said I am fine to the new docotrs to get my med's. Well that and the fact that I have been fine for the most part. I mean I would still have terrible OCd thoughts that would be anything from violent or sexual. I have what is called Pure O OCd. Intrusive thoughts but this time it has been different. I think it has to do with just how out of the ordinary the Jaycee Dugard thing is. There is evil stuff and bad stuff but sometimes you see something that seems even worst than you usually read in the paper.

I'm just glad that I can still pretend to be normal in front of people. That proably hasn't helped but I don't like it when people see me in pain. Proably a good thing that head jaycee I guess you could call her doesn't want me dead. Everytime I think of killing myself, I get reminded that me being dead is a bad thing because I can't be around to suffer. It's still scary though because my OCd has never been like this and I have done small things like pinch myself or scratch myself when she tells me to do it.

Jason

 

[thestrangequark]

Jason, I think it is very important that you talk to your psychiatrist about all of this. I also understand what it is like to have an idiot for a psychiatrist or just someone whom you don't particularly trust or with whom you don't feel particularly comfortable (I went through 4 before I found anyone I thought was smart enough and respectful enough to treat me). It may be worthwhile to find another psychiatrist, because therapy is a two-way street and if you are incapable of being honest and trusting with your shrink there is nothing he can do for you, no matter his skill or intentions. You need to find some one with whom you can be honest.

Talk to your psychiatrist right away, and then think about finding some one new.

 

[Jayson]

Jason, I think it is very important that you talk to your psychiatrist about all of this. I also understand what it is like to have an idiot for a psychiatrist or just someone whom you don't particularly trust or with whom you don't feel particularly comfortable (I went through 4 before I found anyone I thought was smart enough and respectful enough to treat me). It may be worthwhile to find another psychiatrist, because therapy is a two-way street and if you are incapable of being honest and trusting with your shrink there is nothing he can do for you, no matter his skill or intentions. You need to find some one with whom you can be honest.

Talk to your psychiatrist right away, and then think about finding some one new.

I think I do feel comfortable around my new one I got. It helps that she is a female. I have always felt more at ease around females. Proably because, everyone in my family is basically a female. I plan to talk to her Tuesday. I don't even think the mental helath building will be open on Monday. I just wish I knew how to describe what I am seeing. Not hallucinations in the traditional sense because I still feel a certain amount of control over what they say but not when they show up. I mean I know there my thoughts but then they don't feel like my thoughts. It's hard to describe.

Jason

 

[Shatmandu]

Sounds like a tough thing to deal with, Jason. Hang in there.

Best thing to do is be completely open and honest with her. The truth can't hurt you, but a hallucination can. Keep us updated.

Joe, here

 

[Nerdius Maximus]

Yeah, OCD sucks. I used to take Luvox, but that severely crippled my sex life, so I switched to prozac and that's worked well for me these past ten years or so.

 

[Thespeckledkiwi]

Please talk to a professional mental health worker asap.

It's not good that you see these things, and there are ways the medical folks can help you. It's not a reflection on you as a person, it just is what it is.

You've got an illness, and it needs treated.

Joe, urging you

Agreed.

Blech. A lot of people don't want to admit that mental health is an illness that can only be treated and not cured. It annoys me to death.

 

[The Boy Who Cried Worf]

Damn you guys! I was all set to make a joke about Jason's sex life and you all had to go and be sympathetic and helpful so now I have to be too.

I wouldn't worry too much about thinking you have a serious illness Jayson. Real psychotic disorders usually appear in people much younger than you are. And when people develop them they usually aren't aware they have a problem. The fact that you are worried about it is actually a good sign. It is not uncommon for people with OCD to have certain hallucinations or delusions. But yes my advice is going to be the same as everyone else's. See your family doctor, go to a local clinic, or go to your county mental health department, and see someone who can diagnose your problems and prescribe medication for you. It probably wouldn't hurt to talk about some of your issues with someone as well. good luck and stay in touch with us.

 

[Australis]

The short version.

JASON. DOCTOR. NOW.

The long version:

Mate, if you're going to a doctor for your meds and just bluffing your way through it, the chances are the meds aren't quite right. You're really going to have to open up to someone. Here's a possible suggestuion - find out where your old doctor is, phone him, ask his advice or even if you can see him wherever he is. It may take some serious effiort on your part... but you've got to get well.

And just to be really clear (type this out, print it, pin it to the wall):

Jaycee Dugard really isn't on your house. She isn't there. Good people are taking care of her. Find good people to take care of you.

Be well.

 

[ShamelessMcBundy]

I would suggest you not come back until you seek some serious help with all your problems.

 

[RJDiogenes]

Jayson, what everybody here is telling you is absolutely correct (except for the not coming back part-- you should definitely come here whenever you need to talk). You have a problem that requires a doctor's help to fix. Go talk to your counselor as soon as possible and be completely honest with her.

What you're going through right now is some variation of "Survivor Guilt." You don't feel like you should be happy while anybody else in the world is suffering. We all have feelings like that-- at least anybody with any measure of Human empathy does. It's one of the symptoms of being a good person. But your OCD is intensifying those feelings to the point where they are crippling you.

There is always going to be suffering and injustice in the world, at least as long as any of us here are alive. You need to understand that you are just as deserving of happiness as Jaycee or anybody else (more deserving than many, in fact). You need to get your head straight so you can put your empathy and compassion to use helping others instead of hurting yourself.

 

[Jayson]

What makes things even worse for me is there is part of me that enjoys feeling pain and suffering. I am always worried about loosing my empathy and going evil. SOme of my OCd thoughts are pretty horrific,as anyone with OCD,proably knows about just how horrific these kind of thoughts can be. At least if I am suffering or feeling bad I know I still have my ethics because a bad person just wouldn't care. Granted this doesn't always work out because sometimes bad people do care and have remorse which means I never really trust my views. I always asume I am lying to myself or I am in deinal and whenver I think of myself as a good person, it's actually me lying to myself. Granted this is how OCD works but then I wonder if I have OCD and not something else and the OCD is something else I am lying about to myself as a means of being in a state of denial over my ethics. The fact that I have never done anything that would be considered evil, always seem irrelvant. It's all about the emtions and thoughts you feel and not your actions. Which is ironic because I judge other people, just the oposite. I judge them on their actions and not their thoughts. Well that is, if I am judging someone. I don't really like to do that, unless it's someone who is really awful like the Garrdio guy.

Jason

 

[propita]

Do you really enjoy feeling the pain or is it that you've felt it for so long that it's your "normal" state--so not feeling pain throws you off? Think on that to ease up on yourself.

I had problems for years--zero retention of self-confidence regardless of any achievement. I was finally told to see a shrink. Because I was totally honest in answering his questions, he was able to provide a diagnosis and the meds are helping. He said that if I multiplied my self-confidence by 1000, I'd still have less than zero. The extreme stress of the Bar exam caused problems, but with that done (hopefully--results are in November), I can tell that things are improving.

I've read enough of your posts to know that you can keep going and you have the support of a lot of people here.

Hang in there! We're all behind you.

 

[Jayson]

Thanks for the support. It helps when I can talk about this. I feel like I have no control over her. Sometimes she will tell me to hit myself in the face and I do it. If I don't do it, then I get punished with negative images.Sometimes I even become her. I don't know what multiple personalities are like but for me it's sort of the feeling of suppressing my personality and allowing a new one take over.

Jason

 

[Commander Rabbit]

I just wish I knew how to describe what I am seeing. Not hallucinations in the traditional sense because I still feel a certain amount of control over what they say but not when they show up. I mean I know there my thoughts but then they don't feel like my thoughts. It's hard to describe.

Actually, I think you're doing a pretty good job here. You might want to print out your posts and show them to the doctor as a way of starting the conversation. (Yes, I have experience having uncomfortable conversations w/ psychiatrists.)

 

[thestrangequark]

^I think that is a brilliant idea.

Thanks for the support. It helps when I can talk about this. I feel like I have no control over her. Sometimes she will tell me to hit myself in the face and I do it. If I don't do it, then I get punished with negative images.Sometimes I even become her. I don't know what multiple personalities are like but for me it's sort of the feeling of suppressing my personality and allowing a new one take over.

Jason

It doesn't sound like MPD to me, Jason. Of course I could never say for sure, but my mother had MPD, and from what you're describing your experiences don't fit.

 

[The Grim Ghost]

Jayson, I have felt what you describe. It is Hell.

This isn't something you can fix yourself. This isn't something that is your fault.

Like everyone else says, get help!

There are ways you can feel better, things don't need to be like this.

But you can't do it alone.

 

[Jayson]

^^^

I know but I am also scarred they are going to lock me up in a mental hospital when I tell them what I am going through. It's telling that Jaycee is being alot kinder and trying to talk me out of going. I know that is my fear talking but she makes good points. Things like how it's not bad that she is there because she knows me better than anyone else,due to the fact that she is in essence apart of me. Also I feel nervous when she isn't around. I forgot how lonely OCD can feel when your by yourself and nobody else around you, knows what your going through.

Jason