I thought I was going mad...

[Trekker4747]

Please bear with me as this is likely to fairly long.

I had a very bizarre experience while at work today and I was trying to comprehend it or end it, throughout the day it got less severe as they day went on and right now I'm fine.

What was it?

My brain was fighting with itself.

I'm not exactly sure how to explain this so that it makes any kind of sense but it felt like there was the part of the brain that was "me" the part I had control over and knew about it's surroundings and what was happening. The "Other" me seemed to be.... Well..... It seemed to be subconscious.

This wasn't like people with actual schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder where I was hearing dogs telling me to kill this Other me seemed to more impressed with what was going on, like it had never seen these things before, these people before, and had a sense of wonder.

This sounds crazy, I know, but these weren't thought "I" was having, with "my" mind I fought to suppress this sensation. The Other me felt like... Well it felt like it was something else placed in this meat-body and had no control over it, it was just an observer looking out a window and trying to understand.

I was able to do everything normally and act normally but still had these thoughts from Other and tried to suppress it.

I was *not* consciously thinking these things, it literally seemed like they were coming from the ether.

As the day went on Other stopped trying to understand and analyze and I no longer had this feeling of being in a meat-body that was doing things. Through this I was physically experiencing a headache and had occasional bouts of dizziness, there were times where I had to stop and press hard with my mind to get my head straight. Like closed eyes, fists, clenching pushing into this.

So later when things were calming down Other seemed to be throwing out phrases and terms that...

Well they felt like the kind of subconscious thoughts you have when interacting with the world and don't know. How your brain is "thinking" in background apps or something. These thoughts would come to me and it'd be simple phrases like "He doesn't like you," "You're doing that wrong." "You're going to have to do that again."

Phrases along those lines with stresses on certain words, and the phrases weren't relevant to what was going on around me. They were coming to me and I had the feeling like I have *always* thought these things but I somehow didn't know it. I kept thinking that these things weren't things I've actually thought but Other kept giving me the feeling that I *have* though it couldn't bring up any actual case where I had thought it.

It really felt like a background application was running and somehow I opened the window to it and whatever was in it was stuff I don't remember ever happening but the info on the app said it *had.*

I have no idea if any of that makes sense, but it was a bizarre, frightening, experience and I almost took a personal day and went home thinking if I took some Xanax and went to sleep things would correct itself.

Right now I feel fine and normal, not internally fighting with "myself" and I can't even remember the specific phrases on how the inflections on them went from earlier.

But I was very scared during all of this because I really did feel like I was going mad, even though I was able to operate normally, if was talking to someone nothing was going on up there but the moment I stopped talking it resumed.

Another part of it was trying to even understand the concept of thinking to yourself. Are these words reallty mine, am I really thinking them or do I think I'm thinking them? How were they forming? Were they text I was reading? Was I "hearing" them. I mean there's no actual sound but the word is somehow "there" and felt like I had heard it.

I know I sound nuts, but this all happened to me. I swear on my grave, my life, and anything else. This is not fiction. Some part of my subconscious was "awake" for a good part of the day and had more awareness than it normally does. Like I had gone to bed, slept, had dreams, and when I woke up that part that makes dreams was still going and now it was trying to comprehend what was going on.

If you read all of this, thanks. I don't know what I'm asking for, why I'm doing this; but I had to express it in some manner to get it out. Not asking for any kind of "medical" help neither physically or psychologically, this is something I may have to bring up with my doctor. Just wanted to get it out and ask if anything has ever experienced something like this.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

Sounds like depersonalization/derealization. It's a thing.

 

[Trekker4747]

Reading through the Wikipedia pages on these things very much feels like what this experience/episode was. Have to do further reading on these things to be "sure" that's what it is. (And obviously make no medical confirmation of it until I see a doctor.)

 

[sojourner]

Did you smell burning hair? If you smelled burning hair it's definitely a stroke.

 

[Trekker4747]

No unusual sights, sounds, feelings or smells beyond this "detachment" feeling.

 

[Silvercrest]

Jeez, I go through something like this! I either have the "dolly zoom" effect described by Wikipedia (usually when I'm bombarded with a lot of input at once), or a sensation that I describe as "someone else dreaming they're being me". The "dolly zoom" is more common these days.

I never ran across any of these terms before and need to read more about them now. I never seriously looked into it because for me it's only an annoyance. Only happens a few times a year and usually lasts less than a minute. If I wait, it goes away on its own. (It was scarier when I was a teenager, though.)

Sounds like yours is a lot more severe. By all means get it checked out!

 

[Trekker4747]

At one point I was so out of it I had to sit down and start looking things up on my phone but couldn't think of the terms to use in order to get helpful results. I mostly got links to either a "Fight or Flight" experience or Metaphysical out of body experiences.

I never did have any visual, audio or other experiences beyond what was really going on. The depersonalization experience feels very much like it. I felt like I was just "in some creature" and things were happening, but at the same time I was able to interact normally with my coworkers and do my job. It just felt as if I were in some meat puppet like something out of Star Trek where an alien inhabits a crewman's body and they afterwards explain their experiences.

But "I" and "Other" were battling. I could suppress him if I tried but he'd eventually wrestle control. Like two kids wanting to play a new video game with one controller only it wasn't by movements it was my thoughts. Other was going "Come on! It's my turn!"

I couldn't fully grasp or understand what was happening. I kept think to myself, am *I* thinking these things and my imagination is getting away with things or is some other part of my brain doing this. I kept wondering I was daydreaming or something and it was just getting out control. I thought I was thinking these things when I was just consciously doing it myself. But then Other would say. "You're not doing these things! Because thinking you're thinking them means you're not thinking them."

The "internal monologue" thing was just way out there. Because I would remember thinking these internal criticisms, observations, even if I couldn't think of a specific incident. One of them was "When are we going to get home?!" like I was child being drug to some errand and I wanted it to end, but I couldn't think of any specific example of me actually "saying this" in my mind and just having the feelings of wanting to go home and not "saying" anything to myself. But I knew they happened!

And they were completely tangential, had nothing to do with what was going on around me in the real world, I was just thinking about these thoughts. I'd also think of one of these thoughts which eventually led me into thinking of another or trying to remember one.

This all likely reads like complete nonsense but it's hard to really describe it. Somehow I was just having thoughts and internal experiences that were not my own. I wasn't thinking these things but somehow I was.

 

[Silvercrest]

I can't claim I recognize most of that, but it sounds intuitively like a similar / related experience to mine — ramped up to 11. As if the person who's "dreaming they're being you" is doing more than just dreaming.

I used to go through this awful feeling of despair where the "dreamer" was waiting to wake up to the "real world" and had to deal with the fact that this world is it. Doesn't happen anymore. I'm either balanced enough that it doesn't affect me, or I'm unbalanced enough.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

Glad to have pointed you guys in the right direction!

 

[Asbo Zaprudder]

Explainable by the Society of Mind theory perhaps, where normally unconscious neuronal circuits become consciously aware at the same time as others? We have two cerebral hemispheres so perhaps one circuit could become independently active in each?
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Society_of_Mind
To me, when I experienced strange mental states, it felt either like there was more than one consciousness trying to control one body or that one had suddenly been dropped into the (metaphorical) driving seat of an unfamiliar car.

 

[Trekker4747]

That's pretty much what this felt like. It's hard to understand without people thinking you were just thinking these things out on your own. But it really felt like there was another personality in me talking.

 

[Gary7]

I would have been scared as well. What a very bizarre and unnerving experience!

My first thought would be, are you OK physically? Have you been sick or feel like you're coming down with something? Next, psychologically speaking, are you under any duress? Tough time at work, with high stress? Relationship problem that's deeply disturbing you? Have you been getting enough sleep? Did you recently take any mind altering drugs? (seriously)

If all of that turned up negative, it may be you have been dealing with some stress but not consciously aware of it. Or... some very peculiar physiological anomaly occurred in your brain that temporarily caused certain subconscious neural pathways to activate, competing with conscious thought.

It may be absolutely nothing to worry about. Something akin to the condition of deja-vu -- something peculiar and difficult to explain, but goes away with no harmful effects. Best not to stress over it, but if I were you I'd keep note of this. Write down everything you experienced (copy/paste what you wrote here into a text file for future use). See if it happens again.

 

[Jayson1]

That's pretty much what this felt like. It's hard to understand without people thinking you were just thinking these things out on your own. But it really felt like there was another personality in me talking.

I think I must have had something like this myself years ago. I started having what I best can describe as a imaginary friend, who was this girl I would talk to yet at the same time I knew it was me, so it wasn't really a hallucination. I would actually carry on conversations with her and it got to a point where I even felt like I was becoming her and like I could almost see her even if I knew nobody was their. This is how I almost killed myself which I think I mentioned before, where I was trying to will myself into driving my truck into a lake while I was still doing a bulk delivery for the local newspaper.
Do you suffer from depression or do you feel very isolated, where you don't feel like your around alot of people? I think that was part of my problem with another being OCD, which don't be fooled. OCD is more than just hand washing and little quirks. It can effect the way you think and can create intrusive thoughts which can be either unusual or violent though people with OCD never act on them.
Also do you tend to think alot about things and have a very active brain were you are constantly analazing things to a point were it can even be unhealthy? That's always been a problem with me. My brain never knows when to shut up, which I think might have to do with the fact that I don't get out much and I spend most of my time alone. Some might even call it stir crazy though i'm not sure I am familiar with what is.

Jason

 

[Velocity]

Once in a while in high school the room would suddenly seem brighter and louder as if reality had come forward and pushed aside the world I was used to living in. High school was pretty stressful from time to time so that is probably what caused this because it mostly happened in math classes. Plus I didn't eat much back then. Having your reality concept challenged is creepy.

 

[Jayson1]

Once in a while in high school the room would suddenly seem brighter and louder as if reality had come forward and pushed aside the world I was used to living in. High school was pretty stressful from time to time so that is probably what caused this because it mostly happened in math classes. Plus I didn't eat much back then. Having your reality concept challenged is creepy.

Was it a moment of clarity? I think everyone has that from time to time. A moment were you really, really, realize how amazing it is to be alive.

Jason

 

[Gary7]

Speaking of inexplicable mental experiences... I had one kind as a small boy. It happened a number of times, somewhere between 5 and 9. I can't remember precisely, but I think perhaps a handful of times in a year. It would happen at night, when I'd go to bed.

I'd be lying there in bed and then suddenly I would have a kind of tunnel vision. Somewhat like looking through binoculars in reverse (though not quite as extreme). It would freak me out. I'd close my eyes, and the images in my mind would be doing the same thing. In a panic, I'd call out to my father. And he'd show up in a few moments. He'd ask me what was wrong, and the only thing I could articulate was "I'm seeing far away." He never quite understood what I meant. If I sat up and focused on him, it would leave me momentarily, but if I laid back down it would start up once more. I'd look at him and his head would appear small... far away. He tried his best to calm me down. Eventually I'd try to go back to sleep... But again, I'd see imagery in my mind looking further away than normal. And in some ways, I'd almost feel "small". Like my mind was shrinking to a molecular level. At times, I would stand up and get out of bed... and the effect would diminish or go away, but then return when I'd get back into bed. Somehow I'd finally fall asleep, then wake up the next morning feeling perfectly fine. I don't recall it happening more than one night at a time, maybe 2 nights in a row as an exception.

Sometime later on, around age 8 or 9, these "tunnel vision" moments disappeared. Only once in a great while, if I was extremely tired, would I kind of get that "tunnel vision" feeling, maybe even see it happen for a brief moment, but then it would vanish. Never ever sustained like I experienced in childhood.

I found one posting on-line that noted a similar experience from ages 9 to 12. He called it "telescopic vision", like looking through a telescope in reverse. Strange-Whispers-And-Tunnel-Vision

 

[Jayson1]

Speaking of inexplicable mental experiences... I had one kind as a small boy. It happened a number of times, somewhere between 5 and 9. I can't remember precisely, but I think perhaps a handful of times in a year. It would happen at night, when I'd go to bed.

I'd be lying there in bed and then suddenly I would have a kind of tunnel vision. Somewhat like looking through binoculars in reverse (though not quite as extreme). It would freak me out. I'd close my eyes, and the images in my mind would be doing the same thing. In a panic, I'd call out to my father. And he'd show up in a few moments. He'd ask me what was wrong, and the only thing I could articulate was "I'm seeing far away." He never quite understood what I meant. If I sat up and focused on him, it would leave me momentarily, but if I laid back down it would start up once more. I'd look at him and his head would appear small... far away. He tried his best to calm me down. Eventually I'd try to go back to sleep... But again, I'd see imagery in my mind looking further away than normal. And in some ways, I'd almost feel "small". Like my mind was shrinking to a molecular level. At times, I would stand up and get out of bed... and the effect would diminish or go away, but then return when I'd get back into bed. Somehow I'd finally fall asleep, then wake up the next morning feeling perfectly fine. I don't recall it happening more than one night at a time, maybe 2 nights in a row as an exception.

Sometime later on, around age 8 or 9, these "tunnel vision" moments disappeared. Only once in a great while, if I was extremely tired, would I kind of get that "tunnel vision" feeling, maybe even see it happen for a brief moment, but then it would vanish. Never ever sustained like I experienced in childhood.

I found one posting on-line that noted a similar experience from ages 9 to 12. He called it "telescopic vision", like looking through a telescope in reverse. Strange-Whispers-And-Tunnel-Vision

I never heard of that before. I think we might have had those moments were it looks like the walls might be moving but they aren't but that doesn't sound the same.
Also has anyone had in the those moments before being awake and sleep where you see something and it scares you to being fully awake? I once was sleeping on the floor at my dad's house who I was visiting as a kid and I swear I thought I could see a demon. I once also thought I saw someone looking into my bedroom when I was a kid and I know I screamed. What I also found disturbing is I once had a dream that I was in hell and I was raped and when it happened I could literally feel presure in my butt area.
As bad as those things are I still think the "love" dreams are worst. It's were your in love with someone inside your dream and when you wake up it's like the worst feeling ever because you know it wasn't real.

Jason

 

[Gary7]

I never heard of that before. I think we might have had those moments were it looks like the walls might be moving but they aren't but that doesn't sound the same.
Also has anyone had in the those moments before being awake and sleep where you see something and it scares you to being fully awake? I once was sleeping on the floor at my dad's house who I was visiting as a kid and I swear I thought I could see a demon. I once also thought I saw someone looking into my bedroom when I was a kid and I know I screamed. What I also found disturbing is I once had a dream that I was in hell and I was raped and when it happened I could literally feel presure in my butt area.
As bad as those things are I still think the "love" dreams are worst. It's were your in love with someone inside your dream and when you wake up it's like the worst feeling ever because you know it wasn't real.
Jason

The only time I thought I saw walls moving was when I was on mushrooms. I did some in college a few times, but that was it. Yikes... virtual rape. I hope it's not a sign of something deeply repressed.

I do remember two "in love" dreams similar to what you said. One was with Athena from the original Battlestar Galactica. I was on board the Galactica as a pilot and since Starbuck kept trying for Cassiopeia, Athena was free. In the dream, we'd already knew each other and had mutual attraction, but then it was finally realized. We had an alone moment. She was so genuine and expressive. She confessed how she'd been so worried when I went on patrol, that I might not make it back. Her eyes welled up with tears. And I told her how no woman ever captured my heart like she had. That my will to come back and see her was so great, I'd find a way to survive. And then she leaned in to kiss me. "Nights in White Satin" by the Moody Blues was playing. The orchestral instrumental part. The harps and the bassoon playing on as I gazed into her eyes, making my heart well up inside. I had so much love for her that I wanted to propose right then and there. And suddenly... I awoke. I was alone in my bed. My Sony Walkman was on my night table. I was listening to that Moody Blues song the night before. I put on the headphones and went back to the beginning of the song, played it... The emotions I felt in the dream were still raw, in the moment... and the song helped keep it there. In my mind, I replayed the dream. How I wished I could go back. Athena... I've lost you.

 

[Jax]

I've had something similar-ish happened to me several times over the last decade, where I awoke suddenly and it felt like my brain was literally working against itself. I couldn't control what I was thinking and my brain kept thinking of 4 or 5 things over and over again on repeat (I don't know how else to word it). Part of me was aware what was going on but I couldn't stop it and it was extremely unnerving and felt like my brain was having a conversation with itself without me. I tried to focus my thoughts but it wasn't helping so I turned on the TV and tried to carefully follow the audio and eventually it worked and I regained the full use of my thoughts. Another time I had to put my headset on and listen to music to over come the issue.

It has only happened several times in my life and the first episode was around 10 years ago and the gap in-between incidents was either months or years and infact, its been a few years since it last happened. I put it down to something to do with suddenly waking up and maybe part of my brain was still asleep? I know while you sleep your brain is busy processing all the data of what happened to you that day or something like that so did I basically experience a waking version of that?

Not having full control of your mental facilities, even for just a few minutes is dam scary.

 

[Awesome Possum]

I used to get something similar. It was like being on autopilot. I'd be aware of my actions, but it was like I was just watching them from inside my head. But I was deep into depression around then, I figure it was related to that.

I also have anxiety, dysphoria and seem to have symptoms of Childhood Emotional Neglect. It's all probably tied together.