I think my girlfriend is a Christian! Advice needed.

[cooleddie74]

I started playing air guitar right there in the airport, I was so excited. I didn't care who was looking at me. I was free! I rocked the fuck out.

There.

Much better.

You're welcome.

 

[DonIago]

Worst. Reset button. Ever.

 

[cooleddie74]

That chapter sucked. And I don't mean average, everyday, run of the mill suck. I mean "Auric Goldfinger getting pulled out the broken window of a private jet traveling at maximum velocity at 30,000 feet" suck.

I am so disillusioned right now.

Bet you didn't expect me to be posting today!

Oh, yes I did.

 

[JayOwl]

It's good to see that nameless girl escaped from the biggest dickhead in existence, but your character still has his insufferable self righteous ego, and I must say, I thought it'd be more entertaining.

So much potential...

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

That chapter sucked. And I don't mean average, everyday, run of the mill suck. I mean "Auric Goldfinger getting pulled out the broken window of a private jet traveling at maximum velocity at 30,000 feet" suck.

You're so shallow cooleddie. How can you not appreciate this kind of comedy gold:

It wasn't because I was worried that I'd be eaten then raped

 

[cooleddie74]

Oh I made note of that diamond in the rough. Actually it was one of the only things I sort of laughed at.

Overall, 1.25 out of 5 stars. Points for the air guitar in the airport and thinking that scary Third World folk were going to eat you and play pinochle with your poopchute. Thumbs down, though. Way down. It was missing that certain je-ne-se-quois. Needed more cowbell.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

You're just a drama junkie. All the flouncing and declarations of celibacy have spoiled you.

 

[cooleddie74]

It's true, you know. (*sniff*)

 

[Trekker4747]

Bet you didn't expect me to be posting today! No, I'm not on the asian version of the internet. I didn't leave the country after all. But I did leave someone: HER! And it felt good. Here's what happened.

It all started early in the morning when I went round to my girlfriend's ready to set off. She was having an emotional goodbye with her family. She should have done it before I got there, it was kind of embarrassing having to stand there watching it. I was starting to get worried that we'd miss our flight when finally she stopped hugging and crying and was ready to go.

She didn't say much on the journey to the airport. She looked really nervous, and a few times she turned to me like she had something to say but couldn't quite get it out. I told her not to worry, it would be perfectly safe and we'd be closer than ever once we get there. She nearly started crying. But I could tell she felt safer having me with her.

We checked in at the airport then sat down to wait with some other people from the church. This was when things started to go bad. There was a guy there with a beard who my girlfriend has known for years. She went and talked to him privately for a few minutes and I saw her looking over at me several times. I wondered what was going on. I guess she was just telling him how important it was to her that I was going too. Then he came back over. He asked how I was feeling about the trip. I said I felt great! He asked if I was not worried about the danger. I laughed and said it was obviously exaggerated. He looked serious, underneath his beard, and told me that wasn't the case. He said some pretty fucked up shit (he actually used those words!) has happened over there. He told me of a guy he knew who went over there and working with sick children. One day he was smiling and laughing with the children, when a car drove by and shot him in the neck for no reason. I felt nervous about the trip for the first time. Maybe if there had been a reason for the shooting it wouldn't have been bad. If he'd done something wrong to the children it would be something I could avoid doing. But for no reason? That didn't sit right.

Beard man continuined telling me horror stories. He told me one time how a whole group of four or five aids workers were all shot in the legs (I don't know why it was in the legs) by a farmer for standing too close to his farm. This worried me. I'd thought there would be safety in numbers. It was like the stories were designed to terrify me, almost. Still, I appreciated him being honest with me. I looked at my girlfriend and she said "it's worth it to help people, isn't it? I know that's why you're going." I nodded, but my insides were churning with doubt.

These thoughts went through my head as we walked to the plane. Was it worth going to such a dangerous place or was it madness? Was the help we could do really worth being shot in the legs or worse the neck? I started thinking about how I've done a lot of good charity work in my home town over the years. And I looked at my precious, fragile girlfriend and wondered if she knew what she was getting herself into. I wondered if it was her faith in God (I know she says she doesn't care one way or another, but there's always been the suspicion that she's a secret believer) was compelling her to take this crazy risk. For myself it had been LOVE that had spurred me on, but now I was finally thinking about it in a cold, rational way (like Richard Dawkings would) at last and I had concerns.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a coward. It wasn't just my personal saftey, it was the risk factor. Taking stupid risks for little reward is not smart. Sure if the risks had just been a broken arm or something, it would be worth helping people. But I had to weigh things up. I'd tried to talk my girlfriend out of the trip before, remember, and suddenly I felt I had to try one more time. I was thinking of her safety as much as my own.

As we sat down on the plane, I confronted her. I asked her if she'd really thought this through. To her credit, she remained clam. She's such a little trooper. She said she'd been sure she wanted to do this for a long time. I turned to beard man (he was sitting behind us) and asked him if more things had happened than just shootings, like cannibalism and rape. He confirmed that they have. I turned back to my girlfriend and said "how can you still want to go!" I was getting angry and panicky now. Not for myself, for her. It wasn't because I was worried that I'd be eaten then raped by hungry villagers, but that she would. In fact, I think I was having a full on panic attack. I've had them before, but never this bad. I felt I was having a suffocating heart attack. I had to get off that plane, my brain thought!

She asked if I was okay and said it wasn't too late for me to change my mind and not go. I felt such relief when she said that. She had seen sense. I felt the panic attack begin to fade almost instantly (but it would have come back if I hadn't got off the plane quick.) I turned to beard man and thanked him for talking sense into her. I said I was so happy that she'd decided not to go and that we could be together and do charity work in town and maybe even open up our own soap kitchen together.

That was when she told me she was still going.

I was stunned. How could she go without me!? We'd be apart! That wasn't what she wanted! I wanted to grab her and drag her off the plane with me. Instead I asked her straight out, once and for all what was more important to her: her relationship with me or helping foreigners who might have guns.

She said the charity work was the most important thing.

I was utterly stunned. I turned to beard man and asked if he could believe this shit. He said if I wanted off the plane I better be quick. This was a good pont. I gave my girlfriend one last chance. I asked her if she was thinking straight, if she really meant it. I said if she loved me she would get off the plane with me right now.

She said she was staying put.

Was she lying to protect me? I didn't know. But I wasn't going to sit around to find out. I stood up and shouted at the stewardess "LET ME OFF THIS PLANE." She told me to calm down. I said "I NEED TO GET OFF". The panic was coming back. I said even if we'd started take off the pilot had to reverse it NOW. She said people were still boarding the plane and if I wanted to leave I could and if I didn't stop shouting they'd kick me off anyway. I thanked her and left. As I walked I realized I hadn't looked back at my girlfriend once. I realized I didn't even want to.

As I walked down the steps I came to the conclusion that I was so much better off without her. Even if she had been lying to protect me, it still proved that she didn't love me. I would NEVER willingly part from her. The only reason I'd got off that plane was because of practical reasons like the seemingly high risk of death and my panic attack. The fact that she hadn't gotten off with me PROVED that she didn't love me properly. That she really did love helping others more. It made me sick. She'd always taken orders from so called "higher powers": God, her father, her bitch friends, the church, charities. She was not an independant person like me.

And, as I walked towards the terminal, I smiled. I knew I'd just had a damn lucky escape. Getting on that plane would have been the biggest mistake of my life. Not just because of the risk in going to that dangerous plane, but also because of her. Spending the rest of my life with her would have been a huge mistake. She wasn't good enough for me. She didn't deserve someone who could think for themself like me. She was beautiful and kind, yes, but also in her own way very ugly (on the inside) and selfish. I felt excitement course through my body as I walked back inside.

I started playing air guitar right there in the airport, I was so excited. I didn't care who was looking at me. I was free! I rocked the fuck out.

I watched the plane take off. I could see my girlfriend looking out the winow, probably regretting letting me walk out of her life, wishing she had got off that plane with me. I gave her the finger. It was only after the plane had flown away that I realized she'd been sitting on the other side of the aisle and the girl I'd been flicking off must have been soemone else. Still, the intent was the same.

I decided I'll make up with Thames. What the Hell! He's not such a bad guy. Maybe I can even stop him sliding down the slipperly slide of drug addiction. I'll even hang out with Mad Dave and Ed-Legs. It's better than being shot in the neck and legs just for helping a child.

And I can't fucking wait to see The Avengers!

Were you taking a flight from 1944? It was a plane you boarded with steps! And with TSA these days they likely would've kicked you off and likely arrested you the moment you stood up and started shouting, I'm also guessing you can't just "get off the plane" when your luggage is already checked.

So, yeah. I'd research how TSA and flying works in "America" before you claim to have arranged to make an international flight within a couple of weeks.

And random gun shots to the neck and back? Where was this mission, South America?

Bah, whatever. With Christian Girl gone off to do mission work with South American drug lords with Joaquin Phoenix I guess we can now see some old, beloved, characters return like your aunt and cousin.

It's fascinating how every moment in your life is a big, life-changing, deal. It's like every day of your life is like a TV show during sweeps that needs a sting at the end to bring the audience back next week.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

And random gun shots to the neck and back? Where was this mission, South America?

Obtuseness is MadBaggins's schtick, you should come up with your own material.

Oh wait..

 

[cooleddie74]

She wasn't good enough for me. She didn't deserve someone who could think for themself like me.

You tell her! Just think, you narrowly avoided having this pretentious, ungrateful woman muck up your well-ordered and ideal life with her selfish charity work, sick obsession with her own destiny and (*snicker*) "caring about poor kids." The nerve of someone like that. The trollop! You dodged a bullet, my friend. Give yourself a pat on the back.

Well, another one anyways.

 

[Saga]

She wasn't good enough for me. She didn't deserve someone who could think for themself like me.

You tell her! Just think, you narrowly avoided having this pretentious, ungrateful woman muck up your well-ordered and ideal life with her selfish charity work, sick obsession with her own destiny and (*snicker*) "caring about poor kids." The nerve of someone like that. The trollop! You dodged a bullet, my friend. Give yourself a pat on the back.

Well, another one anyways.

 

[Lumi]

She wasn't good enough for me. She didn't deserve someone who could think for themself like me.

You tell her! Just think, you narrowly avoided having this pretentious, ungrateful woman muck up your well-ordered and ideal life with her selfish charity work, sick obsession with her own destiny and (*snicker*) "caring about poor kids." The nerve of someone like that. The trollop! You dodged a bullet, my friend. Give yourself a pat on the back.

Well, another one anyways.

^ One of the best posts I've ever seen.

 

[Australis]

Brave Sir Robin ran away
Bravely bravely ran away
When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled,
Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about
And gallantly he chickened out.
Bravely taking to his feet,
He beat a very brave retreat.
Bravest of the braaaave, Sir Robin!

I said "I NEED TO GET OFF".

Well, that's been the problem all along, hasn't it really?

 

[Aldo]

He told me of a guy he knew who went over there and working with sick children. One day he was smiling and laughing with the children, when a car drove by and shot him in the neck for no reason.

Oh so you guys were headed for Detroit.

 

[Squiggy]

Bet you didn't expect me to be posting today!

Whaaa?

No, I'm not on the asian version of the internet.

Also known as "the internet".

I didn't leave the country after all. But I did leave someone: HER! And it felt good. Here's what happened.

I'm on pins and needles.

It all started early in the morning when I went round to my girlfriend's ready to set off.

"Ready to set off"? On a tramp steamer?

She was having an emotional goodbye with her family.

Lame. Get to teh sexk.

She should have done it before I got there,

How dare she. Doesn't she know how selfish that is? How dare she make you wait and experience (or at least witness) emotions.

it was kind of embarrassing having to stand there watching it.

I know, right? People dealing with things in any other way than a panic attack is lame.

I was starting to get worried that we'd miss our flight when finally she stopped hugging and crying and was ready to go.

She didn't say much on the journey to the airport.

Journey? Lewis and Clark was a journey. Marco Polo was a journey. Steve Perry was in Journey. Driving a couple of miles is not a journey.

She looked really nervous, and a few times she turned to me like she had something to say but couldn't quite get it out. I told her not to worry, it would be perfectly safe and we'd be closer than ever once we get there.

Good thing you were just talking out of your ass.

She nearly started crying.

Being in a tight aluminum tube with you for several hours? Yeah...I would be too.

But I could tell she felt safer having me with her.

As we will see later, this is a laughable lie.

We checked in at the airport then sat down to wait with some other people from the church. This was when things started to go bad.

Also see: Post 1.

There was a guy there with a beard who my girlfriend has known for years.

She went and talked to him privately for a few minutes and I saw her looking over at me several times. I wondered what was going on.

"Please God, make him go away."

I guess she was just telling him how important it was to her that I was going too.

Sure. Why not? It's not as if you're totally clueless.

Then he came back over. He asked how I was feeling about the trip. I said I felt great! He asked if I was not worried about the danger.

Are you not worried about...THE DANGER!?!?!

I laughed and said it was obviously exaggerated.

Being the expert on such things.

He looked serious, underneath his beard, and told me that wasn't the case.

Because you are constantly wrong.

He said some pretty fucked up shit (he actually used those words!) has happened over there.

OMG, like a grown up!

He told me of a guy he knew who went over there and working with sick children. One day he was smiling and laughing with the children, when a car drove by and shot him in the neck for no reason.

There was probably a reason. Like thinking Latveria was a real place. That's a shoot-in-the-neckable offense.

I felt nervous about the trip for the first time.

I sense a panic attack!

Maybe if there had been a reason for the shooting it wouldn't have been bad.

Pfft. Sure.

If he'd done something wrong to the children it would be something I could avoid doing. But for no reason? That didn't sit right.

You can't avoid doing anything marginally retarded. If you go you're doomed!

Beard man continuined telling me horror stories. He told me one time how a whole group of four or five aids workers were all shot in the legs (I don't know why it was in the legs) by a farmer for standing too close to his farm.

Fucking A! Awesome!

This worried me.

THIS ANGERS ME.

I'd thought there would be safety in numbers.

Not when only the farmer has a good. The only thing that affords anyone is more targets, unless you think 5 aide workers can successfully rush someone with a gun.

It was like the stories were designed to terrify me, almost.

Hmmm...you're such an astute judge of things.

Still, I appreciated him being honest with me. I looked at my girlfriend and she said "it's worth it to help people, isn't it? I know that's why you're going." I nodded, but my insides were churning with doubt.

Maybe it's just the pickled herring...or whatever people eat where ever you are in NOT AMERICA.

These thoughts went through my head as we walked to the plane.

Helping people is lame and selfish. You need to get out of there, bro!

Was it worth going to such a dangerous place or was it madness?

Not if selflessly helping people is selfish.

Was the help we could do really worth being shot in the legs or worse the neck?

I'd rather be shot in the neck.

I started thinking about how I've done a lot of good charity work in my home town over the years.

None.

And I looked at my precious, fragile girlfriend and wondered if she knew what she was getting herself into.

Hasn't she done this before?

I wondered if it was her faith in God (I know she says she doesn't care one way or another, but there's always been the suspicion that she's a secret believer) was compelling her to take this crazy risk.

That's what faith is.

For myself it had been LOVE that had spurred me on, but now I was finally thinking about it in a cold, rational way (like Richard Dawkings would) at last and I had concerns.

Love...that we will see will be so easily be replaced with cowardice and contempt in 15 minutes.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a coward.

In all your posts you've told us nothing but cowardly things. Why not lie and tell us something brave. It's not like we'd ever know.

It wasn't just my personal saftey, it was the risk factor. Taking stupid risks for little reward is not smart.

Yeah...I mean, how much were you getting paid for all this risk and danger and selflessness?

Sure if the risks had just been a broken arm or something, it would be worth helping people. But I had to weigh things up. I'd tried to talk my girlfriend out of the trip before, remember, and suddenly I felt I had to try one more time. I was thinking of her safety as much as my own.

Yes...always thinking of others...

As we sat down on the plane, I confronted her.

The BEST place to confront someone.

I asked her if she'd really thought this through.

You hadn't, why would she?

To her credit, she remained clam.

Did she jam out with her clam out?

She's such a little trooper.

Why can't you be?

She said she'd been sure she wanted to do this for a long time.

Dedication. Look it up. Her goal in life isn't to get in her own pants.

I turned to beard man (he was sitting behind us)

God will always be behind you...kicking your seat.

and asked him if more things had happened than just shootings, like cannibalism and rape. He confirmed that they have.

He'd confirm alien abductions if it would get you to go away.

I turned back to my girlfriend and said "how can you still want to go!"

To get away from you.

I was getting angry and panicky now. Not for myself, for her.

Because that's a rational response.

It wasn't because I was worried that I'd be eaten then raped by hungry villagers, but that she would.

In fact, I think I was having a full on panic attack.

There it is. It wouldn't be a post of yours if you didn't start convulsing at the slightest sign of anything.

I've had them before, but never this bad. I felt I was having a suffocating heart attack. I had to get off that plane, my brain thought!

Your brain thought? Link?

She asked if I was okay and said it wasn't too late for me to change my mind and not go.

Actually, in the United States WHERE YOU ARE...it is. When you're on the plane, you're on it until either a US Marshall drags your ass off or you land.

I felt such relief when she said that. She had seen sense. I felt the panic attack begin to fade almost instantly (but it would have come back if I hadn't got off the plane quick.)

It would also come back if the bathroom door wouldn't open, it wouldn't close, the flight attendant looked at you funny, the flight attendant looked at you, someone pages the flight attendant, God kicks your seat...

I turned to beard man

and thanked him for talking sense into her. I said I was so happy that she'd decided not to go and that we could be together and do charity work in town and maybe even open up our own soap kitchen together.

dammit.

That was when she told me she was still going.

Being a human being with a working set of senses to perceive the world around him, he saw that. Are you Helen Keller?

I was stunned. How could she go without me!?

She doesn't love you?

We'd be apart!

Which would be find because she doesn't love you and you break down into a quivering mass of uselessness at the slightest sign of hardship. I bet you don't even know where you're going.

That wasn't what she wanted!

Helen Keller is a better observer of the human condition than you are.

I wanted to grab her and drag her off the plane with me. Instead I asked her straight out, once and for all what was more important to her: her relationship with me or helping foreigners who might have guns.

She said the charity work was the most important thing.

Ha ha. You just got dumped for some filthy foreigners. You know who isn't a filthy Foreigner? Lou Gramm. He left the band in 2003.

I was utterly stunned.

The second of your two reactions. "Panicked" and "stunned".

I turned to beard man

and asked if he could believe this shit. He said if I wanted off the plane I better be quick.

Translation "GO THE FUCK AWAY".

This was a good pont. I gave my girlfriend one last chance. I asked her if she was thinking straight, if she really meant it. I said if she loved me she would get off the plane with me right now.

She said she was staying put.

What with her choosing death over you...

Was she lying to protect me?

Sure. Why not?

I didn't know.

We do.

But I wasn't going to sit around to find out. I stood up and shouted at the stewardess "LET ME OFF THIS PLANE." She told me to calm down. I said "I NEED TO GET OFF". The panic was coming back. I said even if we'd started take off the pilot had to reverse it NOW. She said people were still boarding the plane and if I wanted to leave I could and if I didn't stop shouting they'd kick me off anyway. I thanked her and left. As I walked I realized I hadn't looked back at my girlfriend once. I realized I didn't even want to.

As I walked down the steps I came to the conclusion that I was so much better off without her.

BZZT. This doesn't happen.

Even if she had been lying to protect me, it still proved that she didn't love me.

Also proof: her choosing death over you.

I would NEVER willingly part from her.

But...you just did. You let your "love" go into danger without your expert wrestling skills. Now all she has is God in seat 23F.

The only reason I'd got off that plane was because of practical reasons like the seemingly high risk of death and my panic attack.

And cowardice.

The fact that she hadn't gotten off with me PROVED that she didn't love me properly.

You know you JUST wrote that you left her, right?

That she really did love helping others more.

How selfish!

It made me sick.

Please vomit.

She'd always taken orders from so called "higher powers": God, her father, her bitch friends, the church, charities. She was not an independant person like me.

Sounds like you really loved her.

And, as I walked towards the terminal, I smiled. I knew I'd just had a damn lucky escape.

Glad that you've coped with loosing the love of your life to a certain death in about 13 seconds.

Getting on that plane would have been the biggest mistake of my life.

Nah...you've made bigger mistakes.

Not just because of the risk in going to that dangerous plane, but also because of her.

And the fact your belongings are still on the plane.

Spending the rest of my life with her would have been a huge mistake.

She'll be head soon. Shot through the heart. And you're to blame.

She wasn't good enough for me. She didn't deserve someone who could think for themself like me. She was beautiful and kind, yes, but also in her own way very ugly (on the inside) and selfish.

Not doing whatever you want ≠ selfish

I felt excitement course through my body as I walked back inside.

Reading you attempt to describe emotional responses makes my bowels quiver in utter contempt.

I started playing air guitar right there in the airport, I was so excited.

If you played Journey or Foreigner, I win the internets...and not just the Asian ones.

I didn't care who was looking at me. I was free! I rocked the fuck out.

Free from what? The situation that you willingly put yourself into and walked away from? Didn't sound like you were ever forced into everything. In fact, it seems as though you ignored many social cues that even a blind baboon would've picked up on.

I watched the plane take off. I could see my girlfriend looking out the winow,

No you couldn't, unless the plane was taking off 20 feet away from the terminal.

probably regretting letting me walk out of her life, wishing she had got off that plane with me.

Sure.

I gave her the finger.

Again, rational.

It was only after the plane had flown away that I realized she'd been sitting on the other side of the aisle and the girl I'd been flicking off must have been soemone else. Still, the intent was the same.

Needless and not funny. -10 points.

I decided I'll make up with Thames.

Next season on Journeys with MadBaggins!

What the Hell!

FUCK IT!

He's not such a bad guy.

More appealing than your character.

Maybe I can even stop him sliding down the slipperly slide of drug addiction.

And there we have it. Next season you're going to get addicted to drugs and tell us it's not all that bad. Or you're going to fuck a fish.

I'll even hang out with Mad Dave and Ed-Legs. It's better than being shot in the neck and legs just for helping a child.

Stupid kids need to learn to run somehow!

And I can't fucking wait to see The Avengers!

YAY 7TH GRADE!

 

[cooleddie74]

 

[BillJ]

Your girl was really wanting to bang the bearded dude all along. And they'll be doing it while helping the poor, perhaps at the same time.

 

[Kemaiku]

Indeed and I'll bet there's a little 'epilogue' coming at some point.

 

[cooleddie74]

^
Oh, from me or Squigs? 'Cause that litany of Win is just something I can't top right now...if at all.