I think my girlfriend is a Christian! Advice needed.

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

I realized that her friend who told me doesn't like me much. A couple of months ago I was looking at her in class trying to figure out if she was good looking when she said, in front of everyne, "excuse me, do we know each other? No? Stop staring at me then." Maybe I had looked for a bit too long (I hadn't thought I was making it obvious) but I certainly wasn't staring. So when she wasn't in college AGAIN the next time I didn't want to go to that girl again. So I went to her other friend, one who has no reason to dislike me.

Because girls never talk to each other about creepy guys that stare at them, no never.

Isn't it obvious MB? Your beautiful relationship was poisoned by gossip mongers.

 

[DonIago]

...I thought it was the Bolsheviks.

 

[Darth Duck]

...I thought it was the Bolsheviks.

They ruin everything.

 

[Squiggy]

I'll give the episode a once over in the morning.

 

[DonIago]

You should do it around 6:15. That's perfectly reasonable.

 

[Australis]

Maybe MB could get his cousin to look after the disabled brother.

Too creepy?

 

[Squiggy]

Things have taken a turn for the worse over the last week.

Things were never that good to begin with.

I can't believe it was just eight days ago that we spent the whole day together and everything felt special and amazing.

Like when you used to climb the rope in gym class?

It feels like a year ago. Or more than a year. Or a year but a really long year.

Years have exactly two lengths. 365 and 366 days. The .27% different between the two isn't noticble to humans. Bots perhaps, but not humans.

I grew increasingly frustrated at my girl friend

You shouldn't call her that.

(yes, have to use the spacebar again!)

ZZOMG! Actually, you don't. Because as we will all see...she isn't your friend either. Let's continue...

because I thought she was trying to avoid me. First there was the incident with her being "ill" which I began to doubt when I realized that her friend who told me doesn't like me much.

Everyone who doesn't like you lies to you. You should burn them!

A couple of months ago I was looking at her in class trying to figure out if she was good looking when she said, in front of everyne, "excuse me, do we know each other? No? Stop staring at me then."

So...your "girl_friend" was a 14-year-old bitch? You know how to pick 'em.

Maybe I had looked for a bit too long (I hadn't thought I was making it obvious)

You were.

but I certainly wasn't staring.

You were.

So when she wasn't in college AGAIN

Ok. Look. Stop refering to it that way. No one in the United States (where this is set) calls it that way. We also don't say "I'm going to be at college" nor do we say "I'm going to university". We simply refer to it as "school". Do you understand me? S-C-H-O-O-L.

the next time I didn't want to go to that girl again. So I went to her other friend, one who has no reason to dislike me.

Au contraire...

This time, after some probing

Heh heh...

, she told me that my girl friend

Nuh uh.

was away because her disabled brother was having some problems.

Awfully vague. I'm sure we'll figure out what those problems are in a later installment when you rescue him from what ever "Pray Away Teh Ghey" camp they shipped him off to for you are an angel on this road of life.

I said I didn't know she had a disabled brother

We could fill Ft. Knox with things in that catagory.

and the friend said maybe I should have found these things out for myself.

Tis true. When one "likes" or "really likes" or "is crushing on" someone, it's standard practice to know some basic things about them. Family would fall into that catagory of "basic things".

How was I supposed to do that?

Asking. Let me demonstrate how about 30 seconds of your 8 hour hand-hold-fest should've gone.

Her: Have you ever slept with a family member?
You: Yes. Well...no. See, it was all poorly written. I did break her neck though. What about your family.
Her: No. We're all decent people. Except my brother. He's crippled and as a Christian and most probably a Republican I don't have a problem using outdated and offensive terminology to describe people.
You: Wanna go steady?

There.

I hadn't seen any disabled brother at her home when I'd visited the week before.

Well then obviously there's more to this situation. Get on it, Kojak.

Granted, I'd went up the stairs fast and then had left again after her dad invited me to stay as quickly as humanly possible

A perfectly reasonable reaction to a perfectly acceptable social situation.

, but I'd seen absolutely no evidence of him. They didn't seem the type of family to hide a disabled son away either.

HE'S IN THE ATTIC!

But it seemed like a really tasteless thing to make up, so I had to assumed it was true.

As people don't make up tasteless things.

So why didn't my girl friend just tell me about this?

What did I tell you?

We'd spent ALOT of time together. Perhaps we weren't as close as I'd thought.

I think you've spent a total of 9 hours together? I'm sure most of that time was spend in slow-mo, walking in a meadow with a 30 year old soft-rock track playing in the background. Really you only had a moment in that montage to get any info out of her.

She was in class on Friday but there was some gang-related violence on campus

What fucking "school" do you go to? And when did you start going to school.

and that distracted everyone and was the main topic of conversation all day (turns out one guy got stabbed in the thigh by a pair of scissors.)

That's the worst gang ever.

Even so, I could feel a vast gaping chasm of distance between me and my girl friend.

Wait, were you two ever dating to begin with or were your encounters just happenstance?

Finally at the end of the day I asked if she needed me at the church again but she said she was too busy.

She was too busy to need you? She obviously wants you.

I asked what with and she said "family stuff" but nothing more.

Ghey camp.

Why was she being like this?

If I were a bettin' man...I'd wager to say it was the stink of despiration.

I said maybe we could spend Saturday together again but she said no. I said "come on, your family will be fine!"

A bold move...making her chose between her family and you...a guy she has spent half a day with. Let's see if it pays off.

She said she didn't have time for this and she'd talk to me when everything was okay.

Survey says!

Aww.

I thought she was just blowing me off.

Well, you're close.

I spent most of Saturday thinking about her.

You shoud've spent that time studying for college class.

What had happened? Has she discovered my atheism?

She might have discovered you being a stalker. Beleive it or not, that's also questionable behaivor to Christians.

I had talked about it with a few of my new friends at college.

STOP IT

I didn't see why any of them would have told her, but I don't know them as well as my real friends, so who knows?

Do they know her. Does she know them? Does "college" only consist of a dozen people?

I'd visited an atheist website at college once too.

You cheeky bastard.

Maybe she'd went on the computer afterwards and checked the history?

Depends on how many incest sites were around the athiest site. It's hard at this point to find what abhorent behavior of yours she would find truly abhorent at this point.

That would be ironic considering what I did in her bedroom.

Ew.

I hardly slept last night. I just wanted to know where I stood with her once and for all. The thought came to me that Christians go to church on a Sunday and that if she was one, she'd be there.

Way to go, Jack Bauer.

So I'd call her and if she didn't answer, I'd know why.

Or she was cheating on you.

Or if she did answer and I could hear church singing in the background, I'd know she was at church.

Or she was listening to a recording. But why would she answer her phone if she was at church? Sounds like you don't know that much about how people act.

But I didn't know what time people went to church at.

You know...there's being an "athest" and then there's being "unbeleiveably stupid".

I thought it was really early (it seems that way on The Simpsons) so I called her just after 6:15 am.

Oh Jesus Christ. Even in The Simpsons they're going to church after the sun came up. How can someone be so unaware of how a majority of the country (English speaking country) acts for half of an entire day? See. Baggy...you've lost me at this point. This plot point is too unbleleibveable Going back to your Simpsons reference...back when the show was good Homer was a well-meaning, yet dumb oaf. Then around 2000 the show started to suck, the reason is because Homer evolved into something that was TOO STUPID TO EXIST.
This is on the same trajectory.

Remember, I hadn't slept and wasn't thinking straight.

Don't blame this on insomnia. You haven't thought straight since season 1.

I'd wanted to call even earlier but had managed to wait until 6:15.

You sir, are a titan of self-restrait.

She sounded tried when she answered.

At least she answered. There's hope!

She asked why the fuck (I briefly thought "she can't be a Christian!" due to the swearing but then rememebered Beau swears all the time) I'd called so early.

He probably swears because he realizes he's dedicated his life to something that's destined to fail.

This is pretty much how the conversation went from there.

At least you know she's open to filthy language. Be sure you sprinkle it in your future conversations.

Please remember that I was tired and emotional and didn't handle myself well.

Why start now?

Me: Sorry, it's just that I've been thinking about you a lot but haven't been able to talk to you lately.
Her: I've had things going on, sorry, but there's more important stuff in my life than you.

And...at this point you thought there was still hope, yeah?

Me: That makes me feel bad. Look, I just want to talk to you properly.

Calling at 6:15 on a Sunday: NOT TALKING TO HER PROPERLY.

Her: I'll see you next week.
Me: No, NOW. Can't we meet today? We're both up, how about we meet in a couple of hours?

This is a bad comedic device. "Hey, since you're up...why don't we_______?"

Her: No, it's Sunday, I have to go to church.
Me: Because you're a Christian?

Why else would someone go to church?

Her: Uhh, yeah? My family go every week.
Me: I'M AN ATHEIST. Sorry for shouting, but I had to get that out there at last. It felt good.

Nice seque.

Her(long pause): Don't call me again.

Burn.

Then the phonecall ended.

Thanks.

Well, turns out I was right all along. She hung up right after I finally told her I'm an athiest.

There are other ways to inform people about things. You seem to constantly do it in the worst way imaginable.

Proof that she never could have accepted it and things never could have worked between us. I felt bad about the way things had gone down, but somewhat vindicated in my beliefs.

Having someone not accept something is not proof that they would have never accepted it to begin with. This is something most people grasp in childhood when they learn to ask for things at the right time instead of when their parents are in a fight with each other. You know, I'm pretty sure that even the higher order apes know how to do this.

College is going to be awkward now.

God dammit.

 

[cooleddie74]

Squiggy for the win.

I knew it'd be worth waiting to see those replies.

 

[CorporalCaptain]

That was worth the wait (ninja'd).

 

[archeryguy1701]

Oh, your contributions were greatly missed, Squiggy!

 

[RoJoHen]

For what it's worth, some of us do call it "college" in certain circumstances.

 

[cooleddie74]

Don't blame this on insomnia. You haven't thought straight since season 1.

Best part of the whole collective response.

 

[CommanderRaytas]

I even enjoy helping the needy when I'm around her. She makes everything feel good. But what do I do when religion comes up as it inevitably will?

She makes you feel good and help the needy but when she brings out that big cross you shrink away from it and go running back to your coffin? Yeah I get that too.

I know I'm kind of late into the discussion, but this comment seriously made me lulz.

 

[Trekker4747]

Things have taken a turn for the worse over the last week.

Last week's Neilsen's?

I can't believe it was just eight days ago that we spent the whole day together and everything felt special and amazing.

You're in grade school aren't you?

I grew increasingly frustrated at my girl friend (yes, have to use the spacebar again!) because I thought she was trying to avoid me. First there was the incident with her being "ill" which I began to doubt when I realized that her friend who told me doesn't like me much. A couple of months ago I was looking at her in class trying to figure out if she was good looking when she said, in front of everyne, "excuse me, do we know each other? No? Stop staring at me then." Maybe I had looked for a bit too long (I hadn't thought I was making it obvious) but I certainly wasn't staring.

You're the Ralph Wiggum of your school, aren't you?

So when she wasn't in college AGAIN the next time I didn't want to go to that girl again. So I went to her other friend, one who has no reason to dislike me.

Eh, since when did people need reasons to do anything? You certainly don't.

I said I didn't know she had a disabled brother and the friend said maybe I should have found these things out for myself. How was I supposed to do that?

Talking helps, exchanging thoughts and feelings. Usually during an 8-hour long special day date I like to learn things about people's family and friends.

I hadn't seen any disabled brother at her home when I'd visited the week before.

Clearly then he doesn't exist.

Granted, I'd went up the stairs fast and then had left again after her dad invited me to stay as quickly as humanly possible, but I'd seen absolutely no evidence of him.

I drove by a car real fast on the highway yesterday, it had one of those "My kid is an honor-roll student" bumper stickers but when I glanced in my mirror to make sure I could safely pass the car I didn't notice a kid in the car. Clearly the driver was lying, perhaps had stolen the car. They might be a terrorist, in fact. They looked foreign and they were driving an American car. I have lots of suspicions.

They didn't seem the type of family to hide a disabled son away either.

I don't know what this means.

But it seemed like a really tasteless thing to make up, so I had to assumed it was true.

Ahh, the innocence of youth.

So why didn't my girl friend just tell me about this? We'd spent ALOT of time together. Perhaps we weren't as close as I'd thought.

Well, when you lie in a field starring at each other blandly like Bella and Edward rather than interacting and sharing feelings, thoughts and ideas (like Bella and Jacob) it's hard to know much about people. Go Team Alicia!

She was in class on Friday but there was some gang-related violence on campus and that distracted everyone and was the main topic of conversation all day (turns out one guy got stabbed in the thigh by a pair of scissors.)

I'm really surprised this wasn't on CNN! I mean someone in a unaccredited community college in Nowheresville, "USA" getting stabbed by a pair of scissors?! Wow! I bet it was those lame ones with "lefty" engraved on it.

Even so, I could feel a vast gaping chasm of distance between me and my girl friend.

Oh, dial back the flowery prose there, Hemingway.

Finally at the end of the day I asked if she needed me at the church again but she said she was too busy. I asked what with and she said "family stuff" but nothing more. Why was she being like this? I said maybe we could spend Saturday together again but she said no. I said "come on, your family will be fine!" She said she didn't have time for this and she'd talk to me when everything was okay.

Maybe you should take a human studies course at school?

I spent most of Saturday thinking about her.

In your PJs, laying on bed and staring at your princess-phone no doubt.

What had happened?

You

Has she discovered my atheism?

Given that you've given her no clues to it, I doubt it. Unless she's Batman or something.

I had talked about it with a few of my new friends at college. I didn't see why any of them would have told her, but I don't know them as well as my real friends, so who knows?

You're "real friends" like... Thames and... Who else?

That you haven't fucked that is, or are related to. Or both.

I'd visited an atheist website at college once too. Maybe she'd went on the computer afterwards and checked the history? That would be ironic considering what I did in her bedroom.

Ironic in a "rain on your wedding day" sort of way, sure.

The thought came to me that Christians go to church on a Sunday and that if she was one, she'd be there. So I'd call her and if she didn't answer, I'd know why.

Yes, because the only reason people don't answer their phone on Sundays is church. Yep. No other reason to not answer the phone on Sundays. Yep.

Or if she did answer and I could hear church singing in the background, I'd know she was at church.

Don't know church works, do you?

But I didn't know what time people went to church at.

How is it possible to not know that? Or even have an idea?

I thought it was really early (it seems that way on The Simpsons) so I called her just after 6:15 am.

Because the Simpsons is the end-all, be-all authority on reality and how people behave.

Remember, I hadn't slept and wasn't thinking straight.

I suspect, then, you've not had a good night's sleep in your entire life.

I'd wanted to call even earlier but had managed to wait until 6:15. She sounded tried when she answered. She asked why the fuck (I briefly thought "she can't be a Christian!" due to the swearing but then rememebered Beau swears all the time) I'd called so early.

Yes. It is impossible for Christians to swear.

Me: Sorry, it's just that I've been thinking about you a lot but haven't been able to talk to you lately.
Her: I've had things going on, sorry, but there's more important stuff in my life than you.
Me: That makes me feel bad. Look, I just want to talk to you properly.
Her: I'll see you next week.
Me: No, NOW. Can't we meet today? We're both up, how about we meet in a couple of hours?
Her: No, it's Sunday, I have to go to church.
Me: Because you're a Christian?
Her: Uhh, yeah? My family go every week.
Me: I'M AN ATHEIST. Sorry for shouting, but I had to get that out there at last. It felt good.
Her(long pause): Don't call me again.

Then the phonecall ended.

Well, at least you didn't come across as crazy or anything.

Well, turns out I was right all along. She hung up right after I finally told her I'm an athiest. Proof that she never could have accepted it and things never could have worked between us. I felt bad about the way things had gone down, but somewhat vindicated in my beliefs.

College is going to be awkward now.

You're pretty much the living embodiment of the self-fulfilling prophecy. It could have worked but you went about this like you do pretty much everything else in your life, like a bulldozer going through a building full of people. No thought, no research or anything you just rush into it like a crazy person, make a mess of everything, and assume it went exactly how it would have gone no matter what you did. If you approached things with a bit more rationality and thought you might do better.

 

[sidious618]

Well, turns out I was right all along. She hung up right after I finally told her I'm an athiest. Proof that she never could have accepted it and things never could have worked between us. I felt bad about the way things had gone down, but somewhat vindicated in my beliefs

You have truly shown yourself to be a warrior and, like all warriors, there are times when you lose a battle. But the war can still be won.

HAVE SEX WITH THE FRIEND.

 

[cooleddie74]

Me: Sorry, it's just that I've been thinking about you a lot but haven't been able to talk to you lately.
Her: I've had things going on, sorry, but there's more important stuff in my life than you.
Me: That makes me feel bad. Look, I just want to talk to you properly.
Her: I'll see you next week.
Me: No, NOW. Can't we meet today? We're both up, how about we meet in a couple of hours?
Her: No, it's Sunday, I have to go to church.
Me: Because you're a Christian?
Her: Uhh, yeah? My family go every week.
Me: I'M AN ATHEIST. Sorry for shouting, but I had to get that out there at last. It felt good.
Her(long pause): Don't call me again.

Then the phonecall ended.

Dude. I've heard phone taps of Mafia conversations involving people like Sammy "the Bull" Gravano that were less creepy than that.

 

[RoJoHen]

I feel like it defeats the purpose of being an Atheist if you care that much about being an Atheist.

 

[DonIago]

How's that?

 

[RoJoHen]

I dunno. I feel like the best thing about being an Atheist is that I really couldn't care less about anybody else's religious affiliation. To me, being an Atheist is the absence of religion. It's not even worth mentioning.

 

[archeryguy1701]

But.... what's the point of having an opinion or believing (or I suppose not believing in this case) in something if you aren't going to beat someone over the head with it? It just sucks all the fun out of it.