I am almost at breaking point

[Mr Awe]

Given that she has said that she's nearly at the breaking point, I'm assuming that giving him some attention is not the problem. That she's given him all the attention that she can, and then some! That's what it sounds like to me.

It sounds like there needs to be changes in that house. It is not healty letting him stay up all night just so he can obsess over useless things. Create limits and redirect his interests towards things that would actually help you out. Also, direct him towards things that would tire him out more, physical activity or what not. Sitting in front of a computer won't tire him out.

Mr Awe

 

[DimesDan]

because my son, i.e. the one who is intellectually disabled, keeps coming out of his room and 'regaling' me with less than riveting accounts of the Facebook game that he is currently obsessed with. I gather it is sort of a RPG where you build cities, form alliances and go to war with other alliances.

I have told him several times I am not interested. I have even snapped at him when he told me about it for the umpteenth time but he won't stop.

How should I retaliate

a) start going into his room and telling him about the exciting game of Farkle or Solitaire that I have just played on Facebook.

b) turn the modem off every time he does it

c) buy earplugs and just nod a lot if I know he is around

d) filicide

or do any of you have better suggestions?

None of the above. Be a mother and listen to him regardless if you're interested or not.

 

[Alpha Romeo]

He's your son...he wants to share things with you and you're bitching about it. If my daughter wanted to chew my ear off I'd be more than happy to listen.

Imagine how you would feel if he died. You'd be begging for him to give you one more AM of talk about his games.

 

[Mary Ann]

He's your son...he wants to share things with you and you're bitching about it. If my daughter wanted to chew my ear off I'd be more than happy to listen.

Imagine how you would feel if he died. You'd be begging for him to give you one more AM of talk about his games.

Please show us where Miss Chicken says that she is never, ever interested in anything her son says. "Imagine how you would feel if he died" is not just a ludicrious statement in this situation; it's insulting.

 

[Cheapjack]

Show interest, but find some aspect of it that will shut him up for a bit, as he works it out?

 

[Alpha Romeo]

He's your son...he wants to share things with you and you're bitching about it. If my daughter wanted to chew my ear off I'd be more than happy to listen.

Imagine how you would feel if he died. You'd be begging for him to give you one more AM of talk about his games.

Please show us where Miss Chicken says that she is never, ever interested in anything her son says. "Imagine how you would feel if he died" is not just a ludicrious statement in this situation; it's insulting.

That's your opinion. I'm sticking to mine.

 

[Mary Ann]

He's your son...he wants to share things with you and you're bitching about it. If my daughter wanted to chew my ear off I'd be more than happy to listen.

Imagine how you would feel if he died. You'd be begging for him to give you one more AM of talk about his games.

Please show us where Miss Chicken says that she is never, ever interested in anything her son says. "Imagine how you would feel if he died" is not just a ludicrious statement in this situation; it's insulting.

That's your opinion. I'm sticking to mine.

I'm still interested to see where Miss Chicken said that she's never interested in anything her son says.

 

[Deckerd]

Hm...if he's been up all night, maybe that's the problem right there. Regulating internet/computer time might not be a bad idea. Computer use outside of allowed hours is not something you have to permit.

He is an adult. Even if he is disabled I have to treat him as an adult. I have no more right to dictate his computer hours than he has to dictate mine.

However, this gives you an excellent countermeasure to his behaviour. Just keep waking him up during the day to tell him about the things you've been doing. If you're as relentless as he is, he will eventually get the message.

 

[JarodRussell]

Hm...if he's been up all night, maybe that's the problem right there. Regulating internet/computer time might not be a bad idea. Computer use outside of allowed hours is not something you have to permit.

He is an adult. Even if he is disabled I have to treat him as an adult. I have no more right to dictate his computer hours than he has to dictate mine.

However, this gives you an excellent countermeasure to his behaviour. Just keep waking him up during the day to tell him about the things you've been doing. If you're as relentless as he is, he will eventually get the message.

And what if he's interested in what she does?

"Imagine how you would feel if he died" is not just a ludicrious statement in this situation; it's insulting.

It's not insulting at all.

 

[Deckerd]

It doesn't really matter. It's the principle of invading what he considers his 'down time'. Even if he is interested, he'll be so tired he won't be able to concentrate. If he complains that he needs to sleep she can point out perfectly reasonably that it's daytime and she wants to talk.

 

[Kestra]

"Imagine how you would feel if he died" is not just a ludicrious statement in this situation; it's insulting.

It's not insulting at all.

It does seem out of left-field. There's a pretty wide range between being annoyed by someone and not caring if they died. Surely people are allowed to some venting without being guilted into silence?

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

The issues are different when someone has an intellectual disability, are on the autism spectrum etc.. it's not the same as saying you don't want your 15 year old to keep talking about his awesome warrior powers in game land.

Miss Chicken perhaps a timer might be helpful, you could say "I want to hear about your game for 5 minutes, when the alarm goes off I need to be able to get back to my work so you will have to stop telling me about it." Some people cannot self regulate and since it's your mental space you need to do the regulating.

Also I wanted to ask how would he respond if you had headphones on (doesn't have to be music playing in them, just visibly on, the bigger ones). And pointed to the headphones indicating you can't hear but will be available in a bit?

 

[Miss Chicken]

I don't think some of you realise what it is like to live with someone with an intellectual disablity.

For a start I have to balance the fact that he is an adult with the fact that in many areas he functions at a level well below that of an average adult.

I don't think that he should have the same rules as a child such as a set bed-time or by limiting his computer time because he must learn independence and that include managing his own time. I will not always be here to manage him. At some point he is going to have to go it alone with only a disability worker visiting him occasionally.

My son does have some other interests. He like Magic the Gathering which he plays with his brother. He and I also play Rummy 500 and I am trying to teach him Canasta. He is interested in the history of the WW2 and reads and collects books and magazines on that subject. I actually scour the internet for books on this subject that are easy enough for him to read. His reading ability is at about a 11 year old level but he does not like children's books. He also does some of the gardening and he certainly does his share of the housework.

We share some interests i.e. we both like science fiction/fantasy.

My son has trouble making friends mainly because he is a poor judge of character and usually makes 'friends' with people who only are his friends on pension day. His one real friend, a former neighbour who was my age, died last year.

I think it will improve when his brother Marcus moves back in. His brother, who has cerebral palsy, has a small circle of nice friends, most of whom have a disability and therefore are understanding of Adam.

However even Marcus can get annoyed when Adam gets obsessed with something. I think one has to live with an obsessive person to understand how annoying it can be. Adam's obsessions tend to last 3 to 6 months and then he finds something else to obsess over though he doesn't tends to discard the former interest he just stops obsessing over it.

Unfortunately we are at the beginning of this obsession.

 

[iguana_tonante]

He is an adult. Even if he is disabled I have to treat him as an adult. I have no more right to dictate his computer hours than he has to dictate mine.

My middle son needs more help from me because of his intellectual disability, what he doesn't need is being treated like a child. We don't treat someone who is blind, or someone in a wheelchair like a child just because they might need extra help at times.

I don't really have any advice for you, but I just wanted to point out your attitude with your son and his disability is really exemplary.

He's your son...he wants to share things with you and you're bitching about it. If my daughter wanted to chew my ear off I'd be more than happy to listen.

Imagine how you would feel if he died. You'd be begging for him to give you one more AM of talk about his games.

Then what are you doing here? Go and play with her. Imagine how you would feel if she died. You'd be begging for having spent the few minutes you used to post here with her.

"Imagine how you would feel if he died" is not just a ludicrious statement in this situation; it's insulting.

It's not insulting at all.

It does seem out of left-field. There's a pretty wide range between being annoyed by someone and not caring if they died. Surely people are allowed to some venting without being guilted into silence?

But, she's a mother. She should devote all her life to her sons, and never be annoyed or crossed. And if she tries to complain or even just vent her frustration, she's an horrible woman who doesn't care if her children live or die.

 

[Nerys Ghemor]

That said, when I lived in my parents' house, even after I turned 18, I was held to certain rules. Not anywhere near as many rules as when I was younger than that, but if I made too much noise at night, I definitely heard about that. It was simple--I was an adult, but I did not pay all of my own bills so I still owed them courtesy. I didn't pay rent, but in essence I was the tenant and had to be respectful of the rules laid down by the landlord.

I am sure that if your parents wouldn't set a bed-time for you if you were 30 years old and living at home.

I do not have any complaints about my son keeping me awake at night.

Not an outright bedtime, but when I did things that kept them awake, I was definitely told to knock those activities off because it was disrespectful. And I think they were well within their rights regardless of my age at the time. After all, if I disturbed the neighbors in an apartment complex, the landlord there could easily do the same thing.

 

[Miss Chicken]

But my son isn't doing anything that keeps me nor my neighbours awake. I go to bed at around 9.30pm and my son is nearly always still up at that time. I am usually asleep by 10pm.

 

[Itisnotlogical]

(snip) His reading ability is at about a 11 year old level (snip)

But I could probably have read and comprehended the plot of Dune at that time in my life.

I think the best idea is to once, gently inform him that you have bigger fish to fry and return to what you were doing (after a few minutes of polite not-listening). If he persists, use a slightly firmer tone of voice and continue what you were doing. Progressively go harder on him until he gets the idea.

 

[Miss Chicken]

I think if you were reading Dune at 11 you were probably reading at more than an 11 year old level.

 

[Itisnotlogical]

I said could, not did. I didn't even find out about the book until I was 14.

But seriously, I think my idea is the gentlest possible way and (assuming he thinks like a normal person... just a lot younger than he really is) the most likely to succeed.

 

[Alpha Romeo]

"Imagine how you would feel if he died" is not just a ludicrious statement in this situation; it's insulting.

It's not insulting at all.

It does seem out of left-field. There's a pretty wide range between being annoyed by someone and not caring if they died. Surely people are allowed to some venting without being guilted into silence?

Clarification: "Imagine how you would feel if he died" alluded to her never having him interrupt her again. Imagine how she would feel? She would miss it.