How do you tell someone it will be OK?

[Myasishchev]

I edit too slowly.

Just sayin' that some women might take some issue with the notion that everybody knows about their periods. This is the lesson I learned from Carrie.

If I were rich, though, I'd totally buy her that sports car.

 

[Myasishchev]

Our mom stole her car, which is a crappy '81 Dodge that goes about 20 mph, while hers is in the shop.

I read the first part of that and I was going say "Oh come on!" before I read the second part which explained why it's actually pretty reasonable. I think I caught PTSD.

Anyway, I hope we've cheered you up a bit at least.

 

[HoneyBLilly]

I'm thinking of giving her my 2010 Mercedes SLK300, for her eighteenth birthday of course so next year, because I need a more family oriented car. She does love my Silkworm.

And will you tell her you know?

And I doubt she'll scream it from the rooftops that I'm her sister. And actually she does know, I just texted her and told her.

EDIT: We may call my mom Satanna and her new fiancé Satan, but she's not that evil.

 

[Myasishchev]

I'm thinking of giving her my 2010 Mercedes SLK300, for her eighteenth birthday of course so next year, because I need a more family oriented car. She does love my Silkworm.

All right! As it was my idea, I claim a percentage of the car.

And will you tell her you know?

Oh, that's a fine conversation-starter with a sixteen year old girl.

And I doubt she'll scream it from the rooftops that I'm her sister. And actually she does know, I just texted her and told her.

EDIT: We may call my mom Satanna and her new fiancé Satan, but she's not that evil.

It's just pronounced "Stan"!

 

[HoneyBLilly]

Stan is his name. That's how we got Satan. No one likes him.

I'm not sure it's better than our asshole brother-in-law, Dick, no really that is his name. Dick. Not Richard. Dick. It's fitting too.

A percentage if the car . . . Hmmm . . . The leather interior perhaps.

 

[Jadzia]

On top of this all her body is making too much Prolactin, which is a hormone that produces lactation with pregnancy, it also causes bloating of the hands, feet, and abdominal area; there's why she can't lose weight.

I think that's the hormone that also makes people tearful, which may be related.

I've advised her through all of this, but now the help seems to has run out and all I can say "It'll pass." And today she finally broke down and yelled at me.

Some people will blame themselves for things that happen to their friends. They may have thoughts like "Did I influence what happened?" or "Could I have stopped it?" This could even be in an illogical way such as believing she is "bad luck" or a bad omen. If she reads Harry Potter, then she must enjoy magical/superstitious things, so a bad luck belief may not be that unlikely.

If she feels this way, you could reassure her, and show her all the of the ways in which she is a good omen.

I don't know what to do. I was fat in high school and stuff, but I wasn't ridiculed this bad. Sure a few cheerleaders here and there but still . . . I don't know what to do anymore. I'm her closest girl sibling, in relationship and age.

If I was in her situation I'd also benefit from people saying to me:

- Your family are the most important friends you have.
- Whatever happened to your friends, be glad it didn't happen to you.
- Whatever happened, life goes on.
- Everyone has upsets in their life, and it's the roll of a dice as to who is affected. Hopefully the dice will be kinder to you now.

 

[the skullcowboy]

It breaks my heart to hear stuff like this, first and foremost she needs to really have it driven home to her that all the things that happened to her friends were not her fault in any way shape or form. she should be reassured that she is young and her body will change though being a bit overweight does not make her any less of a good person and someone who is truly special will see her for her goodness and not simply her looks, being picked on and bullied for these reasons by petty jealous people is mindless and she should find her way to hold her head up and be proud of who she is NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS SAY

That's what I've told her. She just pulls the whole it was a different generation for you crap.

Which is true. I may have been overweight and a "geek" but I still had a handful of friends and guys who thought I was hot, that was nine years ago.

now I do have a bit of exp in this matter, in JHS I was 4ft 8in tall and weighed 235lbs, not popular by any means and BEYOND picked on, girls using me because I was smart and guys beating me up because they felt i was " weak " I only had 2 real friends but mostly felt as though I was alone,unloved,useless...all the things you mentioned your sister is going through, If I could tell you to tell her anything it's that she is not alone and she is NOT any of those things. I recently was contacted by a former JHS classmate on FB who could not believe it was the same person she went to school with, her comment was " omg I should have been nicer to you, you're gorgeous now! " now I don't think I am a great looking guy in the least but that comment really showed me that people who are shallow then would be just as shallow now. Let your sister know that, encourage her to try and befriend people who are like her and share her interests...

I get how you feel too. Her and I are both 5'2" she weighs 216 right now though, I only weighed 176.

As for other friends. All of the popular kids have made it to she's not allowed to make friends. It was these four guys in school who just ripped into her about the Harry Potter, smarts, and then weight thing.

I've gone to her school and observed, I used to be a newsreporter, and I see how they treat her.

Also part of the problem is she's been hurt so much that she has this wall up and she gives an aura of ice cold. She protects herself so much that it does make people uncomfortable. Also she's really quiet.

As for you, I'm glad you were able to show them.

as for her still not being kissed....tell her to give it a little more time, when the person who is meant to be her first kiss comes along...it will be that much more special....

I hope some of this makes sense? Best wishes to you and her!

I've told her that. She's just stubborn. Maintains the fact that I was desirable makes it hard for me to understand.

Love her to death, but there are times I do want to strangle her.

ahhh the " different generation " defense...lets put it this way...I was in that situation...it hurt me....you were in that situation a generation later( i am 37 )...I am betting it hurt you just as much as it hurt me...plus at that time NO girls thought i was hot but alot thought I was " a really nice guy but... " ouch! so now she is in that situation and hurting, pain is the same, if you can find one significant similarity in what you went through to what she is going through...it will be a bridge to build on... I really wish I had something more meaningful to say or a way to help better than what I am writing, i mean all I can offer is what I went through to try and show the similar pattern...I developed a stomach disorder, I tried to stay out sick as much as possible, instead of playing outside after school I couldn't wait to get home and " hide under my bed "

I just really don't want to see this turn really bad, my 15 year old cousin tried to kill herself because of this type of thing, I considered it when I was 12....can you imagine....12!

There is no magic to make it all better...if there was I would surely tell you, my fondest wishes and best thoughts for you both...I really hope through your strength and her inner wisdom and character this somehow improves

her comment was " omg I should have been nicer to you, you're gorgeous now! "

Not to go off on a tangent here, but this is most cuntish thing I've read in a week. And in this thread, that's saying something. It's so thoroughly cuntish because it's supposed to be a compliment, but really look at it. It's the horrible, horrible noise made by a horrible, horrible person. Stay away from this woman or make sure to wear a crucifix.

And, yes, the c-word is appropriate in its context. This is that context.

as for her still not being kissed....tell her to give it a little more time, when the person who is meant to be her first kiss comes along...it will be that much more special....

Is this true for girls? Any human being? I don't think this is true for human beings.

I speak from my experience. A lack of physical intimacy in adolescence is about as scarring as actual recognized bullying. At least when someone hits you, you know whom to blame. It's obvious; the person the fist is attached to.

When you're alone, the only face you can put to your loneliness is your own.

You start weird and when no one likes you, you get weirder. It's a vicious cycle and hard to break even a decade later. If you're lucky, you get callous and turn into pickup artist; if you're not, you get broken down and afraid of the gauntlet of "no," "let's just be friends," and "I've got Mace" that's an inevitable part of the scene.

I totally agree about that person's comment, I have no plan to meet her for drinks or anything else like that, the way I feel is " if you treated me like shit in the past...you'll probably treat me like shit in the present "

as for the 2nd half...yeah I guess I was channeling my " inner disney " which scares me, believe me I too have been in the " no kiss " or intimate contact zone, I didn't really develop my " looks " until I was nearly 16...by then the damage to my so called ego was done and even when certain girls took the initiative to ask me on a date I thought it was a joke and recoiled,to this day I still sometimes feel like that worthless, fat ugly guy i was hammered over the head and told I was, so that was just plain bad posting by me

Then again my therapist told me my insecurity with woman began at a younger age than that, stemming from the fact that Miss Louise and Miss Mary Ann never called my name when looking through the magic mirror on romper room ( ok that was a joke, romper room was a kid's tv show...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romper_Room )

 

[ElBurro]

I was bullied at school by a lot of people in my year, but also by my alleged best friends. The three of us were at one of their houses one day and one of them asked me to go out into the hall for a minute. I jokingly said 'why, so you can talk about me?' and she said yes. I said I wouldn't leave, so they went into the hall and left me sitting in her bedroom while they talked about me behind my back. I can't put into words how bad that made me feel. The bullying got so bad, that I ended up dropping out of school when I was 15 and on anti-depressants.

I'm sure your sister doesn't feel like it at the moment, but it will get better. I have two best friends now (one of whom is my housemate and I'm so close to the other that her kids call me Aunty and think of me as one of the family) who would never treat me the way that the two I had in school did and serve as a reminder of how un-friend like those two actually were.

I know that I don't really know you or your sister, but please let her know that if she ever wants to talk to someone who went through something similar then she can always send me a PM via you on here and I will do whatever I can to advise and help her.

 

[MANT!]

Tell her this...

It all goes away in college...

College was a true revelation for me..in fact, I learned far more on how to relate to others there than in HS with the insipid morons that surround you in the public school enviornment...
and again..

- Your family are the most important friends you have.
- Whatever happened to your friends, be glad it didn't happen to you.
- Whatever happened, life goes on.
- Everyone has upsets in their life, and it's the roll of a dice as to who is affected. Hopefully the dice will be kinder to you now.

 

[Sean Aaron]

Yeah, college is definitely better than High School - reinventing yourself and all that. This girl sounds like she's had a really tough time.

I can't say I have any real advice here - sometimes things don't get better. What is true is that there's generally someone worse off than you though and as bad as life gets you can usually find something good in your life that can make it even a little more bearable when things go wrong.

I should get a fee from Hallmark!

 

[Lookingglassman]

Is she under a doctor's treatment? There should be something medically that can be done to help her illness. She can also start eating right, if mom wont do it then you take over and do it and have her exercise like walking.

As for her friends, they all sound like losers and she can easily make new ones. She needs to take care of HERself and not worry what others think. She is young and has lots of life to live and don't know who she will meet in the future who will truly be a "best friend" and never let her down.

 

[Sean Aaron]

Is she under a doctor's treatment? There should be something medically that can be done to help her illness.

I think the answer to that earlier on was something to the effect of "welcome to the American healthcare system."

 

[Lookingglassman]

Oh so in other words her insurance company either: a. is refusing to pay for it, b. dropped her coverage once she filed a claim for it or c. Refuses to cover her for it.

 

[HoneyBLilly]

I've advised her through all of this, but now the help seems to has run out and all I can say "It'll pass." And today she finally broke down and yelled at me.

Some people will blame themselves for things that happen to their friends. They may have thoughts like "Did I influence what happened?" or "Could I have stopped it?" This could even be in an illogical way such as believing she is "bad luck" or a bad omen. If she reads Harry Potter, then she must enjoy magical/superstitious things, so a bad luck belief may not be that unlikely.

If she feels this way, you could reassure her, and show her all the of the ways in which she is a good omen.

Those are her thoughts, almost exactly.

I was pretty sure it was just her being a drama queen, but she does believe it was her. Before she saw the dead body she thought the boys teased her just because they had nothing else to do.

And then she started to think she was the bad luck and cause for everything bad.

I just really don't want to see this turn really bad, my 15 year old cousin tried to kill herself because of this type of thing, I considered it when I was 12....can you imagine....12!

She was thirteen.

That I blame on me. I had just moved back home and my husband bought us a pool since NorCal can get up to 120 degrees during the summer. And I was pregnant, well the two of us went swimming and she had accidentally elbowed me within the first ten minutes or so, about an hour and a half later I started bleeding because I was miscarrying.

She blamed herself. Constantly told me that she was sorry and I would tell her that it wasn't.

Is she under a doctor's treatment? There should be something medically that can be done to help her illness. She can also start eating right, if mom wont do it then you take over and do it and have her exercise like walking.

Oh so in other words her insurance company either: a. is refusing to pay for it, b. dropped her coverage once she filed a claim for it or c. Refuses to cover her for it.

Medi-Cal. It's the simplest form of healthcare, and only free, there is and it doesn't cover a whole lot. Just life threatening illnesses and simple things. Her situation is not simple, and it's not cancer so they would not consider it life threatening.

And as I stated she does eat healthy now, my mom stopped with the unhealthy when she met her fiancé. But she eats much healthier than everyone. Only the occasional treat, and no soda.

Exercise. Everyday after school for an hour. Sometimes two. Ellipticals, yoga, and pilates.

 

[PKTrekGirl]

Oops, changed that to make it more clearer.

They were different people. The kidnap one she still talks to. The other one not so much.

And as for weight. She eats six light small meals a day like they say, from the time she was 13 she has ate very little, and exercises for an hour a day. She hasn't lost a pound. She went bulimic for a while, until I may have slapped her a few times and she lost no weight, duh!

Her body has just turned on her. Plus her and I both have slow metabolism.

She refused to go to her Junior Prom because the one guy she thought would at least be a pity date for her didn't even want to go with her because it would have made him look bad. I've seen her stand in the mirror for hours on end just whispering to herself but she never looks happy.

I've tried to tell her that's she's beautiful but she just shakes her head and says that she's not. Neither of us are tall like our older sisters or mom, we didn't get the best selection from the gene pool. I was able to lose the weight and in the year she's worked her heart out and no such luck.

The only thing that she says she has going for her is that she has my eyes, which are the brightest green I've ever seen in anyone, ever.

Okay. First of all, your sister has all the classic signs of an eating disorder. And I say this as someone who had one for many years.

You do not just 'get over' bulimia. I don't care if you thought you slapped her into reality. An eating disorder is not something a person who has one can simply 'take control of'. Quite the opposite, in fact - the physical manifestations of an eating disorder are really sort of a pressure valve for issues that are going on WAY under the surface. And getting 'slapped out of it' by a relative is extremely unlikely. In fact, getting 'slapped' by a relative would only cause her to take it more underground, out of embarrassment over her lack of control.

The fact that she is standing in front of a mirror for long stretches and whimpering about her body tells me a lot as well - she is NOT done with the eating disorder. Because that is textbook eating disorder behavior. Now, she may not be barfing up every meal (likely she is not, if she is overweight)...but I would be really surprised if you sister is in as much control over her food issues as you think. My guess is that, in addition to those '6 small meals' you see her eating, she is probably binging. Which you won't see. Bulimics are very good at hiding this behavior because the name of the game here is control. People with eating disorders are trying desperately to control their lives...but they can't control the food issue - the binge is a pressure valve...and the hiding/sneaking around (and the purging, if she were doing that) is out of shame/embarrassment/self-loathing at not being able to control the behavior.

Bottom line: your sister needs help. PROFESSIONAL help.

Now, I'm not saying she is 'crazy' or anything like that, so please don't take it that way. But from what you are describing - obsession with weight/body image (including the mentality that 'if I was thin, all of my problems would be solved"), difficulty controlling weight, past eating disordered behavior, struggles maintaining personal relationships, absent father (albeit via death)....to me, that sounds like you might not know the full story. All you need to tell me now is that your mom is controlling, narcissistic, obsessed with looks/weight, an addictive personality herself, and/or has very high standards that she expects your sister to live up to, and I'd tell you it was absolutely textbook (that comment about you guys not talking to your mother is no shock at all to me - none whatsoever!).

If your sister has insurance, I would really recommend that you get her in to talk to a counselor who is specially trained to deal with eating disorders. Not all counselors are good at this or sufficiently trained for it, so make sure it is someone who has a proven track record of dealing with eating disorders. Because even if she is not manifesting the behaviors right now, it doesn't sound like to me that the underlying issues have been dealt with.

Until she gets the eating disorder sorted, the rest of the stuff - her weight, her issues surrounding picking friends and maintaining relationships, etc - won't really improve.

Best of luck to you and your sister. You are really great to be there for her.

 

[Jadzia]

Those are her thoughts, almost exactly.

My powers are strong today

I think I understand how she perceives the world, but I'm not sure what the solution is.

With the words of reassurance that I suggested up thread, as well as finding ways in which she's a good omen, here are some more thoughts...

I get the impression that she has some wrong priorities. The thing with the mirror whispering and the prom and being bothered about not being kissed sound reminiscent of people who believe they won't be complete until they get married, as if achieving these things is necessary for their self esteem.

I think her focus needs to be drawn away from those goals, because as long as she dwells on these thoughts, her situation will be self-seeding.

I think she needs to look for happiness outside of school, and care less about what the people at school say and do. She may need a helping hand to do that.

For example, have you done makeup evenings with her? Definitely not to try and impress her peers, just for fun and giggles between you two in private. It may help to boost her self esteem.

Or if she enjoys her food, then teach her how to cook, (or more discretely, asking her to help you while you learn to cook) and she can feel proud of that and build up her self esteem with practical adult skills.

If she does believe in good/bad luck, then add an optimistic slant to that by dropping comments discretely into conversation, such as "you were lucky to get that." Playing games of chance may also help her to see luck from a more realistic perspective.

 

[Myasishchev]

I actually like the games-of-chance idea a lot.

Considering practical adult skills, does she have a job? New social circle, money, exercise. Although maybe she's a bit too young for that, and maybe underqualified: I think you need a master's degree for the average checker position.

 

[HoneyBLilly]

All you need to tell me now is that your mom is controlling, narcissistic, obsessed with looks/weight, an addictive personality herself, and/or has very high standards that she expects your sister to live up to, and I'd tell you it was absolutely textbook (that comment about you guys not talking to your mother is no shock at all to me - none whatsoever!).

I have one word for my mom: French. She was born in Paris, France and moved to Raleigh, North Carolina when she was four.

She was high maintenance before she married my dad, who was just a bartender, but she scaled back.

And after my dad died she gained 80 lbs making her 250, she had six kids so we all left a lot of weight on her, and she's only finally started to work to get it off.

However, my mom's fiancé I would place a lot of this with, he's an asshole. Same with my older sister Joanna's husband. They're both cruel mocking people. To her and myself especially. And I see know how they are.


I'm not sure if she's throwing up at school. But she spends a good 70% of the week at my house. 20% is school and 10% is home. So it is possible during those times she is.

 

[RJDiogenes]

After going through all those traumas listed, a person really needs some counseling. You might also want to suggest that she join an online community like TrekBBS; that will give her lots of people to talk to, which is likely to make her feel better.

That's a subtle marketing ploy.

Heh. If I was marketing, I'd tell you to send her to ReNext.

It's just that online communities are a lot different than real life. Sure, some of them suck, but the good ones allow you to be yourself and talk about the things that matter to you, and it doesn't matter where you've been or what's happened to you before. You meet a lot of people who understand what it means to be hurt and alone, and who are willing to give you support. For a lot of folks, just having a place to come to and socialize relieves the pressure of what they feel is social exile. TrekBBS is a great place for that, and there are others.

I mean, check out this Thread: She's got a bunch of new friends already and she's not even here yet.

 

[HoneyBLilly]

I actually like the games-of-chance idea a lot.

Considering practical adult skills, does she have a job? New social circle, money, exercise. Although maybe she's a bit too young for that, and maybe underqualified: I think you need a master's degree for the average checker position.

No job. We live in the 14th hardest place to get a job in America, and that's just for adults, imagine how hard it is for teens.

She has tried. But she never even got calls for interviews.

She walks five miles from school to her house on the occasional day I'm not feeling having guests, which isn't a lot, if she comes here it's a two and a half mile walk.

Those are her thoughts, almost exactly.

My powers are strong today

I think I understand how she perceives the world, but I'm not sure what the solution is.

With the words of reassurance that I suggested up thread, as well as finding ways in which she's a good omen, here are some more thoughts...

I get the impression that she has some wrong priorities. The thing with the mirror whispering and the prom and being bothered about not being kissed sound reminiscent of people who believe they won't be complete until they get married, as if achieving these things is necessary for their self esteem.

I think her focus needs to be drawn away from those goals, because as long as she dwells on these thoughts, her situation will be self-seeding.

I think she needs to look for happiness outside of school, and care less about what the people at school say and do. She may need a helping hand to do that.

For example, have you done makeup evenings with her? Definitely not to try and impress her peers, just for fun and giggles between you two in private. It may help to boost her self esteem.

Or if she enjoys her food, then teach her how to cook, (or more discretely, asking her to help you while you learn to cook) and she can feel proud of that and build up her self esteem with practical adult skills.

If she does believe in good/bad luck, then add an optimistic slant to that by dropping comments discretely into conversation, such as "you were lucky to get that." Playing games of chance may also help her to see luck from a more realistic perspective.

I don't exactly wear makeup . . . . I haven't since I lost fifty pounds during my senior year. And even then I never learned the methods to makeup.

I could buy a few books in a few weeks after my husband gets paid.

Cooking would be easy. But she hasn't talked to me since last night.

And the obsession, I wouldn't doubt it. She gets angry that our two older sister's got the legs and that she didn't. I had that same anger as well, maybe I should take her shopping for high heels.