How do I have sex with my girlfriend?

[Gaith]

How do I have sex with girlfriend?

Carefully, I hope?

Beat me to it!


... And on the serious side, I second the question of whether you've got any friends that may be able to help out. Also, I don't know how large a town you live in, but maybe AirBnB could help? Friendly people, rather cheaper than most hotels... If you were straightforward about your intentions to prospective hosts, you might find a sympathetic soul - a single woman with a flat to herself, for instance - who could trust you two to have the run of her place while she goes out and sees a movie or something. Might still cost you a bit, but would probably be a lot cozier/less sketchy-feeling than a cheap motel.

In short, possibilities abound for the enterprising Trekker. Get creative! No guts, no glory.

 

[Australis]

MadBaggins? That you?

 

[DonIago]

I thought the same thing, but the initial post didn't read enough like an awful B-movie.

 

[Kestra]

Just wanted to say don't do it in your car. You think you're in a totally isolated place and then a cop knocks on the window and it's a massive scramble to get clothes on. So I've heard.

 

[Stardate]

You could always invite your mom to join in.

Ewww...

Yeah not good

 

[DonIago]

It's only not good if she agrees.

 

[SeerSGB]

It's only not good if she agrees.

- Not good if she [Mother] agrees
- Worse if Mother agrees and the girlfriend gets really excited and turned on by the ideal.

 

[Gaith]

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[DonIago]

Aww puppies!!!

 

[scotpens]

Just wanted to say don't do it in your car. You think you're in a totally isolated place and then a cop knocks on the window and it's a massive scramble to get clothes on. So I've heard.

Plus, there's the escaped killer with the hook.

 

[Peach Wookiee]

You couldn't do it in a tent in the backyard?

 

[Gaith]

^ Pitching a tent in a tent? Not very subtle...

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

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Awwww...

 

[Peach Wookiee]

^ Pitching a tent in a tent? Not very subtle...

 

[Lt. Cheka Wey]

Don't you a have a cool uncle or a brother?

 

[Avon]

i think the 'play loud music' advice would work. i suggest:

[yt]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fe_jReMm-R4[/yt]

 

[Captain Kathryn]

Go camping?

 

[Mike Farley]

Underground Sex club?

 

[Jimi_James]

First, find a paper clip, a broomstick, and a roll of toilet paper.

Open the paper clip and use the pointed end to depress the button on your stereo. Repeat as necessary until your find the proper mood music. Set it to cover any embarrassing squeaking noises from the bedsprings.

Use the broomstick to mark off a minimum safe distance to maintain away from your parent's bedroom wall and any other walls. Move the bed to that point in the middle of the room.

Take the roll of toilet paper and put it behind your head as an extra barrier above a pillow to prevent banging your or her head into the headboard.

Problem solved.

Well played sir. Well played.


I suggest you tell your mother you saw rats...multiple rats or some other type of pest and that upon taking the initiative, you called an exterminator only to find out the problem is so serious that you'll have to evacuate your home for at least 24 hours (possibly longer, if you're feeling up to it) while the pests are removed. Mention something about deadly chemicals that could render you dead if inhaled.

Have your mother rent a hotel room and tell her you'll be staying over at a friends house. Once your mother has left and thinks you've left as well, invite your girlfriend over and proceed to have coitus. And since your mother will be gone for some time, feel free to engage in coitus multiple times.

 

[Rhaven]

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Puppies!