Guilt Trips

[Gryffindorian]

Have you ever done something terrible or unpleasant that has made you feel bad about yourself? Well, I have on occasion, and it's usually involved my family.

Yesterday my mom and I went shopping at the mall. Normally, it doesn't take us very long to shop around or browse through the stores, but lately it's taking her at least a couple of hours to do her shopping--and she's not a big spender or anything. She had called me on my cell phone earlier saying she was in the fitting room, and I was about done with my shopping at that time and agreed to meet her near the store entrance.

So I walked around and sat near the entrance, fiddling with my smart phone. About 30 minutes later, I decided to call and check up on her. That was 2 1/2 hours after we'd arrived at the mall. As usual, it took her five minutes to answer her cell, and she said she was still trying some clothes on. I waited again, getting frustrated by the minute.

At this point, I got so tired of waiting and left to go to Target. Then she called asking where I was. She called again and left a message. Then she called a number of times, asking where I was and that she was ready to go. To make a long story short ... Upset with my mother, I drove home and deserted her at the mall, where she was later picked up by another relative.

I felt terrible; I still do. I'm not trying to make excuses or justify what I did, but this wasn't the only time I felt she was inconsiderate about other people's schedule. Last time we went to the same mall, she had roamed around for two hours looking for a "special lotion" that she didn't even find. She didn't even buy anything! Then we spent another half-hour looking for a gift she wanted to get someone, which she ended up not getting anyway. It wasn't like she was on a budget or anything. On top of that, she asked if we could go to another mall to find the stuff she was looking for, which I flat out refused because we'd already wasted enough time. Surely, I've got better things to do than chauffeur her around like Driving Miss Daisy.

So there it is. I admit it. I'm a jerk. I'm a douche. I'm an ass. I just wanted to get this out of my system.

 

[Kestra]

I don't know why you felt the need to confess this to us but I find it a little disturbing. You ignored your mother's phone calls and left her stranded at a mall without a ride, not even bothering to let her know what was happening. If you really had to leave, you could have helped her make other arrangements. Or left and come back for her. Or not taken her in the first place, given your previous experience.

I mean I don't know your mother and if she is some horrible person but this really seems unjustified. And that you'd come here and tell us about it is just strange. Poor show.

 

[Alpha Romeo]

Why would you want to go shopping with your mom anyways? Unless you're a girl?

 

[trampledamage]

I don't know why you felt the need to confess this to us but I find it a little disturbing. You ignored your mother's phone calls and left her stranded at a mall without a ride, not even bothering to let her know what was happening. If you really had to leave, you could have helped her make other arrangements. Or left and come back for her. Or not taken her in the first place, given your previous experience.

I mean I don't know your mother and if she is some horrible person but this really seems unjustified. And that you'd come here and tell us about it is just strange. Poor show.

Agreed - at least you could have phoned/messaged her and said "Bored now, going home. Phone someone else for a ride."

You'd still be a douche, but you wouldn't have actually caused your mom to panic about you having a heart attack (which is what I would have been doing if my calls went unanswered).

 

[Shatnertage]

So there it is. I admit it. I'm a jerk. I'm a douche. I'm an ass. I just wanted to get this out of my system.

I'm not going to argue against you.

We've all gotten irritated waiting for other people, but at one point or another we've probably made them wait. Just abandoning your mom seems excessive. A simple "call me when you're ready" might have sufficed.

 

[RobertVA]

In my opinion in these two situations "guilt" is a two way street.

Those who are dependent on others for transportation need to be considerate about the duration of their trips when possible. An understanding has to exist at the beginning of the trip between them and their "chauffeur" about the duration and distance of the shopping trip, with due consideration of the chauffeur's plans for the remainder of the day and/or evening. When someone is dependent on others for their transportation they are also going to need adjustments in the lengths to which they will search for those challenging to find items. Another important consideration for both parties is prompt arrival at any point where they planned to meet for the return trip.

Unless the "chauffeur" is on the brink of really losing their temper (calling names, shouting or worse) leaving their rider at some location away from their residence would be going too far. The objections and any reluctance to offer future rides need to be discussed, with due respect for the identities of the two parties, once the transportation dependent is safely home. Avoid leaving the person needing transportation in a situation where they can't arrange for alternate transportation (see remark above about tenuous temper)

 

[Jadzia]

You were doing your mum a good turn by taking her shopping.

But you felt she was abusing your kindness by not respecting your schedule.

You felt that she was wrong and unthoughtful, and causing you suffering by making you wait longer than you wanted to wait.

You chose to reflect that suffering back at her by being unthoughtful yourself and making her wait for another ride.

She did not see your actions as being equal to her actions. And in retrospect, you're not sure you do either, so you feel guilt.

The remedy is to explain to her how strongly you feel about being made to wait longer than you agreed, and to both understand how you've hurt each other.

Then make amends, and remind her again how important it is to you that she respect agreed upon times.

 

[Yeoman Randi]

Not going to add to your guilt. You're doing fine with that all by yourself. Apologize for leaving her stranded and have a real sit down wither her as to what bothered you about the whole thing. And then move on. Beating yourself up is not going to help the situation. We've all done shitty things to people we love. Learn from this and move on. {{{squishy hug}}}

 

[Mr Awe]

Leaving without telling her that you were going to leave was bad. However, her leaving you waiting also wasn't the nicest thing she could've done.

What you should've done, and what you should do next time, is set some expectations at the beginning about how long you wanted to be at the store. If you're the one giving the rides, it's fair to say that you'll be at the mall for 2 hours. "Meet me here by such and such time if you want a ride home." A courtesy call, if she's running late, would be nice saying that you're leaving in 15 minutes.

Mr Awe

 

[Amaris]

Yeah, I was with ya up until the abandonment part. We all get upset at our families, and mothers (or fathers, or both) can be overbearing at times, but I'd never abandon them like that. Now that I've made things worse (sorry), the best thing to do is take the advice given so far. Apologize, explain why you became frustrated, work out a better schedule for shopping together. Both of you can be respected in this.

 

[Gryffindorian]

Thank you all for your feedback. In case you were wondering why I bothered to post my personal/family issues here, I guess that's part of my nature. I wanted to vent. I know I've done wrong, which I freely admit, and I don't expect any absolution. It's quite simple - I've mistreated someone, I feel like dirt, and I deserve to feel that way. Jadzia, I think you've explained the situation very well, much better than I hoped to make sense of it myself.

 

[Yeoman Randi]

I have to give you a lot of credit for posting this here. I'm sure many of us would rather not admit making such a boo boo in such a public forum. And many would be very defensive about what they did ("she deserved it, etc") So for that, i applaud you. You're braver than me.

So, talk to your mom now and work things out so that this doesn't happen again.

 

[Gryffindorian]

Thanks, Randi. I would like to emphasize I'm not here to justify or make excuses for what I did, nor am I the kind of person who "confesses" to some wrongdoings merely to clear his/her conscience. I admit I could have handled the situation better and more maturely, but I acted and reacted based on negative emotions and poor judgment. I need to grow up.