Grief ~ and how to deal with it.

[MANT!]

K'Elhyer, and doubleohfive, really it's best to be open with your emotions in such situations

My wife and I went down to Brazil to be tourists, but also to get back in touch with friends, family, and especially to see my wife's mother's grave..Odete came to the USA in 2001, and didn't have the money to go see her mother while she was dying, or attend her funeral in 2004..so we went to the graveside in Santa Maria. We spent nearly 2 hours at the grave, and Odete wailed like I've never heard a woman cry, and it was infectious, I found myself crying for the memory of a woman that I'd never got a chance to meet, the emotions Odete projected were that powerful....We ended up crying together..I've NEVER seen her that sad before...And it hurt... But she felt better afterwords..BECAUSE of the grief I had shown as well...Brazilian men often cry in public..It's expected for things such as death in the family..even more for delayed grief..and is no stain on the masculinity there..

Grief is much better shared...So please, let your emotions out, by doing that, you honor your friend's memory much more than maintaining an even strain.

 

[Thespeckledkiwi]

What makes me...weird and infuriates a lot of people is that death doesn't affect me much. I have maybe one or two rough days mainly because of other people, but I am usually okay with people dying. I am not cold or emotionless, I am just...logical. I tend to keep to myself for a few days as I figure out everything but I am usually okay.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

Thanks all and goldbug that's a powerful story what a great thing to do.
Am off to funeral now ~ hankies packed.

 

[Jan]

I used to host an online grief and loss chat after my parents and a sister died and there's a lot that nobody seems to tell us about grief.

- It's a very strong emotion. Keep it bottled up and it'll end up manifesting some other way.
- It's a process. You need to feel it and get through it. The 'five stages' is a fairly good indicator (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) but what nobody tells you is that it's not necessarily a nice linear process. Sometimes two or three of the them gang up on you at once.
- It'll probably last longer than you expect. Expect to get some hard 'punches' to the heart regularly for the first year at least. After all, you've got a lot of 'first (birthday, anniversary, etc.) without' your loved one.
- Don't worry about 'keeping a stiff upper lip' around other people who loved the person who died. Seeing you grieve may help them.
- And most important of all - if you're feeling it, yes, it's normal. Sometimes there's a period of numbness, other times you may have to wear sunglasses to hide your red eyes. You may need to find a grief counselor if what's going on with you interferes with your everyday life for a long time, otherwise, know that you're experiencing normal feelings.

Best wishes to those who've lost loved ones,
Jan

 

[Yeoman Randi]

<snip>

Thank you re; my nephew. Yeah, in a way we were afraid it would happen, but at the same time, we never expected it. It was a mix of a bad heart and drug use. He was a beautiful kid and the world really lost something special when we lost him.

That's terrible. It's a tragedy to lose somebody at such a young age.

Thanks, it really was a tragedy in his case. I said "bad heart" but it was really his arteries. He was only 20 but he had a 90% blockage in one and a 60% in the other. He didn't have enough drugs in his system to kill him but they think it was a combination of the two that did it. He really was a genius and such a good soul. I do believe in that genius/mental illness thin line.

Anyway, sharing grief really does help.

My dad (who was my best friend) has been gone since 2003, and there are STILL moments that i forget and i think, "i have to call him and tell him about THAT!". Those moments are so fleeting b/c i then remember he is gone.
And there are still days when something will come up and i will suddenly cry.

My condolences to everyone who has posted in this thread and has lost someone.


K, i'll be thinking of you and your friend today.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

What makes me...weird and infuriates a lot of people is that death doesn't affect me much. I have maybe one or two rough days mainly because of other people, but I am usually okay with people dying. I am not cold or emotionless, I am just...logical. I tend to keep to myself for a few days as I figure out everything but I am usually okay.

You're very much like my Man. I did have to coerce him to come with me today as he felt he shouldn't as he didn't know Marion. Which I understand but I needed him. He had a drink in the bar whilst I went to the 'room' and chatted. And he missed out on the buffet! But I know he hates any social occasion, especially with people he does not know. I was very grateful for the company in the car there and back though.
Everyone deals with it differently.

I used to host an online grief and loss chat after my parents and a sister died and there's a lot that nobody seems to tell us about grief.

- It's a very strong emotion. Keep it bottled up and it'll end up manifesting some other way.
- It's a process. You need to feel it and get through it. The 'five stages' is a fairly good indicator (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) but what nobody tells you is that it's not necessarily a nice linear process. Sometimes two or three of the them gang up on you at once.
- It'll probably last longer than you expect. Expect to get some hard 'punches' to the heart regularly for the first year at least. After all, you've got a lot of 'first (birthday, anniversary, etc.) without' your loved one.
- Don't worry about 'keeping a stiff upper lip' around other people who loved the person who died. Seeing you grieve may help them.
- And most important of all - if you're feeling it, yes, it's normal. Sometimes there's a period of numbness, other times you may have to wear sunglasses to hide your red eyes. You may need to find a grief counselor if what's going on with you interferes with your everyday life for a long time, otherwise, know that you're experiencing normal feelings.

Best wishes to those who've lost loved ones,
Jan

Thank you Jan. I think the punches will hit Jane in a couple of weeks. Her PetaQ of a husband did not even make into the crematoriam before the coffin was laid and she was clearly distressed as he was reading the first lesson.
But her children behaved perfectly and she held it all together.
But I do want to get her away in a couple of week for a good wail!

<snip>

Thank you re; my nephew. Yeah, in a way we were afraid it would happen, but at the same time, we never expected it. It was a mix of a bad heart and drug use. He was a beautiful kid and the world really lost something special when we lost him.

That's terrible. It's a tragedy to lose somebody at such a young age.

Thanks, it really was a tragedy in his case. I said "bad heart" but it was really his arteries. He was only 20 but he had a 90% blockage in one and a 60% in the other. He didn't have enough drugs in his system to kill him but they think it was a combination of the two that did it. He really was a genius and such a good soul. I do believe in that genius/mental illness thin line.

Anyway, sharing grief really does help.

My dad (who was my best friend) has been gone since 2003, and there are STILL moments that i forget and i think, "i have to call him and tell him about THAT!". Those moments are so fleeting b/c i then remember he is gone.
And there are still days when something will come up and i will suddenly cry.

My condolences to everyone who has posted in this thread and has lost someone.


K, i'll be thinking of you and your friend today.

Thank you Randi. I do think sharing stories helps.
The service was lovely and well attended.
At the 'reception' I bumped into a couple of guys that I'd met at Marion and her husband's 70th birthday 6 years ago. They took a load of us to a country hotel and apparently I kept these two, Marion's husband Paul and Jane's brother up drinking brandy until the early hours!

But just chatting about how lovely Marion was and how I still have her letters ~ to which, obviously being men, they remarked 'you wrote letters?' Was just really great and helped me remember her. And they agreed that Marion would have loved my feathers and fishnets!

Thank you all for your replies, that's all from me.
But if it helps keep it open ~ doubleoh, let us know.

 

[freak]

So sorry to hear of recent losses. I'm not dealing with death per-se, but I am dealing with the loss of a good friend over a simple misunderstanding. There's a bunch of personal issues as well..it does suck and I'm kinda depressed over it, but realize that it is for the best at this moment. Tonight was the last night ever that we are gonna hang out anymore. We won't even communicate anymore like we did either. But if I want to call him, I will..just not sure if I will or not. Grief does take time..and it does come in waves.

 

[doubleohfive]

I just found out it was a ruptured cerebral aneurysm that ended up taking Katie from us. I thought having some kind of answers would help. Right now they aren't. I just keep thinking about how I'll never hear her voice again and it just sucks right now. She was such a sweet girl.

 

[RJDiogenes]

I know what you mean. It seems random and unfair-- because it is.