Grief ~ and how to deal with it.

[K'Ehleyr]

There have been a couple of sad announcements of posters' loses recently. I am so sorry to hear of them.

I can empathise with your pain.
My best friend's (Jane) Mum died last week and tomorrow is the funeral. I am a total wreck at the thought of going. Marion was a friend to me too and was a beautiful, wonderful woman and my friend is in pieces. Jane is married (but to a man she is having problems with) and has 3 children that she must remain strong for. But I just know I'm going to be useless tomorrow. I cried when arranging time off work and I cried today buying the flowers.

How do you put a brave face on? I'm British for goodness sake it should be easy, but for some reason this one has hit me hard.
So apart from the nails in the palm of the hand and big sunglasses ~ how do you keep it together at a funeral?

 

[1001001]

Why do you feel you have to hold it together? That's not natural, and your body will fight it.

I've lost both my mother and my sister. My opinion is that grief is like a giant tidal wave. Best to just let it wash over you. Eventually, it will pass.

Hang in there. It's great that you're there for your friend.

 

[Withers]

My mother is British and from her I have assimilated that "must hold it together at all costs" notion in public. Having lived in the United States for a while though I've found that its often better not to try when you know there's really no hope of it. It just feels better to let go. When my father died I was a complete disaster area for months and I stopped caring who knew about it. I barely ate, I didn't shave, I always had bags under my eyes, and my conversation was at best curt. That's just how I deal with extreme grief- I let it consume me until its finished with me. After a few months it started to get better and little by little I found myself again.

Obviously, it won't be as extreme in other people (in most of them anyway), but I've found through that experience that its best not to fight what you feel by trying to be stronger than you are. I know how hard that can be. It's 4 years later and my mother, who still refuses to break down about his untimely death, still hick ups and stutters and holds back what is obviously a great swell of emotion under the surface when he is mentioned. It isn't...healthy.

Anyway, I'm very sorry for your loss. Were I you I would encourage your friend by example; sharing grief makes it easier to cope with. Regardless of how you ultimately deal at the funeral I hope it works out for the best for everyone involved.

-Withers-​

 

[K'Ehleyr]

Thank you digits and Withers for sharing your stories.

I do believe in 'letting it all out'. Jane came over the Friday before her Mum died and we both knew it was going to happen, probably in the coming week.
We did have a good drink, held hands, talked of Marion and a damn good cry and I really hoped that had released it all ~ obviously not!
What I find odd is that when my Nan and Grandad died ~ they bought me up, I was fine.
Why is this different?
I think it's because it's my best friend and I hate to see her so hurt? I can cope with my own lose but not hers?
Is this grief by proxy? I'm making a joke here ~ I need to!

 

[Yeoman Randi]

Aw K'Ehleyr, my deepest condolences to you and your friend. {{{squishy hug, even if you don't want one.}}}

I wear my heart on my sleeve and everyone always knows how i'm feeling at any given time, so i can't say you should 'contain yourself'. In fact, i think that if your friend sees how much pain you are in, it is a help to her. And, really, not to make a joke out of a somber situation, but as long as you aren't throwing yourself on top of the coffin, i do think you should let your feelings out as you feel them. Believe me, when i lost my 20 year old nephew, it was a great comfort to see other's feeling the way i did.

Again, i am so sorry for your loss.

 

[Gryffindorian]

K'Ehleyr, my condolences for your loss. You don't have to hide your grief. You're also doing an important thing by offering your moral support to your friend. Just being there for her helps.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

^Thanks Randi and thanks for the hug
I have bought new handkerchiefs for the occasion and will only wear mascara on top lashes! I've also bought a fascinator with big black feathers (thanks for the idea TSQ) and fishnets to wear with my suede skirt, I'm going total Glam ~ Marion would love it!
As for your nephew, 20 is just too young to die, I am so sorry.

Thanks Drone, I'm thinking Jane will have enough to do on the day but am determined to get her round for a slap up champagne dinner a few weeks afterwards for a private send off for her fabulous Mum. Then at least, at home, I won't feel like a weeping red-eyed mess!

 

[Yeoman Randi]

K, what is a 'fascinator'?

Thank you re; my nephew. Yeah, in a way we were afraid it would happen, but at the same time, we never expected it. It was a mix of a bad heart and drug use. He was a beautiful kid and the world really lost something special when we lost him.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

K, what is a 'fascinator'?

Thank you re; my nephew. Yeah, in a way we were afraid it would happen, but at the same time, we never expected it. It was a mix of a bad heart and drug use. He was a beautiful kid and the world really lost something special when we lost him.

Oh that is so sad but you can't tell kids anything.

A fascinator is really just a hairband but with fabulous 'stuff' on. Mine's long black feathers ~ looks like a have a tarantula on my head

 

[trampledamage]

Thanks Drone, I'm thinking Jane will have enough to do on the day but am determined to get her round for a slap up champagne dinner a few weeks afterwards for a private send off for her fabulous Mum. Then at least, at home, I won't feel like a weeping red-eyed mess!

This is a very good idea. As you've said she has three children, so I think her attention on the day is going to be on them. She's going to need an outlet for her grief when they aren't looking - and I think your dinner will be the perfect thing for her.

With regards to the day, don't try to keep the emotion in, but if you can, keep an eye on Jane and the kids - she might need you to step in to give her a moment.

 

[ancientone51]

1. Be honest in your emotions...true tears are beautiful under these sad circumstances

2. BE THERE for her later, as you are planning

3. Find something to laugh about, either Marion, the weather, Marion AND the weather...humor may seem inappropriate, but laughter truelly is the best medicine.
The joke about my dad and the last rites was perfect

4. lend a hand with the kids, I truely think a kid wrangler should be at any and all funerals that have kids...that said, hubby's niece's 3 year old was amazingly mature at the service

'Bout all I can cover now. Know that we are here for you and Zen hugs to all

 

[Emher]

My deepest condolences K'Ehleyr. And as others have said, just let it have it's course. You can't hold some things in. I've been lucky enough to not lose anyone close to me yet, except for a few beloved pets. Although last time that happened and we had to put down our little American cocker spaniel Keiran, I lost it. I just cried for 15 minutes straight after I got the call from mom that he was gone, sitting on the loading dock behind work. I had to excuse myself from work, just couldn't stop crying. Kept crying the whole way home and a lot at home. But the next day I felt much better because of that release.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

Thanks Trample and ancient. I do like the idea of a total family/kid free send off for Marion afterwards. It will be after Easter now before we could get together but I've been looking at some beautiful silver photo lockets on-line and would love to be able to get an antique one from Marion's birth date to give to Jane.
That's not too yuck is it?

Thanks Emher, losing a pet is very traumatic. And crying is the best thing ~ but, and it's the British coming out in me, not at the actual funeral.
I have no idea why people think we're uptight, emotionless asseholes

 

[cultcross]

I'm absolutely useless at funerals, even if it's not someone I knew all that well, I'm too empathic, I just feel wretched for the people that love them.
I went to my grandmother's earlier this year, I thought I was doing really well at remaining British, but it was looking at the flowers afterwards, I looked at what my grandfather had written and it struck me that they'd been together over 65 years. How do you even comprehend that kind of loss? And that's when my stiff upper lip fell apart
In short, there's no point in trying to be 'strong' at funerals, if you're a crier, you'll cry, and it won't do you any good to stop yourself.

 

[ancientone51]

The locket idea is totally cool.

The coolest picture you could find of Marion inside would be the icing on the cake.

 

[RJDiogenes]

My best friend's (Jane) Mum died last week and tomorrow is the funeral.

Sorry to hear that. There's really no need to keep a stiff upper lip at wakes and funerals. And there's no reason not to laugh, either. There's a lot of storytelling that surrounds a person's death, and that easily leads to both tears and laughter.

Thank you re; my nephew. Yeah, in a way we were afraid it would happen, but at the same time, we never expected it. It was a mix of a bad heart and drug use. He was a beautiful kid and the world really lost something special when we lost him.

That's terrible. It's a tragedy to lose somebody at such a young age.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

I'm absolutely useless at funerals, even if it's not someone I knew all that well, I'm too empathic, I just feel wretched for the people that love them.
I went to my grandmother's earlier this year, I thought I was doing really well at remaining British, but it was looking at the flowers afterwards, I looked at what my grandfather had written and it struck me that they'd been together over 65 years. How do you even comprehend that kind of loss? And that's when my stiff upper lip fell apart
In short, there's no point in trying to be 'strong' at funerals, if you're a crier, you'll cry, and it won't do you any good to stop yourself.

65 years?! That's wonderful ~ and totally sad in the same way.

And what to write on the card ~ blimey another stress. I really should have got 3 of the free 'with sympathy' cards from the florist because I ended up cutting up Christmas cards to make others because I couldn't spell 'who'

Yes, tears will be shed, as well they should! Maybe I'm not totally British after all?

The locket idea is totally cool.

The coolest picture you could find of Marion inside would be the icing on the cake.

Aha! Excellent plan. I must leave my email address with her brother tomorrow to get some sent! Thanks ancientone

 

[doubleohfive]

I'm having a hell of a time. My friend passed away on Friday while on vacation in Australia. Still waiting to hear back about what it was she died from ... and weirdly, I'm finding I am ok for windows of time and then out of nowhere just become completely inconsolable. I'll get back you.

 

[1001001]

I'm having a hell of a time. My friend passed away on Friday while on vacation in Australia. Still waiting to hear back about what it was she died from ... and weirdly, I'm finding I am ok for windows of time and then out of nowhere just become completely inconsolable. I'll get back you.

That's exactly how I was when my mother died. It came in waves.

 

[pookha]

condolences to K'Ehleyr and doubleofive..

K'Ehleyr,being there for your friend at the funeral is wonderful.
but sometime in the future there may be another wave of grief for her and be prepared to just get her out so she can talk or just do something.

each person deals with grief in their own way.
some people feel it profoundly but dont show it much outside.
at least not at first.

support for grieving

i dont know if the above might be of help but some of it is similar to what i heard from alive hopsice when my mother died.