Funny one-sentence descriptions of DS9 episodes

[Oddish]

Nice! But you forgot "PROFIT AND LOSS".

Nine seasons and counting, so I forgot one.

Profit and Loss: Quark loves and loses... again.

On to... SEASON 3!

The Search Part 1: DS9 gets the coolest starship ever.

The Search Part 2: Odo finally finds what he was looking for, and it's his worst nightmare (assuming changelings dream).

The House of Quark: Ferengi, Cardassian, Klingon... what will Quark do next?

Equilibrium: We find out the consequences of Trill symbiosis gone wrong.

Second Skin: Kira gets a makeover... Cardassian style.

Second Skin (reloaded): "A pity, I rather liked him"... what does Garak do with people he doesn't like?

The Abandoned: We find out that some people really ARE born evil.

Meridian: Dax climbs a tree, then almost destroys a planet.

Civil Defense: Dukat gets caught in his own trap.

Defiant (II): Kira gets seriously smacked down by Bashir.

Past Tense I: The crew go back to the future.

Past Tense II: Sisko runs amok with a shotgun... getting some deja vu here.

Life Support: Sometimes love means knowing when to let go...

 

[Oddish]

"NECESSARY EVIL" - Terok Noir.

Nice.

SECOND SIGHT" - The people from "Half a Life" could have used his services...

He was probably 61, so they told him to piss off.

I'm not one to wish death on innocents, even imaginary ones, but there would be an element of poetic justice if that civilization was wiped out because they killed the only guy who knew how to save them.

THE ALTERNATE" - Jekyll and Hyde, but gooey.

 

[kkt]

Second Skin (reloaded): "A pity, I rather liked him"... what does Garak do with people he doesn't like?

The same thing, he just enjoys it more.

 

[Weyoun 251]

Dax - I'm with Starfleet; we don't lie

 

[Oddish]

On we goooo...

Heart of Stone: Yes, Founders CAN perfectly imitate humanoids.

Destiny: Guardians and Ghosts and guns and space magic... oops, wrong franchise.

Destiny (for real): Sisko learns to have some respect for Bajoran prophecies.

Prophet Motive: Given that Zek later completely transformed Ferengi society... no, I don't think they actually changed him back either.

Distant Voices: Julian and Garak's Bogus Mind-trip.

Through the Looking Glass: Mirror Sisko is dead, Mirror Rom is dead, Mirror Bashir is totally boring.

Improbable Cause: Garak's shop goes PFOOOM!

The Die is Cast: Once again, the Dominion proves to be a step ahead in the game.

 

[Farscape One]

Here is the rest of season 2...

"WHISPERS" - No version of O'Brien is safe from suffering.

"PARADISE" - O'Brien proves he's the MacGyver of STAR TREK.

"SHADOWPLAY" - Holo-House On the Prairie.

"PLAYING GOD" - Who knew navigating between bleu cheese crumbles would be this hard?

"PROFIT AND LOSS" - Politics is a REALLY messy business.

"BLOOD OATH" - (singing) I'm on the hunt, I'm after you.

"THE MAQUIS, PART I" - Going from leader of the Tri-Lambs to being a lamb to the slaughter.

"THE MAQUIS, PART II" - Maybe they should have let them keep Dukat...

"THE WIRE" - (singing) Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies... because they're ALL true.

"CROSSOVER" - I wonder what the Alliance did when they found out about the wormhole...

"THE COLLABORATOR" - Kai Winn...ing.

"TRIBUNAL" - Giving O'Brien a break is like pulling teeth...

"THE JEM'HADAR" - Purple scarabs take on Starfleet's best class ship... and wins.

I will see if l can get season 3 started tomorrow.

 

[Farscape One]

I couldn't help myself, so I just knocked out season 3. I'm surprised at myself for getting this season done so quickly.


"THE SEARCH, PART I" - Now entering the stage: Sisko's pimp hand.

"THE SEARCH, PART II" - (singing) Head games.

"THE HOUSE OF QUARK" - Easiest way to confuse a Klingon: explain finances.

"EQUILIBRIUM" - A tune to die for.

"SECOND SKIN" - Being a father, running a space station, using extortion on a tailor... just another day at the office.

"THE ABANDONED" - DO NOT play dom-jot with Jake 'The Hustler' Sisko.

"CIVIL DEFENSE" - There's nothing civil about this defense.

"MERIDIAN" - Now entering the stage: Jeffrey Combs!

"DEFIANT" - Was Riker on the list of things Kira must fully enjoy before leaving Quark's?

"FASCINATION" - (singing) Love is in the air...

"PAST TENSE, PART I" - Starfleet uniforms = clown outfits.

"PAST TENSE, PART II" - The goatee and shaved head was really missed here.

"LIFE SUPPORT" - Bashir creates his own version of Frankenstein's monster.

"HEART OF STONE" - It's time to rock!

"DESTINY" - Vipers, swords, rivers being moved... I need more metaphors!

"PROPHET MOTIVE" - If never keep profit, a good smile... honesty!

"VISIONARY" - A new record on how many times O'Brien can be tortured in the same episode is reached.

"DISTANT VOICES" - Bashir lives out a Kurlan Neskos right before our eyes.

"IMPROBABLE CAUSE" - A different lesson learned from 'The Boy Who Cried Wolf'.

"THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS" - It's a good thing there are so many Ferengi characters on this show...

"THE DIE IS CAST" - (Admiral Akbar's voice) It's a trap!

"EXPLORERS" - (singing) Solar sailing, takes me away...

"FAMILY BUSINESS" - Ishka is making it rain... latinum!

"SHAKAAR" - Kira FINALLY gets the last word with Winn.

"FACETS" - A different version of talking to yourselves.

"THE ADVERSARY" - First he gets his pimp hand, then he grows the goatee, and now he gets his 4th pip... Sisko is missing just one thing.


I think I will give my brain a break tonight. I think I can do some season 4 episodes tomorrow.

 

[Oddish]

Oooo, I have some competition!

Explorers: [sings to the opening tune from HMS Pinafore]
We sail the ocean black,
Our Bajoran ship's a beauty;
As a writer, Jake's no hack
And he's pointing Dad at booty!

Family Business: Since women on Ferenginar can't wear clothes... how did Ishka get a women's gown?

Shakaar: Thankfully, this time Winn doesn't win.

Facets: Odo and Quark have a magical first kiss.

The Adversary: When they said no changeling has ever harmed another... well, you were kind of expecting it, weren't you?

The Way of the Warrior (other): Rumble in Ops.

The Visitor: And you thought that hypospray Jake used was medicine...

 

[Oddish]

Onward through Season 4... I do have to say, without ellipses, parentheses, and semicolons, this exercise would be a lot harder.

Indiscretion: Dukat has to deal with pains in rear end, both figurative and literal.

Rejoined: Dax kisses another woman... and something else happens but no one really paid attention because Dax kissed a frickin' woman!

Starship Down: The Hunt for Red October but with starships.

Little Green Men: Well, maybe if you have an old TV that has a tint knob and you turned it all the way over, Quark's face would look green...

The Sword of Kahless: Underwhelming Klingon fanservice episode.

Our Man Bashir: Anyone else think Sisko should have played the merc character?

Homefront: Changelings have shown up on Earth and everyone loses it.

Paradise Lost: Best way to deal with Changelings on Earth is act like you don't care.

Sons of Mogh: Hasta la vista Kurn.

Bar Association: Given that union-busting on Ferenginar involves attacking the employer, it's amazing that unions haven't taken over the place.

Accession: Sisko is overjoyed that he doesn't have to be the Emissary anymore (but changes his mind pretty fast), Kira finds out she really sucks as an artist, the O'Brien family is expanding, and Keiko reminds her husband that it's OK to have friends.

Halfway there...

 

[Trekker09]

You guys are on fire!
Might need a better one for “Meridian.”

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

Meridian: Dax considers a Brigadoon honeymoon;Quark deepfakes Kira, so she photoshops him.

 

[kkt]

Oooo, I have some competition!

Explorers: [sings to the opening tune from HMS Pinafore]
We sail the ocean black,
Our Bajoran ship's a beauty;
As a writer, Jake's no hack
And he's pointing Dad at booty!

Love Gilbert & Sullivan!

Family Business: Since women on Ferenginar can't wear clothes... how did Ishka get a women's gown?

Replicator, with a pattern from offworld?

 

[Oddish]

Quark deepfakes Kira, so she photoshops him.

You win.

Replicator, with a pattern from offworld?

Do Ferengi have replicator tech? Rom seemed surprised that Ishka had acquired so many knickknacks.

A few more...

Rules of Engagement: "Klingon" and "Prosecuting Attorney"... they just don't quite go together, do they?

Hard Time: The ultimate "O'Brien must suffer" episode... and that's saying something!

Shattered Mirror: The Mirror Universe really sucks if you're a Ferengi!

For the Cause: Alt-Jennifer gone, Kassidy's locked up... Sisko's love life is taking a beating, isn't it?

To the Death: Iconian gateways, Dominion discipline, Jem'Hadar battle-axes, and the first of many Weyoun deaths.

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

Body Parts: Kira gets a new womb-mate, and Quark gets bad news and worse news.

 

[Weyoun 251]

You win.



Do Ferengi have replicator tech? Rom seemed surprised that Ishka had acquired so many knickknacks.

A few more...

Rules of Engagement: "Klingon" and "Prosecuting Attorney"... they just don't quite go together, do they?

Hard Time: The ultimate "O'Brien must suffer" episode... and that's saying something!

Shattered Mirror: The Mirror Universe really sucks if you're a Ferengi!

For the Cause: Alt-Jennifer gone, Kassidy's locked up... Sisko's love life is taking a beating, isn't it?

To the Death: Iconian gateways, Dominion discipline, Jem'Hadar battle-axes, and the first of many Weyoun deaths.

I know Rules of Engagement was meant to be a serious episode but it would have been perfect to bring back Colonel Word - imagine Worf doing a Charlie from IASIP and having his uncle (or whatever) as his attorney

 

[Farscape One]

I just finished coming up with season 4 ones...

"THE WAY OF THE WARRIOR" - Begin DS9 2.0.

"HIPPOCRATIC OATH" - When Tosk became a Jem'Hadar...

"THE VISITOR" - CRY HARD.

"INDISCRETION" - When even space Hitler couldn't kill his own daughter, you know it's a special kind of evil when we see on the news parents actually doing it.

"REJOINED" - Sweet saliva swapping.

"STARSHIP DOWN" - TNG's "Disaster", but done better.

"LITTLE GREEN MEN" - Shouldn't they be called 'little orange men'?

"THE SWORD OF KAHLESS" - RAIDERS OF THE LOST BAT'LETH.

"OUR MAN BASHIR" - THE MAN WITH THE SHOE GUN.

"HOMEFRONT" - Joseph Sisko explains how blood screenings can be useless.

"PARADISE LOST" - Even DS9 wasn't immune to 'badmirals'.

"CROSSFIRE" - When Worf beats you to the criminal, you know you're off your game.

"RETURN TO GRACE" - KIRA AND DUKAT'S BOGUS JOURNEY.

"SONS OF MOGH" - By the end, it's just "SON OF MOGH".

"BAR ASSOCIATION" - Odo reminds Worf about "Rascals".

"ACCESSION" - A most priceless rare object: a Kira Nerys original.

"RULES OF ENGAGEMENT" - Why did Sisko only have 3 pips in the third act?

"HARD TIME" - This is not a porn movie.

"SHATTERED MIRROR" - We're running out of Ferengi...

"THE MUSE" - I think the creativity vampire sucked the creativity out of the writers of that side of the story.

"FOR THE CAUSE" - Eddington makes the franchise's most annoying speech.

"THE QUICKENING" - Not an episode of HIGHLANDER.

"TO THE DEATH" - THE MOD SQUAD, with Jem'Hadar.

"BODY PARTS" - How do you defile discs of vacuum dessicated Ferengi?

"BROKEN LINK" - Odo loses his soft, gooey center.


I hope these entertain.

 

[Oddish]

I am only one voice, but I say that those were pretty frickin' awesome.

The Quickening (the best part): Kira threatens to come to Quarks, and promises that she will have fun.

The Quickening (the last 40 minutes): Bashir finds out that the Dominion's leisure time activities include multigenerational planetside torture and murder.

Body Parts: Be careful when signing a contract, especially with a Ferengi.

Broken Link: If we were going to see a character in the nude, Odo was probably pretty close to the bottom of the list in terms of desirability.

(yeah, I know, the gooey center one was better... let's dip our toesies in S5)

Apocalypse Rising: Sisko and friends go into full Qua'pla Mode.

The Ship: Nobody trusts anybody... and everybody loses.

Looking For Par'mach in All the Wrong Places: At eight words, the longest episode title on Trek, a title it will hold until "The Butcher's Knife Cares Not For the Lamb's Cry"

Looking For Par'mach... (oh FINE, I'll do the actual episode): Quark, Worf, and Dax engage in kinky Klingon horizontal mambo, and Bashir learns not to ask too many questions!

Three seasons to go.

Well, 2.9 actually, but who's counting?

 

[at Quark's]

Heart of Stone: And you complain solid girls manipulate guys?

 

[Oddish]

Since I have that post-DST extra hour (for the last time, if the law passes), let's put it to some use...

Nor the Battle to the Strong: We find out that some Trek universe heroes actually get scared sometimes.

The Assignment: Keiko FINALLY pays Miles back for being such a Class A prick to her and Molly in "Power Play".

Trials and Tribble-ations: Temporal tomfoolery, exploding Tribbles, and Sisko gets to meet his hero.

Things Past: Innocents lost.

The Ascent: The "Odo and Quark spend a whole episode taking shots at each other" episode the fans have been wanting since Season 1... finally takes place.

Rapture: Warning... getting seriously chatted up by the Prophets can be hazardous to your health.

The Begotten: Odo tries parenthood, regains his shapeshifting abilities, and gives the whole station the bird.

For the Uniform: Sisko demonstrates that even in the 24th century, people will need anger management classes.

 

[Farscape One]

Inspiration hit me again. Here is season 5..

"APOCALYPSE RISING" - Apparently, it's not easy being funny with Klingon teeth.

"THE SHIP" - Our crew are in the upside down... did STRANGER THINGS steal from DS9?

"LOOKING FOR PAR'MACH IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES" - Really, I can't come up with a funnier one than the episode's title.

"NOR THE BATTLE TO THE STRONG" - Almost certainly Jake's resume to the Federation News Service.

"TRIALS AND TRIBBLE-ATIONS" - Honestly, funniest title possible.

"THE ASSIGNMENT" - Creepy Keiko is actually pretty sexy.

"LET HE WHO IS WITHOUT SIN..." - A Risa episode... (unenthusiastically) yay.

"THINGS PAST" - Odo's INCEPTION?

"THE ASCENT" - Quark and Odo's honeymoon.

"RAPTURE" - A Changeling performs brain surgery on a human.

"THE DARKNESS AND THE LIGHT" - TEN LITTLE BAJORANS.

"THE BEGOTTEN" - HOW ODO GOT HIS GOO BACK.

"FOR THE UNIFORM" - Sisko finds inspiration from LES MISERABLES.

"IN PURGATORY'S SHADOW" - Is Elim Garak the name equivalent of Jon Snow?

"BY INFERNO'S LIGHT" - Dukat, the ultimate sellout.

"DOCTOR BASHIR, I PRESUME?" - I guess you really don't know people...

"A SIMPLE INVESTIGATION" - A woman spends the night in Odo's quarters, and only Sisko knows just how niiiiiice that is.

"BUSINESS AS USUAL" - THE CONSCIENCE OF THE BARTENDER.

"TIES OF BLOOD AND WATER" - Weyoun drinks poison, and gives us Sisko's best facial expression in the entire series.

"FERENGI LOVE SONGS" - How many lobe strokes does it take to get to the center of a senile Ferengi?

"SOLDIERS OF THE EMPIRE" - STAR TREK: KLINGON.

"CHILDREN OF TIME" - LOVE DON'T COST A THING... unless you are from Gaia.

"BLAZE OF GLORY" - STAR TREK: TOMATOES.

"EMPOK NOR" - Do not go off station with O'Brien in charge of the away team.

"IN THE CARDS" - Card collecting has never been so difficult.

"CALL TO ARMS" - Twenty lead and recurring characters get some good scenes, we get a phenomenal battle, and an overall arc moves forward... did you take notes, VOYAGER?