Fixing the Films (JJ edition).

[Phantom]

The Prime Trek version of this led to some interesting discussions, so I thought maybe there should be one here.

I was inspired by martok 2112, who proffered up a re-imagined opening for Into Darkness, which in his opinion kept the vitrues he saw in the existing opening but addressed some issues I had with the underlying tone and structure. We traded some PMs back and forth and wound up in a mini-collaboration which produced the following as a revised opening (reposted here with martok2112's permission):

Paramount Logo

Skydance Bad Robot Logos

FX shot of Enterprise in orbit of Nibiru.

Interior Bridge

KIRK: Spock?

SPOCK: It is as I suspected, Captain. The supervolcano on the northern continent is building towards an eruption. When it does, it will plummet the planet into an extended volcanic winter.

KIRK: What about the Nibirans?

SPOCK: The Nibirans are at a cultural level similar to that of the Bronze Age on Earth. They are not equipped to deal with the conditions that the eruption will create. In addition, there is a significant population center at the base of the volcano. It certainly will not survive the initial blast.

McCOY: How long do they have, Spock?

SPOCK: Impossible to determine precisely, Doctor. At best, days, perhaps hours.

KIRK: What are our options?

SPOCK: None, Captain. As you know, the Prime Directive prohibits interferance with the natural course of development of the Nibirans.

McCOY: There isn't going to BE any development for the Nibirans if that volcano blows its top! You're not just talking about the end of the Nibirans' culture, but just about every living thing down there! You of all people should know the horror the Nibirans are about to face.

SPOCK: However much I might sympathize, Doctor, emotional outbursts will not change the fact that our hands are tied.

McCOY: (exasperated, to Kirk) Jim, we can't leave these poor bastards to that kind of fate!

SPOCK: As Starfleet officers, we are bound to respect and uphold Federation laws.

KIRK: (pensive for a few seconds) In the face of death, laws fall silent.

SPOCK: Captain?

KIRK: A positive twist on an otherwise morbid proverb I heard once. Spock, what would it take to stop that volcano from erupting?

SPOCK: Were I not constrained by the Prime Directive, I could fashion a a device that would arrest molecular motion within the volcano as well as the magma chamber beneath it, rendering it inert. We would use the transporter to deploy the device. The Nibirans would see a large discharge of super-heated steam, visually impressive, but essentially harmless.

KIRK: See, Spock, you just solved your own dilemma.

SPOCK looks confused.

KIRK: The natives won't see what we're doing.

Spock raises an eyebrow in consideration.

KIRK: No witnesses!

McCOY: The way you just put it, Jim, that scares me. (cocks his head with a brief, characteristic smirk) I like it.

SPOCK: Your logic is....sound, Captain.

KIRK: Mr. Spock, make your super ice cube. We're about to cool that hotheaded bastard down.

SPOCK: Aye, sir. (moves off swiftly to start his work)

Exterior shot of the Enterprise over Nibiru. Even from orbit, we can see a plume of gas and smoke against the planet's lush surface.

Exterior shot on the planet's surface. The native tribe at the settlement near the supervolcano's base have gaping, blank expressions on their faces as the throat of the volcano belches more gas and smoke into the air.

Interior of a fabrication facility on the Enterprise. Spock hastily, but with precision, builds his giant ice cube.

Interior Bridge

KIRK: (toggles the intercom) Spock, status report!

SPOCK: (over intercom) I am finishing the device now, Captain.

SULU: (looking grim) I hope this works.

CHEKOV: (confident) Meester Spock'll come through.

UHURA: (at Spock's science station) Captain, there's a spike in geologic stresses within the volcano!

Kirk begins to react but is interrupted

SCOTTY: (over intercom) Scott to Cap'n! Spock's here in th' transpor'er room wi' tha' giant block o' ice ye' ordered.

KIRK: Beam it into the heart of that supervolcano, now, Scotty.

SCOTTY: Aye, Cap'n. (a couple of seconds pass) It's sent.

Interior shot of supervolcano. The lava rages and surges, preparing to blast skyward, threatening to doom all of Nibiru.

Exterior surface. At the village, the ground trembles violently, and inexplicably as far as the primitive natives are concerned. Their tribal shaman begins holding up what appears to be a holy, sacred scripture, and bellows out a fearsome chant. The natives all drop to their knees, bowing, or swaying in supplication, solemnly repeating their shaman's chant.

Amidst the churning cauldron of fire, a shimmering glow appears on a rock in the middle of the fire lake. It resolves and materializes into a glowing blue device. It sits there, glowing, but otherwise doing nothing.

Interior Bridge

KIRK: Anything, Uhura?

UHURA: (works console) Negative, Captian. The device has not activated.

KIRK: Spock, it's not working...

Interior Transporter Room

Spock moves to an equipment locker and begins to put on an armored environmental suit.

SPOCK: Captain, I can beam down to the device and remedy the malfunction.

Interior Bridge

(alarm sounds on Spock's console)

UHURA: Captain, readings are approaching critical!

Exterior Nibiru. There is a sudden, enormous burst of gasses and ash from the throad of the supervolcano. Some of the Nibirans scream, children cry out. The shaman continues to lead a frantic chant.

Interior Transporter Room

SCOTTY: Cap'n! I just lost the transporter lock! There's som'thin in that ash the system just donnae like!

KIRK: (over intercom) Damn it! We're almost there...we can't stop now! What about a shuttlecraft?

SCOTTY: Aye, we could lower Mr Spock down physically, but the turbulance will bash him all over the place if the pilot is'nae right on top of things!

Interior Bridge

SULU: (to Kirk) I'll go, sir!

UHURA: (leaping out of her seat) I'll go too, sir!

KIRK: (into intercom) Spock, meet Sulu and Uhura on the Hangar Deck!

SPOCK (over intercom) Acknowledged!

Exterior Nibiru. The smoke plume continues to get worse. The Nibirans continue to pray.

Exterior Space. A shuttlecraft rockets from the aft end of the Enterprise and swiftly dives for the surface of the planet.

Interior Shuttlecraft

Uhura is double checking Spock's suit and hooking him up to a winch. Spock keys his suit's communicator

SPOCK: Mr Sulu, use the smoke plume to mask our approach from the Nibirans as long as possible.

SULU: Aye sir!

Exterior Nibiru. The shuttlecraft comes in on the far side of the volcano from the village and disappears into the smoke and ash.

*PHANTOM's NOTE: Basically at this point the scene in the volcano much as filmed takes place, except that Sulu is able to hold position, and instead of detaching from the cable, Spock keeps it hooked, fixes the device, and is winched up just as it goes off, stopping the erupting volcano "cold".*

Exterior Nibiru village. A giant white plume of steam soars skyward. From the steam, as if being born from it, the silver shape of the shuttlecraft rockets skyward right in front of the awestruck Nibirans.

Interior Bridge. Everyone is feeling good.

SCOTTY: (over intercom) Cap'n, the shuttlecraft is aboard, but th' wee barin is a real mess, sir!

Spock, Uhura, and Sulu enter from the turbolift. Uhura and Sulu move to their stations. Spock approaches Kirk

KIRK: Better that than the alternative, Mr Scott. (closes intercom) Mr Sulu, get us the hell out of here. We'll come back and do a ground survey at another time.

SULU: Aye, sir. Plotting course for "the hell out of here."

CHEKOV: (leans closer to Sulu...and says discreetly) You owe me feefty credits.

SULU: (disbelieving) Whaaaat? I don't owe you feef---fifty credits. We didn't bet on anything.

CHEKOV: (chuckling) Vell, if ve deed bet, I vould have bet on Meester Spock...and you vould have owed me feefty credits.

SULU: Glad I'm not a betting man.

CHEKOV: Sure.... poker face.

Chekov and Sulu share a look and a smile.

KIRK: Congratulations, Spock. You just saved the planet.

SPOCK: Captain, I must report that it is very likely that the shuttlecraft was observed by the Nibirans.

KIRK: So, they MIGHT have caught a glimpse of something they didn't understand? What's the worst that could happen?

Exterior Nibiru. The villagers are all genuflecting like crazy as the shaman, standing before a large upright stone, takes a crude brush and some paint and puts the finishing touches on a rough, but recognizable rendition of the shuttlecraft...

Fade to the shot of the top of the Enterprise, and pulling back as the Enterprise zips into warp.

Cue opening title: STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS

I know it's not true script format. It's just a rough "proof of concept" offering.

In the spirit of the other "Fixing" thread, the primary groud rule is that you have to offer something constructive as a fix, no open-ended bashing. (I'm binding myself to the same rule, btw.)

So, thoughts on this? and/or what things would you fix?

I'll offer some thoughts on our collaboration after a few people have had chance to comment.

 

[Firebird]

ST '09: my main complain since it came out was the Red Matter nonsense. I know JJ likes to have some sort of red ball in all of his movies, but Red Matter is one of the worst plot devices I've seen in recent movies. The Federation science that we're familiar with in the 24th century wouldn't be able to contain a material that has the capability to create gravitational singularities. That's something that would be believable in Doctor Who. I would've changed it to something that is more scientifically plausible - instead of a black-hole generator, how about a high-yield explosive that could operate on the scale of the Genesis torpedo? This still would be compatible with the Narada's drilling capabilities, and would also provide a spectacular effects shot for Vulcan exploding, and the destruction of the Narada.

STID: Drop the John Harrison pretense from the script entirely. Admiral Marcus would have had enough power that I could see him plausibly expunging all mention of Khan from the historical record. The main problem for the Khan reveal is it was so badly hidden from the public beforehand, so it came as no surprise to anyone. Everyone with the production should have known that trying to keep Khan a secret wouldn't happen. Be honest - it's Khan, he's bad, he's out of control, go stop him. It still works for the shock reveal of Admiral Marcus being the bad guy, just without the needless story beat.

 

[BillJ]

ST '09: my main complain since it came out was the Red Matter nonsense. I know JJ likes to have some sort of red ball in all of his movies, but Red Matter is one of the worst plot devices I've seen in recent movies. The Federation science that we're familiar with in the 24th century wouldn't be able to contain a material that has the capability to create gravitational singularities. That's something that would be believable in Doctor Who. I would've changed it to something that is more scientifically plausible - instead of a black-hole generator, how about a high-yield explosive that could operate on the scale of the Genesis torpedo? This still would be compatible with the Narada's drilling capabilities, and would also provide a spectacular effects shot for Vulcan exploding, and the destruction of the Narada.

I don't think a torpedo would have the same visual flair that Red Matter does. Plus, it would be tougher for a small ship to carry a ton of the stuff.

Like most Star Trek, I made peace with the flaws in this movie a long time ago. It is insanely fun to watch.

 

[Firebird]

Like most Star Trek, I made peace with the flaws in this movie a long time ago. It is insanely fun to watch.

Don't get me wrong, I love watching the JJ Trek movies as well. I'll watch them before most of the TNG movies. I was just engaging in this thread's premise and highlighting the most egregious flaws in my eyes.

 

[Campe]

First, I think the scene above is too Prime Trek-y. I liked the Nibiru scene as shown in STID better. Thrusting the movie into action is a better catch than having the crew on the bridge discussing the situation. Talk is boring. Action is better. But that's just my opinion.

Star Trek (2009) - I would find a way to more adequately show Kirk's transition to Captain. I get why they went the way they did because at the end you want to see Kirk on the bridge in the gold shirt in the center seat. I just think that it could have been handled a little better.

Star Trek Into Darkness - No Khan. Make the character John Harrison, a Starfleet intelligence officer, who has in some way, been wronged by Admiral Marcus, so much so that he goes to great lengths to do what he does. He's very charismatic, still, causing Harewood to blow up the Kelvin Archive. No magic blood scenario. No "KHAAAAN!" yell. More of a purpose to Carol Marcus. Make her have worked with Harrison in some regard and they have some sort (not necessarily a romantic) relationship. Forget the 72 Eugenics guys in the torpedoes. Make it a handful of torpedoes that Marcus has designed and Harrison wants to stop. Make Harrison less of a villain and more of an anti-hero, and he and Kirk have to take the Vengeance down at the end, not because they want to destroy, but because they have no choice, Kirk making a sacrifice similar to his father, but coming out of it battered and bruised, but okay, while Harrison dies.

 

[BillJ]

Like most Star Trek, I made peace with the flaws in this movie a long time ago. It is insanely fun to watch.

Don't get me wrong, I love watching the JJ Trek movies as well. I'll watch them before most of the TNG movies. I was just engaging in this thread's premise and highlighting the most egregious flaws in my eyes.

The second part of my post was more an answer to the general theme of the thread. Soon there will be people in here trying to piss on everyone's parade.

 

[CorporalClegg]

Uh... ...


Nope.

 

[Jedi_Master]

No to the OP's suggestion ---- wayyyyyy tooo much talking.

The opener to StiD is one of the strongest parts of the movie...but I would have used some other technobabble other than "cold fusion device" to describe how Spock stopped the volcano.

 

[Dukhat]

I know JJ likes to have some sort of red ball in all of his movies, but Red Matter is one of the worst plot devices I've seen in recent movies.

Pardon my ignorance, but where are there red balls in his other movies?

 

[Campe]

^The red ball in the pilot from Alias is the only one I can think of at the moment.

 

[Firebird]

The second part of my post was more an answer to the general theme of the thread. Soon there will be people in here trying to piss on everyone's parade.

Oh, my bad, no worries then!

Pardon my ignorance, but where are there red balls in his other movies?

Like Campe98, it's in Alias for sure. There was an article around the time of 09 coming out that detailed all of the in-joke JJ things the movie had, and I remember the red ball being one of them. I wish I could remember where that article was.

 

[martok2112]

Looks like Phantom and I might be coerced into trying a full re-write.

First, I want to say that Phantom did an excellent job taking things into account and making additions/alterations to the ideas I had initially presented in my opening sequence rewrite. I only had a few minutes, and what I had posted had come right off the cuff. I was glad that he, and a few others, enjoyed what I had presented. It was done as a sort of "what if the movie opened differently? More in tone with what some folks who disapprove of JJ's version might accept."

Phantom made a few suggestions, and implemented them in a revision of my revision, and did an wonderful job. Changed up a few bits of dialogue that, in hindsight, now seem more appropriate than what I'd written. He also re-added the shuttle scene, written up just a slight bit differently from what appears on film.

To be honest, I still prefer STID on screen as is. But, I wanted to challenge myself by seeing if I could offer up something that, again, would appeal to those who oppose the JJ version. I tried to strike a balance between the characteristics of the new takes on the classic characters, and a feel of the original series without getting too far into either direction. Phantom helped hone that balance. Thanks, Phantom.

Campe, Jedi Master I agree with your assessments. The new Trek does need its own legs, and I too preferred the much more action intensive opening that STID offered.

As with any offering in Trek, you're not going to please 100 percent of the people 100 percent of the time. This effort is living proof.

(Our next effort will be "Star Trek Into Darkness....edited for goats")

 

[Phantom]

ST '09: my main complain since it came out was the Red Matter nonsense. I know JJ likes to have some sort of red ball in all of his movies, but Red Matter is one of the worst plot devices I've seen in recent movies. The Federation science that we're familiar with in the 24th century wouldn't be able to contain a material that has the capability to create gravitational singularities. That's something that would be believable in Doctor Who. I would've changed it to something that is more scientifically plausible - instead of a black-hole generator, how about a high-yield explosive that could operate on the scale of the Genesis torpedo? This still would be compatible with the Narada's drilling capabilities, and would also provide a spectacular effects shot for Vulcan exploding, and the destruction of the Narada.

I don't think a torpedo would have the same visual flair that Red Matter does. Plus, it would be tougher for a small ship to carry a ton of the stuff.

Like most Star Trek, I made peace with the flaws in this movie a long time ago. It is insanely fun to watch.

I think it would have come off better if they had used "protomatter". Spock's concept would have been to use the properties of protomatter to revitalize the Hobus star (the analogy to the Genesis project is very apt).

First, I think the scene above is too Prime Trek-y. I liked the Nibiru scene as shown in STID better. Thrusting the movie into action is a better catch than having the crew on the bridge discussing the situation. Talk is boring. Action is better. But that's just my opinion.

There is plenty of action in our revision. It's just not empty action whose only purpose is to up the "pew pew" quotient or to provide empty spectacle. By including more dialogue, it restores the crew's agency in the matter, showing them as professionals who aren't just blindly jumping and trusting to luck. It also places more onus on Kirk by showing him actively making the choice to throw out the rulebook and do what he feels is right.

Talk is not "boring" when it reveals the characters to us and shows us what they are thinking and feeling, especially when they are in conflict with each other. What I like about our revision is that the dialogue (I'd say 2/3 martok2112's and 1/3 mine) keeps as much JJ tone as it can but also revels the characters (as I said above) as being thoughtful and considered about a very serious situation.

Looks like Phantom and I might be coerced into trying a full re-write.

I don't have that kind of time on my hands...

First, I want to say that Phantom did an excellent job taking things into account and making additions/alterations to the ideas I had initially presented in my opening sequence rewrite. I only had a few minutes, and what I had posted had come right off the cuff. I was glad that he, and a few others, enjoyed what I had presented. It was done as a sort of "what if the movie opened differently? More in tone with what some folks who disapprove of JJ's version might accept."

And I think it succeeded in that. I know it did with me.

Phantom made a few suggestions, and implemented them in a revision of my revision, and did an wonderful job. Changed up a few bits of dialogue that, in hindsight, now seem more appropriate than what I'd written. He also re-added the shuttle scene, written up just a slight bit differently from what appears on film.

Looking at your original draft, even I felt it was a bit flat. I don't object to action that serves the story. I do object to action for action's sake, which is where I feel JJ tends to want to go, and where Michael Bay lives.

Campe, Jedi Master I agree with your assessments. The new Trek does need its own legs, and I too preferred the much more action intensive opening that STID offered.

Is it action you want or drama. They're not the same, no matter how badly some directors try to equate them.

Drama arises from conflict, not physical action. In this case, the conflict is the balance of ethics. Is the arbitrary rule more important than sentient lives? For Spock (and I just realized this) it is about what I had McCoy say. More than anyone on that bridge, Spock is perhaps the only one who well and truly understands the consequence of inaction. In our revision, I think it's that barb that really makes him question the morality of what the PD is demanding of him: to stand by and let a civilization die in service of an abstract principle. Moreso when intervention is in fact possible while honoring the spirit of the PD.

The physical conflict (crew vs volcano) is best expressed by action, which is, in part, why I re-added the shuttle material.

 

[Franklin]

Honestly, I still can't figure out why Spock crouched while being beamed down to Vulcan in ST09. It's always bugged me. I'd fix that.

I was also not sure why the supremely logical and intellectual Vulcan leadership would flock to a cave (of all places) to meditate, or do whatever it was, as their planet crumbled around them. Odd ducks sometimes, these Vulcans. It was also just too convenient for the story that they would go somewhere where a transporter could not lock onto them, and Spock had to go down and lead them out. Kinda wonder too, what he'd have thought if they weren't there. (Call from Enterprise to Spock on Vulcan: "Mr. Spock, we just received a hail from your father, mother, and some Vulcan elders. We've beamed them up to the Enterprise. They are safe. Can you hear me, Mr. Spock? Are you there, Mr. Spock?)

I've never really had any quibbles with STID that I'd demand be fixed other than I have wondered why the poster showed Khan standing inside wreckage and looking out over burning parts of London, when in the movie, he smashes the Vengeance into San Francisco. (Although it was a nice touch to see Alcatraz get some punishment when the standard today in so many movies seems to be to go after the Golden Gate Bridge.)

 

[Campe]

Campe, Jedi Master I agree with your assessments. The new Trek does need its own legs, and I too preferred the much more action intensive opening that STID offered.

There's two things that make me feel the way I do. The first is the age-old writing adage of "show, don't tell." Giving this big expository sequence just slows the movie to a grinding halt. You have 2 hours give or take to tell a story. Show me this crew doing what they do. Don't have them talk about it. Taking the time out for a confab just seems overkill and for the start of a movie, would make people bored really quick.

Look at the rest of the films how they start: V'Ger "eating" the Klingons, the Kobayashi Maru, TSFS' opening is a little more talky but that's the tone of that film, the Saratoga being overtaken by the probe, a mysterious man potentially threatening a stranger, the destruction of Praxis, the launch of the Enterprise-B, Picard's Borg dream sequence, Data's attack on the Starfleet officers on Ba'ku, the murder of the Romulan senate, and the Kelvin. All relatively pulse-pounding (for their time and budget) sequences (except for TSFS and maybe TFF).

(Side note: One of the things I don't like about First Contact is the fact that we go from the Borg dream straight into a conference room scene, then into a ready room scene, then to a bridge scene, where we hear, don't see what's going on back at Earth, when finally we come into the action. Everything could get discussed in the course of the movie with a quick comm to another Starfleet Captain in the course of the battle. But instead, it slows down the movie.)

My second point, is that Kirk, in the original series, was at many points, a man of action. What nuKirk did on Nibiru may be exactly the same thing he would consider doing as Prime Kirk. But maybe Spock and McCoy would have talked him out of it.

Yes, the Enterprise on the bottom of the ocean is a little ridiculous. But the movie acknowledges that fact. And as said in another thread, there's precedence for it in other Trek adventures being in some form of liquid or protoplasm. And it makes for a very exciting reveal.

 

[Jedi_Master]

(Our next effort will be "Star Trek Into Darkness....edited for goats")

I am pretty sure that will be rather baaaaaaaaaddd.

 

[Phantom]

^^Campe, please read the last part of my edited post above. I'll ask the same question: is it action you want or drama?

Trek has always used action to serve drama, not as a substitute for it.

 

[Jedi_Master]

You can have both action and drama.

Good drama is not purely based on dialogue and good action is not necessarily dialogue free.

 

[Campe]

^^Campe, please read the last part of my edited post above. I'll ask the same question: is it action you want or drama?

Trek has always used action to serve drama, not as a substitute for it.

At the beginning of a film, I want something that thrusts me into a story. A confab on the bridge does not do that in my opinion. Drama is fine. I love drama. But I don't get the sense of whetting my interest when the first thing I see after the opening logos is a shot of Kirk, Spock and the others on the bridge talking a situation through BEFORE they go to action.

You have plenty of opportunity to do those talks later. Hell, I'll admit -- Into Darkness could have used more talks. BUT, are you going to start a James Bond film with him getting a briefing from M? Hell no. You're going to thrust him into the situation. This is at most a ten minute sequence at the beginning of the film, and it's not all pew-pew. It's about saving a race. It's a conflict of doing the right thing vs. following the rules. Seems pretty dramatic to me.

Show. Don't tell.

You asked for opinions. This is mine.

 

[Jedi_Master]

Maurice's Fan Film Writer's primer thread has discussed the need to carefully insert exposition and dialogue. Clunky and overly detailed exposition tends to be a sign of badly written fan fiction. Its like the storyteller can't bear to allow the audience to fill in the details, so he has to explain every single little thing before moving on.