Hey! Those with longish memories will recall that I'm TrekToday's parody guy. Those with really long memories, however, will know I used to post my "fivers" in this forum when I was just starting out. Right now I can't get into my TT account, so I thought it might be fun to go old-school.
My site is FiveMinute.net, so if you've never heard of fivers or don't remember them, that's where to go. (The About section, while pretty out of date, will fill you in.) I've posted a lot of different things there, Trek-related and otherwise -- but this is actually the first proper Trek fiver I've written since 2006.
More to follow, I hope. For now, here's...
Five-Minute "Spock's Brain"
Sulu: That ship pursuing us is so cool.
Kirk: Agreed. I'd almost say it's cooler than the one we ran into at Babel.
Spock: I would say so. Can you believe it's using an ion propulsion drive? The Federation has never managed that.
Kirk: What about Deep Space 1?
Chekov: Isn't that a space station?
Kirk: No, I mean --
(ZAP)
Kara: What a bunch of dips.
Chekov: Oof. Did anyone get the number of that wessel?
Kirk: That's what I have a first officer for. Spock! ...Uh oh.
McCoy: (over the comm) Jim, something's wrong with --
Kirk: -- Spock, I know. I could tell when he didn't shout back at me.
McCoy: I don't know how to say this, Jim, so I'm giving Christine a line.
Nurse Chapel: Spock! Brain! Gone!
McCoy: Thank you. I can keep him on life support for 24 hours, but --
Scotty: What? How?
McCoy: Hey, I don't ask you to explain how the transporter works.
Scotty: I can! Can you explain this?
McCoy: Shut up and find his brain.
Captain's Log: Fortunately, the ship left us a cool warp trail to follow. I can't get over how awesome it is.
Sulu: The trail runs out at this star system. Let's have a detailed debate on which of the various planets it most likely went to.
Kirk: We don't have time for that!
Sulu: Even if Chekov is the one who briefs us? You get to hear his accent, he and I get lines -- it's win/win.
Kirk: Hmm... okay. But I can't help thinking Spock would disagree.
Sulu: Don't be silly. He likes boring exposition more than any of us.
Transporter: (WHOOSH)
Kirk: Nice planet. Could use some women, though.
Chekov: I'm detecting a band of angry men coming our way, if that helps.
Kirk: You're lucky I can't demote you.
Cavemen: GRAAAA--
Phasers: (ZAP)
Cavemen: --ack! Geez, screw this!
Kirk: They're scurrying off! Grab one, Scotty!
Scotty: I cannae hold onto him, Captain! My wee arms cannae take the strain!
Kirk: I miss Spock.
Caveman: Oog! Oog oog oo-- *cough* Sorry, something in my throat. What do you want?
Kirk: I'm hoping you can help us. A strange woman has stolen my friend's brain and --
Caveman: What's a woman?
(long pause)
Kirk: Kirk to Sulu: charge the phasers and blow the hell out of this planet.
Sulu: (over the comm) Aren't you still on the --
Kirk: We don't have time for your quibbling, dammit!
Caveman: You might be thinking of the Others. They live underground and cause us pain and pleasure.
Kirk: ...Let's not go into any more detail on that. You can go.
Caveman: Whew! (leaves)
Scotty: Actually, we could have used more detail on the underground part.
Kirk: Shoot! Chekov, how could you forget to remind me of that?
Chekov: Veapons... food... supplies... shoot, a fella could have himself a pretty good veekend in Vostok with all this stuff.
Scotty: It must be a trap. Let's get caught in it.
Kirk: Are you crazy? First we get Spock down here, then we get caught in it. Transporter room, energize.
McCoy: Here he is, Jim. I rigged him up with a remote control like you asked.
Spock: (BUMP)
Kirk: Not a very accurate remote control.
McCoy: Also like you asked.
Kirk: Chekov, you and the redshirts stay here to guard the cave.
Chekov: Are you sure you von't need help down there?
Kirk: Don't worry. If anything goes wrong, I'll blame you.
Trap: SPRING!
Kirk: Oh dear. We are trapped. What ever shall we do.
Trap: Aw, you knew? That takes all the fun out of it.
Luma: Halt, intruders! I am Luma!
Kirk: Finally! I haven't seen a scantily-clad alien woman in almost 12 hours!
Scotty: Calm down, lassie, we're --
McCoy: Don't bother reasoning with her, Mr. Scott. She has the mind of a child.
Scotty: What makes you think that?
Luma: In the name of Sigma Draconis 6 I will right wrongs and triumph over evil -- and that means you!
McCoy: Just a guess.
Spock: So this is how an out-of-body experience feels....
Kirk: Spock! You're alive!
Spock: Indeed. I seem to be able to communicate electronically.
Kirk: Well, just tell us where to bring your freakish zombie corpse and we'll --
(ZAP)
Kara: Still dips.
Captain's Log: My team and I have been captured by... wait, how can I possibly be recording a log right now?
McCoy: Don't suppose you're going to take us to your leader?
Kara: I, Kara, am the leader.
Kirk: Girls running a planet? That's silly. Someone must be taking care of you.
Kara: We have no Kara-taker! I mean, sure, there's the Controller, but that's different.
Kirk: Controller? You mean like a brain controls a body? My God! It must be Spock's brain!
Scotty: (Should one of us question his logic?)
McCoy: (And do that green-blooded Vulcan's job? I think not. Besides, the way things are going this week, he's probably right.)
Kara: Luma, turn on the Paininator. I hate long stage whispers.
Sulu's Log: Yawn. If this is what command is like, count me out. I hope the away team isn't having all kinds of fun without me.
Away Team: YEAAAARRRGH!
Sweet.
Kirk: That was the worst pain I've suffered since the critics panned my album!
McCoy: That was the worst pain I've suffered since you played us your album.
Kirk: Well, at least they only left a couple of men to guard us. I trust we all know what to do in this situation.
Scotty: Aye. Doctor McCoy and I will cover our ears. Captain, start singing.
Kirk: Spock, we've got our communicators back! Can you hear us?
Spock: All too well. Has the doctor informed you that my body can only survive for 24 hours?
Scotty: (Seriously! It's even in human time units! How considerate of Vulcan physiology!)
McCoy: (How many years did you study at Starfleet Medical? Huh?)
Kirk: We're aware, Mr. Spock. Can you direct us to where your brain is?
Spock: Certainly. Take a left at the vaguely Cardassian wall markings.
Kara: Back again? Do you enjoy the pain?
Kirk: Not really, but I wouldn't be the first Enterprise captain to YYYEEEEEAGH!
McCoy: Oof... Jim... use Spock...
Kirk: I'm... trying! I knew we needed an analog stick on this thing!
("Spock" disarms Kara)
Kara: Unfair! Why wasn't he affected?
McCoy: No brain, no pain. If it helps, when he's back in his body, he'll definitely be feeling some of the things Jim banged him into.
Spock: Strangely enough, I am in fact feeling bodily sensations.
Kirk: Those must be the functions of this base! Your "lungs" are venting air, your "nerves" are powering machinery...
Scotty: Sorry to interrupt, but we should get rid of these pain belts. Is there a waste disposal around here?
Kirk and Spock: ...
Scotty: *snort* Okay, I did that on purpose.
Kara: It was the Teacher who showed us what to do.
Kirk: That's impossible! We've met enough of you people now, there are clearly no teachers on this planet.
Spock: She is referring to the helmet that you have likely been assuming is a large pincushion.
Kirk: This thing? Huh. I was thinking sea urchin. Okay, men, let's cram her into it.
Kara: No! Noooo!
McCoy: Jim, we're three men using force on a screaming woman. Don't you find that a bit disturbing?
Kirk: Yes, but on this particular mission, I'm grading "disturbing" on a curve.
Kara/Teacher: Greetings.
Kirk: All right, we're finally dealing with someone who isn't an absolute doorknob. Let's talk this out.
Kara/Teacher: Very well.
Kirk: You will put Spock's brain back in his body!
Kara/Teacher: I will not!
Kirk: You must!
Kara/Teacher: I refuse!
Kirk: ...Okay, that didn't work. Anyone have a better idea?
McCoy: I will in a second.
Captain's Log: Doctor McCoy has used the Teacher and is now attempting to re-enbrain Spock. The danger to both is great, but he insisted. Gave me some ludicrous speech about risk being our business.
Kara: We will all die without our Controller!
Kirk: Nonsense. You'll just need to climb up the long ladder to the surface and build a new civilization by breeding with the men. I'll help.
Kara: With the civilization part, you mean?
Kirk: (Damn.) Yes, my world has many success stories I can teach you. I think you in particular, Kara, would be a super girl to start running a coffee franchise...
Scotty: Captain, isn't this sort of the exact opposite of the Prime Directive?
Kirk: It's superceded in this case by an even higher law taught to every captain: the Omega Glory Directive. "If the episode is bad enough, just get it over with by any means necessary."
McCoy: Wait. Wait! I can't do this!
Kirk: Sure you can! You have before, remember? The neural clone operation? Your job with the Initiative?
McCoy: I can't! It's all gone! Right now I can't tell a preganglionic fiber from a postganglionic nerve!
Kirk: Wow, sounds like you've even lost your regular medical knowledge. This is pretty desperate... too bad we don't have some kind of emergency backup doctor.
Nurse Chapel: (over the comm) I'll do it! Please state the na--
Kirk: I said desperate, not hopeless.
Captain's Log, Supplemental: Our last chance is to reconnect Spock's -- okay, seriously, HOW am I recording these logs?
McCoy: All right, his vocal cords are connected.
Kirk: Great! Your turn, Spock -- tell him what to do!
Spock: ".nepir seert" teg uoy ,"esirpretnE" fo srettel eht pu xim uoy fI
Kirk: ...Bones, how did we get this far into the operation before I remembered that you hate him?
McCoy: Finally. Can't believe how hard that was. Rocket science I would understand, but this?
Kirk: Annnnd he's on his feet already. Oh, whatever, at this point why not?
Spock: An excellent job, Doctor -- wait. Are those engrams in your hand?
McCoy: I did NOT have any parts left over and I am insulted by the suggestion!
Spock: You mistake my reaction for concern. Quite the contrary. Should I ever make a serious error, you have supplied me with a prime excuse.
McCoy: Ugh. Anyone else feel like their very DNA is missing some important gene?
Scotty: Aye, you can say that again. We've had ridiculous missions before, but this one set a new threshold.
Kirk: Oh, have a little spirit, folks. We can't go on missions full of scientific fascination and moral shades of grey all the time. We're bound to get a few like this.
Spock: If I understand correctly, Jim, you are advising us in such situations to simply turn off our --
Kirk: Do NOT say it.
(Spock doesn't say it at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
My site is FiveMinute.net, so if you've never heard of fivers or don't remember them, that's where to go. (The About section, while pretty out of date, will fill you in.) I've posted a lot of different things there, Trek-related and otherwise -- but this is actually the first proper Trek fiver I've written since 2006.
More to follow, I hope. For now, here's...
Five-Minute "Spock's Brain"
Sulu: That ship pursuing us is so cool.
Kirk: Agreed. I'd almost say it's cooler than the one we ran into at Babel.
Spock: I would say so. Can you believe it's using an ion propulsion drive? The Federation has never managed that.
Kirk: What about Deep Space 1?
Chekov: Isn't that a space station?
Kirk: No, I mean --
(ZAP)
Kara: What a bunch of dips.
Chekov: Oof. Did anyone get the number of that wessel?
Kirk: That's what I have a first officer for. Spock! ...Uh oh.
McCoy: (over the comm) Jim, something's wrong with --
Kirk: -- Spock, I know. I could tell when he didn't shout back at me.
McCoy: I don't know how to say this, Jim, so I'm giving Christine a line.
Nurse Chapel: Spock! Brain! Gone!
McCoy: Thank you. I can keep him on life support for 24 hours, but --
Scotty: What? How?
McCoy: Hey, I don't ask you to explain how the transporter works.
Scotty: I can! Can you explain this?
McCoy: Shut up and find his brain.
Captain's Log: Fortunately, the ship left us a cool warp trail to follow. I can't get over how awesome it is.
Sulu: The trail runs out at this star system. Let's have a detailed debate on which of the various planets it most likely went to.
Kirk: We don't have time for that!
Sulu: Even if Chekov is the one who briefs us? You get to hear his accent, he and I get lines -- it's win/win.
Kirk: Hmm... okay. But I can't help thinking Spock would disagree.
Sulu: Don't be silly. He likes boring exposition more than any of us.
Transporter: (WHOOSH)
Kirk: Nice planet. Could use some women, though.
Chekov: I'm detecting a band of angry men coming our way, if that helps.
Kirk: You're lucky I can't demote you.
Cavemen: GRAAAA--
Phasers: (ZAP)
Cavemen: --ack! Geez, screw this!
Kirk: They're scurrying off! Grab one, Scotty!
Scotty: I cannae hold onto him, Captain! My wee arms cannae take the strain!
Kirk: I miss Spock.
Caveman: Oog! Oog oog oo-- *cough* Sorry, something in my throat. What do you want?
Kirk: I'm hoping you can help us. A strange woman has stolen my friend's brain and --
Caveman: What's a woman?
(long pause)
Kirk: Kirk to Sulu: charge the phasers and blow the hell out of this planet.
Sulu: (over the comm) Aren't you still on the --
Kirk: We don't have time for your quibbling, dammit!
Caveman: You might be thinking of the Others. They live underground and cause us pain and pleasure.
Kirk: ...Let's not go into any more detail on that. You can go.
Caveman: Whew! (leaves)
Scotty: Actually, we could have used more detail on the underground part.
Kirk: Shoot! Chekov, how could you forget to remind me of that?
Chekov: Veapons... food... supplies... shoot, a fella could have himself a pretty good veekend in Vostok with all this stuff.
Scotty: It must be a trap. Let's get caught in it.
Kirk: Are you crazy? First we get Spock down here, then we get caught in it. Transporter room, energize.
McCoy: Here he is, Jim. I rigged him up with a remote control like you asked.
Spock: (BUMP)
Kirk: Not a very accurate remote control.
McCoy: Also like you asked.
Kirk: Chekov, you and the redshirts stay here to guard the cave.
Chekov: Are you sure you von't need help down there?
Kirk: Don't worry. If anything goes wrong, I'll blame you.
Trap: SPRING!
Kirk: Oh dear. We are trapped. What ever shall we do.
Trap: Aw, you knew? That takes all the fun out of it.
Luma: Halt, intruders! I am Luma!
Kirk: Finally! I haven't seen a scantily-clad alien woman in almost 12 hours!
Scotty: Calm down, lassie, we're --
McCoy: Don't bother reasoning with her, Mr. Scott. She has the mind of a child.
Scotty: What makes you think that?
Luma: In the name of Sigma Draconis 6 I will right wrongs and triumph over evil -- and that means you!
McCoy: Just a guess.
Spock: So this is how an out-of-body experience feels....
Kirk: Spock! You're alive!
Spock: Indeed. I seem to be able to communicate electronically.
Kirk: Well, just tell us where to bring your freakish zombie corpse and we'll --
(ZAP)
Kara: Still dips.
Captain's Log: My team and I have been captured by... wait, how can I possibly be recording a log right now?
McCoy: Don't suppose you're going to take us to your leader?
Kara: I, Kara, am the leader.
Kirk: Girls running a planet? That's silly. Someone must be taking care of you.
Kara: We have no Kara-taker! I mean, sure, there's the Controller, but that's different.
Kirk: Controller? You mean like a brain controls a body? My God! It must be Spock's brain!
Scotty: (Should one of us question his logic?)
McCoy: (And do that green-blooded Vulcan's job? I think not. Besides, the way things are going this week, he's probably right.)
Kara: Luma, turn on the Paininator. I hate long stage whispers.
Sulu's Log: Yawn. If this is what command is like, count me out. I hope the away team isn't having all kinds of fun without me.
Away Team: YEAAAARRRGH!
Sweet.
Kirk: That was the worst pain I've suffered since the critics panned my album!
McCoy: That was the worst pain I've suffered since you played us your album.
Kirk: Well, at least they only left a couple of men to guard us. I trust we all know what to do in this situation.
Scotty: Aye. Doctor McCoy and I will cover our ears. Captain, start singing.
Kirk: Spock, we've got our communicators back! Can you hear us?
Spock: All too well. Has the doctor informed you that my body can only survive for 24 hours?
Scotty: (Seriously! It's even in human time units! How considerate of Vulcan physiology!)
McCoy: (How many years did you study at Starfleet Medical? Huh?)
Kirk: We're aware, Mr. Spock. Can you direct us to where your brain is?
Spock: Certainly. Take a left at the vaguely Cardassian wall markings.
Kara: Back again? Do you enjoy the pain?
Kirk: Not really, but I wouldn't be the first Enterprise captain to YYYEEEEEAGH!
McCoy: Oof... Jim... use Spock...
Kirk: I'm... trying! I knew we needed an analog stick on this thing!
("Spock" disarms Kara)
Kara: Unfair! Why wasn't he affected?
McCoy: No brain, no pain. If it helps, when he's back in his body, he'll definitely be feeling some of the things Jim banged him into.
Spock: Strangely enough, I am in fact feeling bodily sensations.
Kirk: Those must be the functions of this base! Your "lungs" are venting air, your "nerves" are powering machinery...
Scotty: Sorry to interrupt, but we should get rid of these pain belts. Is there a waste disposal around here?
Kirk and Spock: ...
Scotty: *snort* Okay, I did that on purpose.
Kara: It was the Teacher who showed us what to do.
Kirk: That's impossible! We've met enough of you people now, there are clearly no teachers on this planet.
Spock: She is referring to the helmet that you have likely been assuming is a large pincushion.
Kirk: This thing? Huh. I was thinking sea urchin. Okay, men, let's cram her into it.
Kara: No! Noooo!
McCoy: Jim, we're three men using force on a screaming woman. Don't you find that a bit disturbing?
Kirk: Yes, but on this particular mission, I'm grading "disturbing" on a curve.
Kara/Teacher: Greetings.
Kirk: All right, we're finally dealing with someone who isn't an absolute doorknob. Let's talk this out.
Kara/Teacher: Very well.
Kirk: You will put Spock's brain back in his body!
Kara/Teacher: I will not!
Kirk: You must!
Kara/Teacher: I refuse!
Kirk: ...Okay, that didn't work. Anyone have a better idea?
McCoy: I will in a second.
Captain's Log: Doctor McCoy has used the Teacher and is now attempting to re-enbrain Spock. The danger to both is great, but he insisted. Gave me some ludicrous speech about risk being our business.
Kara: We will all die without our Controller!
Kirk: Nonsense. You'll just need to climb up the long ladder to the surface and build a new civilization by breeding with the men. I'll help.
Kara: With the civilization part, you mean?
Kirk: (Damn.) Yes, my world has many success stories I can teach you. I think you in particular, Kara, would be a super girl to start running a coffee franchise...
Scotty: Captain, isn't this sort of the exact opposite of the Prime Directive?
Kirk: It's superceded in this case by an even higher law taught to every captain: the Omega Glory Directive. "If the episode is bad enough, just get it over with by any means necessary."
McCoy: Wait. Wait! I can't do this!
Kirk: Sure you can! You have before, remember? The neural clone operation? Your job with the Initiative?
McCoy: I can't! It's all gone! Right now I can't tell a preganglionic fiber from a postganglionic nerve!
Kirk: Wow, sounds like you've even lost your regular medical knowledge. This is pretty desperate... too bad we don't have some kind of emergency backup doctor.
Nurse Chapel: (over the comm) I'll do it! Please state the na--
Kirk: I said desperate, not hopeless.
Captain's Log, Supplemental: Our last chance is to reconnect Spock's -- okay, seriously, HOW am I recording these logs?
McCoy: All right, his vocal cords are connected.
Kirk: Great! Your turn, Spock -- tell him what to do!
Spock: ".nepir seert" teg uoy ,"esirpretnE" fo srettel eht pu xim uoy fI
Kirk: ...Bones, how did we get this far into the operation before I remembered that you hate him?
McCoy: Finally. Can't believe how hard that was. Rocket science I would understand, but this?
Kirk: Annnnd he's on his feet already. Oh, whatever, at this point why not?
Spock: An excellent job, Doctor -- wait. Are those engrams in your hand?
McCoy: I did NOT have any parts left over and I am insulted by the suggestion!
Spock: You mistake my reaction for concern. Quite the contrary. Should I ever make a serious error, you have supplied me with a prime excuse.
McCoy: Ugh. Anyone else feel like their very DNA is missing some important gene?
Scotty: Aye, you can say that again. We've had ridiculous missions before, but this one set a new threshold.
Kirk: Oh, have a little spirit, folks. We can't go on missions full of scientific fascination and moral shades of grey all the time. We're bound to get a few like this.
Spock: If I understand correctly, Jim, you are advising us in such situations to simply turn off our --
Kirk: Do NOT say it.
(Spock doesn't say it at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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