Sorry if this sounds a bit emo or whiny, but I really need to vent. I'm fed up with life, lonely and bored. I've got absolutely nothing to live for right now. Since I left school a couple of years ago, I've literally been spending every single day sitting at home on my own with nothing to do. While all of my friends from school ended up going to college/getting into relationships/getting jobs/learning to drive, I've just been sitting at home depressed and lonely, and it's finally becoming too much for me. Part of my problem is that I have Social Anxiety Disorder, I can't face strangers, and it's gotten to the point that I can't even face people I know anymore. I'm too scared to talk to my parents or even my friends about my problems. I can make friends easily, but it takes a controlled environment like school for me to face other people, but I've still never had the courage to make any moves and form a relationship. Part of the problem is that none of my friends from school (the only friends I've got, as I haven't had the courage to go out and make any new ones since I left school) live anywhere near me (I went to a boarding school). I've got nobody to hang out with unless someone is around to give me a ride, and I dislike public transport. I barely know anyone where I live, there's nothing to do around here and there's nowhere to go to meet people (unless I goto college or something, where I'm guaranteed to meet some people that live somewhat nearby). I've been to psychiatrists, but all they want to do is load me up with medication, but all they'll offer me is SSRIs and antipsychotics, or a combination of thw two. I declined the antipsychotics, but I gave SSRIs a chance and they just made me worse. After a while I was going delusional, paranoid and depersonalised, and the sexual side-effects just made me more depressed (not being able to jerk off was pretty depressing), so I put a stop to those. I've also seen a psychologist once as a child, but I didn't have the courage to speak to her at all. I've made tried making plans to do stuff (driving lessons, college, etcetera), but never followed through with them. Even if I did get into a college, I'd probably never turn up for it (I'd either have trouble waking up in time, have trouble getting there or just be too anxious to go). The best option is probably to get some driving lessons, but I just can't work up the motivation to do it. So, I'm basicly spending every day bored out of my mind. Pretty much 90% of my day is spent thinking about ways I could painlessly kill myself (I wouldn't actually do it, I have some self-control, but the thoughts are still there). The only thing I really enjoy is playing guitar, but it's hard to find the motivation to do that these days. All I really need is more friends that live nearby enough to actually hang out with, or perhaps a relationship (though I can't see that working, no matter how much I want it, I'm pretty much incapable of showing affection or expressing my true feeling to anybody). I was actually somewhat happy when I was at school and had friends to talk to and do stuff with, but now I've got nobody to hang out with unless I'm prepared to travel a bit. What I really need is some kind of intervention, but my parents, family and friends don't even know there's anything wrong. They just think I'm shy or lazy and leave me to it, and I don't have the courage to tell them how I feel.
And here I thought I was having a bad day. Okay, I need to clear a few things up here. Maybe you have social anxiety disorder, maybe you don't but what you're describing to me seems to go a lot deeper than that. I really really urge you to see a therapist even if it seems scary. You said you didn't like talking to one when you were younger but maybe you just weren't matched up with the right kind. No two therapists are alike. Do you have a job at all? Do you still live wih your parents? How old are you now? This was a little vague in your post so some more details may help.
I'm no expert but part of the problem is obvious. You've given up trying to fix this. Ok, psychiatrists and medication didn't help before. Keep at it! There is no magic fix but doing nothing about it is the worst possible thing. If they even helped a little it would be worth it. Also, if you enjoy the guitar, focus and put a lot of energy into that. It might help you to break your rut. I don't have a good solution. I do know someone with S.A.D. His doesn't seem as severe as yours, but I can see how it affects him. Good luck and keep trying! Mr Awe
The best you'll get here is a lot of back seat analysis, Geckothan. Many, many people go through this kind of stage and then move on to a normal life. However, it's best to seek professional advice in these matters, especially since your's seems so serious. We all wish you the very best, but we typically close topics of this kind.