Facts About Captain Robau
- Thread starter Herkimer Jitty
- Start date
- Status
Chuck Norris said he was more badass than Robau so Robau hacked into the internet and deleted every Chuck Norris meme in existence. "Facts About Captain Robau" will reign supreme for all eternity.
Captain Robau had no beginning and will have no end. He has no conception of linear time as he exists in the past, present, future, and two other tenses that are beyond our mortal comprehension.
The film "Kick Ass" is taken from Robau's third middle name.
Robau's original middle name? The number pi.
The only thing colder than absolute zero is a Robau Stare.
Robau is the reason tribbles have no teeth.
The only thing harder than diamond is Robau's boner.
And the only thing harder than a Robau boner? His balls.
Three days after Jesus died, Robau removed the stone blocking the tomb's entrance with his bare hands and brought Jesus back to life by pressing his palm against Jesus' forehead. Jesus was feeling depressed about the whole crucifixion thing so Robau took him on a road trip across all four quadrants of the Milky Way. This began the greatest bromance known in history.
In case of conquest of Earth and the Federation by a hostile alien power, Captain Robau is authorized by Starfleet to unleash devastation across the galaxy. This includes, but is not limited to:
Making stars go supernova by ripping them apart with his bare hands, inducing ice ages on planets by giving them an icy Robau Stare, generating super massive black holes that swallow up entire systems by helicoptering his genitalia, and purging the galaxy of all sentient life in general.
Basically it would be like a Halo activation event only far more destructive and way more badass.
Making stars go supernova by ripping them apart with his bare hands, inducing ice ages on planets by giving them an icy Robau Stare, generating super massive black holes that swallow up entire systems by helicoptering his genitalia, and purging the galaxy of all sentient life in general.
Basically it would be like a Halo activation event only far more destructive and way more badass.
Robau doesn't have a barbeque grill. The food grills itself because it's safer than Robau's glare doing it for them.
The Kelvin doesn't need to create a warp field in order to go to warp: space warps itself around the ship out of fear of Captain Robau.
Space is infinite because it atempts to hold all of Robaus badassnes. It fails miserably.
Last edited:
Robau is in all places at one and the same time. Which means his penis can literally please every sentient and willing female being in the cosmos.
That explains a lot of happy smiles that I saw this morning going to work.
If you spell "Robau" without any vowels it spells Rb, which consequently is also the notation for Robauium (the most badass element) in the periodic table.
Now, I know what you're thinking: "Isn't Rb the symbol for rubidium?"
Well, it used to be until Robau got sick and tired of waiting for the chemists to make more room in the periodic table for his element so he beat the shit out of rubidium and said "From now on you are Robauium. Understand?" All the rubidium atoms whimpered "Yes sir, Captain Robau."
Now, I know what you're thinking: "Isn't Rb the symbol for rubidium?"
Well, it used to be until Robau got sick and tired of waiting for the chemists to make more room in the periodic table for his element so he beat the shit out of rubidium and said "From now on you are Robauium. Understand?" All the rubidium atoms whimpered "Yes sir, Captain Robau."
- Status
