Facts About Captain Robau

[Herkimer Jitty]

Captain Robau. What a guy. Yet, we know so little about him. We know he's from Cuba, and that he's a badass, but what else do we know?

Using my super-secret for reals inside source, I've decided to compile a list of known facts about Captain Robau. This is 100 percent insider info, but keep in mind, I'm running off an early draft of the script.

FACTS ABOUT CAPTAIN ROBAU

-Captain Robau doesn't die. He just takes a pit stop in hell.
-Captain Robau eats duranium and shits photon torpedoes.
-The Kelvin's shields aren't for keeping weapons out... they're for keeping Robau in.
-Captain Robau built Indiana Jones's Freedom Fridge in a cave! With a box of scraps!
-Captain Robau never reads menus when eating at a restaurant. Whatever he orders, they better make it.
-When Romulans go to sleep, they double-check their closets for Captain Robau.
-V'Ger needed to merge with its creator, because a higher plane of existence was the only place V'Ger could hide from Captain Robau.
-V'Ger was wrong.
-Among the Romulan medical community, death is referred to as Robau Syndrome.
-Captain Robau never runs out of Captain Robau jokes.

 

[Admiral Buzzkill]

The First rule of Captain Robau is: you do not talk about Captain Robau.
There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Captain Robau.

 

[trekkerguy]

-Captain Robau does not Chainsaw Locust in Gears of War, he IS the Chainsaw.

 

[Harlander]

Captain Robau grinds his coffee with his teeth, and boils the water with his rage.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Captain Robau's tears cure Borg assimilation. Too bad he has never cried.

 

[Herkimer Jitty]

Spock is constantly shouting in "The Cage" because he can't hear his own voice over the sound of how awesome Captain Robau is.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Captain Robau is the walrus, goo goo ka joob.

 

[Nerys Myk]

Sisko and Picard are arent really bald. They just want to be like Captain Robau.

 

[Samurai8472]

Captain Robau wants Tony Stark to deliver him a Jericho missile

 

[Hartzilla2007]

If Captain Robau and Admiral Bill Adama got into a fight the universe would explode.

 

[SPCTRE]

Captain Robau once shot down a Romulan Bird of Prey with his finger by yelling "PEWPEW".

 

[flightmech73]

Captain Robau says "Be afraid....Be very afraid."

 

[Hartzilla2007]

Captain Robau makes Klingons piss themselves and shit their pants.

 

[flightmech73]

Kirk: "excuse me. What does Captain Robau need with a starship?
McCoy: Jim! You don't ask the Almighty for his ID!

 

[Skywalker]

-Captain Robau is so tough that when he goes mountain climbing, he's not pulling himself up, he's pulling the mountains down.
-The Neutral Zone doesn't exist to protect the Federation from the Romulans. The Neutral Zone exists to protect the Romulans from Captain Robau.

Spoiler: Nero's mission

Nero didn't travel back in time to eliminate Jim Kirk. His original plan was to eliminate Captain Robau, but he got scared and settled for an easier target.

-The Kelvin doesn't need deflector shields. Captain Robau simply scares the disruptor beams away.
-The Kelvin doesn't need two warp nacelles to create a symmetrical warp field. Captain Robau simply wills it to happen.
-When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Incredible Hulk. When the Incredible Hulk gets mad, he turns into Captain Robau.
-Captain Robau never actually gets beamed anywhere. The universe beams itself around him.
-Captain Robau was Jean-Luc Picard and Benjamin Sisko's childhood hero. Kirk had to settle for Jonathan Archer.
-Captain Robau is the perfection towards which the Borg strive.

 

[Hartzilla2007]

- That God head thing in Star Trek V wasn't exiled to the center of the galaxy he went to hide from Captain Robau.

- That Borg didn't open a gateway to fluidic space to assimilate species 8472 they did to get away from Captain Robau.

- A Q tried to mess with Captain Robau,he hasn't been seen scince.

- The real reason the Breen are so secritive is that their afraid Captain Robau will come to their planet and bitchslap them around.

 

[Slappy The Vulcan]

The Cylons were so afraid of Captain Robau that they nuked 12 planets just to kill him. He survived......oops, wrong show...and thats not even my quote.

 

[captcalhoun]

Jack Bauer wears Captain Robeau pyjamas

 

[M'Sharak]

Captain Robau doesn't do time travel. All he has to do is look at the future and the future comes over to ask what he wants. Captain Robau is just that badass.

 

[Hartzilla2007]

Humanity didn't come together in peace after First Conntact with the Vulcans because of finding out aliens exist. They did it because they knew if they didn't Captain Robau would will himself back and time and kick their asses, and then sleep with their wives.