DS9 Season 10, ep 10x17 - "Reservoir Ferengi"

[DS9Continuing]

Previously, on DS9 Season 10:

Review threads:

Episodes 1 to 7
Episode 8
Episode 9
Episode 10
Episode 11
Episode 12
Episode 13
Episode 14
Episode 15
Episode 16

Direct links to the PDFs of episodes 1 to 16:

10x01 - "Emancipation"
10x02 - "Brave New World"
10x03 - "Steppin' Out"
10x04 - "Easy Come, Easy Go"
10x05 - "Deep Down"
10x06 - "The Dream Box"
10x07 - "Instinct"
10x08 - "Property Values"
10x09 - "Blank Slate"
10x10 - "In Two Minds"
10x11 - "Harmony" (part 1 of 2)
10x12 - "Heresy" (part 2 of 2)
10x13 - "The Case of the Flamping Flurble"
10x14 - "Against the Odds"
10x15 - "Inside Out"
10x16 - "I Will Survive"

All episodes are also available at the Ad Astra fan-fic archives, link here.

Next up is 10x17 "Reservoir Ferengi"

Now, as you may know, this is in fact an already officially published story, written by professional author David A MacIntee (aka TBBS board member Lonemagpie). I chose to include it in my season because it fits perfectly timeline-wise (the text explicitly states it takes place over the year following KRAD's Satisfaction Is Not Guaranteed, which I adapted as epsiodes 11 and 12 of season 9), and because it provides me with another at least semi-comedic story in what is really a pretty heavy set of episodes.

The story as adapted is almost identical to David's original, albeit definitely abridged. I lay no claim to the original storyline, dialogue or scene descriptions, which come almost entirely from David's story and are his intellectual property. I have, however added my own subplots to further my own arcs for the season. All the station-bound parts of this episode are my own work, except for the very last scene which is also from David's original and inspired that station-bound subplot.

As to the legality of uploading another person's story to the boards for free perusal, I asked for and received David's explicit permission to do so, provided that he have last say over the content, which is his right. It was extremely generous of him to do so, and I am very grateful. I have enjoyed all of David's work that I have read, and definitely recommend that anyone who enjoys this go and buy one of his books. The story on which this episode is based, Reservoir Ferengi, originally appears in the Seven Deadly Sins collection, available here.

All that said, onto the episode. As usual the PDF can also be downloaded here.

Enjoy!

.

 

[DS9Continuing]

.​

TEASER​

FADE IN:


1 EXT. SPACE


NOTE: All of Sc 1 takes place in one long, unbroken cut.

We begin on the starfield, glittering peacefully, a vast and deep sea of stars. Move gradually forward through it, turning slightly...

And a star system comes into view. A bright main-sequence star at its centre, burning away.

An EXPLOSION happens just off-screen – no noise in the vacuum, but a bright flare of fuel and oxygen burning up and snuffing out quickly. The blast sends debris tumbling across the screen – identifiably a section of a starship, although belonging to whom we can’t tell.

Move on past the debris. We see another ship – small and winged, a fighter. It glides across the screen, just as a missile zooms into view, and hits the fighter. Both go up in another explosion.

Turning slightly again in the direction of the missile’s point of origin, a planet can now be seen. Another missile launches from its surface, arcing out of orbit into space.

We follow the missile, and as we do, we travel past more ships, more missiles criss-crossing each other’s paths, unmanned orbital defence platforms firing phaser beams at everything that moves.

Still following the missile, we now see its target – another planet within the system. Ships and missiles and phasers all around us as we dive down towards the surface.

The planet grows and grows in our vision as we near the surface, and finally we hit the atmosphere. The tip of the missile glows with heat and friction as we push through the air, never slowing. With atmosphere to carry it, we now hear the sounds of battle. Phasers SCREAM, explosions ROAR, vessels CRUNCH.

We follow the missile through the cloud cover, and we see the planet’s surface at last. Green expanses, white-tipped mountains, gleaming rivers, technologically advanced but environmentally respectful architecture, all marred by the signs of war and conflict. Buildings ruined, gouges in the ground, crashed ships burning in piles of rubble.

The missile plummets towards one of the larger buildings, an official government structure, and hits. The building is obliterated in a massive conflagration. Nearby fighters swerve out of the way to avoid the flames.

We travel on past the explosion, to another building a little further away. This is a large pyramid, glass surface shining in the sun, truncated on the top to make a flat landing area. More fighters launch from hatches in the sides of the buildings, zooming out to join the battle.

As we come closer to the building, we see figures fleeing in panic on the ground. Crowds of people – alien but humanoid. They run towards the shuttle port, desperately hoping to catch a ride out of here.

But on the flat top of the building, a large non-combat vehicle is lifting off – an escape shuttle. As it roars up into the sky, the people stop and gaze up at it in dismay. They missed their ride.

We keep going towards the shuttle port, closer towards the glassy surface. We go in THROUGH one of the jagged, smashed windows into the inside of the building.

This was once a comfortable, classy departure lounge, plush and well-appointed for well-heeled travellers. Now there are fires burning, furniture thrown, information screens smashed and sparking with cut wires.

And there are more figures inside – a squadron of soldiers, clad in hard black armour, face-obscuring helmets, roaming through the room weapons drawn, on the lookout for enemies.


2 INT. SHUTTLE DEPARTURE LOUNGE


The soldiers creep into another room, and the front-most soldier is instantly SHOT down with a phaser blast to the chest. His comrades return fire...

...At another group of soldiers – similar black armour but with a coloured slash of paint to tell them apart. The first group dive for cover behind some nearby furniture, exchanging fire. Phaser blasts shoot back and forth.

CLOSE on the first group. The dead soldier has been dragged to safety by one of his comrades. The comrade shakes with fear, his terror and confusion clear even in this faceless blank armour. This is the first time he’s ever seen a dead body, and the whole situation is really hitting home.

In a burst of panic, he pushes backwards, retreating on his backside to a wall behind cover, where he curls up and hugs himself, paralyzed with fear. Meanwhile, we hear the sounds of more shots fired, more pieces of furniture and machinery exploding in shards, more bodies hitting the floor.

There’s a collective gasp from the soldiers, the terrified man looks up to see why...

Another figure enters the room, running from phaser shots that follow him. Much larger than the others, a comparative giant. In fact, as we stay at the level of the soldiers, we can’t even see this new figure’s face, only the chest down. His outfit was probably nice before he got in a fire-fight.

The soldiers have now stopped shooting at each other out of simple shock. The surviving ones on both sides are watching this new figure, amazed and confused.

Having escaped the first barrage of phaser fire from his pursuer, the figure turns and fires back the way he came. And there, following him into the room, is a second giant.

The two giant figures shoot and dodge, shoot and dodge, all above the soldiers’ level of vision, only their chests and running legs visible. After a few moments, the sounds of the phasers sputter and die – out of power.

In roar of rage, one of the giants throws his empty weapon right at his enemy, where it BONKS him on the head.

VOICE
Oww!​

In revenge, the second charges directly for the first, engaging him physically. But as it happens, the first is stood right in front of one of the smashed, broken windows. Too furious to stop the momentum, the two battling giants tumble out of the window and disappear from sight.

We can still hear them though, as they shriek in surprise and fear, and pain from the continuing bonks and punches.

As the sounds fade, the two groups of soldiers finally poke their heads out from cover. Shooting at each other seems to have slipped their minds now – they’re too surprised by what just happened.

SOLDIER 1
Wasn’t that –​

SOLDIER 2
Yeah, I think it was.​

SOLDIER 1
They’re not with you?​

SOLDIER 2
We thought they were with you!​

Clearly, they weren’t with either group. Confused, the leaders of each group creep together towards the window. They peer over the edge, looking down...

...and the two giants are tumbling over and over down the slant of the pyramid, still caught up in their fight.


3 EXT. SHUTTLE PORT - DAY


Outside the building, the two giants are an unidentifiable flurry of punches and scratches and yells and yelps. They roll over each other on their way down the slanted surface towards the ground.

They bonk off chunks of rubble and other bodies of soldiers half-hanging out of windows. Finally they tumble all the way to the bottom, landing in a pile on the ground.

Around them are half a dozen more dead bodies, black-clad soldiers in twisted poses, weapons abandoned beside them. With a grunt of effort, one giant throws the second off. Both scramble away, reaching in desperation for the guns.
They both grab a weapon each, spinning on the spot to point them at each other’s face. And we finally see who they are.

BRUNT, formerly of the Ferengi Commerce Authority, is bloodied and bruised, and seething with righteous fury. He pants from exhaustion, holding the weapon steady on...

GAILA, wily and amoral cousin of Quark, just as battered and torn as Brunt, and holding his weapon just as fiercely.

BRUNT
(smug)
Gaila. If only you were Quark...
That’s the only way this moment
could be any more delicious.​

GAILA
You’re finished too, Brunt! It’s
a mutual loss scenario!​

Keeping his weapon trained on Gaila, Brunt glances to the side. Black-clad soldiers are closing in on them from all directions, weapons drawn and pointed at the pair of Ferengi. Brunt sighs and shakes his head.

BRUNT
How did my life come to this?​

On Brunt’s panting, furious face...


FADE OUT:

END OF TEASER​

.​

 

[DS9Continuing]

.​

ACT ONE​

FADE IN:


4 INT. DS9 – QUARK’S BAR


Inside the bar, but looking towards the main doors out onto the Promenade. Excited crowds fill the space, controlled by lines of Starfleet security, including SEVAK, ALECO and Bajoran Militia Major CENN.

Anticipation buzzes through the gathered throng as they await the approaching moment. Grand FANFARES of music play, filling the bar and the Promenade and the whole station, it feels like. The waiting audience builds itself to a fever pitch of excitement, and just as the music rises to a crashing crescendo, the crowd finally parts.

Revealing...

ROM
Umm... Hi.​

Grand Nagus ROM of the Ferengi Alliance. The crowd cheers! Rom almost cringes back from the force of their APPLAUSE. He’s wearing the official robes of the Nagushood, holding the Nagal Staff, but still the same old Rom inside it all.

Standing behind him on the Promenade are rows of obsequious Ferengi servants, ready to attend to their Nagus’s every need. And with them too is LEETA, beaming with happiness and carrying their half-Bajoran half-Ferengi baby.

In the body of the bar, welcoming Starfleet officers and station residents fill every inch of space. KIRA, DAX, NOG, SHAR and many other familiar faces. MORN is at the bar. In the centre of the floor though, is QUARK himself.

The bartender is a swirl of emotions. Pride at the size of the event and the happiness of his customers. Sycophantic fawning in front of his Nagus. Disapproval and exasperation at all the fuss being made over that idiot Rom. But most of all, happiness at the return of his brother.

With a smile, he shouts over the crowd...

QUARK
Welcome to the Ferengi Embassy,
Grand... Nagus... Rom.​

Even louder roars of welcome. Everyone is happy to see their old friend. Quark steps off the central plinth and down to greet his brother more personally.

QUARK
Welcome home, Rom.​

Quark grabs Rom in a big hug, genuinely pleased to see him.

ROM
Thanks, brother.​

Quark turns and presents Rom to the crowd again, determined to milk this for every drop of reflected glory he can get.

QUARK
My brother, the Grand Nagus!​

More roars of applause. As the crowd eventually goes back to their party, Kira finally steps forwards.

KIRA
Alright, Quark, I think we get
the message. Rom – it’s good
to see you again. And Leeta!​

LEETA
Hello, Captain.​

KIRA
Oh stop – call me Nerys, for
Prophets’ sake. Now let me
look at that baby!​

As Rom goes to hug Nog in greeting, Leeta hefts little baby Bena on her hip, and turns her slightly towards Kira. We don’t see the baby’s face, but Kira’s slightly shocked, frozen smile tells us everything we need to know.

KIRA
(stiff)
Oh, she’s beautiful.​

Leeta beams at her baby daughter and kisses the bulging head, oblivious to Kira’s expression.

LEETA
Yep, she’s a keeper.​

Quark has returned to pride of place behind his bar, the lord surveying his land. Nog and Rom step up to the bar. The various Ferengi hangers-on hover awkwardly, waiting to be needed or leering at the dabo girls.

QUARK
Please don’t tell me you’re
still drinking root beer.​

ROM
(mock offended)
Isn’t a Nagus allowed to drink
whatever he wants, brother?​

QUARK
(mock harassed)
Then it’s a good thing I just
received a special delivery.
One root beer coming up for
the Grand Nagus...
(smirk)
...at a small discount.​

Quark turns away to get the drink. Nog gestures to the upper levels of the bar, where numerous view screens are hanging over the balconies (like the one that showed the Bashir-O’Brien tennis match in 2x11 “Rivals”).

The screens show reams of information in the hexagonal Ferengi language, constantly shifting and changing. Occasionally one screen will change to show a commercial, some bright and garish tasteless extravaganza like those seen on the subway car in 9x11 “Sale of the Century”.

NOG
I set up all the screens just
like your advisors insisted.
You’ll have real-time updates
on all the business markets.​

ROM
Ugh. I planned this trip to
get away from all that.​

Quark comes back with Rom’s drink.

QUARK
An official state visit to the
only Ferengi territory that’s
off-world... all just for an
excuse to see your family.​

Rom takes his drink and looks around the bar with a smile.

ROM
Well, I miss this place.​

CUT TO:


5 INT. TONGO PARLOUR


Starting close on Brunt, hunched over a table and staring at the bottle in front of him with loathing and contempt.

BRUNT
I hate this place.​

An on-screen caption says:

ONE YEAR AGO​

Gaila sits opposite, smooth and suave in his best business suit. Brunt looks drunk and destitute in comparison. This is the same bar that featured in 9x12 “Satisfaction...”

GAILA
Geln’s is the finest tongo
parlour in the city, Brunt.​

BRUNT
Finest and bar are mutually
exclusive terms. They remind
me of... him.​

GAILA
Of my cousin Quark, you mean.
His success, and your failure.​

BRUNT
Oh, not success.
(beat)
His existence.​

GAILA
I’m no fan of my cousin either,
Brunt. My relationship to that
degenerate hew-mon lover has
caused no end of trouble. That’s
why you and I should be friends.​

BRUNT
Can any Ferengi really be friends
with an FCA Liquidator?​

GAILA
No. But then you’re not “Brunt,
FCA” anymore.​

BRUNT
Liquidator for the FCA is who I
am, Gaila, not just a job I did.​

GAILA
The Economic Congress disagreed.​

BRUNT
They could take away my job. But
not who I am.​

GAILA
That’s why there’s opportunity
in a business alliance between
us. Your ruthlessness and drive,
and my lobes for tracking down
profit. Failure is impossible.
You know I work the steadiest
market in the galaxy.​

BRUNT
(pondering)
Arms dealing. War is a universal
constant after all...​

GAILA
And people at war always need
the latest and best weapons.​

BRUNT
Alright. I’m in.​

GAILA
You know it makes sense.​

Gaila stands, the deal done. He throws a couple of strips of latinum onto the table.

GAILA
I’m leaving Ferenginar in the
morning. I’ll see you at your
shuttle.​

BRUNT
Five slips.​

GAILA
Done.​

The moment Gaila’s gone, Brunt changes. The depression and drunkenness slips off like a mask – it was all pretend. He won’t trust Gaila for a second, and he’s already thinking.


6 INT. BRUNT’S SHUTTLE


The same ship Brunt used in 6x10 “The Magnificent Ferengi.” This tiny shuttle is basically all Brunt has in the world now, with all his meagre belongings.

Brunt stands at a panel towards the rear of the cockpit. He opens a hatch, and pulls out a data chip. He clips the chip into a padd, and the padd’s screen comes to life. He scrolls through the files filled with Ferengi text... until he gets to one with a headshot of Gaila. Brunt reads, his sneer gradually growing.

BRUNT
Hagath... Regent of Palamar...
callous murderers with no regard
for the number of exploitable
lives they waste. All those
wage-earning people no longer
putting their currency into
the system. Despicable. But...
Gaila was right about one thing.
Nobody ever went broke selling
weapons. This is my chance to
get it all back. First my
profit... then my power.​

He grins, the thought of profit overtaking everything else.


7 EXT. FERENGINAR


The next morning. Ferenginar’s First City, the grey morning light dampened by a light drizzle. A Ferengi shuttle pulls away from the city and flies up into the sky...


8 INT. BRUNT’S SHUTTLE


Brunt pilots the shuttle, Gaila squeezed in beside him. Even with only two people it’s a tight fit. Through the windscreen we can see the planet surface dropping away and the black expanse of space approaching.

BRUNT
So where are we going?​

GAILA
Right there.​

Gaila points forwards out of the window, and Brunt looks... There’s a mid-size cruiser of a previously unseen design. Clearly Ferengi, but somewhere between the massive size of a D’Kora class Marauder and Brunt’s tiny shuttle.

BRUNT
(unimpressed)
Reminds me of that Federation
ship your repulsive cousin used
to hitch rides on. What was it
called – the USS Deviant?​

GAILA
Ha! Sounds perfect for Quark.
(beat)
Does everything remind you of him?​

Brunt doesn’t answer. They fly on towards the ship.


9 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – SHUTTLE BAY


Brunt’s shuttle sits on the deck, next to another almost identical. The shuttle’s hatch opens and Gaila and Brunt exit, Gaila throwing his arms wide in gracious indulgence.

GAILA
Welcome to the Golden Hand-
shake. The ship is all mine.​

BRUNT
As are its contents.​

Walking towards the door to the rest of the ship, Brunt stops dead with a gasp of fear...

Because three BREEN are blocking their way. Gaila breezes on past, not concerned in the slightest.

GAILA
Oh, don’t mind them. They’re
just bodyguards.​

The door opens and Gaila enters the corridor beyond. The Breen soldiers, in their sand-coloured environment suits, turn to watch the pair pass, and then follow them as well.


10 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – CORRIDOR


Two of the Breen escort the two Ferengi along the corridor. Brunt is terrified of them, but trying not to show it.

BRUNT
Bodyguards? Why ever would you
need bodyguards?​

GAILA
(shrug)
For one thing, people who need
an arms dealer usually have that
need because they’re embroiled
in some sort of violence. Which
means sometimes, to make profit,
one has to visit violent places.​

Brunt gets the message. The group reaches the end of the corridor. Another door opens onto...


11 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – BRIDGE


The ship’s bridge is small and simple but functional. The two Breen stay outside in the corridor as Gaila and Brunt enter. There’s a pilot’s station at the front, occupied by what looks like a young, small-lobed Ferengi.

Consoles fill both sides of the room, but one of them has been pulled out. Something is rummaging around behind it, executing repairs with the clank and hum of tools.

As Brunt takes in the sight of the room, the door opens again, admitting another Ferengi – the biggest Ferengi you have ever seen. Bigger even than a Klingon. But BIJON is the sweetest, most harmless man. A giant, but entirely dim. He’s carrying a large container of tools and parts.

BIJON
Where do you want these, Gaila?​

GAILA
Take them down to engineering,
Bijon.​

BIJON
Oh... right.​

Bijon nods vacantly, and turns to leave again. Gaila sighs.

GAILA
He’s useful, but he needs
constant direction. Pel, are
we ready to leave orbit?​

The pilot turns, and to Brunt’s horror, it’s a female Ferengi. In fact, it’s PEL (2x07 “Rules of Acquisition”).

PEL
Just about. Voloczin is just
installing a few more hardware
updates we picked up while we
were here. Voloczin – is the
initializer linkage fixed?​

She looks over to the broken console, and something creeps out from behind it. A big fleshy tentacle, like some kind of giant slug. Then another, then a third...

The tentacles get a grip on the surrounding consoles, and work to lever the main body out into the open. Brunt is vibrating in revulsion as he watches the creature emerge... Something like a big fleshy spider, with tentacles, and one giant eye, like the gelatinous BOB from Monsters vs Aliens. He’s wearing a tool belt about his numerous tentacles.

VOLOCZIN
It’s kushti.
(to Brunt)
Wotcher. Fresh meat, eh?​

GAILA
This is Brunt. My new partner.​

PEL
Another one?​

Brunt finally finds his tiny, whimpering, horrified voice.

BRUNT
What is... that?​

PEL
An engineer. What else would
he be, with all those tools?​

BRUNT
I mean... what sort of... what
species is he?​

GAILA
I haven’t a clue. Nobody’s ever
asked before. Anyway, welcome to
our little team. Snail juice?​

Still recovering from his revulsion, Brunt nods absently. Gaila goes to a replicator in the wall, works it, and comes back with two glasses. He hands one to Brunt.

GAILA
I’ve been orbiting Ferenginar
for too long. It’s time to get
out there and seek new profits.​

BRUNT
There’s been a coup on Fonnam
Two. No doubt the original
government will be looking
to counter it and dispose of
their traitors. And of course
the new government will want
to strengthen their hold and
dispose of their traitors...​

GAILA
That’s the kind of level we
want. But Fonnam’s not a good
option. They’re notorious for
wanting long credit terms.​

BRUNT
No good for raising capital,
then. We want a planet with
hard latinum to spend.​

Brunt pauses to rack his brains. He pulls out his padd, scans through the files. Then, with a hungry grin...

BRUNT
Kalanis Major. They recently
converted a lot of escrow into
latinum, and there’s a civil
war going with no end in sight.​

GAILA
Perfect! Pel, set course for
Kalanis Major, and engage.​

Pel works her panels. Gaila and Brunt both grin with glee at the thought of all the profits coming their way...


FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE​

.​

 

[DS9Continuing]

.​

ACT TWO​

FADE IN:


12 EXT. SPACE


The Golden Handshake travels at warp, on its way...


13 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – BRUNT’S CABIN


A bedroom decked out in typically tasteless, over-decorated Ferengi style. The gleam of gold and latinum everywhere, all the luxuries. Brunt lies in a fur-strewn bed, his head against a bulkhead. He’s wide awake.

Gurgles and burps come from the wall behind him. He scowls in annoyance. He turns in the bed, tries to ignore it. He grabs two of the pillows and covers his giant ears with them. It doesn’t work.

With a grunt of frustration, he gets out of bed, stands in his fancy bedclothes, and glares at the wall with hatred. He reaches out and PUNCHES it.

BRUNT
Oww!​

14 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – CORRIDOR


Fully dressed now, Brunt strolls down the corridor, just exploring the ship. At the far end of the corridor from him, another door opens and two Breen exit. Brunt flinches in fear, but the Breen ignore him, enter another door, and are gone. Brunt relaxes – he does not like Breen.


15 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – MESS HALL


Breakfast time. Brunt and Gaila sit across a small table from each other, munching on beetles, while Bijon and Pel get food from the wall of gilded replicators.

BRUNT
Do you trust the Breen?​

GAILA
Of course. They’re utterly
incorruptible.​

BRUNT
Really?​

GAILA
Well, for one thing, nobody
wants to hire soldiers who
fought on the wrong side of
the Dominion War. Secondly,
they’re not easy to talk to
without specialized equipment.​

Gaila taps at a small device attached to the collar of his suit, to emphasis the point.

GAILA (cont)
And thirdly, I pay them more
than anyone else could afford.​

Brunt nods – fair enough, he can understand that. He looks up and watches as Pel walks past with a tray of food...


16 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – BRIDGE


The viewscreen shows the ship continuing to fly at warp. Pel now sits in the pilot’s chair, just keeping an eye on things. Brunt hovers awkwardly behind her, grimacing at the very thought of a female, in clothes, working for profit.

BRUNT
So you’re a... pilot.​

PEL
I am now. I wasn’t always.​

BRUNT
(relieved)
Ah, that’s good to hear. You
used to be a proper female?​

PEL
I used to be in the service
industry. Trying to make my
way as a good businessperson.​

BRUNT
Then how did you –​

PEL
By necessity. Necessity is the
mother of profit. And being a
pilot turned out to be more
profitable than I could have
ever imagined. Now I couldn’t
imagine doing anything else.​

BRUNT
Not even being a –​

PEL
A skivvy? A servant? You were
going to say, “a traditional
Ferengi female,” weren’t you?​

BRUNT
(defensive)
Maybe...​

Pel turns to look at Brunt at last. She’s almost amused.

PEL
I’m everything you hate, aren’t
I, Brunt? You’re a good Ferengi.
Smart, if a little inflexible.
But you’re no Quark. You and
Gaila, everything’s already
weighted in your favour. It’s
easy for you to make profit.​

Off Brunt’s horror...


17 INT. DS9 – QUARK’S BAR


On Quark, as he smiles in satisfaction at the continuing celebrations all around him...

PEL (v.o.)
But Quark can make profit out
of nothing at all.​

Dax wanders up to him with a drink, salutes him with it.

DAX
Great party, Quark.​

QUARK
Like there was any doubt.​

DAX
And you wouldn’t be blowing the
whole official visit way out of
proportion just as an excuse to
make more profit, at all?​

QUARK
You say that like it’s a bad
thing. I just wish Laren could
have been here to enjoy it.​

DAX
I’m sure she wishes that too.​

Not wanting to get into that any further, Dax drifts away. Quark heads back to his bar, where Nog and Leeta are both cooing over the baby. Meanwhile, Rom is stood behind the bar, still looking around wistfully. Then there’s a slight gasp from the crowd, and people turn to see why...

TREIR is just slinking down the spiral staircase, looking utterly fabulous, to sighs of adoration from all sides. The male Ferengi servants’ jaws all drop at the sight of her. At the bar, Leeta straightens. She makes eye contact with Treir. Treir makes eye contact with her. Uh-oh. Cat fight.

Quark, Rom and Nog all tense. Totally calm, Leeta passes baby Bena to Nog to look after. Then she stretches herself to her greatest height, pushes her bosom to the Prophets, and steps towards Treir. Treir steps towards her too.

Behind the bar, Rom watches with jaw hanging loosely. This could be a disaster... or it could be the biggest turn-on of his life. Leeta looks Treir up and down.

LEETA
You must be Treir. The new
dabo girl.​

TREIR
And you must be Leeta. The...
old... dabo girl.​

Leeta and Treir stare each other down... until the tiniest cracks appear in their stern faces. They can’t keep up the pretence any longer. They both break into smirks.

TREIR
I’ve been waiting to meet you.
We have a lot to talk about.​

Her faux glare towards Quark makes Leeta chuckle. They head back over towards the bar, where Rom is about to explode.

LEETA
Rom, honey? Come and meet Treir.​

ROM
Umm... that’s okay. I think I’ll
just stay here for a minute.​

As Rom makes sure to stay hidden from the waist down...


18 EXT. SPACE


The Golden Handshake now sits in orbit of a planet...


19 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – SHUTTLE BAY


Across the room from the two small shuttles is a large transporter stage. The twinkles of transport are just fading away, revealing three KALANI – human-sized but with armoured foreheads and scaly skin.

Gaila, Brunt and Pel stand before them in their best business suits, with Bijon working the transporter.

GAILA
Greetings, Minister. I’m Gaila,
representative of Gailtek
Armaments and Technologies.
This is my partner Brunt, and
our clerk, Pel. Whatever you
require, we at GAT will do our
best to fulfil the order.​

KALANI 1
We need weapons.​

GAILA
Obviously, or you wouldn’t be
contacting an arms dealer.​

KALANI 1
We’d prefer the most efficient
killing machines possible.​

GAILA
Naturally, which is why you’ve
come to the best arms dealership.
If you’ll come with me, I think
I have just the thing.​

Gaila directs the group of Kalani off the transporter pad. Pel takes the lead, as they head into the corridor. Once the group is out of earshot, Brunt grabs Gaila’s arm.

BRUNT
Why are you letting Pel meet
clients? She’s just a female.​

GAILA
The Kalani have three factions,
not two. Since Bijon has trouble
counting that high, I need Pel
to meet the third group tonight,
after you meet the second group
this afternoon. It’s a good sign,
Brunt. The Great Material Conti-
nuum is flowing our way. All we
have to do is enjoy the cruise.​

BRUNT
But still, a female... earning profit...​

GAILA
She may earn it, but who do
you think invests it for her?​

Brunt nods with understanding. He and Gaila share a greedy grin, and then follow the rest into the corridor.


20 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – SHOWROOM


A gleaming white showroom, the walls covered in racks and shelves featuring weapons small, medium and large. Gaila, Brunt and Pel look on encouragingly as the Kalani browse the choices. The Kalani leader looks at one disruptor...

GAILA
Ah, Klingon Type 47, the best
there is. When you absolutely,
positively have to disintegrate
every mother-creditor in the
room. Accept no substitute!​

As Gaila and the Kalani continue in the background, Brunt receives an alert in the comm device in his ear. He steps away from the group to receive the message...​

BRUNT
What?​

BIJON (comm)
The Loyalists are at the transport
site. I’m bringing them up now.​

BRUNT
No!​

Everyone in the room turns at Brunt’s outburst. He smiles weakly and addresses Gaila...

BRUNT
That was Bijon. He’s acquired
some more... credit.​

GAILA
(hiss)
Go and see to it.​

Brunt nods and scampers out of the room. Gaila turns back to the Kalani, with a wide ingratiating smile.

GAILA
Nothing to worry about. Simple
matter of paperwork. If you’ll
come with me, we can continue our
discussion in the dining room.​

As the Kalani sweep out of the room, Gaila holds Pel back.

GAILA
Have Voloczin reset the chamber
for Cardassian weapons.​

Pel nods and steps aside to make a call. Gaila follows the Kalani into the corridor, trying not to panic.


21 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – SHUTTLE BAY


Brunt is likewise as three more Kalani materialize on the transporter, in different outfits from the first group.

KALANI 2
I am Commander Lotral of the
Kalanis Defence Arm.​

BRUNT
Brunt, GIT. Uhh, GAT. You’re
a little early, but then the
early investor reaps the most
interest, after all.​

KALANI 2
(dry and icy)
Really?​

BRUNT
Rule of Acquisition number 37.
It’s a code we Ferengi live by.​

KALANI 2
Good for you.​

Smiling past the Kalani’s brusque attitude, Brunt after-you’s them towards the door. Just as they pass into the corridor, his eyes widen in panic as he hears the telltale sounds of a transporter platform powering up behind him.

He hustles the Kalani quickly through the door...


22 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – BRUNT’S CABIN


Controlling his panic, Brunt ushers the three new Kalani into his own room. He runs to the wall, opens a hatch that reveals a drinks cabinet and a replicator...

BRUNT
This is the, uhh... executive
lounge. Please make yourselves
at home while I check that the
display models are ready.​

And he dashes back out of the room again, leaving the Kalani somewhat nonplussed.


23 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – CORRIDOR


Grimacing, Brunt dashes along the corridor. He reaches the door, which opens onto...


24 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – SHUTTLE BAY


...another three Kalani stepping off the transporter, in rough, makeshift outfits. Brunt runs straight to Bijon at the transporter controls, hisses at him.

BRUNT
Bijon, don’t you know what an
appointment is?​

BIJON
(thinks for a beat)
I’ve never been to... Appointia.​

KALANI 3
Where is Pel?​

BRUNT
Pel is setting up the display
models for you to browse. She
sent me to greet you. Bijon,
please inform Pel that... uh...
that a member of the Kalani
Republican People’s Democratic
Front is waiting to meet her.​

And Brunt dashes back out of the room again.


25 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – CORRIDOR


Panic levels increasing, Brunt runs back down the corridor, to another door, which opens onto...


26 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – MESS HALL


Gaila looks up from the table at Brunt’s entrance...

GAILA
Ah, Brunt. You’re just in time
to witness -​

But Brunt doesn’t care about that. He ignores the Kalani gathered nearby and rushes straight to Gaila, whispering into his ear...

BRUNT
They’re... all... here.​

GAILA
What? How?​

BRUNT
That half-Pakled idiot servant
of yours.​

GAILA
(sigh)
I should have sent one of the
Breen to supervise.​

BRUNT
Who’d have thought running the
transporter was a two-man job?​

GAILA
Anyone who knew Bijon.​

Brunt whimpers – what do they do?


27 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – SHOWROOM


Pel shows the third group of Kalani – the People’s Front – around a display of Cardassian weapons. As they browse, she glances over her shoulder to the door with a nervous smile.


28 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – BRUNT’S CABIN


On the edge of panic, Brunt grins maniacally as he pours himself a drink from the cabinet, knocks it back, and pours another. He holds the second drink out towards the Kalani Loyalist leader. She looks at him disdainfully.

Then there’s a buzz in his ear. Brunt shrieks and jumps, spilling the drink. He tries to pull himself together.

BRUNT
That was the signal. Let’s go!​

29 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – CORRIDOR


A door opens onto the corridor, and Brunt leads the Kalani Loyalist group out. He looks to the right, and he sees the first Kalani group – the government – only just leaving, guided by Gaila into the shuttle bay.

He squeaks and leaps to block the view, directing his group down the left arm of the corridor.

BRUNT
Right along there. I mean, not
right. Straight. Straight along
there. To your left.​

Glancing back and forth between the two groups of Kalani, Brunt waits until the door has closed on Gaila’s group, and then runs off after his own group.


30 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – SHOWROOM


The door opens from the corridor as the Loyalists approach.

BRUNT (o.s.)
Wait!​

Brunt barrels past the Kalani before they can enter. He pokes his head in, and sees racks set up with Federation weapons, but no other Kalani. He sags with relief.

BRUNT
Thank the Blessed Exchequer.
Commander Lotral, allow me
to present...​

31 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – SHUTTLE BAY


Gaila stands watching as the Kalani government group transport away. He sags with relief as well, and then quickly turns and hurries back out of the room.


32 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – MESS HALL


The door opens and Gaila enters, just in time to see the third Kalani group’s leader place her clawed thumb onto Pel’s padd. He grins wide.


33 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – SHOWROOM


Gaila enters and immediately exclaims...

GAILA
Commander! I’m Gaila, CEO of
Gailtek. Has Brunt been showing
you these prime weapons?​

KALANI 2
He has. They are quite fit for
our purpose.​

Gaila grins even wider...


34 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – CORRIDOR


The door opens from the show room, and Brunt pokes his head out into the corridor. At the far end, Pel is just leading her group into the shuttle bay. Once the door is closed...

BRUNT
This way please, Commander...​

35 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – SHUTTLE BAY


Gaila, Brunt and Pel all stand, as Bijon works the trans-porter and the final group of Kalani disappears. After a second’s pause to be sure they’re safe, all three Ferengi break into laughter, great howls of blissful relief.

Behind them, the door opens, and one of the Breen enters. He stops at the sight of three cackling Ferengi. Even through his totally expressionless environment suit, he manages to convey his confusion.


36 INT. DS9 – QUARK’S BAR


Treir and Leeta are also howling with laughter over some shared joke, no doubt at Quark’s expense. From near the main door, Kira watches, amused.

Then Dax rushes up to her, a worried look on her face. She speaks sotto, making sure no-one else can hear.

DAX
Nerys, we have a problem.​

KIRA
What is it?​

DAX
Bowers just called me from
Ops. Admiral Akaar is on the
comm... and he wants to talk
to Commander Vaughn.
(beat)
Nerys... what do we do?​

Kira understands the problem now. As her face falls in worry...


FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO​

.​

 

[DS9Continuing]

.​

ACT THREE​

FADE IN:


37 INT. DS9 – QUARK’S BAR


VAUGHN, with the party at Quark’s going on behind him. He booms, cheerful and ebullient.

VAUGHN
LJ! And to what do I owe the
pleasure?​

Vaughn stands behind the bar, turned to face the comm screen on the back wall, which features the face of Admiral AKAAR. The admiral is as stony-faced and grumpy as ever.

AKAAR (screen)
The pleasure is all yours,
Elias. I don’t especially
like being kept on hold by
a nervous Lieutenant.​

Around the side of the bar, there’s a large computer panel and an arched doorway where there normally isn’t, of the type usually seen in a holosuite. At the panel are Dax, Nog and Rom all working feverishly to program on the fly. The fake Vaughn pauses, as if waiting for instructions, before replying.

VAUGHN
Well you do tend to intimidate
the junior officers, LJ. Now,
what can I do for you?​

AKAAR (screen)
I’m calling to ask where
you’ve been.​

Dax looks with worry to Kira, who stands to the side with VIC FONTAINE. All make sure to stay out of the admiral’s line of sight. Nervously, Kira nods for Dax to continue...

VAUGHN
What do you mean, Admiral?
I’ve been right here.​

AKAAR (screen)
That’s exactly what I mean.
Why didn’t you attend the
Admirals’ Dinner Party? I
invite you every year.​

Kira and Dax sag with relief. Dax continues to program... the fake Vaughn chuckles.

VAUGHN (background)
Meetings with the Bajoran First
Minister, Admiral. I don’t think
she would have thanked me for
jilting her over a dinner party.​

AKAAR
(screen)
Always some excuse, Elias.​

VIC
(foreground)
I won’t bother pointing out that
you threatened to switch me off
for using these things.​

KIRA
Good. I’m glad you’re not going
to point that out.​

Fake Vaughn gestures around to the fake party going on in the fake bar, all around him.

VAUGHN
Another state visit from another
planetary leader going on even
as we speak.
(smirk)
Really, Admiral. Insulting the
leaders of two great nations
for the sake of cocktails and
canapés?​

AKAAR
(grudging)
Very well. But I had been hoping
to speak with you about the
situation with your Doctor Bashir.​

VIC
(sotto)
What is it you’re doing, exactly?​

KIRA
(sotto)
We need to hand-program your
copy of Vaughn for real-time
conversation, and it has to be
so good that one of his oldest
friends doesn’t realise he’s
not talking to the real thing.​

Dax gulps again – the discussion of Bashir is hitting too close to home. She exchanges an uncomfortable glance with Nog, and goes back to work.

VAUGHN
What about him?​

AKAAR
He was at the dinner. He seemed
a touch distracted.​

VAUGHN
If the good doctor chooses to
hand in his notice and abandon
his colleagues of many years,
his actions after that are none
of my concern, Admiral. If you
want to know his mind, I suggest
you speak to him.​

VIC
Where’s the real Vaughn?​

KIRA
He’s not available.​

VIC
Wasn’t he supposed to be at
the party...?​

KIRA
He’s not available.​

Kira’s tone makes it clear that Vic should not ask further. She makes a “tie this up” gesture to Dax. Dax acknowledges.

VAUGHN
If there’s nothing else, LJ,
I do have an official state
function to get back to.​

AKAAR (screen)
Yes, I suppose so. But you
will attend next year, Elias.​

VAUGHN
Absolutely, Admiral. You have
my solemn promise.​

With a mutter of disbelief, Akaar cuts the signal. Dax sags with relief and steps back from the panel. Nog claps Rom on the shoulder in congratulation. The fake Vaughn goes still.

DAX
Do you think he bought it?​

KIRA
Let’s hope. Nog, this was a
brilliant idea. Thank you so
much for your help.​

NOG
You’re welcome, Captain. But –​

KIRA
(cuts Nog off)
You too, Rom. It’s good to
have you on the team again.​

ROM
It was fun. I’ve missed this
kind of thing.​

KIRA
I know you’re both curious. But
don’t ask me why. Don’t even
think about why. It’s beyond
classified. I need you both to
put this out of your mind and
forget it ever happened.​

ROM
Uhh... I can do that.​

Kira and Dax share a cautious smile...


38 EXT. URWYZDEN PLANET SURFACE


A majestic, soaring shot of the same planet we saw at the top of the episode. Only this is before the war. As we glide gracefully across the landscape, we see white-topped mountains with people skiing down them, alpine chalets and lodges, glittering lakes with gently drifting tourist boats, and gleaming glass architecture that blends in smoothly and ecologically. Everything is relaxed, peaceful and beautiful. An on-screen caption says:

SIX MONTHS AGO​

Over all of this, a friendly, cheerful female voice:

VOICEOVER
Welcome! ...to Urwyzden Alpha.
The three turquoise jewels of
the Urwyzden system are here
for your business... or your
pleasure.​

Gradually we find the government building – the one that will be destroyed by the missile.

VOICEOVER
If you’re looking for a safe,
neutral location for all your
banking needs, the people of
Urwyzden Alpha, Beta or Gamma
will be happy to provide. And
you can be sure of that safety,
because the Urwyzden system
has never had a single armed
conflict in its entire history.
We don’t even have a military!
So come to Urwyzden today, and
let us invest in your future.​

Finally passing THROUGH the window of the government building, and into...


39 INT. URWYZDEN GOVERNMENT OFFICE


A large, plush meeting room, with spectacular views of the surrounding scenery thanks to the walls entirely of glass. Three Urwyzden natives sit in a row behind a long table. They have mottled slate-grey skin, wrinkled and studded. Heads are round and bald, and they have long, pointed ears that flop over at the tips. They wear plain black suits. The middle Urwyzden, MINISTER 1, speaks proudly.

MINISTER 1
What you have heard is true.
We have never had a need of
weapons. We maintain an
attitude of strict neutrality,
even with the Romulans, the
former Dominion...​

Brunt and Gaila sit opposite, again in their best suits.

BRUNT
But what about Orion pirates?
These worlds of yours are ripe
for robbers and raiders...​

MINISTER 1
(sly smile)
Without naming names, gentlemen,
I suspect you will find that
many of the investors in such...
entrepreneurial endeavours trust
the Urwyzden to ensure that
their own assets remain liquid
without outside interference.​

BRUNT
You mean the Orion Syndicate –​

MINISTER 1
The what? I’m sorry, I must have
misheard. For a moment I thought
you were about to suggest that a
purely fictional organisation of
doubtful integrity really existed.​

BRUNT
Orions in general then...​

MINISTER 1
It’s certainly the case that a
number of Orion conglomerates
place funds in escrow with us.
They prefer the convenience of
not having to wait for Federation
bureaucrats to go through the
motions as they would, say,
with the Bank of Bolius.​

BRUNT
And what about races with a lust
for conquest instead of profit?​

MINISTER 1
A race that was truly geared for
conquest – say, the Cardassians
a few decades ago – would conquer
us in short order, yes. But the
other races, who would then be
left in difficult circumstances,
would I’m sure find it in their
interest to make things right.​

Brunt’s big smile slips a notch – opportunity is slipping away. Looking to his side, Gaila seems to feel the same.

The Minister pauses to think. He jumps off his chair, and we realise that he is tiny, barely three feet tall. In fact all the Urwyzden are. The miniature Minister wanders over to the large picture windows, gazes out at the lovely view.

MINISTER 1
Nevertheless, you do bring up an
interesting point. It has been
considered in the recent past –
what with the Dominion war and
the Borg invasion – that some
orbital defence platforms might
be a wise investment. To allow
others time to recognize the
importance of their decision.​

GAILA
(eager)
Oddly enough, orbital defence
platforms are our specialty.​

MINISTER 1
Oddly enough, I thought they
might be.​

Brunt and Gaila grin wide – it’s a deal.


40 EXT. SPACE


The Golden Handshake sits in orbit of a small uninteresting moon on the outskirts of the system – the same system seen at the top of the episode.


41 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – SHOWROOM


The entire crew – Gaila, Brunt, Pel, Bijon, Voloczin and the lead Breen LOK – are gathered in the showroom. The room is set up to display the weapons and orbital platforms they will sell to the Urwyzden. The four Ferengi have drinks in their hands and clink them together in self-congratulation.

BRUNT
Three planets, three opportun-
ities! It’s a good sale, but
a one-off. Profit is for life,
not just for the holidays.​

GAILA
What if the three worlds fought
between themselves for political
control of the fiscal services?
An on-going struggle, kept at
just the right level, would make
for the perfect regular income.​

BRUNT
(licks lips)
Regular...​

GAILA
What you might call a private
little war, of our very own. This
calls for more than snail juice.
Volo, where’s that Romulan ale?​

VOLOCZIN
I opened it half an hour ago.
Where do you think it is?​

Voloczin’s fleshy tentacles flush blue, making Bijon laugh uproariously. Brunt is still a bit creeped out by him.

GAILA
Fine. We’ll bring the Ministers
Of Urwyzden Alpha, Beta and
Gamma up to the ship, in that
order, and make our pitch.​

VOLOCZIN
I gave each planet’s gear a
different casing. Each bunch
are detectable by sensors we
can sell to the others.​

GAILA
And what is this not going to
be, Bijon?​

Everyone else turns to look at Bijon. He sags sadly.

BIJON
Another Kalani disaster.​

GAILA
That’s right.​

BIJON
But they were ready. I just
assumed you wouldn’t want to
keep them waiting.​

BRUNT
Yes, well – you know what the
hew-mons say about “assume.”
It... puts the I in team...
or something.​

GAILA
Forget the hew-mons. Lok will
make sure it all runs smoothly
this time, won’t you Lok?​

The Breen rumbles a response in his electronic language. Nobody but Gaila appears to understand him.

GAILA
Exactly. Alright, let’s get to
it. Business, my friends, is
about to be booming. And booming
business is the best kind!​

All but Brunt turn to leave the room.

BRUNT
I think I’ll stay a moment, and
get a feel for our products.​

GAILA
You’ll enjoy them, I’m sure.​

The rest of them leave. In the doorway, Pel looks over her shoulder at Brunt, who is already approaching the weapons with a hungry look in his eye. Brunt hefts one particular weapon in his hands. It feels good. He lifts it to his eye, looks through the target.


FLASHBACK – 6x10 “THE MAGNIFICENT FERENGI”


The chaos of the practise run in the holosuite, as Brunt shrieks and panics under threat of Jem’Hadar attack...


BACK TO SCENE


Brunt sneers in hatred...

BRUNT
(to self)
It was all Quark’s fault. Quark
and his entire lunatic family.​

POV – TARGETING SENSOR


Looking through the targeting sensor at a circular target projected on the wall of the showroom... only it’s not a target anymore. It’s Quark’s face, smirking back at him.


BACK TO SCENE


Shivering with hatred... Brunt fires.


POV – TARGETING SENSOR


Quark’s face is blown apart by the simulated shot.


BACK TO SCENE


Brunt grins with satisfaction.

PEL (o.s.)
You’re a good shot.​

Brunt turns and sees that Pel never left the room. She’s watching him, curious about him. The two of them are alone.

BRUNT
Let’s just say I have good
motivation.​

PEL
I don’t like those Breen that
Gaila has taken up with.​

BRUNT
I know what you mean. At least
with a Jem’Hadar, you could
see his face.​

PEL
You’ve met Jem’Hadar? I’m
impressed. What did they do?​

BRUNT
They... They died.​

PEL
So the famous Liquidator does
have lobes after all. What do
you know about the Urwyzden?​

BRUNT
More than Gaila does.​

PEL
From when you were in the FCA?​

BRUNT
Just because they fired me
doesn’t mean I have to give up
all my hard-earned information.
Like about the lobeless Ferengi
who deposit their own profit
with the Urwyzden.​

PEL
Offworld banking? There are
Ferengi who do that? But...
But that’s illegal!​

BRUNT
And the law is the law... no
matter how stupid it is. We
should be proud to uphold it.
Otherwise you... wouldn’t be
wearing those clothes.​

They’re actually flirting, intrigued with each other.

BRUNT
We should keep out of the way
of those Breen. I don’t like
the way they look at me.​

PEL
I don’t like the way they look
at anyone except for Gaila and
Voloczin. I especially don’t
like the way they look at
people talking together.​

BRUNT
(smirk)
Then we shouldn’t let them see
us talking.​

Brunt is all smooth and suave, Pel is almost giggling...


42 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – BRIDGE


A screen somewhere at the back of the small bridge shows the showroom, and the conversation between Brunt and Pel. The sound is off, but the flirting between them is clear.

WIDEN to reveal Lok, the Breen commander, watching them...


FADE OUT:

END OF ACT THREE​

.​

 

[DS9Continuing]

.​

ACT FOUR​

FADE IN:


43 EXT. SPACE


The view of the Urwyzden system as seen at the top of the episode. Calm and peaceful at first. An orbital weapons platform sits peacefully in orbit of one of the blue and glittering worlds. An on-screen caption says:

THREE MONTHS AGO​

A passenger shuttle from one of the other worlds glides by. The platform comes to life, BLASTS the shuttle with phaser fire. The ship is destroyed, ripped to bits, no survivors.


44 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – BRIDGE


Pel sits in her pilot’s seat at the front of the bridge, watching this explosion on the main viewscreen. She is absolutely horrified.

PEL
Unbelievable...​

Behind her in his captain’s throne, Gaila grins with glee.

GAILA
In what way? We did come here
for a most profitable on-going
military escalation, didn’t we?​

45 INT. URWYZDEN GOVERNMENT OFFICE


The three tiny Urwyzden ministers now face each other over their grand table. The view outside is now peppered with small explosions and damaged buildings.

MINISTER 1
Murderers! This is unprecedented
and unacceptable! No Urwyzden
has ever declared war on another!​

MINISTER 2
Declared war?! We are victims of
your madness!​

46 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – GAILA’S CABIN


Just as palatial and extravagant as Brunt’s, if not more so. Gaila sits at his comm panel, listening in with glee as the arguing voices of the Urwyzden monitors come in over the channel...

MINISTER 1 (comm)
Is this some kind of attempt
at a takeover of the Board?​

MINISTER 2 (comm)
It is clear that some members
of the Board need to be let go!​

All of this is music to Gaila’s lobes. He turns to Lok, who lurks ominously behind him. The Breen rumbles an electronic question at him...

GAILA
Exactly as planned, Lok. Here’s
to exploiting the weak for fun
and profit!​

He raises a glass, and breaks into laughter.


47 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – GAILA’S CABIN


Brunt just happens to be walking past the door as he hears the sound of Gaila’s laughter echoing into the corridor. He doesn’t like it. It worries him.


48 EXT. URWYZDEN PLANET SURFACE


The gorgeous Urwyzden scenery, now half-way between the peaceful splendour it was and the devastated warzone it will become. One of the small Ferengi shuttles zooms down towards the shuttle port as fighters zoom out of it...


49 INT. URWYZDEN GOVERNMENT OFFICE


The Alphan minister is now alone in the grand office, and greets Gaila and Brunt with relief and enthusiasm.

MINISTER 1
Welcome, my friends! It seems I
was wise to make those purchases.​

GAILA
You know it makes sense.​

MINISTER 1
And continues to do so. I shall
have on-going business with
you, I think. Our own military
is still in its early stages...​

BRUNT
How goes the war?​

MINISTER 1
Obviously we’re doing our best
to ensure it doesn’t interfere
with business. We have also
begun interning Beta and Gamma
citizens in conditioning camps
to be sure of their loyalty.​

50 INT. SHUTTLE


On the trip back up from the planet. Pel pilots, while Gaila slavers over his new contract and Brunt sits nearby.

GAILA
I like that. These Urwyzden are
the best kind of customers.
They’re running the war properly.
Taking it to heart. They’ll keep
us in profit for life.​

BRUNT
The only problem with anything
that’s for life, is that it’s
only for the living.​

GAILA
You’re not going all hew-mon
on me, are you?​

BRUNT
Of course not!​

But underneath he’s not so sure. He exchanges a glance with Pel. Neither likes the way this situation is going...


51 EXT. SPACE


The Golden Handshake sits in orbit of a little moon on the edge of the Urwyzden system. The on-screen caption says:

TWO MONTHS AGO​

52 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – BRIDGE


The door opens and Lok stomps onto the bridge. Gaila is in the captain’s throne. They are the only two there.

GAILA
What is it, Lok?​

Lok buzzes a warning.

GAILA
What? Brunt and Pel? Don’t be
ridiculous. You must be joking.​

Lok buzzes again.

GAILA
No, I suppose you don’t.​

Lok walks over to the screen at the back of the bridge. Gaila gets up and follows him. Lok pushes buttons, and the screen comes to life with the recording of Brunt and Pel in the showroom. Another clip of them sitting together in the mess hall, then as they walk together through the shuttle bay. And so on. With each clip, Gaila’s dismay grows.

GAILA
What am I to do with them?​

Lok rumbles his suggestion.

GAILA
Lok, you took the words right
out of my mouth. Ah, well. I
suppose it’s that time again.
Time to lay off the workers.​

Lok’s response manages to express his powerful joy at the prospect. The towering Breen stomps back out of the bridge again, eager to get to work.


53 INT. SHUTTLE


Pel is alone, driving the shuttle with a new shipment of weapons down towards one of the planets. She’s quite happy doing her job, not a care in the world.

There’s an alert on her panels, and she checks. She nods with understanding and relief – it’s nothing.


54 EXT. SPACE


The shuttle is approaching one of the unmanned defence platforms, currently inactive.


55 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – SHUTTLE BAY

Lok stands at a control panel in the shuttle bay. Readings are passing over his screen. He presses a button...


56 EXT. SPACE


The defence platform suddenly turns, bursting to life, and FIRES on Pel’s shuttle.


57 INT. SHUTTLE


Chaos and explosions as the shuttle is fired upon. The windscreen shatters, spider-cracks spreading. A forcefield pops into place, but that’s the least of Pel’s worries. Her console is on fire, instruments are dying, and the planet’s surface is approaching fast.

She panics, using all her piloting skills to keep the shuttle under control as best she can...


58 EXT. URWYZDEN PLANET SURFACE


The tiny shuttle plummets to earth, a burning meteorite surging towards the ground...


59 EXT. URWYZDEN PLANET SURFACE - WOODS


A squadron of the black-armoured soldiers from the opening scene are approaching through the woods, weapons held out in preparation. They all pause in shock as they see...

The burning wreckage of Pel’s shuttle on the ground.


60 ON SHUTTLE


The wreckage is open enough to the air to see Pel’s injured but alive body in the pilot’s seat. The Urwyzden soldiers approach with caution, begin stepping into the wreckage...

SOLDIER 1
She’s a Ferengi! The Ferengi
are important to the Prime
Minister. If she’s hurt...​

Pel groans, making it clear she’s alive. Another soldier has found something else in the wreckage. He holds it up for the others to see – it’s a rifle. It looks similar to the ones the soldiers are carrying, but not identical.

SOLDIER 2
That weapon’s Betan. But this
is one of the people who supply
us with weapons.​

SOLDIER 1
Who says they supply only us?​

The soldiers looks between themselves, worried...


61 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – BRIDGE


Gaila sits in his captain’s throne. On the main viewscreen is the Urwyzden Minister 1...

GAILA
Prime Minister! I must warn
you! I have uncovered evidence
that one of my crew has been
stealing from me, and may be
trying to sell to one of the
other colonies. I’ll transmit you
the details of her ship now...​

MINISTER 1 (screen)
No need. The vessel to which you
refer has already been shot down.​

The screen shifts to show an image of the shuttle wreckage, with Pel’s body visible within it. Gaila smiles...


62 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – BRUNT’S CABIN


This same image is on the screen in Brunt’s quarters, as he listens in to the conversation. He sneers, furious...

BRUNT
So... Gaila is betraying his
own crew. Time to look after
number one.​

63 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – SHUTTLE BAY


Bijon is hauling a large box of mechanical parts across the shuttle bay, by hand. The door opens and Brunt enters, oozing false camaraderie for the gentle giant.

BRUNT
Bijon! You look tired. Haven’t
you had a lunch break today?​

BIJON
I’m alright. I’ll just get this
manifest loaded, then I’m done
for a bit. I’ll have lunch then.​

BRUNT
Oh, but you know what? I just
discovered the most exquisite
tube-grub casserole in the
replicator menu. It’s the best
I’ve tasted outside Ferenginar.​

BIJON
Ohh... that does sound good. I
like tube grubs.​

BRUNT
You wouldn’t be a Ferengi if
you didn’t like tube grubs.​

BIJON
My father doesn’t like them.​

Brunt restrains himself from making a comment.

BIJON
Are you coming too?​

BRUNT
No no, I just ate. Oh and Bijon?
Why don’t you check with Voloczin
that the remote control for the
Alphan drone weapons is working
correctly? I thought I noticed
some degradation the other day.​

Bijon nods to himself, slowly recording each word in his memory. He wants to get this right.

BIJON
Okay, I’ll ask.​

Bijon leaves. Brunt watches him go, tense and nervous...


64 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – MESS HALL


Bijon enters, innocent as always. Voloczin is draped over one table. Lok and the other two Breen are sat at another. Bijon goes over to the wall of replicators, but then turns back, suddenly remembering that he had to ask something.

BIJON
Oh, Volo... are the, um, what
are they called, the remote
control for the drone things,
are they working alright?​

Voloczin jerks, surprised. The three Breen look up from their table, equally curious and wary.

VOLOCZIN
The what?​

BIJON
The remote control things.​

VOLOCZIN
Oh, er, those... well, ya see
mate, the thing is...​

Lok stands suddenly, snapping a sharp electronic command.

VOLOCZIN
Righty-dokey, skip.​

In a terrifyingly fast move, Voloczin leaps right off the table and straight at Bijon. His thick, muscular tentacles spread wide, revealing the wet, gnashing mouthparts on the pale fleshy underside. The mouth comes right for Bijon’s face, the tentacles wrap around his large body...

Caught by complete surprise, Bijon struggles against Voloczin’s crushing grip. He wraps his own powerful hands around the tentacles and pulls, but they don’t move. His SCREAMS are muffled as the mouthparts start to BITE...


65 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – GAILA’S CABIN


Those muffled screams sound through the comm system as Brunt stands inside Gaila’s quarters, a wall panel open and his fingers working like lightning over the controls. Brunt grimaces at the sound, but keeps working. He feels sorry for poor Bijon, he didn’t want to have to do that to him, but it was necessary. He gets on with the work.

On the screen inside the wall panel, a face-shot of Gaila comes up, and next to it, the word URWYZDEN. The rest of the screen is taken up with constantly changing information in the hexagonal Ferengi language. As Brunt reads on, he grows more and more disgusted.

But then the sounds on the comm change. A body thumps to the ground, and the Breen electronic rumbles get agitated. Brunt quickly shuts the panel and hits a key on his padd. He dematerializes in a Ferengi transporter swirl.

The next instant, the door opens and Gaila and Lok stomp in, both furious.

GAILA
Bijon never would have thought
to ask that question on his own.​

Lok buzzes his opinion on the matter.

GAILA
Exactly! Which means Brunt is
betraying me. Damn the FCA!
Where is he now?​

66 EXT. SPACE


Brunt’s tiny shuttle races towards the planet and away from Gaila at top speed...


67 INT. URWYZDEN WAREHOUSE


A large warehouse space in the cold arctic areas of the planet, draughty and unpleasant. Two Urwyzden soldiers drag a body towards us. As they drop it to the ground with a sneer, we see that it is Pel, withered but alive.

SOLDIER 1
There you go. She sold weapons
to the Betans. And that means
the Betans can kill us.​

SOLDIER 2
Make it slow and painful for
her. Maybe cut off her ears?​

BRUNT
I promise you, I’ll be getting
dividends out of my anger.
Every last slip.​

Chuckling, the Urwyzden turn and walk away. Brunt crouches down to Pel, tries to look after her. She croaks up at him.

PEL
Thank you...​

BRUNT
Don’t thank me. I’m just doing
what an FCA Liquidator should
do to a Ferengi who banks off-
world and cheats the Nagal
treasury of its lawful share.​

As Pel realizes that Brunt is talking about Gaila...


FADE OUT:

END OF ACT FOUR​

.​

 

[DS9Continuing]

.​

ACT FIVE​

FADE IN:


68 EXT. URWYZDEN PLANET SURFACE - WOODS


The same woods where Pel’s shuttle crashed. Now Brunt’s fully intact shuttle is hidden among the foliage.


69 INT. BRUNT’S SHUTTLE


The shuttle is powered down, its lowest energy settings.
Brunt and Pel sit talking. Brunt is disgusted.

BRUNT
I should have seen it coming.
Any relative of Quark’s was
bound to be insane.​

PEL
What are you talking about?​

BRUNT
Gaila! Gaila invested here. This
whole war is a cover to allow
him to cash out without anyone
– especially the FCA – knowing
what he’s doing. It’s all one
massive insider trading scam!​

Pel gasps, suitably appalled.

PEL
And he’s happy to kill millions
of Urwyzden to do it.​

BRUNT
I know. It’s unbelievable. The
dead can’t pay.​

PEL
What?​

BRUNT
The dead can’t pay! There’s no
profit in it. I can’t sell to
dead people.​

PEL
You’re really not what I was
expecting, Brunt.
(beat)
I was thinking... Gailtek is
doomed now, surely?​

BRUNT
Not necessarily. But we’re not
going to be a part of it any
more. Are we?​

PEL
The thought occurs that you
need a new partner.​

BRUNT
So do you, if you want to be...
(shudder)
...a profit-earning female.​

PEL
So, if we’re partners... what
do we do next?​

Brunt grins a toothy grin. He has exactly the answer.

BRUNT
As a business rival, we want to
ruin Gaila and outdo his profits.
As a loyal retired Liquidator of
the FCA – and partner – we want
Gaila brought to justice. And as
the people he tried to kill...
we want revenge.
(beat)
Call all three ministers. Tell
them I’m going to give them
what they want. And Pel?​

PEL
Yes?​

BRUNT
Make all three appointments
for the same time.​

70 EXT. SPACE


The Golden Handshake sits in orbit of its little moon on the edge of the Urwyzden system. All is peaceful...

Until three of the small Urwyzden fighters converge on the Ferengi ship... and open fire.


71 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – BRIDGE


Voloczin is alone on the bridge. Proximity alarms suddenly sound, and the large fleshy octopus-spider-thing leaps to check the readings, its tentacles flushing orange.

VOLOCZIN
Yer what?​

The ship ROCKS under fire. Panels explode and sparks fly.

VOLOCZIN
Bugger this. I’m offski.​

Voloczin quickly makes for the door...


72 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – CORRIDOR


...Only to find a firefight already in progress.

Two Breen are exchanging phaser bolts with a seeming army of the diminutive Urwyzden soldiers. They may be small, but their sheer number is overwhelming the larger Breen...


73 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – GAILA’S CABIN


Gaila is asleep in his cabin, until he’s awakened by the sounds of phaser fire in the corridor, the rocking of the ship under fire from outside... and a blaring ALARM.

COMPUTER
Autodestruct in five minutes.​

Gaila’s eyes go wide and he screams in panic.

GAILA
Computer! Cancel autodestruct!
Authorisation Gaila four four
two seven nine omicron!​

COMPUTER
Autodestruct sequence cannot
be cancelled. Autodestruct in
four minutes thirty seconds.​

Panic growing, Gaila leaps out of bed.


74 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – CORRIDOR


One of the Breen goes down under multiple phaser shots from the Urwyzden soldiers.

Voloczin leaps up to the ceiling, his tentacles carrying him quickly across it in an attempt to get past the battle.

Some Urwyzden take aim at him. He leaps down right on top of them, stretches his tentacles out wide, snatches a tiny Urwyzden body in each and SNAPS each one’s neck.

Behind him the second Breen goes down. That leaves just him and all the remaining Urwyzden soldiers. They all take aim and FIRE...

And Voloczin’s large body EXPLODES like a fleshy balloon.


75 INT. GOLDEN HANDSHAKE – SHUTTLE BAY


Gaila rushes into the shuttle bay (which has no shuttles in it) and sees Lok already working the transporter controls.

GAILA
Lok! Set coordinates for the
spaceport on Urwyzden Alpha.
We’ll blend in with everyone
else who’s leaving the -​

Before Gaila can finish, a phaser SHOT blasts Lok, making his environment suit spasm with bolts of electricity. The Breen soldier slumps to the ground with a gurgle, the suit smoking with burned-out circuitry. Gaila shrieks...

BRUNT
Brunt. FCA... ish.​

Brunt steps forward out of the corner with a victorious, predatorial grin, his weapon aimed right at Gaila.

BRUNT
You’re going to be a celebrity,
Gaila. The first Ferengi war
criminal. And I must say, it
gives me great pleasure to
arrest you as a war criminal –​

GAILA
If I’m a war criminal, then so
are you!​

BRUNT
(ignores him)
- As an offensively poor example
of Ferengi morals, and as a
personal threat to my own
profits and opportunities.​

GAILA
(laughs)
What profits? The moment you
ran out I seized your share.​

BRUNT
(delighted)
Then I’ll add breach of contract.​

GAILA
Add what you like, but if we’re
still here in thirty seconds –​

BRUNT
Step onto the pad.​

Brunt gestures with the weapon towards the transporter pad. Gaila does as he’s told. Brunt presses controls on the panel, then steps up beside Gaila. The moment the coils power up, Gaila LUNGES for the weapon in Brunt’s hands. The pair dissolve in a Ferengi transporter swirl...


76 EXT. SPACE


The attacking Urwyzden fighters quickly break off and scatter, getting out of the way...

And then the Golden Handshake EXPLODES.


77 EXT. SHUTTLE PORT


Back to the beginning of the episode. Gaila and Brunt roll over each other on their way down the slanted surface of the shuttle port, an unidentifiable flurry of punches and scratches and yells and yelps.

Hitting the ground, they both reach for a weapon, spinning on the spot to point them at each other’s face.

BRUNT
(smug)
Gaila. If only you were Quark...
That’s the only way this moment
could be any more delicious.​

GAILA
You’re finished too, Brunt! It’s
a mutual loss scenario!​

Keeping his weapon trained on Gaila, Brunt glances to the side. Squadrons of Urwyzden soldiers are closing in on them from all directions, weapons drawn and pointed at the pair of Ferengi. Brunt sighs and shakes his head.

BRUNT
How did my life come to this?​

GAILA
If you want us to cross each
other, fine! But we should at
least get off world first.
There’s no profit in being
killed by these troops!​

BRUNT
Profit is still profit even if
it comes as something other
than latinum. But you’re right.
We’re both Ferengi, and that
should come first.​

Gaila relaxes, a little relieved. Together, they turn and point their weapons towards the approaching Urwyzden...

But once Gaila’s attention is diverted, Brunt spins back and CLUBS Gaila over the head with his rifle.

Gaila tumbles to the ground. Brunt quickly grabs his weapon and throws it away, then shoves his enemy towards the soldiers. They grab him and restrain him. Gaila stares back at Brunt, dumbfounded.

GAILA
What are you doing?!​

BRUNT
The Rules of Acquisition say
that there is profit in peace,
and profit in war. But there’s
no profit in genocide and death
camps. You can’t exploit someone
you killed. It’s... un-Ferengi.
(beat)
Plus, of course, there’s the
fact that you’re a member of
the detestable House of Quark.
And any chance to take down
one of those deviants is one
I’m never going to miss.​

GAILA
And where’s your profit? Your
non-latinum profit?​

BRUNT
Well, by exposing you, I stop
the war and preserve future
Ferengi profits. That’s worth
a lot. Oh, and did I mention
I’ve negotiated a license as a
consultant and enforcer in the
region? Not the same as being
in the FCA, but I’ll be doing
the same job in the private
sector. And for more money!​

Brunt laughs at Gaila’s horrified expression. And then the Urwyzden soldiers drag the Ferengi away. Gaila wails and squeals and begs, but the Urwyzden don’t listen.

Brunt turns and looks out over the scene before him. He sighs with satisfaction. Things are going his way.


78 INT. DS9 – QUARK’S BAR


A huge round of APPLAUSE explodes all around the bar. The crowd is watching the many screens hanging around the room. The displays show financial reports from back home on Ferenginar. They’re in the hexagonal Ferengi script, but whatever they say, everyone’s very happy about it.

Quark, Rom, Nog and Leeta all gather on the customer’s side of the bar, a proper family reunion. Kira and Dax are both nearby as well. Treir works behind the bar, HETIK works the dabo tables for his adoring audience, and Ferengi waiters dash back and forth. The party has been a huge success.

Nog jumps with excitement and hugs his father...

NOG
Dad! A new contract to provide
hipecat cream to the entire
Talarian Republic! Amazing!​

LEETA
Oh, Rom! I’m so proud of you!​

ROM
(bashful)
It was Krax’s idea...​

NOG
But you led the negotiations.
I knew you could do it!​

QUARK
I guess the Talarians must get
a lot of skin problems.​

ROM
I guess...​

LEETA
Rom’s the best Nagus ever!​

QUARK
Hah!​

Dax, Kira, Rom, Nog, Leeta, Treir... all turn to look at Quark disapprovingly.

QUARK
I mean that lovingly.​

They grudgingly let it go.

QUARK
Although I do have to admit,
this visit has been a latinum-
mine for me. This is already
looking like my best month so
far this year...
(new idea)
...although, it occurs to me...
if you would consider taking
a shift on the dabo wheels,
Leeta... and we sold it as a
nostalgic grand return...​

LEETA
No. I have my sweet baby Bena
to look after...​

Leeta turns to dote on her baby girl...

BRUNT (o.s.)
Brunt! FCA!​

Bena screams at the loud noise. Quark does too...

QUARK
Aah!​

Suddenly panicked, Quark looks around the bar, trying to see his long-time enemy.

BRUNT (o.s.)
That’s right! I’m back!​

Bena is wailing, Rom is moaning. Quark looks up... and Brunt’s sneering face is filling every monitor screen.

BRUNT (screen)
And debtors and deal-breakers
everywhere are in for their
worst nightmares!​

QUARK / ROM
Aaaah!​

On the screen, the image changes to show Brunt and Pel standing back to back, arms folded, grinning defiantly into the camera as an overdramatic voiceover bellows...

VOICEOVER
All new!​

Big block titles slam down a word at a time over Brunt’s image, matching the announcer’s words...

VOICEOVER
Brunt the Bounty Hunter! Only
on FCN!​

Quark, Rom, Nog, Leeta stare dumbfounded at the screen...

ALL
Aaaaaaaaaaah!​

BLACK OUT:

END OF SHOW​

.​