Dear Mr. Advice-Dude

[Plecostomus]

Dear Mr. Advice-Dude:

I recently enrolled in the Naval Reserves. Currently my ship date is May 5 2010... between now and then I need to work on getting into shape and learning some basic military stuff. I have a couple of questions for you:

1) Is "Proper Naval Jargon" and "Pirate Speak" the same thing? And on a related note can you teach me how and when to F-bomb?

2) Is it ok to stand watch in a speedo, with a light glaze of Crisco covering my entire body? My father was a Nuke officer and said this was considered "dress uniform" for inspections.

3) Which hand do I salute with? If the person is important enough do I salute them with both hands?

4) On the same subject, is it proper to high-five the president?

5) Is it ok to tell Warrant Officers that they aren't REAL officers? Or is it considered bad form to make them cry?


Thank you for your time, I hope to hear from you soon.

 

[FrontLine]

"Proper Naval Jargon" i ssooo 20th century. "Pirate Speak" is now the official set of terms that the Navy is using as of May 18, 2007. The decision was made to make the service appear more hip and appealing and to make squids feel like they were doing something. As for the F-Boms, it can be used as an adjective, noun, or verb. Use it liberally, especially around Officers and CPOs

Standing watch in the speedo is A OK in the Navy. In fact they expect it. However makre sure you are wearing the proper foot wear. Not doing so can get you thrown in the brig. BUT NO CRISCO. Your father lied to you. Crisco covering is only proper when sitting before your promotion board. Its a sign that you recognize that they are your superiors and are a team player. At any other time you come across as some ass kissing brown noser.

Saluting is also Passe (See general order 327, paragraph 1, section 5, 19 Aug 2006). Chest bumping is now the prescribed form of recognition between those of the naval service. Be advised that when chest bumping a female that if you try to slide your hands in there and honk her bewbies you can get in a lot of trouble if you arent ready to immediately follow through. No one likes a tease.

As for the president, the customer across all 4 services (sorry coasties, you aint real) is to pat him on the ass a la Football (not that pansy shit in Europe, Im talking bone crunching, spine snapping, widow making 'Merican Footabll!)

As for the warrant officers its only ok to make them cry if they are pompus asses. Make sure you video them and play it on the ships CCTV system to ensure the proper level of humiliation. However its always good practice to brown nose good warrant officers. They'll tell you where the good bars and hookers are when you get into port. You chiefs will tell you who is giving up the ass on your ship though.

Any other questions?

Now for some additional advice. The Navy is considering changing their anthem from "Anchors Aweigh" to "In the Navy (by the village people). I suggest you memorize the song and dance moves prior to reporting for basic training

When they go to give you your hair cut, dont hesitate to tell them how you want it cut. All those skin heads you see coming out of there are just too chicken shit to speak up.

That's another thing. Do not be afraid to speak your mind. Nothing will piss off your chain of command than being a mealy mouth yes man. So speak your mind. This is prime territory to use the F-Bomb

When at sea dont forget to bring your skis. There will be plenty of time for skiing behind your ship.

 

[SPOCKED]

Dear Mr. Advice-Dude:

I recently enrolled in the Naval Reserves. Currently my ship date is May 5 2010... between now and then I need to work on getting into shape and learning some basic military stuff. I have a couple of questions for you:

1) Is "Proper Naval Jargon" and "Pirate Speak" the same thing? And on a related note can you teach me how and when to F-bomb?

2) Is it ok to stand watch in a speedo, with a light glaze of Crisco covering my entire body? My father was a Nuke officer and said this was considered "dress uniform" for inspections.

3) Which hand do I salute with? If the person is important enough do I salute them with both hands?

4) On the same subject, is it proper to high-five the president?

5) Is it ok to tell Warrant Officers that they aren't REAL officers? Or is it considered bad form to make them cry?


Thank you for your time, I hope to hear from you soon.

Get qualified, dink

 

[ManOnTheWave]

I can answer this as I have seen every episode of the Sunbow GIJoe TV cartoon series. (Not DIC.)

1) Yes. And the proper time to F-Bomb is when killing ninjas. Like this: "Motherfucking Die! Motherfucking Ninja!!"

2) On a boat or in a silo? On a boat, I'd imagine that would be up to the officer in charge that evening and whether or not he likes you. In a silo, you do whatever the blue flake cocaine tells you to do.

3) Trust your feelings, you know them to be true.

4) Not post 911.

5) Yes, unless they are Flint. Otherwise, you can outrun a desk.

Disclaimer: I have not military experience and do not know what I'm talking about.

 

[Plecostomus]

Dear Mr Advice-Dude:

Thank you for your prompt reply. However I still have a few questions.

1) I have a book here on customs of the Royal Navy. Does the US Navy follow the tradition of "Twisting The Left Handed Andrew" or does that violate the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy?

2) Speaking of, how can I find out about Don't Ask Don't Tell if I'm not permitted to ask and no one will tell me anyway?

3) Is it true that the Submarine force has beer on tap aboard all active boats while Surface warships only get gin?

4) Since my wife is going to stay behind and manage the diner business is it considered proper to sleep around with every willing piece of ass that crosses my path or is this considered bad form?

5) Which is proper address for an an Admiral during a formal inspection: "Sir" or "Yo Homie?"

6) Lastly I keep hearing the term "dress inspection." Do I wear pearls and a handbag? If so I need to get to the mall right away.

As always thank you for your wisdom.

Sincerely,

Plecostomus

 

[The Boy Who Cried Worf]

Dear Mr. Advice-Dude:

I recently enrolled in the Naval Reserves. Currently my ship date is May 5 2010... between now and then I need to work on getting into shape and learning some basic military stuff. I have a couple of questions for you:

1) Is "Proper Naval Jargon" and "Pirate Speak" the same thing? And on a related note can you teach me how and when to F-bomb?

2) Is it ok to stand watch in a speedo, with a light glaze of Crisco covering my entire body? My father was a Nuke officer and said this was considered "dress uniform" for inspections.

3) Which hand do I salute with? If the person is important enough do I salute them with both hands?

4) On the same subject, is it proper to high-five the president?

5) Is it ok to tell Warrant Officers that they aren't REAL officers? Or is it considered bad form to make them cry?


Thank you for your time, I hope to hear from you soon.

WOB not giving you any recently?

 

[FrontLine]

Ok when it comes to FAPing / Beating your meat / Slamming your Salami / Choking the One Eyed Wonder Worm, etc.. just be discrete. Also don't let your man butter drip off of your sock on to the guy in the bunk below you. That's considered gauche (except when above the artic or below the ant-artic circles)

About Don't Ask Don't Tell....don't ask

Subs not only have booze on board, but they have access to all the pr0n you'd want. The Surface Navy doesnt have any of that, much to the dismay of certain female sailors. The only thing the Surface Navy has is a lack of glowing in the dark.

Sleeping around is great, so long as you have prior permission to play. It is bad form to bring home some Japanese girl 6th months pregnant and say "Hey Honey, meet the co-wife" (unless you have prior permission)

Admirals prefer Dude. It reminds them of when they were young and in shape. Sir reminds them that they are old, flabby, and need viagra. I mean come on. How would you like to be treated

As for the dress insepection, stick to the customs of the service. That means no white after labor day and always have your hat and gloves. Yeah the Navy likes its tradition

 

[Plecostomus]

WOB not giving you any recently?

Too much. I'm joining the military so I can get an hour or so of sleep per night.

 

[FPAlpha]

WOB not giving you any recently?

Too much. I'm joining the military so I can get an hour or so of sleep per night.

Yeah.. 6 months at sea will give you rest.. All these lonely and horny sailors..

 

[Lookingglassman]

What I want to know is if "In the Navy" by The Village People is the official Navy Song?

 

[FrontLine]

See post #2

 

[Major Chord]

I've heard that some officers also like being called "G". Also, subs get huge stocks of Ice Cream, so a smart sailor will try and find a way to make a giant milkshake with the propeller.