Crying in Public

[Me-Ike]

In TNZ Deckerd mentioned an experiment in which students got an actress to cry in public and then filmed the reactions of the crowd. Apparently, several people came up and asked her if she was alright.

Which leads me to think that I probably wouldn't go to a crying person to ask her if she's alright. My reason (assuming that I wouldn't be entirely unfeeling) is that if I were to cry in public, I wouldn't want people talk to me so I'd assume that maybe it's the case with others as well. I'd want to be able to stop the waterworks on my own until I am able to go home and deal with it in private.

What are your policies on this? Would you help someone who is crying? Would you want a stranger to talk to you when you're crying? Or would you, like me, probably never even be caught crying in public because you'd be running to the nearest restroom in which you'd silently bite down the sobs until you were able to go out again?

 

[Kestra]

I'd ask if the person was okay and if there was anything I could do, but I wouldn't force the issue.

For myself, the only times I have wanted someone to ask if I was okay where when I was suicidal.

 

[Miss Chicken]

I think it would depend on the age of the person crying. If it was a child or a teenager I would probably feel very motherly and try and see what the problem was.

If it was a mother with young children I would probably approach her as well. If the kids are stressing her out she probably needs a bit of encouragement.

I would most likely ask an elderly person if they needed help.

 

[Hunter X]

I think I would be reluctant to approach a woman crying alone in public. As a 20-something guy, I'd just worry that I'd just creep her out or something. Then again, if it was a guy I didn't know crying in public, I don't think I'd approach him either, just because it'd seem so much more unusual. Whether that's fair or just cultural conditioning, I don't know.

 

[Me-Ike]

^^ Fair point concerning children and the elderly. I'd feel the same when it comes to them, protective instinct and all that.
Would you yourself have problems with crying in public?

For myself, the only times I have wanted someone to ask if I was okay where when I was suicidal.

I sincerely hope that in that case anyone would throw out their feeling of decency and try to help.

 

[Amaris]

I would stay outside of his or her personal space, and ask as politely as possible if they were okay or in need of any help.

 

[Miss Chicken]

I don't think I would cry in public unless I was involved in a very traumatic incident. I think that if that was the case I would have no problem receiving comfort from a stranger.

 

[Amaris]

I don't think I would cry in public unless I was involved in a very traumatic incident. I think that if that was the case I would have no problem receiving comfort from a stranger.

I've been known to hug and comfort strangers based on that reason as well. It's not hard to imagine oneself in the position of the other person. I know for myself, a tragic situation, comfort would be welcome.

 

[RJDiogenes]

I have a tendency to ask people if they need help when they look like they need help, so I would probably ask a lone crying person if they needed help.

Or maybe just slap them in the face and tell them to get a hold of themselves.

 

[Udat]

Child crying - willing to help
Teenager - Not willing
Young Adult - Not willing
Middle Aged - Avoid (Must be a crazy.)
Old Aged - Willing to help

Also depends on the situation.

 

[iguana_tonante]

I probably won't. I'm not very comfortable with visible expressions of emotion, so I would probably not approach them.

If I were emotionally distressed (short of a traumatic accident, like being involved in a car crash or something), I would do everything I can not to show it in public. If I failed to do so, I would just want everybody to ignore it and let me deal with it on my own, instead of attracting attention. So my first instinct would be to extend the same courtesy to others. Obviously, your definition of courtesy can be very different.

 

[Miss Chicken]

When I was 17 I was in a rather frightening car accident. I actually was tossed around the car and though I had been sitting in the front seat I ended up on the backseat floor. I was injured (broken collarbone), mild concussion and other minor injuries but at no point did I cry though this might be a result of being elated that I was alive - during the accident I was certain I was going to die.

I was trapped in the car for at least 15 minutes as the back doors couldn't be opened easily and I was in too much pain to climb over the back seat. An old woman was trying to comfort me, she was crying and I kept telling her I was OK and not to worry.

 

[JoeZhang]

As an English gentleman, I know that only foreign people, practising homosexualists and children should cry in public. If it turned out that it was another man, I would look pained and offer him some shag and tell him to pull himself together.

 

[mari]

I probably won't. I'm not very comfortable with visible expressions of emotion, so I would probably not approach them.

If I were emotionally distressed (short of a traumatic accident, like being involved in a car crash or something), I would do everything I can not to show it in public. If I failed to do so, I would just want everybody to ignore it and let me deal with it on my own, instead of attracting attention. So my first instinct would be to extend the same courtesy to others. Obviously, your definition of courtesy can be very different.

Ditto. Although I would approach a crying child, because maybe they lost their mommy or something. But only if there were no other women around to help the kid.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

If I saw someone crying, I would probably go to them and see if they were in need of comfort. If they wished to be left alone, they'd make it clear and I'd leave them be. It's just emotion. It's nothing to be ashamed or fearful of. Unless its deliberate crying-for-attention without true feeling, but that's not too common in adults (or even in children, really). If it's genuine tears, you can tell, and of course I'd move to help- if they wanted it. Or even just to acknowledge that they are feeling strong emotion at present. I would say we cannot afford to dismiss or ignore one another, or play this silly game of "I'm not acknowledging your actions or feelings because I'm too uncomfortable, move along, move along".

And of course it doesn't matter who they are, age or whathaveyou. All people's emotions and problems are equally valid. I have no time for the attitude of "only certain types of people are permitted to express feelings or be shown as vulnerable".

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Well, if I may be so bold: Personally, I find this attitude of shunning the weak and vulnerable to be a real problem. The weak and vulnerable should be protected. An attitude of disgust at being confronted with vulnerability can only be harmful. And it encourages those who are naturally inclined to tears to be disgusted at themselves even as everyone else dislikes them. How is that healthy or productive- and if the person cries a lot due to personal emotional problems (and crying is not in itself a problem- some people just cry a lot) how does that aid a troubled person in overcoming these problems? Self-esteem is necessary to bring a troubled soul to the point where they aren't breaking into tears all over the place. But it's a vicious cycle, because the more you cry, the more society encourages you to react with embarrassment, humiliation and self-loathing, so the less likely you are to find that self-esteem.

I for one have always been easily moved to tears- tears of joy, tears of grief, tears at beauty or upset, whatever. Even as a child of about 6 I had teachers- who should have been encouraging my self-esteem and sense of self-worth- scolding me for crying. And I'm not talking about any sort of wailing, I'm talking about quiet sobs and tears- not crying for attention like an infant but demonstrating genuine emotion.

If you don't like people crying, why erode their sense of acceptance and self-worth by shunning them? Won't that just make them more likely to cry? At the very least it will hardly make them less likely.

Anyway, please forgive me rambling on here. I know some people are naturally stoic just as some are naturally open with their feelings. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to show your emotions- as long as you don't think less of those who do (with the exception of those trying to be deliberately manipulative with their emotions).

 

[An Officer]

It depends on the vibes the person gives out. I believe you can usually tell by body-language whether someone is receptive to assistance or wants to be left alone. I have seen several women crying on the street, on trains, etc, and if they look as though they are not going to bite my head off, I ask if they are alright and if there's anything I can do to help. I've usually been told they are okay.

I do however think the offer is useful and might help a distressed person not feel so alone, or feel as though they are surrounded by strangers who don't give a shit, which might compound the situation, whatever it is. A little kindness and care can transform a person's day. If I am told to go away, no serious harm has been done to the person, and if they had needed help, they will know it was available.

 

[Jadzia]

What are your policies on this? Would you help someone who is crying?

I'd watch them from a distance for a few seconds, and try to work them out. Is it a drunk? Do they look dangerous? Do they look confused? I'd be most likely to mention the issue to another person, say if it were in a busy shopping centre, and I'd say something like "I was going to approach this person to see what's wrong, but I think it would be better if there's more than one of us". Hopefully they would cooperate, and we'd approach the person together.

The few times I have seen someone crying in public, there has always been someone else closer to the person who has already approached them.

Would you want a stranger to talk to you when you're crying

That would depend on why I was upset. In most situations I don't think it would matter to me either way. But if I was crying because someone had hurt me, or I was confused, then of course I would.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

....I do however think the offer is useful and might help a distressed person not feel so alone, or feel as though they are surrounded by strangers who don't give a shit, which might compound the situation, whatever it is. A little kindness and care can transform a person's day. If I am told to go away, no serious harm has been done to the person, and if they had needed help, they will know it was available.

Exactly. I feel the same way. And the trick is to demonstrate that you find no shame in their tears- let them know they have done no wrong.

 

[An Officer]

^ I am sorry anyone ever made you feel that it was shameful to cry. What a terrible idea to instill in a child. It's like telling someone never to sneeze. It's a normal biological response which cannot always be overcome, and which provides release and relief for the body. What in the world could be shameful about that! I went through a difficult period in which I never cried, and I do think it was more harmful than useful! In my case, it was not because I was ashamed, but because I did not at all want to acknowledge that anything was amiss. In my opinion, crying in distressing situations is a more balanced and healthy response than showing no emotion at all.