Cracked: 5 Movie Fan Theories That Make More Sense Than the Movie

[Gaith]

There were a few Cracked threads posted at the beginning of the week, but I didn't see any about this awesome article, so here's a thread for it and your reactions thereto.


5 Movie Fan Theories That Make More Sense Than the Movie


#5. Harry Potter Isn't the Chosen One; His Inept Classmate Is

In a nutshell: Neville is the Chosen One, and Dumby let Harry get all the publicity (and thus mortal danger) to shield him.

Gaith's take: I love this. I've gone on record elsewhere as saying the HP series sucked after Year 4; a twist such as this would have been a welcome corrective.



#4. The Matrix: Neo is a Machine

In a nutshell: The whole series is a present-day simulation designed to teach AIs about pain, in the hopes that they learn never to Skynet us all.

Gaith's take: this could have been really cool and (as the article itself points out) explained Keanu's (and, really, everyone's) iffy acting. I kinda like the destination the movies reached even though the journey grew lame, but this should definitely have been considered at least.



#3. Twilight's Bella Is Part Werewolf

In a nutshell: Bella's trace werewolf ancestry explains why people can't mind-read her, and how she's able to conceive a live vampire baby.

Gaith's take: This theory certainly seems to make infinitely more sense than what actually happens, but do any of us really give a darn?



#2. Battlestar Galactica's Cylons Are Robot Syphilis

Haven't watched BSG, so I'll skip this one.



#1. Star Wars: Obi-Wan Kenobi is OB-1, Clone Warrior

In a nutshell: "OB-1" is a clone. The real Obi would get a surprise death at the end of Ep. II, and the clone wars would then be oodles of Jedi clones on both sides.

Gaith's take: While this idea isn't quite compatible with my beloved Thrawn trilogy, it makes lots of sense, and would definitely have given the PT the sort of kick it sorely lacked. I wouldn't have done it myself, but if it had been done, and done well, I might well have gone along with it.



Well? What say you all?

 

[Christopher]

I've never agreed with the attitude that Neo's ability to control the sentinel robots outside the Matrix was somehow magical or in violation of the established rules, or proof that Zion was just another layer of the simulation. His head and back, like everyone else's, are full of computer ports. Clearly he has some hardware installed to allow the interface. Neo's ability to control machines in the real, physical world needn't be any more mysterious than Bluetooth. True, wireless capability doesn't automatically follow from the use of physical connections, but my laptop has both a wireless modem and various physical ports for plugging things in, and my printer is designed with both USB and wireless modes.

As for the Harry/Neville theory, I thought that actually was a plot point in the final book, that the prophecy could apply equally to both, and Neville did turn out to be quite important in his own right. Rowling's whole point was that the whole "Chosen One" thing was not destiny but just self-fulfilling prophecy, that Harry was only the "Chosen One" because Voldemort believed he was, because circumstances forced him into that role and the adults around him had to prepare him to become worthy of it. So there's no reason Neville couldn't be just as important.

 

[Admiral Buzzkill]

The problem is that you have to give a crap about Twilight, The Matrix and Harry Potter to even follow those theories. Non-starter.

The Star Wars theory is the only kind-of cool one, and it does date back to at least just after TESB. Anakin was a clone as well, which is why one version could have been killed by the other ("Vader betrayed and murdered your father") without making OB-1 a facile liar in the first movie.

 

[Alidar Jarok]

As for the Harry/Neville theory, I thought that actually was a plot point in the final book, that the prophecy could apply equally to both, and Neville did turn out to be quite important in his own right. Rowling's whole point was that the whole "Chosen One" thing was not destiny but just self-fulfilling prophecy, that Harry was only the "Chosen One" because Voldemort believed he was, because circumstances forced him into that role and the adults around him had to prepare him to become worthy of it. So there's no reason Neville couldn't be just as important.

Yep. That's why I dislike applying this one to the title. It doesn't make more sense for it to be Neville and it's pretty clear why it isn't (and this reason has nothing to do with Harry). It's simply the Macbeth school of prophesies.

 

[Temis the Vorta]

I'm not sure how that Obi-Wan theory would rescue the PT from massive suckitude. Overall, the way the clones were handled was just bad, and the PT had many problems unrelated to clones or Obi-Wan.

The Harry Potter theory sounds cool, to the extent I know anything about HP, which isn't much.

I perused the Twilight theory, and regretted it almost instantaneously.

Think about it: That whole "vampire powers go crazy" stuff could easily include making their sperm count go up while inside a werewolf -- sure, why not? They just never found out about it because vampires and werewolves hate each other so much.

However, delving more into the BSG theory...

cylonism is a virus, and the method of transmission is sex. It actually makes perfect sense when you look at the series. During the course of the show, all four characters had either slept with cylons or slept with people who'd enjoyed some cylon lovin' themselves.

So Cylons are created by Cylons having sex with humans? Well, uh...okay. That might have been somewhat interesting and provided a rationale for them not just doing the simple thing and wiping out all the humans in the first strike. But in the end, it would have probably been as stupid as Twilight.
​

 

[Gaith]

I've never agreed with the attitude that Neo's ability to control the sentinel robots outside the Matrix was somehow magical or in violation of the established rules, or proof that Zion was just another layer of the simulation. His head and back, like everyone else's, are full of computer ports. Clearly he has some hardware installed to allow the interface. Neo's ability to control machines in the real, physical world needn't be any more mysterious than Bluetooth. True, wireless capability doesn't automatically follow from the use of physical connections, but my laptop has both a wireless modem and various physical ports for plugging things in, and my printer is designed with both USB and wireless modes.

Oh, I totally agree with you there - but the alternative scenario is still an interesting one.

Rowling's whole point was that the whole "Chosen One" thing was not destiny but just self-fulfilling prophecy, that Harry was only the "Chosen One" because Voldemort believed he was

Eh, Rowling all but made Harry the chosen one by refusing to expand the scope of the series, and by putting Harry in the middle of everything the whole time. And since absolutely everyone had either figured out or heard the big twist that Snape was in fact still good years immediately after she telegraphed that in capital letter at the beginning of 6, 7 could have used a lot more surprise - and thus pizzazz - than it had.

 

[Thestral]

You wanna fix Twilight? Watch Buffy instead.

Yep. That's why I dislike applying this one to the title. It doesn't make more sense for it to be Neville and it's pretty clear why it isn't (and this reason has nothing to do with Harry). It's simply the Macbeth school of prophesies.

Totally agreed. It could've been Neville - if Voldie had gone after Neville. He didn't so it wasn't.

Eh, Rowling all but made Harry the chosen one by refusing to expand the scope of the series, and by putting Harry in the middle of everything the whole time. And since absolutely everyone had either figured out or heard the big twist that Snape was in fact still good years immediately after she telegraphed that in capital letter at the beginning of 6, 7 could have used a lot more surprise - and thus pizzazz - than it had.

Those words you are using. I do not think they mean what you think they mean.

 

[Admiral Buzzkill]

You wanna fix Twilight? Watch Buffy instead.

Problem solved.

 

[Kegg]

The Matrix theory is actually pretty satisfying because it chalks up the bad writing of that franchise to the bad writing of human programmers trying to drill in those sentiments to AI, and goes a long way towards explaining the woodeness of a half-dozen preformances (not just dearl little loved Keanu) and the general flatness of Zion's culture. Those raves and parties being computer's approximations of what they think raves and parties should look and feel like just seems so... natural.

I've never agreed with the attitude that Neo's ability to control the sentinel robots outside the Matrix was somehow magical or in violation of the established rules, or proof that Zion was just another layer of the simulation.

It's a perfectly sensible attitude because your explanation, as handy as it is, was never given the movies.

There's not even any hint that the back of his head has anything to do with this ability - just, as the article indicated, some nonsens about 'the Source'.

Just because a fan theory can neatly connect all the threads in a bow doesn't mean it excuses the film from not bothering to it itself.

 

[Whofan]

Funny thing is, the original idea for Joruus C' Baoth from the Thrawn trilogy was to have him be a clone of Obi-Wan.


There's also an old newspaper comic strip in which Vader trains and surgically alters an actor to impersonate Obi-Wan to fool Luke into thinking he survived. The actor eventually plays the part too well, and turns against Vader.

http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Return_of_Ben_Kenobi

http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Obi-Wan_Kenobi_impersonator

 

[Kemaiku]

I've never agreed with the attitude that Neo's ability to control the sentinel robots outside the Matrix was somehow magical or in violation of the established rules.

Neo had very recently touched the Source at that point, all technology in the Matrix seems to have a strong Wifi component as well as ports, and his attack on the Sentinals uploaded him to the Matrix.

I always assumed he, deliberately or not, piggy-backed the Sentinals constant Wifi uplink to the Source, using it to hack them mentally and disable them. Which unfortunately for him meant that once they were down, closed the link and trapped his mind where it was, in the mainframe.

His later attacks and Sight in Revolutions seems to just be a similar uplink to the computer mainframe overlapping his other senses. Neo has essentially managed to grow beyond the need for a physical connection, using a wireless one instead. A stretch? yes but better than "magic".

 

[Alidar Jarok]

Eh, Rowling all but made Harry the chosen one by refusing to expand the scope of the series, and by putting Harry in the middle of everything the whole time.

Well, the books were called "Harry Potter and..." What did you expect? C.S. Lewis didn't write a Chronicles of Narnia book that didn't feature Narnia. Isaac Asimov didn't write a robot book without robots in it.

And since absolutely everyone had either figured out or heard the big twist that Snape was in fact still good years immediately after she telegraphed that in capital letter at the beginning of 6, 7 could have used a lot more surprise - and thus pizzazz - than it had.

I actually met someone that didn't realize that. I felt there was enough doubt through the years that I couldn't quite be confident, but I felt it was the most logical result after he killed Dumbledore (spoiler alert). Still, the effect on Harry was important. I like the fact that Harry defended Snape and Slytherin in the afterward.

Yep. That's why I dislike applying this one to the title. It doesn't make more sense for it to be Neville and it's pretty clear why it isn't (and this reason has nothing to do with Harry). It's simply the Macbeth school of prophesies.

Totally agreed. It could've been Neville - if Voldie had gone after Neville. He didn't so it wasn't.

Really, the only thing Harry had over Neville was that he was a less awkward kid. This helped him make friends easier. But he also had plenty of disadvantages because he was unfamiliar with the Wizarding world.

 

[Kemaiku]

You wanna fix Twilight? Watch Buffy instead.

Marry me

 

[Gaith]

Eh, Rowling all but made Harry the chosen one by refusing to expand the scope of the series, and by putting Harry in the middle of everything the whole time.

Well, the books were called "Harry Potter and..." What did you expect? C.S. Lewis didn't write a Chronicles of Narnia book that didn't feature Narnia. Isaac Asimov didn't write a robot book without robots in it.

Funny you should mention the Narnia series... you know, the one that switches main characters several times, and is the more interesting for it...

And since absolutely everyone had either figured out or heard the big twist that Snape was in fact still good years immediately after she telegraphed that in capital letter at the beginning of 6, 7 could have used a lot more surprise - and thus pizzazz - than it had.

I actually met someone that didn't realize that. I felt there was enough doubt through the years that I couldn't quite be confident, but I felt it was the most logical result after he killed Dumbledore (spoiler alert).

Rowling totally let the cat out of the bag by showing Snape taking the Unbreakable Whatsit. By bother showing that scene if it wouldn't later bite him in the arse? No, it was quite clear, imho.

And since absolutely everyone had either figured out or heard the big twist that Snape was in fact still good years immediately after she telegraphed that in capital letters at the beginning of 6, 7 could have used a lot more surprise - and thus pizzazz - than it had.

Those words you are using. I do not think they mean what you think they mean.

No? Merriam-Webster defines pizzazz as being "the quality of being exciting or attractive"... and I'm arguing that this change would have made for a more exciting finale. If I've got my grammar wrong, please explain.

 

[JoeZhang]

It's been yonks since I saw the matrix films but although they were filmed together - it always seemed to me that many of the lines and clues in the second film were left over from a earlier draft they seemed to be suggesting it is all just a simulation and were never picked up up in the third (even though they were filmed together) - lines such as the fact that it's causally mentioned this would be the sixth time that Zion was destroyed. At the very least (and maybe I'm misrembering this) - didn't it seem like they were leading upto the fact that Harmann was a program?

 

[Thestral]

Well, the books were called "Harry Potter and..." What did you expect? C.S. Lewis didn't write a Chronicles of Narnia book that didn't feature Narnia. Isaac Asimov didn't write a robot book without robots in it.

Funny you should mention the Narnia series... you know, the one that switches main characters several times, and is the more interesting for it...

Except each one featured Narnia. The title of each book is "Harry Potter and..." thus expecting it not to have Harry as the main character is foolish.

...7 could have used a lot more surprise - and thus pizzazz - than it had.

Those words you are using. I do not think they mean what you think they mean.

No? Merriam-Webster defines pizzazz as being "the quality of being exciting or attractive"... and I'm arguing that this change would have made for a more exciting finale. If I've got my grammar wrong, please explain.

I don't see anything in that definition about "surprising."

 

[Gaith]

Except each one featured Narnia. The title of each book is "Harry Potter and..." thus expecting it not to have Harry as the main character is foolish.

*Sigh*. I didn't "expect" it, and never said so, either. By the time Book 7 came out, I was thoroughly resigned to the failure of Rowling's imagination to live up to the series' early promise.

I don't see anything in that definition about "surprising."

Can surprises not be exciting? When Vivien Leigh was killed part-way through Psycho, I doubt that audiences were surprised and yet bored.

 

[Thestral]

Can surprises not be exciting? When Vivien Leigh was killed part-way through Psycho, I doubt that audiences were surprised and yet bored.

Obviously.

But the two terms aren't interchangeable and surprise isn't necessary for excitement.

 

[Silvercrest]

Rowling totally let the cat out of the bag by showing Snape taking the Unbreakable Whatsit. By bother showing that scene if it wouldn't later bite him in the arse? No, it was quite clear, imho.

She let the cat out of the bag sooner than that. Snape summoned the Order at the climax of OotP when it would have been simpler and safer for him not to (and far more logical if he was on Voldy's side). And no one on Voldy's side ever called him on it, which meant they didn't know. That pretty much told me who Snape was working for.

Of course, it could also have been an example of Bad Writing.

 

[Admiral_Young]

I remember when the "Obi-Wan is a clone" theory started to crop up pre-Episode II, in fact I think it might have been around for longer than that. Didn't really think much of it then or now except that it could make for a great plot for a fan fic. I really like the Neo idea.