CONFESSIONAL thread (ANONYMOUS so tell us the juicy stuff!)

[An Officer]

I would love to see Mr Kirk's_Tight's reaction to certain posts of late...

 

[Aurian]

I would love to see Mr Kirk's_Tight's reaction to certain posts of late...

From a safe distance for all involved, ofcourse

 

[Kirk's_Tights]

haha, I think he would be pissed but I would just send him to his corner and make him behave with my whip.

 

[Plecostomus]

haha, I think he would be pissed but I would just send him to his corner and make him behave with my whip.

I can't decide if I'm aroused or scared out of my mind by you.

 

[Kirk's_Tights]

Did you see Mr. and Mrs. Smith when Angelina wore that Dominatrix outfit?

Yeah.

 

[An Officer]

From a safe distance for all involved, ofcourse

Things getting smashed, maybe over people's heads, feathers flying, maiming of certain men on this board...

Yeah, I'd be checking that one out from a telescope...

 

[Plecostomus]

From a safe distance for all involved, ofcourse

Things getting smashed, maybe over people's heads, feathers flying, maiming of certain men on this board...

Yeah, I'd be checking that one out from a telescope...

On the moon.

 

[JustKate]

The problem (it seems to me) is you think thinking someone is attractive is tantamount to cheating, but I disagree. You can find some attractive even if you are with someone who is the love of your life. If you are not going to actually cheat, then there is nothing wrong with coffee.

However, it can seem somewhat awkward. Why can't you just hang out with you just bring your husband along sometime when he is not working?

Well, I don't really think it would be anything geared towards cheating, it just feels weird to be in a relationship and think someone else you know is attractive. It's different to think a celebrity is attractive but to think someone you have contact with his attractive, it just seems wrong for some reason. If my husband thought some girl was attractive, it would certainly bother me because I would be afraid he might end up liking her a lot more than anticipated and it would hurt me to know he has some feelings for someone else.

I think that is my main scare. Like I said, I wouldn't do anything with him but I don't want to end up liking his company more than I thought I would. It wouldn't feel like the right thing to do.

I'd bring my husband along but that would be another weird situation. No matter who I bring, that person will end up being bored because we'll be chatting away about what we have been doing over the years and that other person will just be the third wheel and be sitting there, probably dying to go home. My friend would also probably feel weird because the third person would be someone he doesn't know so he wouldn't know what to say to them and he would feel obliged to include them in the convo somehow and I know he would rather just meet up with me and chat about our lives instead of chatting with someone he just met because he probably wouldn't know what to say to them.

Confusing, I know, haha.

It is confusing, Kirk's Tights - at least it is to me. Very confusing. I just don't quite see what the problem is here, and yet I am sure there is a problem. To be honest, you have me a little worried about you - hope that doesn't sound too, you know, intrusive.

First, there's nothing wrong with having friends who you find attractive. It's not even unusual - heck, I have some attractive male friends. I mean, you care about them, you have things in common with them, so what would be so odd about finding them attractive at the same time? I mean, unless you get to the think-of-him-as-a-brother stage, which usually takes a long time.

You need to figure out why this situation seems so weird to you. You really, really do. You don't have to explain it to anybody else, but you need to figure it out for your own benefit.

As for why it might feel so "weird," God only knows. Just thinking he's good looking isn't, IMO, reason enough. Your husband's jealousy might be part of the reason. Your feelings of weirdness might be a symptom of something more important. There are a lot of possibilities.

I think a lot of it comes down to what exactly you mean by "find him attractive." To me, that indicates a feeling that is, frankly, no big deal. It's something that happens pretty often, and it means nothing, but nothing, more than "Nice looking guy!"

Now, finding somebody tempting...that's a big deal.

I am also a little puzzled as to why, if you feel so weird, you don't just take your husband along. It's the obvious solution, but I think you're letting your feelings of weirdness blind you to this.

Sure, he'll be a bit bored, but so what? A spouse is supposed to occasionally go along with something he/she finds a little boring just to please the person he/she loves. It'll only be for an hour or two. Haven't you ever taken him with you when you went shoe shopping...or talked him into going with you to a chick-flick...or taken him to a class reunion? Anyway, think of something else that you enjoy but he doesn't. This need not be any different, despite the hot old friend!

 

[Gryffindorian]

A fresh confession. And it's a good one:

This is tough for me to admit to myself. I held off for awhile on the confessional thread, but I felt like I needed to vent today.

Without making this too graphic: I'm surrounded by beautiful women and while I have a measure of self control, sometimes it eludes me...I've dated then married a woman for many years now. I had a whirlwind romance with her, fell in love after 2 weeks...and promptly cheated on her a few weeks after deciding we'd be together as a couple.

The other woman was a "friend with benefits" I had been seeing...best sex I've ever had...we'd do it in public, cars, anywhere.

Time passed, I was faithful for awhile, and then I was out of town with a friend. She was one of the nicest women I'd ever known, incredible body. I came to her room, we talked then cuddled and finally we touched naked and had oral sex. I didn't even feel guilty after this one, I seemed capable of blocking it out. I still talk to this woman but do not remain in close contact, its better for everyone.

Around this time I met a woman online...it started innocently enough, we lasted as friends for months and confided in each other but when we met later I realized it was a mistake. I fell in love with her. I kept the secret for a year...then my wife found out. She forgave me eventually but it was a tough time...little did she know that I was seeing yet another woman.

Again it started innocently, but she was so beautiful, with hazel eyes, long brunette hair and perfect tanned skin it was hard to keep away from her...she actually approached me, no she practically raped me. I saw her a quite a few times. I still have visions of her in the shower with me, she had a mirror we could look into opposite the shower.

However, by this time I started to feel more and more guilty. My relationship with my wife has never been quite the same after she found out about the one woman, how can it be? We're close to maybe 85% of where we were and she trusts me again.

Since the last woman I have been faithful, and plan on being so but occasionally there are still opportunities.....

I'm kinda horrified by this. You need to be honest with the woman that you're with (the one you're married to, that is). Being at 85% of where you were is meaningless if she doesn't know the truth. And think about how you're damaging her everytime you violate her trust. Everytime you have violated her trust.

Come clean and see where things go from there.

Agreed. I'm not one to pass judgment, but isn't marriage supposed to be monogamous? You made a vow to be faithful and to love only your wife and no one else. I think you (the confessor) have to make an assessment of your marriage and your whole relationship with your partner and try to see where this relationship is really going.

 

[Gryffindorian]

The problem (it seems to me) is you think thinking someone is attractive is tantamount to cheating, but I disagree. You can find some attractive even if you are with someone who is the love of your life. If you are not going to actually cheat, then there is nothing wrong with coffee.

However, it can seem somewhat awkward. Why can't you just hang out with you just bring your husband along sometime when he is not working?

Well, I don't really think it would be anything geared towards cheating, it just feels weird to be in a relationship and think someone else you know is attractive. It's different to think a celebrity is attractive but to think someone you have contact with his attractive, it just seems wrong for some reason. If my husband thought some girl was attractive, it would certainly bother me because I would be afraid he might end up liking her a lot more than anticipated and it would hurt me to know he has some feelings for someone else.

I think that is my main scare. Like I said, I wouldn't do anything with him but I don't want to end up liking his company more than I thought I would. It wouldn't feel like the right thing to do.

I'd bring my husband along but that would be another weird situation. No matter who I bring, that person will end up being bored because we'll be chatting away about what we have been doing over the years and that other person will just be the third wheel and be sitting there, probably dying to go home. My friend would also probably feel weird because the third person would be someone he doesn't know so he wouldn't know what to say to them and he would feel obliged to include them in the convo somehow and I know he would rather just meet up with me and chat about our lives instead of chatting with someone he just met because he probably wouldn't know what to say to them.

Confusing, I know, haha.

It is confusing, Kirk's Tights - at least it is to me. Very confusing. I just don't quite see what the problem is here, and yet I am sure there is a problem. To be honest, you have me a little worried about you - hope that doesn't sound too, you know, intrusive.

First, there's nothing wrong with having friends who you find attractive. It's not even unusual - heck, I have some attractive male friends. I mean, you care about them, you have things in common with them, so what would be so odd about finding them attractive at the same time? I mean, unless you get to the think-of-him-as-a-brother stage, which usually takes a long time.

You need to figure out why this situation seems so weird to you. You really, really do. You don't have to explain it to anybody else, but you need to figure it out for your own benefit.

As for why it might feel so "weird," God only knows. Just thinking he's good looking isn't, IMO, reason enough. Your husband's jealousy might be part of the reason. Your feelings of weirdness might be a symptom of something more important. There are a lot of possibilities.

I think a lot of it comes down to what exactly you mean by "find him attractive." To me, that indicates a feeling that is, frankly, no big deal. It's something that happens pretty often, and it means nothing, but nothing, more than "Nice looking guy!"

Now, finding somebody tempting...that's a big deal.

I am also a little puzzled as to why, if you feel so weird, you don't just take your husband along. It's the obvious solution, but I think you're letting your feelings of weirdness blind you to this.

Sure, he'll be a bit bored, but so what? A spouse is supposed to occasionally go along with something he/she finds a little boring just to please the person he/she loves. It'll only be for an hour or two. Haven't you ever taken him with you when you went shoe shopping...or talked him into going with you to a chick-flick...or taken him to a class reunion? Anyway, think of something else that you enjoy but he doesn't. This need not be any different, despite the hot old friend!

All I can say is, jealousy is a complex thing. It comes with a sense of insecurity about the relationship (I hope KT doesn't take this the wrong way, though I can see where you're coming from).

I have very little experience when it comes to relationships, but the last girlfriend I had always seemed very insecure/jealous, always wondering what I was up to, where I was, whom I was hanging out with. Granted, we were both young at the time. It just annoyed me, and I couldn't quite understand her. In fact, I felt I should be the one feeling that way, because she was my "first love" and I had very little self-confidence. Anyway, she and I lost in touch entirely.

My point, though, is that it's normal to find certain people attractive although you're already in a committed relationship. Most couples even fantasize about other people when they're making love. It's not necessarily a sign of infidelity. Having a crush on, say, Brad Pitt, is much different from having a secret romantic rendezvous with an old beau. MT, are you feeling that your hubby might get jealous of this old friend? Or are you more concerned with having unresolved romantic feelings for your old friend? These are questions you must explore.

 

[TheWifeOfBrian]

...or you could do what Plec and I do. Separate the "love for each other" and the "normal sexual drive" and partake of the other fruits on the tree. It can be done, and we are quite happy with the results.

Not everyone can do that though. YMMV and all that, not responsible for messy divorces, jealous-rage murder-sprees, jilted-lover induced arson attacks or the like.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

...or you could do what Plec and I do. Separate the "love for each other" and the "normal sexual drive" and partake of the other fruits on the tree. It can be done, and we are quite happy with the results.

Not everyone can do that though.

I know I couldn't. I'm just not wired that way, I guess. I'm quite happy being boring, traditional and "vanilla." (seriously, I don't know how to be anything beyond that, and no disrespect, but I don't particularly want to. I just couldn't have sex with someone I didn't love.)

Drone: I know how you feel. My last GF was that kind of type. She'd yell at me if I even made eye contact with a waitress while ordering lunch! Pathetic, innit?

 

[DiSiLLUSiON]

...or you could do what Plec and I do. Separate the "love for each other" and the "normal sexual drive" and partake of the other fruits on the tree. It can be done, and we are quite happy with the results.

Not everyone can do that though. YMMV and all that, not responsible for messy divorces, jealous-rage murder-sprees, jilted-lover induced arson attacks or the like.

I agree; love does not have to mean that you can never look or touch somebody else again; you don't need to step over the line as long as you are realistic about where that line is for you. Both partners do have to agree on where exactly that line is, though. Some don't want either to do so much as look at or flirt with another. Some like to do partner-swapping. And then you've got everything in between. It only becomes a problem when one isn't honest about it, either to the other or to him/herself; then you get all sorts of emotionally confusing and perhaps even hurtful situations.

 

[sidious618]

First, there's nothing wrong with having friends who you find attractive. It's not even unusual - heck, I have some attractive male friends. I mean, you care about them, you have things in common with them, so what would be so odd about finding them attractive at the same time? I mean, unless you get to the think-of-him-as-a-brother stage, which usually takes a long time.

My best friend is a stunningly beautiful woman but it doesn't matter to me. She's my friend and I'm currently single but when I'm with someone I wouldn't stop seeing my friend. If someone cannot trust me enough to have an attractive friend then they're not really worth it.

 

[Chekov's Phaser]

First, there's nothing wrong with having friends who you find attractive. It's not even unusual - heck, I have some attractive male friends. I mean, you care about them, you have things in common with them, so what would be so odd about finding them attractive at the same time? I mean, unless you get to the think-of-him-as-a-brother stage, which usually takes a long time.

My best friend is a stunningly beautiful woman but it doesn't matter to me. She's my friend and I'm currently single but when I'm with someone I wouldn't stop seeing my friend. If someone cannot trust me enough to have an attractive friend then they're not really worth it.

Agreed.

And that's what it all comes down to: trust. If you can't trust yourself or your significant other with being around someone who is attractive then it sounds like their might be a more serious problem.

 

[trampledamage]

I think you all are reading too much into kirk's_tights's problem. There is a difference between having an attractive friend and meeting up with an attractive old friend you haven't seen in years.

It's one of those 'I know it shouldn't be awkward, but it is' situations.

 

[sidious618]

I think you all are reading too much into kirk's_tights's problem. There is a difference between having an attractive friend and meeting up with an attractive old friend you haven't seen in years.

It's one of those 'I know it shouldn't be awkward, but it is' situations.

Hmm, yes, I suppose so.

 

[Chekov's Phaser]

I think you all are reading too much into kirk's_tights's problem. There is a difference between having an attractive friend and meeting up with an attractive old friend you haven't seen in years.

It's one of those 'I know it shouldn't be awkward, but it is' situations.

But isn't reading into things and making too much over nothing what we do here.

 

[Kirk's_Tights]

........my man's jealousy isn't the problem. I don't really care if he gets jealous because it will pass . My problem that I mentioned was that I don't want to discover that I enjoy my friend's company a little more than I expect to.

Translation: I don't want to develop any feelings for this guy. He is just a friend and I want to keep it that way and want to avoid this meeting until the 'I think I love you' phase is over.

You have to remember that I am also alone most of the time because of my husband's shift so another man's company has a different effect. Being in the company of another good looking male who cares about you as a friend and shows you attention can make your feelings go haywire when you don't get to see your own lover for most of the day, 5 days a week.

Hope that makes sense. If I was able to see my husband all day long, it probably wouldn't be so weird but being neglect of male compassion for most of the day can make another male's attention seem different.

Same thing happened to me last year when I was on midnight shift. Again, our shifts were different and I was on the shift with one of his friends, who also isn't bad looking (again, damn you attractive people). I would come to work, say hi and bye to my husband as he was walking out to go home (yes, we worked at the same place). His friend kinda flirted with me, jokingly, of course, because he wasn't into breaking up relationships, especially his friend's, but it felt awesome to get male attention and I enjoyed it but started to have those weird feelings of attraction.

I got lucky because he ended up injuring his leg so he was off of midnight shift recovering for a long time so those feelings went away and I didn't find him desirable once he got back about a month and a half later. I knew it would be just a phase. It comes and goes.


...so yeah, not sure why people are talking about trust issues. He knows he can trust me but if we happen to get into an argument, I know he will throw it at me just to say something. Otherwise, I know that he knows he can trust me. Trust isn't the problem because I wont do anything, I just rather not have to deal with feelings that sneak up on people.

 

[Gryffindorian]

If you say it isn't a trust issue (and I believe you, I never implied otherwise), I don't think there is a problem with you meeting up with your handsome friend. I understand why it would feel kinda awkward, though. I sense a bit of uncertainty and vulnerability. If you find him cute and have a crush on him, don't deny those feelings. They're normal. You need not mention them to your friend or your hubby lest it might complicate things and cause a lot more jealousy and awkwardness. You're committed to your spouse and nothing or no one can change that fact. If you and your husband need some quality time together, you may want to work together to change hours, take some time off, etc. so you don't miss him that much.