Cheating in a long term relationship.

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

But lets be clear, people who either cheat or set up open relationships aren't really wanting to be with the person they are with... that person is just the best they can hook for the time being. That seems rather depressing to me.

No, people who set up open relationships aren't "really wanting to be with the person they are with" exclusively.

And people cheat for all kinds of reasons, it's not for someone else to declare that they don't want to be with the person they married or whatever. This stuff always gets presented as black and white which is neither helpful nor true. I know people feel good about themselves declaring what they wouldn't put up with and how horrible other people are but it is easy to do that.

 

[Shaw]

I know people feel good about themselves declaring what they wouldn't put up with and how horrible other people are but it is easy to do that.

See how easy that was... you're a natural at it! And now you can feel good declaring something about others.


I, personally, get no satisfaction from pointing out the painfully obvious... specially as I've seen it play out with devastating consequences to people I care about over the last 45 years.

And if you disagree with me, fine... you don't need to mischaracterize or vilify my position. You don't know me, know what I've had to live through or the people I've lost. I wouldn't wish this type of feeling good on anyone.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

IT's not painfully obvious to people in open relationships that they "don't want to be with the person they are with".

It's not painfully obvious to a lot people who cheat either.

Life is more complicated than you reduce it to. Yes people have painful shit happen. And every one of those stories is about two individuals and is different.

Conflating open relationships and cheating is dumb in the first place.

 

[Sgt_G]

'Cheats never prosper', they said.

But they do go to the Superbowl.

My wife always said that if I cheat, she'll kill the woman I cheat with. Me, she'll make suffer for a long, long, very very long time.

 

[Avro Arrow]

A lot of other posters have already pointed out to you that cheating often results in the end of the relationship, so I don't feel I have to comment further on that.

However, I have to ask...

Anyways one of the things I was thinking about was that cheating (one night stand with no relationship), doesn't seem to be near as big of a deal as alot of other things.

Not saying it's something I'd consider, but its surprising less worst than alot of other things that people seem to shrug off.

So, just out of curiosity, what are these "other things" that are worse than cheating, which people just "shrug off"?

I already sense I'm going to *deeply* regret asking this, but I am curious where you're coming from.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

Let's see, worse than cheating..

Being a russian spy. No one ever believes the spouse didn't know.

Being a serial killer. Don't want to breed with one of those, their genes should not continue.

Gambling away the family home, savings, retirement and leaving the spouse in eternal debt. That's the worst one so far!

Sports fan.

 

[HIjol]

...and the band played on...


Percent of marriages where one or both spouses admit to infidelity, either physical or emotional 41 %
Percent of men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had 57 % Percent of women who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had 54 %

Source: Associated Press, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy Research Date: April 8th, 2015

 

[SPCTRE]

My advice is don't do it.

 

[HIjol]

My advice is to listen to SPCTRE.

 

[Squiggy]

The point of monogamy (in my mind) is that I value my wife's love over everyone else's. If I do anything to affect said love, then I've fucked up. So, while I may want to spread my seed all across the fruited plain...I won't, because I respect my wife too much.

If I had permission, I'm sure biology would run it's natural course.

So, if all parties are involved are ok with it, it's not cheating, because it's not cheating if it's an open book test.

But if not, you're a douche.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

Cheating is a form of lying, and lying to your partner(s) is bad, m'kay.

Some things may be worse. Some things may be less bad.

This should not be construed as "have a cheat, bro."

 

[hux]

And I'd think "Worked out fine" would be you still in that relationship.

Relationships only "work out fine" if they never end? Every relationship I've ever had was a success.

Unless you mean that it worked out fine in that you could keep browsing the field until you found something better (meaning you weren't in it for the long term anyways).

I meant that it worked out fine in the sense that being an open relationship had no influence on the relationship coming to an end. I had always assumed I wouldn't be able to handle such a thing but that relationship showed me how little I actually cared about fidelity (with or without consent).

I tend not to judge cheaters as harshly as some of the others on this thread. People aren't goodies or baddies. They're complicated. Life is complicated.

If I had permission, I'm sure biology would run it's natural course.

Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another

 

[J.T.B.]

Dishonesty and violation of trust are the destructive factors. If you have lunch with someone and keep it secret from your SO that's more "cheating" than someone in an honestly "open" sexual relationship.

I tend not to judge cheaters as harshly as some of the others on this thread. People aren't goodies or baddies. They're complicated. Life is complicated.

And yet most of us live in societies where dishonesty, deceit and breaking ones word are almost universally regarded as "bad," and people are judged on that basis all the time.

Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another

And the man who values his "pleasures" above honesty and honoring his commitments would be... what? Rich?

 

[Jedi_Master]

Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another

And the man who values his "pleasures" above honesty and honoring his commitments would be... what? Rich?

Lonely.

Cheating is a violation of trust, and is caustic to a relationship. The relationship may survive, but it will never be the same.

 

[Mudd]

Lying and disloyalty are bad for any kind of relationship - partners, business, parent-child, etc. - and bad for the practitioners.

An "open relationship" is something else again, which at least in principle doesn't involve those negative behaviors.

Unless you're looking for a deal on adjoining cemetery plots, the fact that a relationship may survive a lot of dishonesty over the years is not much of a measure of its success.

 

[Jedi_Master]

The logic structure of an "open" relationship is inexplicable to me, but even in that type of relationship, I would think honesty about the who/what/where would be important.

 

[hux]

And yet most of us live in societies where dishonesty, deceit and breaking ones word are almost universally regarded as "bad," and people are judged on that basis all the time.

You talk as though it's a straight forward question of choosing to be be good or choosing to be bad though. Do most people who cheat think.....here's a fantastic opportunity to really hurt someone I care about......I doubt it. People make mistakes. People are flawed. I wouldn't feel comfortable condemning someone purely because they have cheated. I would need more information

Cheating is a violation of trust, and is caustic to a relationship. The relationship may survive, but it will never be the same.

Some relationships have been known to strengthen and get better after an incidence of infidelity

 

[Mudd]

The logic structure of an "open" relationship is inexplicable to me, but even in that type of relationship, I would think honesty about the who/what/where would be important.

One assumes so, which is why "cheating" isn't really applicable there.

Some relationships have been known to strengthen and get better after an incidence of infidelity

Some relationships aren't much to write home about to begin with. Yeah, the shock of something going badly wrong can cause people who haven't been realistic, honest or seriously committed to actually do some work and build something worthwhile in the aftermath. It's not anybody's first choice.

 

[Jedi_Master]

In the cases where infidelity serves to strengthen a relationship, I wonder if the root cause of the strengthened relationship was the fact that the partners stared into the abyss and decided that they would never again allow their bond to be that tenuous, that going forward they would make sure that trust and honesty were guiding principles, not just vague ideas.

All I know, is that I don't want to forced to use that particular method to strengthen my relationship.

 

[Maurice]

I have known couples for whom monogamy isn't a big deal, and they don't consider their partners having "friends with benefits" any more a threat to their relationship than "friends who go bowling together". Sure, that's not most people, but the spectrum of human behavior is both broad and deep and not everyone conforms to simple binaries like monogomy>open.