Well, that's what this was for.I agree, the dialogue didn't feel natural or have that stylized Star Trek cadence.
I think one of the things that made the script (and I read the whole thing) feel like fan writing was the presence of characters that would later be in Star Trek episodes as Starfleet captains -- Ron Tracy and Matt Decker. (I didn't recognize the other two drinking at that table.) While professional novels from Pocket sometimes use known characters in unexpected places, these just felt especially contrived. With mannerisms that point towards their later filmed actions. It just seemed to scream, "See what I did here?! See?! Aren't I clever?!" Just waaay over the top. And of course, learning pearls of wisdom from Garth by the end of the story.
1) Give the faithful something to latch onto that screamed 'Star Trek!" by adding Tracy and Decker
2) 'Foreshadow' the later canon events by lifting them, 100%, from stuff written by pros
3) Make them deferential to Garth in the extreme - Captain on the bridge notwithstanding, people like Saru, Sulu, Worf, Kyra, Chakotay, and Mayweather are all obedient to their captain but they never appear servile. Even Travis, who is an Ensign and stays that way, and with no mysterious alien blood, does not kowtow to Archer. He respects him and he follows his captain's orders. But it's never this toadyish.
4) And of course Garth offers the big-time lesson.
It's not a comic. It's a 'very special episode'.