Best Witty Dialog Contest.

[T'Girl]

Witty, to be intelligent and clever in perception and expression. I'll start.

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Spock, from Tomorrow is Yesterday ...

The aircraft has completely broken up, Captain ... shall we turn off the tractor beam?

 

[FormerLurker]

Also from Tomorrow is Yesterday:

I'm going to lock you up for two hundred years.

That ought to be just about right.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Sulu: "Aha, fair maiden!"
Uhura: "Sorry, neither!"

 

[Bones_McCoy21]

This is from The Trouble With Tirbbles- Montgomery Scott:When are y'gonna get off that milk diet, lad? Pavel Chekov:This is vodka! Montgomery Scott: Where I come from, that's soda pop. Now, this is drin for a man. Pavel Chekov: Scotch? Montgomery Scott: Aye. Pavel Chekov: It was invented by a little old lady from Leningrad!

 

[Rush Limborg]

This one's a classic--from "Extreme Measures" (DS9):

O'Brien: Should've left a note for Keiko...let her know what we were doin'....

Bashir: Ah, why worry her?

O'Brien: No! I wan-wan-want--her and the kids to understand...why I had to do this....

Bashir: Oh, she'll understand--she'll know. You...you did it for me.

O'Brien: Huh! That's what'll upset her the most! She always said that I...liked you more than I like her.

Bashir: HA! Tha--tha--tha--that's ridiculous!

O'Brien: Right.

Bashir: Well, maybe--maybe you do. A...a bit more....

O'Brien: What? Are you crazy--she's my wife! I love 'er!

Bashir: Of COURSE you love her!

O'Brien: Yeah.

Bashir: She's your WIFE!

O'Brien: Yeah!

Bashir: I'm just saying: maybe you...like me a bit more, that's all....

O'Brien: I do not.

(long pause)

Bashir: You spend more time with me.

O'Brien: We work together!

Bashir: We have more in common.

O'Brien: (tired) Julian...you are beginning to annoy me....

Bashir: Darts? Racquetball? Vic's Lounge? The Alamo? Need I go on--?

O'Brien: I loooooooooooove...my wife.

Bashir: (dreamily) And I love Ezri. Passionately.

O'Brien: You do?

Bashir: Yes....

O'Brien: Have you told her?

Bashir: No, not yet. But I will.

O'Brien: Oh, yeah? Heh! When?

Bashir: When I'm ready! (Pause) It's just that I...like you...a bit more! See? There--I've admitted it.

O'Brien: (Nods in final understanding) Yeah. Well...

(long pause)

O'Brien: I love my wife.

 

[Paradon]

Uhura: "That thing's gotta have a tail pipe."

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

"Sir, there is a multilegged creature crawling on your shoulder."

Just the way Spock says it.

 

[captcalhoun]

Kirk's flim-flamming the Iotians with Arcturian Fizz-bin and asks Spock the odds of getting some crazy score or other.

Spock: I've never computed them, Captain

Kirk: Well, they're astronomical, believe me.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Majel's entire delivery of the 'Computed and recorded, DEAR' scene.

 

[sonak]

"Spock, you haven't changed a bit. You're still as warm and sociable as ever."



That one from Dr. McCoy in TMP is just perfect for that moment.

 

[Phily B]

Bashir: I can't believe you're not pressing charges.
Garak: Constable Odo and Captain Sisko expressed a similar concern, but really doctor, there was no harm done.
Bashir: They broke seven of your transverse ribs and fractured your clavical.
Garak: Ah, but I got off several cutting remarks which no doubt did serious damage to their egos.
Bashir: Garak, this isn't funny.
Garak: I'm serious, doctor! Thanks to your administrations I'm almost completely healed but the damage I did to them will last a lifetime.

first one that came to mind

 

[spot_loves_data]

EMH to Seven: Between impulse and action there is a realm of good taste begging for your acquaintance.

 

[captcalhoun]

EMH1 Stop breathing down my neck!
EMH2 My breathing is a simulation.
EMH1 So is my neck, stop doing it anyway!

 

[Tiberius]

That green blooded sonuvabitch! it's his revenge for all those arguments he lost!

 

[toughlittleship]

Eddington: Attacking two Jem'Hadar soldiers with a pipe? That's a brilliant plan!

Sisko: It could be worse.

Eddington: I know. It could be me holding the pipe.

 

[cblmc1296]

O'Brien to Dax regarding Worf: "Next time you see him, just sniff the air and say, 'Is that lilac?' ".

 

[Paradon]

Gowron: "Follow him...and you denounce all Klingon laws!"

 

[RyanKCR]

SPOCK: Your logic was impeccable, Captain. We are in grave danger.

 

[toughlittleship]

Another Garak one, from "The Way of the Warrior".

Garak: I find all this hand-to-hand combat really quite distasteful!

Dukat: I suppose you prefer the simplicities of an interrogation chamber.

Garak: You have to admit, it's much more civilized!

 

[cblmc1296]

Scotty to Spock: "I know what time it is. I don't need a bloomin' cuckoo clock!"