Bad Joke...
- Thread starter Gil T.Azell
- Start date
Why couldn't Miss Piggy answer the telephone?
She had a frog in her throat.
She had a frog in her throat.
Man walked into a bar and approached the bartender.
"If I show you something amazing, will you give me a free drink?" he asked.
"Show me what you've got and I'll consider it," the bartender answered.
The man pulled a tiny piano from his overcoat and a little man from his breast pocket that was no more than a foot high. The little man sat down at the tiny piano and began playing the most beautiful music the bartender had ever
heard.
Impressed, the bartender gave him his drink of choice on the house.
"But I must ask," the bartender continued, "how did you come across such an amazing thing?"
The man pulled out a lamp from his other pocket, "Rub this lamp, and a genie will appear and grant you one wish."
Immediately, the bartender grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. The genie appeared.
"I shall grant you one wish," said the genie just as the man described.
"I wish for a million bucks!" exclaimed the bartender. With a crack of his hands the genie disappeared and in his place was conjured a million DUCKS. The duck flew all over the bar destroying everything before finding an exit and flying away.
"I thought you said that genie would grant my wish!" screamed the bartender, "I wished for a million bucks and he gave me a million DUCKS!"
"I forgot to tell you," the man answered, "the genie is a little hard of hearing. You didn't think I wished for a twelve-inch PIANIST, did you?"
"If I show you something amazing, will you give me a free drink?" he asked.
"Show me what you've got and I'll consider it," the bartender answered.
The man pulled a tiny piano from his overcoat and a little man from his breast pocket that was no more than a foot high. The little man sat down at the tiny piano and began playing the most beautiful music the bartender had ever
heard.
Impressed, the bartender gave him his drink of choice on the house.
"But I must ask," the bartender continued, "how did you come across such an amazing thing?"
The man pulled out a lamp from his other pocket, "Rub this lamp, and a genie will appear and grant you one wish."
Immediately, the bartender grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. The genie appeared.
"I shall grant you one wish," said the genie just as the man described.
"I wish for a million bucks!" exclaimed the bartender. With a crack of his hands the genie disappeared and in his place was conjured a million DUCKS. The duck flew all over the bar destroying everything before finding an exit and flying away.
"I thought you said that genie would grant my wish!" screamed the bartender, "I wished for a million bucks and he gave me a million DUCKS!"
"I forgot to tell you," the man answered, "the genie is a little hard of hearing. You didn't think I wished for a twelve-inch PIANIST, did you?"
Jeff Foxworthy classic:
If your front porch collapses and kills more than ten dogs, you might be a redneck.
If your front porch collapses and kills more than ten dogs, you might be a redneck.
^ My favorite is "If your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass". 
If you go to family reunions to get dates...you might be a redneck.
If you've ever been too drunk to FISH...you might be a redneck.
If your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade together...well, you know.
If you've ever been too drunk to FISH...you might be a redneck.
If your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade together...well, you know.
If your family tree doesn't fork...
If you stare at cans of frozen orange juice because they say CONCENTRATE...
If you've ever had hot flashes at a cattle auction...
If you have a Waffle House credit card...
If you're still upset that Gunsmoke was cancelled...
If breakfast every morning is interrupted by the phrase "Anybody seen my teeth?"...
If the most common phrase heard at your family reunions is "What the hell are you lookin' at, Dipshit?"...
...you might be a redneck
If you stare at cans of frozen orange juice because they say CONCENTRATE...
If you've ever had hot flashes at a cattle auction...
If you have a Waffle House credit card...
If you're still upset that Gunsmoke was cancelled...
If breakfast every morning is interrupted by the phrase "Anybody seen my teeth?"...
If the most common phrase heard at your family reunions is "What the hell are you lookin' at, Dipshit?"...
...you might be a redneck
If your life has ever been changed by an episode of WALKER:TEXAS RANGER...
you know the rest.
you know the rest.
If your two-year-old has more teeth than you do
If you have five cars that don't move but a house that does...
If you've ever used a weedeater indoors...
If Guns and Ammo Magazine sends you a Christmas card...
If you've ever used empty Cool Whip containers as cereal bowls...
If you've been fired from a construction site because of your appearance...
If you've ever picked up a woman at a gas station...you might be a redneck.
If you've ever used a weedeater indoors...
If Guns and Ammo Magazine sends you a Christmas card...
If you've ever used empty Cool Whip containers as cereal bowls...
If you've been fired from a construction site because of your appearance...
If you've ever picked up a woman at a gas station...you might be a redneck.
If the word NASCAR appeared in your wedding vows...
If your wife's hairdo has ever ruined a ceiling fan...
If you ever said "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"...
Plus I have two I made up, because I've done both:
- If you've ever knelt down on your kitchen floor at 1 AM to eat tacos.
(Bonus points if you used your work shirt as a napkin.)
- If you ever used a bathroom sink as a cereal bowl.
If your wife's hairdo has ever ruined a ceiling fan...
If you ever said "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"...
Plus I have two I made up, because I've done both:
- If you've ever knelt down on your kitchen floor at 1 AM to eat tacos.
(Bonus points if you used your work shirt as a napkin.)
- If you ever used a bathroom sink as a cereal bowl.
If you've ever cut your hair with garden shears...
If your mother has more tattoos than you do...
If your kid learned to count by going "1...Rusty Wallace...Dale Earnhardt...4...5...Mark Martin..."
If you passed wind in church because the seat was called a pew...
If you keep your grandma's ashes in a coffee can and put it in the kitchen cabinet...
You might be a HUUUUUUGE redneck.
If your mother has more tattoos than you do...
If your kid learned to count by going "1...Rusty Wallace...Dale Earnhardt...4...5...Mark Martin..."
If you passed wind in church because the seat was called a pew...
If you keep your grandma's ashes in a coffee can and put it in the kitchen cabinet...
You might be a HUUUUUUGE redneck.
Southern version of The Sound of Music:
Doe, a deer I shot last month
Ray, a guy that pumps my gas
Me and him got in a fight
Fa is where I kicked his ass...
Doe, a deer I shot last month
Ray, a guy that pumps my gas
Me and him got in a fight
Fa is where I kicked his ass...
^
Never heard that one.
Never heard that one.
^ I think it's on these early "Laughing Hyena" albums that Jeff did (before the You Might Be A Redneck album) which are now almost impossible to find because they're out of print and I didn't hold onto my copies. 
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What's grosser than gross?
Having a dream about eating pudding and waking up with a spoon in your ass.
Having a dream about eating pudding and waking up with a spoon in your ass.
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Ridem Cowboy
Hillbilly bob got married and his honeymoon was the first time he'd been off the farm.
He'd saved for twenty years for this, so could afford a classy hotel.
Checking in he said "Me and the new WIFE would like to hire your best room for a week "
"Certainly sir" replied the receptionist. "Would you like the Bridal"?
he looked a bit uncertain, then said "Naw, reckon not, a'll just hang onto her ears 'til we get the hang of it"
Hillbilly bob got married and his honeymoon was the first time he'd been off the farm.
He'd saved for twenty years for this, so could afford a classy hotel.
Checking in he said "Me and the new WIFE would like to hire your best room for a week "
"Certainly sir" replied the receptionist. "Would you like the Bridal"?
he looked a bit uncertain, then said "Naw, reckon not, a'll just hang onto her ears 'til we get the hang of it"
What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite.
What has a whole lot of balls and screws old ladies?
A Bingo machine.
How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
What do you get when you fill a condom with fruit juice and leave it in a freezer overnight?
A real cocksucker.
Two Mennonite.
What has a whole lot of balls and screws old ladies?
A Bingo machine.
How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
What do you get when you fill a condom with fruit juice and leave it in a freezer overnight?
A real cocksucker.
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