Bad Joke...

[Gil T.Azell]

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday
after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second
Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks
for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they
asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

 

[Mike Farley]

Janice Rand complained that someone had cut a peephole into the wall of her cabin.

Captain Kirk promised to look into it.

 

[scotpens]

What were Abraham Lincoln’s last words?

“I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head!”

______________________________________________


A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "Sir, I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

 

[Gil T.Azell]

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland.

One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy! He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly - "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand. I'm Pastor Fluff."

The landlord said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

 

[cooleddie74]

How do you circumcise a boy in West Virginia?

Kick his sister in the chin.

 

[Paradon]

Why does the veggie burger taste so good?


The joke is on him...it's made from pork!

 

[cooleddie74]

How are a condom and a coffin alike yet different?


They both have stiffs inside...but one's coming and the other's going.

 

[Aldo]

Why did the Turkey cross the road?

-The Chicken was on vacation.

What kind of drink does a tree like?

Root Beer.

 

[cooleddie74]

Ten West Virginians are gang-banging a German girl. Things start to get too rough and wild and she yells: "Nein! NEIN!"

So one of them leaves.

 

[scotpens]

A young American man is studying abroad in Europe. He sends a telegram to his father saying, "Need money for traveling expenses. Planning to spend weekend with a French count."

The father wires back, "You don't get another dime till you learn to spell."


(Yep, it's an old joke. Anyone remember telegrams?)

 

[CorporalCaptain]

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

No, who's on first.

What?

What's on second.

Etc.

 

[cooleddie74]

Did you hear about the leper who had sex with a hooker?

He left a tip.

 

[Gil T.Azell]

Bad Joke...A touching Story..

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind." "Thank you for taking all of us with you .

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. "You'll really love my place. "The grass is almost a foot high."

Come on now... you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heartwarming Lawyer story...did you?

 

[cooleddie74]

What do you say when you pull up next to a one-legged hooker?

"Hop in."


Why is Santa Claus such a lousy lover?

Because he comes only once a year. And it's down a chimney.

 

[SicOne]

What's black and white and red all over?

A nun with a spear through her.

 

[cooleddie74]

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

I don't know, but right now it's fucking my wife.

 

[SicOne]

What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus?

I dunno, but it can sure pick the fuck outta field of lettuce, let me tell ya...

 

[CorporalCaptain]

Did you hear the one about Michael Jackson's video?

It was bad.

 

[cooleddie74]

How much vodka did JFK have on the day he died?

Three shots. But only one hit the spot. And it blew his mind.

 

[SicOne]

Two cowboys are out riding fences one day when they come across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. "Baaah-baaah!", bleated the sheep.

One cowboy took off his hat, hung it on his saddle horn, dismounted, dropped trou, and began to fuck the sheep up the ass. "BAAAAH-BAAAAH!!!", bleated the sheep.

When he finished up, the cowboy pulled up his trousers, put his hat back on his head, and gestured to the sheep. "Do you want some of that?", he asked the other cowboy.

The other cowboy thought about it for a long minute, then said, "Do I gotta stick my head in the fence?"