Advice needed...
- Thread starter Peach Wookiee
- Start date
^It's very good news indeed! At the stage Mom is at, there is no way I can care for her on my own. I'm physically not strong enough.
Geez ... I had the exact same response in mind. It's very much in the vein of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. You simply cannot be your best for others until you take care of your own needs and wants.
So helping Dad fulfill those needs and wants is critical to him, and mom.
I'm an allied health professional working in aged care and I see this situation every.single.day. It's heartbreaking.
I don't know what resources are available in the US, but in Australia we're lucky enough to have home care 'packages,' where the government funds a case manager and an amount of in-home care proportional to the client's needs, be it continence aides or allied health interventions, or just someone to do the gardening.
But really, even if you do have access to services like that it doesn't fix the underlying problem. Were I working with your family, I'd try some combination of:
- Tough love. "Hey dad, you know you can't look after mum if you don't look after yourself."
- Talking with your dad's doctor and expressing your concerns. If the GP won't act, find a new one.
- Getting his mates involved to visit or take him out.
- Finding him something to do out of the house. Like, an outlet for his hobbies.
It's tricky, because it probably means you'll need to have some uncomfortable conversations with him.
I'd also say on the topic of your mum moving to a nursing home type situation: it's not really all bad. It can be, of course, and your mileage will vary. BUT, there are a number of positives: the biggest is that your dad will, in a sense, get his wife back. Somebody else is doing the physical and proverbial heavy lifting instead of worrying about dealing with the day to day tasks he's used to as a carer. He gets to use his time to be with the woman he raised an apparently successful family with. The value of that in your mum's final years cannot be understated.
Anyway, I say all this with the distance of a professional. There are no easy choices to be made in these situations...but probably no wrong ones, either.
I don't envy you and your family, but I do admire you. It's hard. It's really, really hard
I don't know what resources are available in the US, but in Australia we're lucky enough to have home care 'packages,' where the government funds a case manager and an amount of in-home care proportional to the client's needs, be it continence aides or allied health interventions, or just someone to do the gardening.
But really, even if you do have access to services like that it doesn't fix the underlying problem. Were I working with your family, I'd try some combination of:
- Tough love. "Hey dad, you know you can't look after mum if you don't look after yourself."
- Talking with your dad's doctor and expressing your concerns. If the GP won't act, find a new one.
- Getting his mates involved to visit or take him out.
- Finding him something to do out of the house. Like, an outlet for his hobbies.
It's tricky, because it probably means you'll need to have some uncomfortable conversations with him.
I'd also say on the topic of your mum moving to a nursing home type situation: it's not really all bad. It can be, of course, and your mileage will vary. BUT, there are a number of positives: the biggest is that your dad will, in a sense, get his wife back. Somebody else is doing the physical and proverbial heavy lifting instead of worrying about dealing with the day to day tasks he's used to as a carer. He gets to use his time to be with the woman he raised an apparently successful family with. The value of that in your mum's final years cannot be understated.
Anyway, I say all this with the distance of a professional. There are no easy choices to be made in these situations...but probably no wrong ones, either.
I don't envy you and your family, but I do admire you. It's hard. It's really, really hard
I'm so sorry about this, Peach. What a stressful life you're having.
Do you have somebody advocating for you at the insurance company? Where I work-- and, granted, we're a non-profit, so we're a bit different from other companies-- we have people whose job it is to help members get the most out of their benefits (in fact, it's part of what I do). We also have case managers who do the same thing, only from a medical standpoint. If you think that you're not getting the benefits you're eligible for, there might be a reason for that-- somebody failed to get an authorization or didn't submit documentation for certain criteria.
I have a friend who spent several years as the sole carer for her elderly father, who suffered from dementia and a number of physical problems. She is still involved in some carer's networks and support groups. She's a real sweetheart and I'm sure she would be happy to help you out with advice and experience. I can put you two in touch if you like.
Do you have somebody advocating for you at the insurance company? Where I work-- and, granted, we're a non-profit, so we're a bit different from other companies-- we have people whose job it is to help members get the most out of their benefits (in fact, it's part of what I do). We also have case managers who do the same thing, only from a medical standpoint. If you think that you're not getting the benefits you're eligible for, there might be a reason for that-- somebody failed to get an authorization or didn't submit documentation for certain criteria.
I have a friend who spent several years as the sole carer for her elderly father, who suffered from dementia and a number of physical problems. She is still involved in some carer's networks and support groups. She's a real sweetheart and I'm sure she would be happy to help you out with advice and experience. I can put you two in touch if you like.
Hi, Peach Wookie, I think I know what you are saying, because I think I was right where you are with my inlaws and parents. If I am right, nothing come hell or high water, is gonna get your Dad away from his wife. But, what worked for me was this; after a while, I got to know when the little lull times were, small amount of time when there was nothing of substance to do. I made tea/coffee in the kitchen, and asked my Mom and Mother-in-law (two different situations at different times) to come in the kitchen, "just for a minute". I asked if I could talk to them and proceeded to tell them I was having difficulty dealing with the situation, and could I talk to them about it. The short version of the rest of it was a nice break, a nice cup of tea, and some pretty good insight on their feelings. It did not take long of talking about my feelings before they were open to talking about theirs, as examples to help me. Not that it turned into a perfect solution or a regular thing, but it broke through the wall and helped a lot!
Good Luck! You are a good daughter and a good person! You are doing the Important and Necessary thing right now! Remember that, also!
Good Luck! You are a good daughter and a good person! You are doing the Important and Necessary thing right now! Remember that, also!
Right now, I admit I'm having a hard time. I was moving a gaming console into my parents' upstairs bedroom and was cleaning out a cabinet when I found evidence of when Mom last paid bills before Dad took over. It was 2005. Ten years ago, if we'd been able to act, maybe she'd still be better functioning. Right now, that realization is tearing me apart.
I'm sorry to hear that, Peach. But it's easy to look back and think about how things could have been done differently. You're not psychic. You've done the best anybody can with what life has thrown at you. Better than a lot of people would have done.
But it's easy to look back and think about how things could have been done differently. You're not psychic. You've done the best anybody can with what life has thrown at you. Better than a lot of people would have done.
Whilst there is evidence that the quicker dementia is diagnosed the better the prognosis, that's a fairly recent thing, ten or so years ago we all knew a lot less about the disease, my mum has dementia and that's probably around the time things began for her, but it still took us years before we realised/or before a doctor actually spelt out what was wrong.
I'll echo RJDiogenes, it sounds like you've done an awful lot of good for your mum and your dad.
I'll echo RJDiogenes, it sounds like you've done an awful lot of good for your mum and your dad.
Thanks. When this all really got going, I remember feeling white hot rage because my mother refused to act. She'd notice something and then say, "Well, maybe I had a stroke!" And then I'd say to her, "Let's get it checked out, then!" And then she'd say, "They won't do anything for me!" She reacted to fear she got when she effectively watched her own mother die. Mom went to the doctor with her mom, watched the toll the cancer took and it caused a lot of fear. The only time I remember her going to the doctor for herself for any length of time was in 1988 when she got a form of Guillain-Barre Syndrome. Even then she wasn't straight with the doctor on everything out of fear.
And I realized Dad's resistance on some things. He said today that he was nervous about having the home health aide even though this person was recommended by a coworker, I think he said. I remember how he was when Mom was in the nursing home.
I just wish I could do more. Today, I'm bringing my nieces to see their grandma. Since I can walk without a cane again, I'm going to walk her for a bit.
And I realized Dad's resistance on some things. He said today that he was nervous about having the home health aide even though this person was recommended by a coworker, I think he said. I remember how he was when Mom was in the nursing home.
I just wish I could do more. Today, I'm bringing my nieces to see their grandma. Since I can walk without a cane again, I'm going to walk her for a bit.
It's a weird thing. People are afraid to acknowledge scary symptoms, as if ignoring them or hiding them will make them go away. My mother had a growing numb spot on her face for several years and never said a word-- and when she finally said something, it was to her dentist (luckily it was just a benign tumor). To this day, whenever she mentions not feeling well or something, I always tell her she should call the dentist.
And feel free to PM me if you want me to put you in touch with my friend.
I'm happy to hear that you are able to walk without a cane.
And feel free to PM me if you want me to put you in touch with my friend.
Thanks, RJ. I only need the cane during flare-ups. I'm just glad to be free of it again.
The health aide was awesome today!
The health aide was awesome today!
Peach Wookie, I was caregiver to my own mother for 24 years. In the beginning, I was ignorant of the help out there for her (and me). I lost Mom last July. I wanted to blame myself for the many things I didn't do, but my family convinced me (and two very special friends here, KimMH and Tora Ziyal) that I really did do all I could for Mom.
I think, as caregivers, we are much harder on ourselves than we should be. I applaud you for giving so much of yourself to care for your parents.
Home health aides are a gift from God, especially the good ones!
I think, as caregivers, we are much harder on ourselves than we should be. I applaud you for giving so much of yourself to care for your parents.
Home health aides are a gift from God, especially the good ones!
