About A Girl...

[Jetfire]

Ok this is going to be slightly boring or disturbing...

When I was 17 I dated a girl we will call (C) from another school who was 15 and we dated for 6 months...during this time we never kissed or had sex...not even close...but we did hold each other and hang out and I had never felt comfortable with a girl around this time...when we broke up it was mutual because she felt like she wasn't ready to go further with a guy and I didn't feel like being with her in a romantic sense if that isn't what she wanted. The following year I am with another girl and I totally blow her off to take (C) to my prom...horrible right? Anyway we have a great time...we were great friends but romantically it wasn't happening...we had hung out a lot few a few years after high school and she helped me get a job at one point...I found out years after we dated after her first year at college she was gay...and I was taken back a bit but supported her...a few years passed and not only was she involved with a girl she was also involved with some guy too they were all a couple and this hurt. After many years 15 years I am still hung up on (C) a girl I never had really in the sense I wanted. I have had relationships since then and I still cannot get over her. Am I crazy? What do I do emotionally to just let her go???

Serious replies only, Please.

[edit] When I re-read this it sounds like some Clark/Lana crap from Smallville season 1.

 

[IDIC]

I am sure I missed something but why were you hurt by her being with a girl and another guy? Did you ever tell her that you were interested in her romantically? You do not really say how close you are to her now. If you are still friends who hang out or if you only rarely see her. Honestly, I am not sure what to suggest as I would need more info. One option is calling her up and telling her how you feel If she has no feelings like that for you then that might be enough to get over her.

 

[Jetfire]

I am sure I missed something but why were you hurt by her being with a girl and another guy?

This is going to sound awful but she said she was gay and for a while acted as such...finding out a guy was involved hurt because I wanted to be that guy...that makes no sense I know...but I felt a little betrayed as a friend.

Did you ever tell her that you were interested in her romantically?

Yes...she knew this from the beginning and I acted stupid by not acting on my feelings...this is where I am a douche yet again.

You do not really say how close you are to her now. If you are still friends who hang out or if you only rarely see her. Honestly, I am not sure what to suggest as I would need more info. One option is calling her up and telling her how you feel If she has no feelings like that for you then that might be enough to get over her.

Actually we haven't spoken since 2002 or so. I would call her if I knew how.

I have always loved her and will...sounds crazy...but it is true.

 

[IDIC]

Maybe she did think she was gay, I had a friend who thought she was a lesbian then felt she was bisexual. That sounds like your situation.

You have absolutely no way to get in contact with her? At this point, if you could find her, I wouldn't recommend jumping into the whole "I have always loved" you thing before finding out more about her. People change and a lot can change in 8 years. She could be married, have children, who knows what else. She could be an entirely different person now. But finding out what path she took might help get you closure.

 

[Jetfire]

^
Just knowing would help...I just want her to be happy & ok.

Me acting like a drama queen won't help if I did contact her.

 

[Holdfast]

a girl we will call (C)

Sorry, you can't use that name, it's copyrighted.

Serious replies only, Please.

I've altered the deal; pray I do not alter it further.

 

[Jetfire]

^
DAMMIT!!!

 

[SiorX]

Not to go all Deanna Troi on your ass, but is there a chance that this is more about something this girl represents to you rather than about her herself?

You say you've not seen her for 8 years and have no contact, so she's not a current presence in your life. So whatever it is that's got you thinking about her so much isn't really about her as she is now as a potential (however unlikely) partner.

What is it you think about when you think about her? What are the first things that come into your head that you think would be better if you still had her in your life? Could be that these are things you could have with somebody else if you can recognise what it is about the memory of the times you were with her on which you're so hung up.

 

[Jetfire]

^
Well this morning I was going through stuff and found the prom picture...I always think about her from time to time though...when I am thinking about her I miss her and I feel sad and hurt but also this over whelming feeling of caring...If she was still in my life...I honestly just want her to be happy but feel she isn't...she has gone through a lot and I feel I added to that disappointment...I am starting to think this is more about me than her...how sad.

 

[Finn]

^agreed. Also, how would you decide whether she is happy or not? Eight years is a long time. Are you going to be blunt and ask her if she's happy? She might enjoy a lifestyle you think she wouldn't enjoy when you knew her.

 

[Finn]

^
Well this morning I was going through stuff and found the prom picture...I always think about her from time to time though...when I am thinking about her I miss her and I feel sad and hurt but also this over whelming feeling of caring...If she was still in my life...I honestly just want her to be happy but feel she isn't...she has gone through a lot and I feel I added to that disappointment...I am starting to think this is more about me than her...how sad.

You need to find something and/or someone to occupy your time. Obviously.

Also I have a feeling your memories of her after all those years may gotten fuzzy and/or mixed up to make it seem like you two had something bigger than really was.

 

[Jetfire]

^agreed. Also, how would you decide whether she is happy or not? Eight years is a long time. Are you going to be blunt and ask her if she's happy? She might enjoy a lifestyle you think she wouldn't enjoy when you knew her.

I am in no place to decide and don't want to even do that...but it is all me and nothing to do with her really...I am unhappy and even though I have witnessed her in unhappiness...it doesn't mean she isn't happy now.

I honestly think when I had my chance with her...I blew it and I am now wanting to have a second chance even though I don't deserve it and time has passed and she has moved on...but sadly...I haven't.

Also I have a feeling your memories of her after all those years may gotten fuzzy and/or mixed up to make it seem like you two had something bigger than really was.

True...even though we both went into a relationship with romantic intentions...it didn't end up like that.

[edit] This may was an immature action by a teenager...but I dumped a girl I was dating and had kissed and been intimate with for a while to take (C) who was nothing more than a friend to prom. ???

And to come to think about it she put herself out there for a romantic & physical relationship in the beginning...she always talked about sex when we were alone and I did nothing.

 

[marillion]

Gotta let this go... I went through the same thing recently...

I dated (L) in college and we were VERY close in every way possible.. It ended badly with both of us thinking the other person was the cause.. Blah blah blah.. Years later I'm still sorta hung up on her even though I hadn't talked with her since 1992 and We'd both married and have kiddos...

I'd think about her once in a while and wonder what happened to her.. All the while, with the hurt of what happened tucked firmly in the back of my mind..

Then the evolution of FB happened and it turned out a mutual friend was a mutual friend, etc etc... So in the end, we connected again..

Turns out she'd been hung up on me and what happened too, and while we're both adults now and have been able to move on, reconnecting brought all the hurt back and didn't resolve a damn thing. We're both mostly happy with our lives now (me more than her) and she now lives in Germany, so it doesn't really matter anyway.. So all we are is left with the emptyness of what was once a an amazingly happy relationship that ended in disaster.. We've both grown tired of the "remember when" and "what if" conversations and have grown distant once again.. But the hurt remains..

Run away brother Jet.. Run away.. Reconnecting will only make it worse.

 

[Mr Awe]

^^ Well, there you go. That last sentence says it all. In at least 2 ways. One, I'm sure it confused her no end. And, two, it probably says a lot about you at the time in that you must've had some issues. A teenage guy not interested in sex?! It's possible she was looking for lifestyle that was a bit more wild than you could offer as evidenced by the fact that she ended up in a relationship with a guy and a girl at the same time!

Just find someone in the present, and she won't be in your mind as much.

Mr Awe

 

[Jetfire]

^
I agree with both of you. I will say I wanted to have sex with her and kiss her and all that much like girlfriends before her and after...but there was something I wanted from her that was beyond a physical relationship and held back a lot to the point where she might have thought I was gay...but I wanted her more than anything and I kick myself for not showing her how I truly felt...I was a douche back then no doubt.

 

[Mr Awe]

Run away brother Jet.. Run away.. Reconnecting will only make it worse.

It doesn't have to be but it depends on what state your current lives are in. I have similiar story to you marillion. Pretty much identical actually. We did reconnect 20 years later. I found her info through our 20 year HS reunion, although she didn't attend the reunion. We reconnected but we are both happy where life has taken us so the reconnection went very smoothly.

So, thinking about it, yes, agree that Jet shouldn't reconnect until he gets his head on straight and his life figured out. Reconnecting when your life isn't in order would just cause problems.

Mr Awe

 

[Mr Awe]

^
I agree with both of you. I will say I wanted to have sex with her and kiss her and all that much like girlfriends before her and after...but there was something I wanted from her that was beyond a physical relationship and held back a lot to the point where she might have thought I was gay...but I wanted her more than anything and I kick myself for not showing her how I truly felt...I was a douche back then no doubt.

Not necessarily a douche, hard to say not knowing you! But, it sounds like you may have had (still have?) issues related to difficulties merging sexual desire and emotional intimacy. Some people have difficulties with that and only have one or the other with the other person.

Obviously I don't know you. Or, maybe you were just nervous around her. Though, with such an opening from her, it seems like something would've happened even if you were nervous--she wasn't!

Mr Awe

 

[Jetfire]

^
I wasn't nervous around her...usually before and after her girls were more forward and I was more reserved...like if she ever just kissed me or what ever...then I would have been ok...but I didn't get the hints an clues about sex back then and she obviously waited for me to make the first move...she was very reserved too...other than talking about sex she seemed to be waiting...and me being a fool...just leaved her hanging.
From talking with her she had more controlling people in her life.

[edit] If I could go back and tell myself something...I would say don't be such a f*cking loser...you love her...act like you do...you douche.

 

[Mr Awe]

^^ Take that attitude and use it to find someone now! Don't focus it on the past.

 

[RJDiogenes]

[edit] If I could go back and tell myself something...I would say don't be such a f*cking loser...you love her...act like you do...you douche.

You know that everybody looks back on their teenage years like that, right? We all have that certain someone from our adolescence that we never forget; and we all have the things we'd change if we could go back to our childhood with our adult perspective intact. Plus, you're in your early 30s now, right? It's natural that you'd start to get more wistful and nostalgic about those halcyon days. So relax and stop kicking yourself because you used to be a kid.