A question for those in relationships lasting 20+ years

[propita]

I've been with Hubby for 23 years now, in like, lust, and love. I've noticed that sometimes, just being in close proximity to him, I still feel very strong feelings of desire for him. And it's not going away; I still smile when I see him or even think about him sometimes.

Most of the people we know have not been together anywhere near as long, and the few couples we know who have...they don't seem to have this feeling. Or they don't comment on it (but I figure that I can ask here). Younger couples know their parents, some are divorced, and say that Hubby and I are a good inspiration of what can be. I do tell them that it can take some work--as in remembering that you're both getting older, heavier, and saggier...and loving both despite and because of that.

My siblings? Nope. My parents? They had not so much desire, but a very very strong love, even approaching 50 years, before Dad passed away.

So how common is it to retain these feelings of desire for a spouse/partner after over 20 years? I'm getting the idea that it's not as common as I wish it were.

 

[ancientone51]

We had 29 years,give or take a couple of months...and we still made each other smile when we thought or saw each other. He made me laugh often, and laughed at my jokes and foibles. And I miss him immensly, so count me as one like you.

 

[propita]

I'm so sorry for your loss, ancientone.

My parents just missed their 50th Anniversary. My father's been gone just over 3 years now. I was calling my parents a few times a week before he fell ill. Since he's been gone, I pretty much call my Mom once a day. Oftentimes, more than that. Mom says that she knew she loved Dad, but she didn't realize just how much, and that she's happy that I do realize that.

I think that's part of it all, keeping the realization of love for this person in the forefront of one's thoughts.

 

[Whoa Nellie]

So how common is it to retain these feelings of desire for a spouse/partner after over 20 years?

I consider myself very lucky because I can't imagine life any other way. Mr. Whoa Nellie and I will have been married 22 years this September. I'm even more in love with him now than I was the day we married. He is my best friend and we commonly refer to our marriage as the 'never ending slumber party.'

Warmest Wishes,
Whoa Nellie

 

[Bloodwhiner]

We have our 25th coming up in a few weeks and despite a long running health issue (~20 years) I have never regretted my life with my wife. She is truly my reason for living.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

I'm really happy for you all, having (or having had) such productive relationships. This thread is putting me in quite the warm and fuzzy mood.

 

[Finn]

Both of our parents have been married for 36 years (married on the same day a thousand miles and two hours apart). Except for Mom's parents, all of our grandparents had been married for more than fifty years. Our wedding is eleven months away. We are nuts for each other, and nuts for being in love with each other. We have done so much, through a lot and still have a lot to live for together.

 

[Mary Ann]

Hubby and I will celebrate 15 years of marriage on July 1st and we've known each other for almost 20 years. We've had some hard times and were separated for a while when his drinking became excessive (he's dry now, and I went dry with him for support, probably making me the only teetotaller on this board ), but he's my best friend and I can't imagine life without him. Long-term relationships take a lot of effort on the part of both partners, and I believe some people aren't willing to make this effort, hence the high separation and divorce rates.

 

[Kestra]

I become slightly alarmed when I see couples divorcing after 30+ years. It makes me wonder if they were always unhappy and took that long to go through with it, or if things fell apart later.

 

[John Picard]

I become slightly alarmed when I see couples divorcing after 30+ years. It makes me wonder if they were always unhappy and took that long to go through with it, or if things fell apart later.

I hope that part in bold helps.

 

[Kestra]

I become slightly alarmed when I see couples divorcing after 30+ years. It makes me wonder if they were always unhappy and took that long to go through with it, or if things fell apart later.

I hope that part in bold helps.

Helps ... what? Helps them find a better life if that was the case with them?

 

[JAG]

Been with Mrs. JAG for 21 years, 18 of them married adn I cannot imagine my life without her. She is the first thing I see when I wake up and the last thing I see before I go to sleep. The rest of the time, she is in my thoughts. My inlaws are married 58 years and my parents were together 46 before my Dad passed away.

 

[John Picard]

I become slightly alarmed when I see couples divorcing after 30+ years. It makes me wonder if they were always unhappy and took that long to go through with it, or if things fell apart later.

I hope that part in bold helps.

Helps ... what? Helps them find a better life if that was the case with them?

Seriously? Think about it. Every time people who've been married a long time and then split will claim, "Well, we just grew apart" but I don't buy that. I bet if the big picture were shown the casual observer would see two people who never should have been married in the first place who stuck together for A) the sake of the children, B) family pressure, C) religious pressure, D) so one or both could build a career. Then, after x-number of years, when the kids are gone, family may have passed, or the one/both are well established in the job they then drop "the bomb", when actually, it's something they knew was coming but never let on to others.

 

[Kestra]

I wasn't sure what your earlier post was referring to. Thanks for the clarification.

 

[propita]

I think John Picard has a point. How many recently-marrieds do you know where the people "wanted to be married," then found out that there's work involved. Or one person doesn't want to compromise. Or doesn't understand that what they're doing is refusing to compromise--they really can't/won't see from anyone else's viewpoint but their own. That's not always someone's fault, because it was never required in their life before. But it behooves them to try to resolve the problems and learn from them, to improve themselves and grow.

At law school, two much younger guys were discussing the relationship of one of them. When I asked if that one wanted some advice, the other asked what gave me the right to offer advice. It wasn't as bad as that sounds, he just wanted "credentials," I guess. I said that I was with my husband for 20 years that year and still loved him. The one with the problem looked at the other and said, "That gives her the right."

 

[stj]

The first step to a long relationship is both partners live long lives.

The first step to a sexual component to long lasting relationships is both partners keep good health.

 

[ancientone51]

^Have to disagree. Since hubby and I got together when he was 40 and I was 32 we didn't have as long together as if we'd gotten together in our 20s. It was what we brought to the table and were willing to work with/on that kept us going as long as he did.

And I hate to burst the bubbles of the young and randy, but he was sick for many years and sex wasn't a biggie any more. Didn't have it, didn't need t, didn't miss it. If the first part is there, the second can actually be missing...it's one of those things you work around.

 

[propita]

Don't forget, the "young and randy" often can't imagine a loving relationship not including a lot of sex because their bodies currently aren't operating at that status. Not totally their fault.

 

[1001001]

My wife and I have been together for 20 years. And yes, she still fills me with lust...

The quality of the overall feelings are different, to be sure. I'm not going to sit here and say that I feel like I did when we were first dating. But we are close and comfortable and set for life. We're more mature, more at ease. I like things better now than say, when we were married 5 years.

I too have been perplexed by couples getting divorced after long marriages (like the Gores, for example). It does make me wonder what could come up so late in life to tear us apart. I cannot see it from here.

 

[Holdfast]

I'd have thought people breaking up after 20-30+ years together was relatively simple to understand. After all, many people used to get married young, with relatively little reason (perhaps even because of something as random as a pregnancy, or other social pressures) and then end up being too "busy" with life (career, children, mortgage, etc) to have time to figure out they don't really like their partner as much as they used to (not to say they didn't at first, but people do change over time).

Also, there's an ongoing pressure (either from external sources or internal expectations) "to "work at it" and "not throw it away", which would have dimished the tendency to end the marriage after say, 5-10 years. Especially, to use digits example of the Gores, in the case where one or more partners is in a career where appearances matter (or used to matter) a great deal, like politicians, or certain other professional groups. Not that appearances would necessarily be the only reason they'd stay together (people aren't generally so simple), more that that logic would inevitably creep in somewhere in their thought processes, if only to subconsciously ramp up the internal pressure to stay together.

Then the kids leave home, or they achieve what they want to in other spheres of life, or they retire early, or whatever, and suddenly they're together more, they realise they're closer to death than they'd like and the realisation kicks in. All you'd have left in that context in the habit of being in contact with that other person. For some, the closeness of that habit will be enough for happiness, for others it won't. In that latter case, relationship over.

Today, people marry older in general so that might theoretically be expected to incline to longer marriages due to less randomness to the pairing, but that's counteracted by not having being with someone for a longer part of their lives (so the habit of a partnership approach to life isn't there as strongly) and the fact that social pressure to force it to work is less these days.

Personally, I don't think it's particularly sad if a long marriage falls apart, provided it's for the right reasons (people growing, finding their new identity is different from their married one over time, etc, etc, etc). I think it usually is for those reasons rather than anything else. Anecdotally, I'd say these kinds of divorces are among the more amicable ones (if amicable can ever be used to accurately describe a divorce), because the reasons are simpler and more "honest" than early divorces.

As a thought experiment: if mankind's lifespan was magically extended to several hundred years, I think multiple sequential marriages would be fairly routine. People and their interests change over time. That's not always going to be compatible with being married to the same person over all those years, I would think. For some, it might still be, but the longer the lifespan, the fewer those pairings would be.