A friend with a Quandry

[marillion]

Not sure I spelled that right...

Anyway.. I have a female friend who has a soft spot for hard luck cases who has a friend who is down on his luck (mostly because of his own doing). He chatted her up at a bar a few months ago and now she can't get rid of him. She's tried cutting all ties with him, but then he eventually calls her needing help and she feels pity.

He's out of work and not eligible for unemployment (for whatever reason, he never applied for it and now it's too late).

He now faces eviction from his apartment. He hasn't asked her, but she feels he's pretty close to asking her if he can move in "until he finds a job"...

So here's the deal.. He's not a close friend, but because my friend is so nice, she feels bad about his situation and mostly just hangs out with him out of pity.

He seems to have no other friends, is lazy about finding a new job, smokes and drinks constantly and has a felony conviction. He trades food stamps with a neighbor for cigarettes and alcohol.

My friend doesn't smoke and she doesn't drink excessively and really doesn't want this guy to move in. However, despite the fact that she doesn't have a job either, feels that since she's in a position to help, she almost HAS to.

I just know that she will find it very hard not to help this guy. She already carts him around to fill out applications and since he doesn't have internet, she scours want ads and the like for him, again, out of pity.

Any tips for me to help strengthen her resolve?

 

[doubleohfive]

He sounds like a few people here in Misc.

On topic:

If she's wary of inviting him into her home you need to give her plenty of positive reinforcement then to support that notion. This guy sounds like he's a whole world of trouble and just wants to freeload. Your friend may be letting her conscience and good-naturedness get the better of her here when she should really be looking out for herself.

It sounds cold, yes, but if this guy isn't going to do anything to help himself, why should she?

 

[marillion]

Exactly this... That's basically what I've been telling her.. She needs to find her own job, but she's lucky enough to have a decent amount of savings to draw on, as well as an extensive 401k as a last resort.. Because of this, she thinks she has the ability to help..

She even says she's worried about him just taking advantage of her.. But sadly I feel her getting sucked in..

Thanks for the thoughts!

 

[Kestra]

Stranger danger! Seriously, this isn't complicated. You don't let random people live with you if you're not fully aware of or prepared to deal with the consequences. Having a roof over your head doesn't mean you have to let everyone else in. There are plenty ways to help out disadvantaged people without putting your own safety in jeopardy. She also needs to just stop talking to him if she doesn't want to have a relationship of any kind with him.

It's okay to say no.

 

[Jetfire]

She will be helping this guy out a lot more by not helping him...this guy sounds like trouble all the way around and he needs to figure things out on his own. She needs to cut off all ties with him! Doing anything out of pity is not good...not good for her and not good for him because it leads him on.

It's okay to say no.

 

[Shatnertage]

She should definitely put as much distance between herself and this guy as possible, as soon as possible. There's no way this ends well otherwise.

 

[Amaris]

Kestra already nailed it. It's easy for nice people to want to help in every situation, but sometimes all that help will do is cause lots of misery and make things worse for all involved. This particular situation is just prime as an example. "No" is the best response here.

 

[Holdfast]

Any tips for me to help strengthen her resolve?

Never going to happen.

Disappear him instead. You're a firefighter, right? Plenty of opportunities for getting rid of bodies...

 

[Spot's Meow]

Let her know that she is not helping him by taking him in. She will just become an enabler, and it sounds like he already has plenty of those in his life. Dealing with him is not her responsibility, not even close. She can be moral support from afar, but there's no reason she has to give him a place to live and food to eat when she isn't even stable herself right now. Just say no, it's really that simple.

 

[scotpens]

Not sure I spelled that right...

It's "quandary," three syllables. You left out an "a."

 

[Ood Sigma]

Ugh, I've lived with a freeloader before. It's not a pleasant experience. This guy had no money and no job when he moved here. We agreed to let him stay until he could find one. Instead of looking for one, he stayed at home all day, eating our food, using our utilities, and generally making our life hell. I was the least outwardly bothered by it, but my wife took an instant dislike to him. That experiment lasted about 4-5 months before we kicked him out. Best for your friend to never let him in if you suspect it's going to end up that way.

 

[DonIago]

I think I know your female friend's friend...

Sometimes I'm glad I just don't have the space for a roommate even if I wanted one. Not that I'd ever take in one who couldn't even pay rent from the beginning.

 

[T'Girl]

Marillion, you might try something like;

"Well sure you can invite him in honey ... but have you give any thought as to how you're going to get him back out?"

 

[T'Baio]

It's like a never ending line of weakness; his problems become her problems become your problems...

Someone somewhere needs to grow a backbone.

 

[Tora Ziyal]

Any tips for me to help strengthen her resolve?

In order for you to help strengthen her resolve, she has to have some resolve in the first place. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like she has any.

 

[Mr Awe]

Play up the danger aspects, which is a legitimate concern. Letting some strange guy move in with her? How does he behave when he's drunk, or high? Does he get violent or sexually agressive? If he's not that close, she really doesn't know. It's a potential disaster in the making. That should scare her off if she has any sense.

Mr Awe

 

[Cheapjack]

In the UK, it's difficult to get people out, once you have accepted them into your home. Even tennants have rights. You have to dump all their stuff on the street.

Unless you go back years, it's not a good idea. Unless you have a kennel outside.

 

[marillion]

Any tips for me to help strengthen her resolve?

Never going to happen.

Disappear him instead. You're a firefighter, right? Plenty of opportunities for getting rid of bodies...

*thoughtfully strokes beard*... Hmmmmm.... Hmmmmm...

So.. an update.. While I was out of town last week, she dropped me an email to let me know that she paid his November rent directly to the landlord (for obvious reasons) and has effectively cut him off from contact (we'll see how long that lasts)...

I guess he's asked her to hang out a couple times but she's now basically avoiding his phone calls.

In a way, I do feel bad for the guy, but in reality, I don't really give a crap. I really feel badly for my friend because she's got such a big heart and uses helping other people as a way to feel better about herself. She has F-All when it comes to self esteem, so NOT helping people makes her feel worse about herself.

Geez it's a tangled web we humans weave...

 

[Robert Maxwell]

I wouldn't feel bad for him at all. He sounds like a douchebag. He's damn lucky he's got someone he can manipulate into paying his rent.

I hope your friend grows a spine and stops bothering with him. She has her own problems to deal with and the guy sounds like bad news all around. Does anyone else know about this situation? If she is easily pressured I would suggest an "intervention" by as many of her friends as you can get, telling her to stay away from this guy. What works for him might work for the rest of you.

 

[marillion]

^^ I know, you're right. It's a crazy situation.. Thinking about it some more, I think once she's able to land a good job (something she's been really actively trying to do) she'll be able to focus on that and not other things.

As far as I know, only one other person know about this and has been giving her the same advice I have. She's good at guarding things from people that she doesn't want to know. She's the kind of person who likes to have a second set of friends who know nothing about her personal trials and tribbleations (yes, meant to say it that way) so she can hang with them and not have them dote on her or look on her with pity, and this guy was one of them. Strange, really..