TNG Caption This! 327: False King

[LeadHead]

Hello Everyone, lets get things rolling!

First up to the plate we have the "DISCLAIMER: Not all users of the TrekBBS suffer from Know-it-allism" Award, going to:

Picard: Did Data just call me a self-righteous, arrogant, pansy, know-it-all?
Riker: I'll limit his Trek BBS visits.

Next, we have the "Worf will not take that kindly" Award, going to:

PICARD (OS): You say he's been standing like this for three hours?

RIKER (OS): Yes sir. He says he's waiting for our guest to finish materializing.

PICARD: Did anyone inform him that Ambassador Trilek is an energy being?

Riker: ...I wasn't going to.

Next, we have the "But what about the Gowron eyes?" Award, going to:

RIKER: I call it my Gowron face.

Batting Cleanup, we have the "Glad he didn't hear that... whoops!" Award, going to:

Troi: It's nice to be able to see you, Will, without having to look around the glaring reflection off the captain's chromedome.

Next, we have the "Memory Failures" Award, going to:

Data: No Commander Remmick, I have no memory record of these alleged breaches of the Prime Directive in the three weeks I've been on board the Enterprise.
Remmick: You've been assigned to the Enterprise for six months!
Data: That would be a problem.

Our Photoshop Award, goes to:

PICARD: Frankly, I don't see a resemblance.

"Captain's Log: Supplemental. I thought it was awkward in the middle of Riker and Troi's 'flirting but not actually flirting' sessions, so I decided to escape to tactical for the duration. Now Yar's looking at me as if I'm judging her every move, second guessing every decision. The bridge already feels loaded with teenagers. Might as well put the Crusher boy at the helm. I doubt anyone would notice."

WORF: It's been over half an hour so this pizza is FREE!

Congrats to our winners and many thanks to everyone who participated! Okay, set up 3 contests in an afternoon, LeadHead sleepy, begin captioning!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

The cast was unhappy when the director refused to give them real booze for this scene.

Troi: Okay, fine. As long as nobody ever finds out about this.

Picard: Okay, I did go and welcome Ambassador Troi aboard, and No it's not what you think.

Riker: (thinking) Yeah, right.

Riker arrived on the bridge to discover the battle lines had been drawn.

La Forge: Course set, Captain.

Picard: Good, the sooner we get to Earth and drop off the Crusher boy, the better.

Data: Captain...

Crusher: Good news, Jean-Luc! Wesley is staying aboard!

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: I said no pictures!!!

RIKER: Drunk again, Captain?

DATA: What exactly is a "prostate" and why does Dr. Crusher wish to examine yours?

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Picard: "Beverly, is that your hand on my ass?"
Crusher: "No. Is that your hand on my ass?"
Picard: "No."
Crusher: "I'm getting seriously creeped out here."

LaForge: "No, Counselor, even with the VISOR, I can see no trace of a hickey."
Troi: "Thank God!"
LaForge: "Such shame! Who the hell were you with last night?"

 

[JirinPanthosa]

PICARD: Don't worry, we'll win the bid for the wormhole. If there's anything the Federation is good at, it's capitalism.

GEORDI: Alright, we have a bet. First one to full commander wins.
TROI (Thinking): This will be a cinch. I'm only one rank away and he's three ranks away.
GEORDI (Thinking): Easiest bet I ever won. Only way she could possibly pass the commander exam is if Riker gives her a hint.

RIKER: Need a hand, captain?
PICARD: I'm no invalid just because I'm old. I can make it to the captain's chair all on my own.
*snap*
PICARD: AHHH!

PICARD: Yeah, I'm trying to get Beverly transferred. Have a one night stand with a married woman and it haunts you forever.
DATA: Umm, captain? Look to your left.
PICARD: Hi Beverly! Coffee and kwassoh?

 

[Velocity]

Picard: Beverly, MUST you sing that song about nights in Bangkok and oysters whenever the Enterprise hosts the Intergalactic 3-D Chess Tournament?

Troi: Sorry, Geordi, I cannot....sense who put the whoopie cushion on your chair before the staff meeting.

Riker: So, Captain, how did your date with the Duras sisters go?

Picard: All right you three, tell us the truth about the whoopie cushion incident. I'm sure you know, because I can tell when Riker's been tapdancing around the truth.

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: So Mr. Data, would you care to repeat your comment about "redshirts"?

TROI: I sense you've switched your VISOR to x-ray mode.

GEORDI: You saw that in my mind?

TROI: Ah....no, not your mind.

 

[Triskelion]

Alien: You invented synthehol to counter drunkenness, parlor games to counter excitement and under-lighting to counter beer goggles. You really don't make it easy on a girl!

Troi: You're up, D Cells.

Troi: I am sensing...tiger print speedos.

Geordi: Damn! How did you know that??

Troi: You just told me.

Picard: Number One, if Doctor Crusher ever asks you to do a CAT scan....

Riker: Sir?

Picard: Don't let her throw Data's cat in there with you.

Riker: You called us here to discuss a design flaw, Data?
Data: We need more lemon pledge.
Picard: Again?? We'll never leave the sector!!

 

[inflatabledalek]

Picard: Why yes, I have slept with one of these women. And that's all I'm willing to confirm.

Geordi: ...And the complete and utter constant rejection from and being ignored by women really gets me depressed to the point of contemplating suicide...

troi: Jesus, who designed this room, it's hidious! Sorry, what were you saying?

Picard: Jesus, how did Captain Kirk manage to do that twice a day?

Riker: Those log reports weren't euphemisms, Kirk really did use to like riding horses.

Director: CUT! Harry H. Christ.... lets explain the concept of "Marks" again and why you should bloody well line up with them!

Picard: Look, Beverly, I'm sorry, I misunderstood what Kirk's old logs said. I'll never ask you to help with my "Riding" again.




















Unless you really want to.

 

[shivkala]

Picard: Ah, yes, the ambassador from Chessopia 5. Just wait until we start the dance, she's got a ton of moves!

Troi was always uncomfortable talking to Geordi, as she was unaccustomed to men looking her in the eyes.

Riker: Admiral Nechayev tear you a new one, sir?

Picard: Data stole the cookie from the cookie jar!
Data: Who? Me?
Picard: Yes, you.
Data: It could not be.
Picard: Then, who?
Data: Worf stole the cookie from the cookie jar!
Worf: I would never do something so dishonorable!

Data: Captain? Are you going to finish the story of Beverly, the one synthol wine cooler, and the, as you said, "Night of unending passion," you shared? Captain? Geordi, he's apparently gone catatonic!

 

[Bry_Sinclair]

The traditional Caldonian greeting of a rectal massage illicited mixed reactions from the crew.

Troi: So let me get this straight; Picard, Riker, Data, Crusher and Yar are all on the planet, though despite me being a Lieutenant Commander and you being just a Lieutenant JG, the Captain left you in charge.
LaForge: Yup.
Troi: That does it, on his next psych exam I'm putting him down as dangerously psychotic. 'Bill' will assume command and I can manipulate him with my low cut outfits to put me on missions and leave me in charge.
LaForge: Counsellor, I'm standing right here.
Troi: But I'm the one with alien psychic powers...
LaForge: Wasn't here, didn't hear anything, couldn't have stopped you.

Picard's daily ritual of passing wind in the turbolift before he got to the Bridge backfired on him the day he haad Tellarite curry.

Picard: Gentlemen, since this is a matter of great importance and seriousness, I sent to women shopping so we could discuss it like men. I'll get the baby oil as you start stripping.

Data: Captain, how long do you intend to keep Doctor Crusher in the new turbolift stasis field?
Picard: As long as it takes for her to forget about letting that boy of hers on my Bridge.

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Thanks for the Log Entry...

"Captain's Log supplemental: Five hours standing around like a bunch of idiots in Ten Forward waiting for the Barzan Wormhole to make its spectacular appearance, before realising it was on the other side of the ship. Fortunately, by then we were all so drunk that no one cared."

Technobabble versus psychobabble! Who will win? Does anyone actually care...? Tonight, on a very special Star Trek: The Next Generation...

Crusher: "You might want to give it ten minutes before going in there."

Picard: "I should have given it twenty..."

Picard: "Telll me again. Why are we standing around out here for hours discussing the situation on the planet below, at the back of the bridge? This is the Federation flagship, correct?"
Data: "The female bridge crew have commandeered the ready room to have their own conference, and we are not invited."
Riker: "They are thinking of forming a union."
Worf: "This would not happen on a Klingon ship."

Data: "Inquiry: Left cheek sneak, Captain?"
Picard: "On your own time, Data."

 

[bbjeg]

Geordi: Do you think you could cover up your "counseling" a little?

Riker: Sir, the Klingons are have a civil war spilling into federation territory, the Romulans are advancing, and the Ferengi... You ok sir?
Picard: Just contemplating whether I want to deal with this shit today.

Data: Continue sir, you were saying you could have saved him but chose not to in order to get the girl.
Picard: Shh!

 

[Jonas Grumby]

LaForge: "Shouldn't you be participating in the Krisallian negotiations?"
Troi: "The captain dismissed me. Apparently, cleavage has no power in their society."

 

[Mistral]

Picard: "OK, I want to know-Who threw the first punch?"

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Picard: "OK, I want to know-Who threw the first punch?"

Data: "That would be you, sir. You got, and I quote, 'totally rat-arsed' on a bottle of Chateau Picard 2312, and called Ensign Henley-Smythe in Botanical, a festering pus-pit of a ros-bif, insulted his mother, suggested that he was his own father through illegal use of time-travel, violently broke wind over his beloved geraniums, causing them to wilt by 57%, and then punched him to the ground, before repeatedly kicking him in the genitals. It took Lieutenant Yar and five security guards to pull you off him, during which time, and in full restraint, you still managed to make sexual advances to Lieutenant Yar, Ensign Lynch, and the control panel to holodeck 3. You were then taken to the brig, where you fell asleep while singing a previously unknown pornographic verse of Frere Jacques."

Picard: "Ah, the 2312, an interesting year."

 

[SciFi75]

Picard: Gah! Indian food and wine don't mix. My colon is on warp five.
Riker: For the fifth time, Sir, that is not the bathroom.

 

[SciFi75]

Picard: What do you mean I was drunk on wine and I shat in the turbolift? I don't remember a thing.
Riker: Believe me, Sir. It happened. I stepped in it.

 

[SciFi75]

Crusher: Why does the turbolift smell like an outhouse loaded with Indian food?
Picard: Don't say a damn word, Mr. Data.

 

[SciFi75]

Geordi: Did you hear what the Captain did? I'll be having cleaning crews scrubbing that turbolift until next Wednesday and the smell will never come out. I wonder what made him want to eat Indian food with red wine, and why he got so drunk.
Troi: Uh..yeah...I wonder, too.