TNG Caption This! 326: Infinite Legends

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone! Starting a contest on a weekend, granted it's a weekend late, but baby steps!

First up to the plate, we have the "Important Specifications" Award, going to:

Data: I calculate your odds of winning this game at 0.000042 percent, Wesley.
Wesley: Why those odds?
Data: That is the chance of my systems spontaneously failing at any given time.

Next, we have the "Buy It Now" Award, going to:

RIKER: You sold Data on ebay?
WORF: I'm out of blood wine.

Next, we have the "Comfortable" Award, going to:

Ahhhhhh, a little to the left....

Next, we have the "Clever Tactics" Award, going to:

An awestruck Wesley stood there for over four hours before realizing he was fooled by the Picard Mannequin decoy again.

Next, we have the "Accidental Telepathy" Award, going to:

Claire Raymond (dreaming): I wonder who won the World Series this year.

Ralph Offenhouse (dreaming): I had a thousand dollars bet on the Yankees.

Sonny Clemonds (dreaming): Hey wait a minute, how come we can hear each others' dreams?

Our Photoshop Award, goes to:

Captain's Log: We are navigating a very dangerous asteroid field which would greatly benefit from an android's reflexes or even, Mr. Crusher's ability to create, at the last minute, a means of avoiding whatever calamity we've found ourselves in this week. However, both of those crewmembers claim they are engaged in a very important tactical situation. Frankly, I call bullshit on this, but there is no way of knowing what they are up to.

Riker: Thank goodness, we were all starting to suffer from android sickness.
Worf: Not me, I'm just a carrier.

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Picard: What's the name of the tactical officer again? Year or something?

Worf: (thinking) Please don't be Lwaxana. Please don't be Lwaxana. Please don't be Lwaxana.

First Officers Log: I can't wait to get back to the Enterprise. Not only is the gagh alive, it's everywhere!

Picard: It's a beautiful day in the Space Neighborhood, isn't it?

Worf: Oh, no. Did he really just say that?

Data: Interesting, according to these polls, I am the most popular character on the show?

 

[Gepard]

PICARD (OS): You say he's been standing like this for three hours?

RIKER (OS): Yes sir. He says he's waiting for our guest to finish materializing.

PICARD: Did anyone inform him that Ambassador Trilek is an energy being?

Riker: ...I wasn't going to.

Unsure how to impress a Klingon crew, Riker deployed the "I'll huff and I'll puff" routine – to mixed success.

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Picard: "You know Numbah One, I tawt I taw a puddy tat."

Worf: "I wonder what would happen if I pissed into the transporter beam..."
O'Brien os: "Just make sure you're drunk when you do."
Worf: "Drunk, why?"
O'Brien: "That way you hardly feel the transtator shock, and you don't even remember the Admiral that was beaming aboard, ripping off your pips and busting you down to noncom."

Riker thinking: "That Barclay was shitting me. In through the nose and out through the mouth isn't doing a damn thing for my nervousness."

"Captain's Log: Supplemental. I thought it was awkward in the middle of Riker and Troi's 'flirting but not actually flirting' sessions, so I decided to escape to tactical for the duration. Now Yar's looking at me as if I'm judging her every move, second guessing every decision. The bridge already feels loaded with teenagers. Might as well put the Crusher boy at the helm. I doubt anyone would notice."

Data: "Tell me Mr Remmick, have your brains ever seen the light of day?"
Remmick: "What?!?!"
Data: "Just foreshadowing..."

 

[jazzstick]

Thanks for the Winning™!!!!

Picard: Is it me or does Lt. Worf's head look like a Three Musketeers bar?

Worf: Could I kill that???

Riker:Ooooooooo that's a big roach!

Counselor Troi's first day with her new look.

Counselor Troi: What? This really passes as a hairdo on betazed!

Picard: I saw it moving!

Worf: Me too!

Yar: Me too!

Riker: Guys you don't even want to know...

Remmick: I'm sorry Mr. Data but...you can't have children.

 

[inflatabledalek]

Frakes: It's going to be a pleasure to work with you sir, I'm going to learn so much from your decades of acting experience.

Stewart: Indeed. The first rule of being a great actor, is always knowing where the bar is. In this case... thataway.

Worf: Oh no, the Vardans!

Riker: I can't take orders from anyone who sounds that much like Starscream.

Picard: Yo Riker, the real foxy lady is up here!

Data: The birds do not appear that angry to me.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

O'Brien (OS): "Beaming Ambassador K'Ehleyr aboard now, Mr. Worf. You seem nervous about seeing her again."
Worf: "After her six month diplomatic assignment on Hershey's Chocolate Planet? Yeah, a little."

Remmick: "Just tell me about any 'what the f**k?' moments you can remember."

 

[JirinPanthosa]

PICARD: Number One, is that Wesley on the bridge, and are people treating him like an Acting Ensign?
RIKER: Yes sir. You made him an Acting Ensign yourself?
PICARD: I did? I don't remember...well, at least I finally finished the Golden Mile.

WORF: Now, transport some worm creatures into the beam with Lt Barcalay. I want to mess with him.

RIKER: Wait, you mean you're going to drink that?
CAPTAIN: Not until it's fermented.
RIKER: You mean, blood wine is made out of...
CAPTAIN: The blood of the weak. Why did you think it was called blood wine?

TROI: I'm sensing...much lust! I'm flattered.

DATA: Curious, Mr Remmick. Are you what humans refer to as a 'total dick'?

 

[R. Star]

Thanks for the win!

Picard: Where was the bathroom again?

Lieutenant Worf had gotten carried away with his "walk or I will carry you line." Now he was lying in wait.

Riker: Oh my lord, that gagh is still moving after I threw it up!

Troi: I want to pilot the ship.
Riker: Sure, we'll just wait until old man Picard's away on mission, what can go wrong?

Data: No Commander Remmick, I have no memory record of these alleged breaches of the Prime Directive in the three weeks I've been on board the Enterprise.
Remmick: You've been assigned to the Enterprise for six months!
Data: That would be a problem.

 

[Finn]

Captain's Log. Mr. Worf is about to meet the greatest and brutal challenge a Klingon warrior could ever endure..

O'Brien: (OS) Beaming up Nana Rozhenko....

 

[Nerys Myk]

WORF: What do you mean "it's stuck"?

O'BRIEN: Looks like Barclay pick a bad day to conquer his transporter psychosis.

RIKER: Whoa, I though the whole "farting in airlock" thing was a bad joke!

TROI: I guess he is a bit of a pompous windbag....

He's right behind me, isn't he?

DATA: You do realize it would only take a split second for me to reach across this table and snap your neck. Just thought I'd mention that.

PICARD: That one, the one who does the photoshops. I want him in brig before he makes us look stupid.

 

[Velocity]

WORF: It's been over half an hour so this pizza is FREE!

RIKER: Three hours of Klingon opera and this is only the intermission?

Picard: Oh yes, this view is much better than the one from the captain's chair.

Damn! Why do I let Mr. Data talk me into playing Battleship against him?

RIKER: Were you really looking down Troi's shirt?

PICARD: Uh, yes...I'll be in my bunk.

 

[shivkala]

TFTW.
LeadHead

After bumping into each other several times trying to move back to their chairs, Picard decided to go with hand signals to alert Riker of the path he intended to take.

Security Officer's Log: The Captain told me I had to be very observant as he beamed aboard this special passenger. That was three days ago. At this point, I think the Captain's just messing with me.

Riker's unbroken streak at bedding every female alien who came across his path was in danger of being broken when he saw the Klingon Lt.

No one fell for it, when the Captain suddenly had to take a walk shortly before everyone started noticing a gaseous smell from his chair.

Data: No, I do not have a parasitic alien creature in me and no, I would not like some, Mr. Remmick.

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: Frankly, I don't see a resemblance.

 

[Holdfast]

PATRICK STEWART (whispering): Uh, prompt?
WILLIAM FRAKES (whispering): "Engage"
PATRICK STEWART (whispering): Oh, right...
JEAN-LUC PICARD (loud & dramatic): Engage!

WORF (thinking): Ah, my inflatable K'ehyler doll is here. This will be a glorious evening.

RIKER: I call it my Gowron face.

MARINA SIRTIS (to PATRICK STEWART): You're marrying a jazz singer?
WILLIAM FRAKES: He stole the idea from that Future Imperfect episode we did with Riker and Minuet.

REMMICK: There is a problem with this ship, Mr Data.
DATA (glances at laptop): No wifi reception?

 

[bbjeg]

Picard: Did Data just call me a self-righteous, arrogant, pansy, know-it-all?
Riker: I'll limit his Trek BBS visits.

Worf: Today is a good day for Kamala.

Riker knew he couldn't beat that fart, no matter what he ate.

 

[Triskelion]

Helm, set a course for Starbase 12. Thank you, um...?

Ensign Crusher, sir.
...
Wesley Crusher.
...
Doctor Crusher's son.
...
Doctor Beverly Crusher.
...
The Enterprise's Chief Medical Officer, sir.
...
The Starship Enter - oh the hell with it. Bridge to Sickbay, one happy meal to go.

I wonder who has the A story this mission? Come on, transporter malfunction!

Riker: My first command decision sir? Then I decide...berry berry synth-froyo. And I gotta say, Commander Worf's insights into Klingon protocol have not been particularly helpful.

Kargan: He's a douche.

Troi: And when I turn this way, I can hear the ocean.

Data: Although I am fully functional, I do find it difficult attracting women.

Remmick: We all have since the Federation went to a non-currency economy.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Kargan: "What's the matter, Commander? You seem disturbed by Lieutenant Giral's appearance. Don't tell me those rumors that Earth women shave their pits and legs are true! Gad! Now I'm feeling disturbed!"

 

[Finn]

\

Remmick: Commander Data, have you ever had reservations with Captain Picard's sound judgement?

Data: No...What made you question him?

Remmick: He seriously considered Kathryn Janeway before selecting Riker as his first officer.

 

[Triskelion]

Riker: Magnify.