TNG Caption This! 313: Extreme Tardiness!

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone! Thanks for bearing with me with my extremely unreasonable schedule recently. The good news is that things will start improving soon, the bad news is that there might be a couple of rough weeks before it does.

First up to the plate, we have the "Get me outta here" Award, going to:

Picard: Her.
Riker: Acknowledged, sir. Ensign Ro, you'll join me, Data and Worf on the hostile planet.
Ro: Can I resign now, sir?

Next, we have the "Alpha Beta" Award, going to:

Riker: What have you found?

Geordi: Nothing yet. But these lights keep blinking out of sequence.

Riker: Well, get them to blink IN sequence!

Next, we have the "Here comes the Starship Gossip" Award, going to:

*silence*

Worf: Captain?

Picard: I'm going to be in the ready room. You have the bridge, Mr. Worf. If you hear some sobbing and banging noises coming from the ready room, don't come in until I ask you to.

Worf: You finally had the talk with the Doctor, didn't you?

Next, we have the "Swamp Forcefields" Award, going to:

O'Brien: One day, lad, all this will be yours!
Data: What, the force fields?
O'Brien: No, not the force fields, lad.

Next, we have the "In the year 2369..." Award, going to:

PICARD: Conan, we wanted to let you know that Leno is actually leaving this time....

Our Photoshop award, goes to:

Deep in the recesses of Paramount's studios, a cabal of executives are responsible for approving and vetoing the TNG creative staff's ideas. Today's topic: whether Data should wear a red shirt.

Captain's Log, Supplemental: Newest policy: Away team candidates will be identified by the successful completion of a game of "Red Light, Green Light" before entering the bridge turbolift. An unanticipated consequence has been the regular elimination of necessary "red shirts" through this process. Will reconsider policy.

Picard: We've decided to let you go, if you promise not to tell anyone we were saved by Wesley again.

Many thanks to everyone who participated and congratulations to all of our winners!

Thanks again for all the patience you've been giving me recently. Life has been crazy busy for yours truly, I look forward to it calming down soon, just gotta get to that point.

And now, lets get back to the blu-rays!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Picard: And so, Starfleet said that if you want to ever advance, you should grow a beard...

Computer: Warning: Laughing Gas has been released in this area.

Picard: Wait! That's the dishwashing liquid!

Gomez: I met a Ferengi who thought you were awesome, named Daimon Bok. So I gave him the itinerary for your next shore leave.

Worf: If you are trying to distract me- YOWZA! I mean, it won't work.

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: And how about that new Counselor, I'd like to show her my French Tickler. Know what I mean?

PICARD: Save some for me. I have to spend the next two hours with her!

GOMEZ: It just appeared over my head out of the blue!

LAFORGE: Hmmm, looks like we crossed the transporter with the replicator again.

 

[Triskelion]

TFTW LeadHead!

Picard: And then I said, "Wassa matta, you no lika my cannoli?"

Riker: And then what happened?

Picard: I gave up mob movie auditions and took up the Shakespeare. "Wassa matta, to die is to be banish'd from myself over here!"

Troi: Could you imagine! That pudgy old bearded guy was hitting on me! Me!
Yar: Like anyone would ever settle! Let's stay young forever!
Troi: We will!

Picard: If you could just let me have my comb.

Picard: Chocolate milk?
Gomez: It was my first porn with, you know - a bl - a blind guy.

K'Ehleyr: I see you found my filmography.
Worf: Yeah - I was searching for Klingon Asteroid Blasters.
K'Ehleyr: Happens all the time.

 

[inflatabledalek]

Picard: Aw, so having to take the time to tutor Wesley is eating into you sex life? Here's the world's tinniest violin.

Yar: Damn... invisible... tickling... aliens...

Captain's Log Stardate 41831.6: I suspect Mr. Homm is regretting agreeing to the Enterprise drinking game of downing the bottle everytime Wesley saves the ship.

Picard: Well, at least it covers the urine.

Leadhead: Right, time to start the new caption contest, and this time I'm not going to let anything distra.... Ohhhhhhh, hello.

 

[GameOn]

Picard: Ensign, you make me wish I was Edosian.

 

[R. Star]

Thanks for the win, LeadHead!

Picard: That's right, Number One. I have what you want and it's right here in my hand.
Riker: A fourth pip?
Picard: No, a condom. Use it. That's how Wesl-- erm. Just use it. Trust me.... what?

Gossip soon spread around the ship's ladies after Geordi's last physical. It seemed his blindness wasn't his only handicap.

Picard: Erm... hell, I'd get plastered every day too if I was her body servant.

Picard: Rub the hot chocolate off my uniform Ensign.... lower.

Kheylar: Worf... your comic book super heroine fetish is getting out of hand.

 

[Finn]

Thanks for the win!

Deanna: I told you! That happens every time Wil steps out of the pool!

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Stewart: "Just think, Jon! If our series ever switches to movies like the original series did, they'll surely concentrate on the action hero character, and you'll be in the catbird seat!"

Gomez: "You're right, Captain. Taking Commander LaForge with me to my quarters to help me change my uniform would be unprofessional. Thank you for setting me straight, sir. It's lucky we happened to run into you on the way there!"
LaForge (thinking): "Why, God, why? Was I Kodos the Executioner in a past life or something?"

Worf: "Nope. Nice try, but I want the full Wonder Woman getup."

 

[Gary7]

Picard: "As my first officer, I'm trusting that I can count on you with discretion. Can you keep a secret?"
Riker: "You got it, Captain. So... what is it?"
Picard: "I'm greatly intimidated by men with beards."

Lt. Yar: "Whose are bigger? Hahahahahaha--that Wesley, always so curious about everything. OK Deana, you can stop looking at them now..."

 

[bullethead]

Picard: Number One, the key to having a beard in Starfleet is making sure you don't have a duplicate before growing a goatee. Whoever has the goatee is evil and will be shot on sight.
Riker: Don't worry sir, I'm one of a kind... but I'll go with a full beard just in case.

Today's topic in The Wesley Shaming Session: his inability to hide being aroused by every attractive woman on the ship.

Captain's Log, supplemental: Mr. Hohm has consumed the ship's entire supply of alcohol. Unfortunately, the crew cannot tolerate Lwaxanna Troi's presence without it; I fear a mutiny will soon brew if Mr. La Forge and Commander Riker cannot get the still operating.

Geordi learned long ago that looking up at the ceiling during an embarrassing incident was the best way to avoid a superior's wrath.

Kheylar forgot Rule Number 1 of Dating a Nerd: Never make going out seem like a chore, otherwise your partner will stick to their job/hobbies.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Picard: "You'd better get out of that wet uniform, Ensign."
Gomez: Oh dear! They warned us about this in that special seminar at Starfleet Academy!"

 

[Holdfast]

Good to see the contests are still going; hope life settles down for you soon LeadHead.

PICARD: If you want access to Troi's secret surveillance video, it'll cost you.

YAR: Fully-functional? Girl, he wasn't even close!

PICARD: That's Windex.

PICARD: Fix the holodeck, Mr LaForge. Judging by the state of her, this must be the final scene of one of your holoporn programmes.
LAFORGE looks away, whistling innocently

K'EHLYER: The difference between you and me is that I make figure-hugging spandex look good.

 

[Triskelion]

Do you know what this is?
It looks like - a pube, sir?
A ginger pube, Number One.

Yar: And then - Soong programmed him to weep afterward!

Wait, I didn't add the roofies yet.

Gomez: A woman walked into engineering, and LaForge spewed, sir.
Picard: I figured.

K'Ehleyr: I'm sick of playing TSA vs Disgruntled Businesswoman. Can't we just make out?

 

[Mojochi]

Picard: Mot's manicures are great, yes, & his pedicures are marvelous too, but it's the Brazilian waxing that keeps me coming back

Yar: Then I asked him if Soong made it detachable

Picard: Merde... I better hide the wine

Geordi: Dammit! I just got this job & just met this girl. You are a cruel vindictive god, Damn you!

Worf: Joan Jett called. She wants her outfit back

K'Ehleyr: Said the guy wearing a sash

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

K'Ehleyr: I will find whoever put the cameltoe highlights on my clothing and I will kill them where they stand. This uniform is without honor!

Worf: Speak for yourself...

 

[Finn]

Lily: This is creeping me out, Marshall!

Marshall: But, this is awe...wait for it...some! Klingon foreplay!

Lily: There's something about this that feels wrong to me. I feel like you are thinking of your mother.

Narrator: ....and that show was before Justin Bieber played Riker!

Ted's kids: WHAT?!?

 

[Nerys Myk]

STEWART: Seriously man, it's the only way I can get through some of these scripts.

 

[shivkala]

Picard: And Beverly makes four. Yes, I am quite the stud. So, how many women have you slept with?

Denise: ...and then I told them I was leaving to pursue a film career!

Marina: So why are we laughing?

Denise: Because I realized I just flushed my career down the toilet and if I don't laugh at that, I'll just break down and cry.

Picard: Mr. Holm, stop! It's too late, the show's started, they won't need their understudy!

Mr. Hohm: Aw, man, I just blue myself!

Picard: There has to be a better way of saying that.

Geordi: I'd give anything for a major distraction right now.

Q: You rang?

Ah, yes, the resurgence of 1990's fashion was a low-point for for 2359.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

K'Ehleyr: "Hey, stud! Feel like rippin' some Velcro?"