Movie Caption Contest #229:

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone and welcome to the new contest!

First up to the plate, we have the "Zapp Brannigan's Ship to Ship intimacy" Award, going to:

Beverly: Captain, we're concerned. I have reason to believe that your... ramming the Enterprise into the Scimitar over and over again may be caused by some sort of deep-seated sexual frustration.

Picard: Don't be absurd, doctor.

Riker: With all due respect, captain, the "ramming" has produced a dozen shuttlecrafts already, and the Scimitar is filing for support payments.

Next, we have the "Logical Response" Award, going to:

McCoy: "Damn it, man, you green blooded hobgoblin!"

Spock: "If you'll pardon me for a moment doctor, I am recieving a hail from 1-800-Go-Fuck-Yourself."

Next, we have the "Constructive Criticism" Award, going to:

DECKER: Relax, its was just an early review. I'm sure the later ones will be more positive.

We have an extra award, going to:

KELLEY: They what?!
NIMOY: Picked Bill to direct Star Trek V.

Beverly: You gotta do something about Data. He rediscovered a video of Tasha, Deanna and I showering after a swim from our first year on the D. He created a holoprogram out of it and keeps the file in his quarters.

Picard: Number One, can you deal with Data about this?

Riker: I'll take care of it. *leaves*

Beverly: *smirks*

Picard: What?

Crusher: I didn't mention the video also includes Worf in the background.

Congratulations to our winners and many thanks to everyone who participated!

Lets keep things going!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Picard: Our plan of attack is the people who have never spoken on screen to go in first. Data, Worf and I will wait and see if any of you survive before going in.

Kirk: Remember, if it's an attractive woman who broke into my quarters, I'll handle it myself.

Spock: Okay, so maybe Scotty isn't the best engineer in the fleet.

 

[Mage]

Picard realized to late that his idea to send in the security teams as cannon fodder for the Borg should have been mentioned BEFORE he gave them phaser rifles.

 

[Triskelion]

If any of you are assimilated...please disregard the Locutus memory engrams of my time at Utopia Planetia with Scoutmaster Rick.

 

[shivkala]

Picard: Okay, that last engagement was a disaster. Crewman, I told you to fire a warning shot across the Borg's nose, not up it!

Crewman: Sorry sir! I'm doing my best!

Picard: Who gave that man a phaser?

Lt. Asshole: I did sir. He's my cousin.

Picard: Who is he?

Worf: He's an asshole, sir.

Picard: I know that! What's his name?

Worf: That is his name sir. Asshole, Lt. Asshole!

Picard: And his cousin?

Worf: He's an asshole too sir. Ensign Philip Asshole!

Picard: How many assholes do we have on this ship, anyway?

[Everyone other than Picard, Worf, and Data raise their phaser rifle]

Entire Security Detail: Yo!

Picard: I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes! Alright, let's try this again, and keep firing, assholes!

Kirk: So, let me get this straight, we're in the 23rd Century and the most effective way you guys have to seal off quarters is some tape and a box with red and green lights? Where's the forcefield? Who's responsible for this piss-poor job of securing Spock's quarters?

Lt.: That would be me sir, Lt. Asshole.

Kirk: Forget it, I'm not doing this bit again...

Saavik: Mr. Spock, take a note: Chili night is to be cancelled from now on...

 

[Nerys Myk]

KIRK: Could you guys play old-timey football on your own time? We got a security breach here!

 

[R. Star]

Picard: So, any questions?
Goldshirt: Sir, don't you think it's a bad idea to take the one guy who knows how to access the computers with us on the mission?
Data: My study on dramatic plots indicates the odds of my capture at 98.836 percent.
Picard: Who cares? Make it so.

Kirk: So we have cheesy leather vests and helmets? At least we -try- and protect our security personnel unlike those 24th century hosers.

Saavik: Captain Spock? Wake up! The abandon ship order was just issued.
Spock: I just had a vision of my future. If I survive, I'll end up going back in time and causing the destruction of Vulcan. Much better I die with dignity here.

 

[BriGuy]

Spock: My apologies. I should have instead insulted generations of McCoys.

 

[Nerys Myk]

SAAVIK: Will this affect my GPA?

 

[Herkimer Jitty]

Picard: "The Borg are far deadlier than anything you've encountered in all of your encounters. Except that last encounter, of course, because that's when you encountered them."

Kirk: "How'd he get in? We had the 'no entry' tape up! Unless... our culprit doesn't know how to read! He could be unstoppable!"

Saavik: "Worst. Pink Floyd concert. Ever."

 

[Balrog]

Picard: Rifles up everyone who's scared shitless.

Kirk: Guards, make sure no one enters this room until I come and get you.
Guard #1: Not to enter the room... even if you come and get us.
Guard #2: <hic!>
Kirk: No, no. Until I come and get you.
Guard #1: Until you come and get us, we're not to leave the room.
Kirk: No, no, no. You stay here and make sure no one enters.
Guard #1: And you'll come and get us.
Guard #2: <hic!>
Kirk: Right.
Guard #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop anyone from leaving the room.
Kirk: No, no. Entering the room.
Guard #1: Entering the room, yes.
Kirk: All right?
Guard #2: <hic!>
Guard #1: Right. Oh, if, if, if, uh, if, if, uh, if, if, if, we... oh, if... oh...
Kirk: Look, it's quite simple. You just stay here, and make sure no one enters the room. All right?
Guard #2: <hic!>
Guard #1: Oh, I remember, uh, can someone enter the room with us?
Kirk: No, no, no, no, you just keep them out of here, and make sure...
Guard #1: Oh yeah, we'll keep them out here, obviously, but if they had to enter, and we were with them...
Kirk: No, just keep them here...
Guard #1: Until you, or anyone else...
Kirk: No, not anyone else. Just me.
Guard #1: Just you.
Guard #2: <hic!>
Kirk: Get back.
Guard #1: Get back.
Kirk: All right?
Guard #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.

Spock: Maybe I shouldn't have had that second bowl of termites after all...

 

[Herkimer Jitty]

Picard: "You, you, and you: Panic. The rest of you are with me."

 

[Nerys Myk]

CARL: It's medicinal. I got a prescription from McCoy, if you want to see it.

 

[Triskelion]

Picard: Let me...just go change my shirt.

Phasers ready, gentlemen. The giant space ovum was last seen in here.

Spock: In the future when another ship captain wishes to come alongside and lock on, you might merely say "permission denied" - instead of presenting the docking bay and then torpedoing him between the nacelles.

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD (thinking): Perhaps I should have explained the plan for a frontal assault spearheaded by security before I passed out the weapons.

 

[inflatabledalek]

Picard: And from now on Mr. Worf is in charge of security due to the tragic death of Lt. Commander Smith.

Lt. Commander Smith: But I'm not....

*Phaser Blast*

Picard: Congratulations Mr. Worf, and welcome back. There will be a minutes silence for Smith... At some point.

Kirk: Damn it, if someone's stolen the Vulcan Love Slave porn Spock left me in his will...

Spock: Do you mind if I smoke?

Saavik: A Carry On Screaming reference at this point is most illogical.

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

CARL: "Ah man, this is some primo shit. Jim's turned into a Vulcan bird... the kind who looks she'll get even hotter and wider as the years pass."

 

[Captain Crow]

Saavik: These cloud entities are all over the ship! What should we do?!

Spock: First, let this one between my legs finish what it's doing and maybe let the one behind it have a go. Then, beam them into space and get me a cigarette.

Spock: I think I just followed through.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Saavik: "Captain! I can see steam coming out of your pants!"
Spock: "Oh, get over yourself!"

 

[Mistral]

Saavik:"Captain Spock! We've been hit numerous times and the ship is coming apart around us!"

Spock: "Relax, Lieutenant. This happens just about every week. Wake me if they actually order us to abandon ship."