VOY Caption This 94; Leverage

[Ln X]

The weekend starts here with the latest caption contest; have no fear for the Christmas holidays will have zero effect to the delivery of these contests over the next few weeks.

And now the winners of last week's contest...

Janeway: All right, Marla, I know you. You started it, didn't you?

Gilmore: No, sir, I did not.

Janeway: Well, who did?

Gilmore: I don't know, sir.

Janeway (grumbling): 'I don't know, sir...'

Tuvok - Scans indicate that this is something called Samuel Adams Winter Wheat IPA.

Tom: Poor guy... he didn't realize what he was getting into when that female Klingon offered to show him Stovokor.

Tuvok: "I made it all myself."
Paris: "What is it?"
Tuvok: "A cellular peptide cake."
Kim: "With mint frosting."

Leave me alone. I just found out I'm going to be fat in 15 years.

///

And now the special award:

Janeway: I'll miss the hedgehog. He was annoying, crude, vulgar, couldn't cook, but he basked in my power and authority. This man truly submitted to my will without fear. That's rare.

Double captioning mention goes to;

Janeway: You know the regulations.
No one shall have more sex than the Captain,
and since I'm in a bit of a dry patch ...

Someone: "Dry patch," I get it.

Janeway: Who said that?

Everyone: *** Laughter ***

Janeway: Mister Tuvok.

Tuvok: No one aboard is allowed to laugh at the Captain's "dry patch."

///

///

///

With things back in order upon Voyager, we turn now to the obviously divided crew and ask ourselves; how does such a dysfunctional crew work together? The answer is leverage...

Next caption contest 21st of December. Have fun!

 

[Ln X]

Doctor: Don't worry captain, I'm sure these vigorous massage routines will help to end your 'dry patch'.

Bolian dude: So let me get this straight... You sided with us but were actually working for Starfleet, and then you betrayed us, but then joined Chakotay's mutiny and betrayed Janeway. I have one question; how are you still standing here?
Tuvok: After pledging my undying loyalty to the captain, I convinced her that I could persuade the ex-mutineers to come back into the fold.

Disagreements in Main Engineering were settled by Torres and the officer disagreeing with her slugging it out in the holosuites....

Kim: So he is your next victim?
Seven: In a manner of speaking, I have found that men become more cooperative when I untie my hair and partially unzip my catsuite.
Kim: I'll say...

Doctor: I am giving you an ultimatum Mr Neelix, either improve the quality of your cooking or you may find yourself a permanent patient of this sickbay...

 

[jespah]

Hey, gracias for the win!

Doc, you're the only member of the crew who doesn't take a detour while massaging my ass.

Tuvok - Where did you get this?
Bolian - From an ancient warrior only known as "Mister T".

B'Elanna (thinking) - This guy is lame. Next time, I want a Kung Fu program, I'll make sure to program in David Carradine.

Seven - This one also likes long walks on the beach, Italian food and women in catsuits! It's like they were all made for me!
Harry (thinking) - I'm gonna program the holodeck for pizza in Honolulu. Maybe that'll work.

Doctor - It says here it's the seventh night of Chanukah, and it's signed by some guy named Tom Parisstein.

 

[Triskelion]

Having a holographic masseuse is such a relief. You're the only one who's never tried to come on to me.

<EMH reactivates pants subroutine>

It's a Bolian artifact, sir.
It says "Capricorn."
Yes sir. Astrology is sacred to our nightclub rituals.

Geez, all I said was watch out for snakes.

How did you find a reproductive mate in the Borg?
Borgies.

The tests are conclusive, Mister Neelix. It's much worse than a bad hair day.

With all due respect, Doctor - I want a second opinion.You made this diagnosis last week with Ensign Kim, as I recall.

Ensign Kim was sporting the Beiber, Mister Neelix. I was being humane.

 

[TiberiusMaximus]

After Vorik put down his rock and B'Elanna put down her sword, they tried to kill each other like civilized people.

 

[Timewalker]

Twice in the last 3 contests?! Thank you - after years of trying, this is really nice!

Doctor: By the way, Captain, the last batch of messages from the Alpha Quadrant informs me that Starfleet Medical has de-listed chiropractic treatments. By my calculations, this will cost you 10 replicator rations per week for the duration of our journey. Would you prefer to give up coffee or exchange services for holodeck time?

Harry: So this is the guy you've chosen?

Seven: Yes. He appears to fulfill all the requirements.

Harry (thinking): I wonder if I can convince him to will me his replicator rations so I'll have enough for my own Kal-toh game...

 

[Nerys Myk]

EMH: Why is there a tattoo of the Vulcan word for "bitch" on your lower back?

JANWAY: Damn it, Tuvok said it meant "courage'"!!!

 

[Triskelion]

What do you call a Vulcan in a Catsuit?
"Kal-toh."

 

[JirinPanthosa]

Yes doctor, this IS a real medical emergency. Now, a little lower.

Congratulations Tuvok, you've won the personality medal. Seriously, take it. You've totally earned it.

Let me be in more episodes or I'll kill you!

Of course he's dead, you expected us to renew his contract?

The crew shows no signs of a virus that affects your taste buds. Sorry Neelix, your cooking must have just been terrible.

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Thanks for the win!

EMH: "I just want to know, how drunk were you to get your head stuck in a First Federation toilet seat?"

Tuvok: "Consider yourself on report and confined to quarters until the Captain can come up with a suitable punishment."
Bolian: "For wearing a medallion?!?"
Tuvok: "Regulations clearly state that medallions can only be worn with a shirt open to the waist, and with chest hair on show. Is your shirt open?"
Bolian: "No sir."
Tuvok: "Does your species have chest hair?"
Bolian: "Only the women..."

Vorik: "Every seven years, Vulcans face the irrepressible urge to Gangnam."
B'Elanna: "Not on my watch, mister!"

Seven: "EnsignTaurik: USS Enterprise, Starfleet Academy commendations, six."
Harry: "Ah, Lt William Chapman, Deep Space Six, Starfleet Academy commendations, nine. Trumps your Taurik."
Seven: "This activity is futile."
Harry: "It's either Starfleet Top Trumps, or Captain Proton in the holodeck with Tom."
Seven: "Your go."

EMH: "I'm sorry Neelix, it's bad news. That outfit is deader than plaid."

 

[R. Star]

Thanks for the win!

EMH: Who knew that being versed in Ferengi Erotic Massages would be so useful?

Tuvok: The Illuminati?
Chell: We're a secret organization bent on ruling the galaxy from the shadows. Wanna join?

Vorik and Torres had no idea Vulcans and Klingons had similar thoughts about mating rituals.

Kim: You wanna date him? What about me?
Seven: You feign interest, yet when I asked you to remove your clothes and copulate with me you refused. You are designated as a tease and are henceforth irrelevant.

EMH: Yes, I think I've finally found what is triggering your symptoms Mr Neelix. You suffer from a rare case of holoitis. Being around holograms even for short periods triggers the attacks... (that ought to keep the hedgehog out of my placebo stockpile)

 

[LeadHead]

The Doctor: Hmmm... Interesting. Your ass IS grass.

Chell: What's your problem with this?

Tuvok: It is in violation of the uniform code.

Chell: So, when do you plan to start going after women in catsuits?

Seven: (off screen) I heard that.

Announcer: And Now, the Main Event! B'Elanna versus Vorik! The odds are... wow... seriously, nobody bet on Vorik to win?

Kim: Ah, Chapman's a nice guy. Seems like a good prospect for a date.

Seven: Excellent, I will contact him on your behalf and set up dinner for the two of you.

The Doctor: I'm sorry, Mister Neelix. You're not pregnant. I am!

 

[Ln X]

Neelix: I'm sorry, Mister Neelix. You're not pregnant. I am!

Doctor: Dear God, the man is talking to himself! Crazy and delusional!

 

[LeadHead]

Neelix: I'm sorry, Mister Neelix. You're not pregnant. I am!

Doctor: Dear God, the man is talking to himself! Crazy and delusional!

Neelix: Why were you just speaking in my voice?

The Doctor: (In Janeway's voice) Well, I never!

 

[Nerys Myk]

TUVOK: Get a job, hippie.

 

[Ln X]

Neelix: I'm sorry, Mister Neelix. You're not pregnant. I am!

Doctor: Dear God, the man is talking to himself! Crazy and delusional!

Neelix: Why were you just speaking in my voice?

The Doctor: (In Janeway's voice) Well, I never!

Nice recovery!

 

[Violet.Phoenix]

Doctor: How are your shoulders feeling now, Captain?

Janeway (mumbling): Mmm...Chakotay could learn a few tips from you.

Doctor: Sorry, what did you say?

Janeway: A little to the left.

Chell: Fascinating, isn't it? The guy who sold it to me told me it would give me "swag".

Vorik: Everybody loves Pon Far Fighting!

Harry: Ah Chapman...he turned me down too!

Doctor: I'm sorry to tell you this, Mr. Neelix, but you've contracted a fatal strain of annoyingus prolonginus.

Neelix: Oh my...what are my options?

Doctor: A write-out.

 

[Triskelion]

It's my chick magnet.
It seems the polarity has been reversed.
Yeah. I know.

 

[Finn]

Vorik: Have you heard of the T'Pol Method?

 

[Triskelion]

Vorik: Prepare for the Two-Ice Cream Cone Hand of Death!
B'Elanna: Ha! That is no match for my Yarn-Fu!