I gotta vent, because this is outrageous.

[sonak]

22 and 24 and they got MARRIED? Ridiculous age to even consider it, and you see the result. People have to start wising up and wait until they reach real maturity before they even consider marriage. Simply put, this is the kind of thing that happens when kids get married.

um, what? 22 year-olds have often either been working full-time for a few years, served in the military, or are about to finish college. As recently as thirty years ago, it was probably around the average age to get married.

 

[DanCPA]

I would stay out of it. They will likely stay together and in the end it will only cause a wedge in her family.

 

[Kestra]

Wishing the best for your sister-in-law and everyone involved.

22 and 24 and they got MARRIED? Ridiculous age to even consider it, and you see the result. People have to start wising up and wait until they reach real maturity before they even consider marriage. Simply put, this is the kind of thing that happens when kids get married.

um, what? 22 year-olds have often either been working full-time for a few years, served in the military, or are about to finish college. As recently as thirty years ago, it was probably around the average age to get married.

In the past few years I've seen many people say that people shouldn't get married before thirty.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

eh, why get married at all. But people do it.

 

[Dream]

eh, why get married at all. But people do it.

I thought people only got married for the tax benefits?

 

[Deckerd]

There aren't any tax benefits these days.

 

[Kestra]

Tom-- Just don't get mad at the sister if she doesn't leave and/or takes him back. Most people take quite a few practice runs to leave a jerk like that. Always have your door open, always let her know she can rely on you for somewhere to stay and for financial help leaving. These kinds of situations have their own timetables and though it's easy to look at it from the outside and see that she should leave him it's not as emotionally easy for some people to do it.

I just wanted to second this advice. I'm dealing with something similar, not as bad, thank goodness. It's really stressful to confide in anyone because I am always worried that they'll see me as weak or get mad at me for not getting out sooner. Or not standing up for myself. There's a strong sense of "Well, you're the one staying in that situation so you're not going to get support if you choose to remain there." I'm not talking about abuse or cheating mind you, but things aren't great.

Anyway, one of the best things is that everyone in my life is supportive of me and isn't just trash-talking my relationship or making me feel stupid. Sometimes you just want to know that people support you even if they don't agree with you.

As far as abusive relationships go, it definitely takes several attempts before someone actually leaves. That's pretty common. I saw it a lot when I was at the DV shelter and it's a decision they need to come to on their own.

I don't know if there's abuse going on here, but it sounds like emotional abuse at least. I wouldn't suggest that you personally get involved, but support your wife. And as a sister, I'd want to try to remind my sister of her positive qualities and serve as a counterforce to all the negativity she's probably hearing. Nothing over the top, just enough to give her some perspective and realize that his opinion of her isn't the only valid one.

If abuse is suspected, I'd open up a dialogue where she might feel free to confide in me. If she wanted to stay with him, I'd suggest making a safety plan. Also just practical things like keeping an eye on finances and all.

I know it's a difficult situation but you can't force anyone to change.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

There aren't any tax benefits these days.

There are here in the US!

My tax bill has been much more unpleasant since I started filing single again.

 

[sonak]

Wishing the best for your sister-in-law and everyone involved.

22 and 24 and they got MARRIED? Ridiculous age to even consider it, and you see the result. People have to start wising up and wait until they reach real maturity before they even consider marriage. Simply put, this is the kind of thing that happens when kids get married.

um, what? 22 year-olds have often either been working full-time for a few years, served in the military, or are about to finish college. As recently as thirty years ago, it was probably around the average age to get married.

In the past few years I've seen many people say that people shouldn't get married before thirty.

as long as we're picking arbitrary numbers out of the air, I say people shouldn't own a car until they're 27.

 

[Kestra]

Wishing the best for your sister-in-law and everyone involved.

um, what? 22 year-olds have often either been working full-time for a few years, served in the military, or are about to finish college. As recently as thirty years ago, it was probably around the average age to get married.

In the past few years I've seen many people say that people shouldn't get married before thirty.

as long as we're picking arbitrary numbers out of the air, I say people shouldn't own a car until they're 27.

There's really no reason to reply like that. To many people, thirty marks a certain milestone. People are generally more established career-wise and financially, and are more likely to know what is important to them. It's not some hard and fast rule and I didn't say that I agreed that no one should get married before thirty. I believe that there are plenty of people who know what they want at a younger age. But I don't believe that the number is picked completely arbitrarily.

Discussion is possible without so much snark.

 

[Tom Riker]

Whelp, I'm officially out of it, she's taking him back and working it out. When it all went down, since he met the girl at the race track, she to sell his race care and give up racing, which he's not going to do. So nothing is going to be resolved. he's going to see this girl every weekend when he goes to race.

Start the countdown for the next indiscretion. Took him 7 months since they day of the wedding the first time. I'll give him a year this time.

 

[Admiral2]

So my wife found out Friday that her sister's husband has been cheating on her. they were married in October 2011 and the affair started in july 2012.

at first he told her it only happend once and that the woman "seduced" him and threw herself at him. Fine. An ooops I can forgive, but as it went on, it turned into a 5 month affair having sex dozens of times.

So at this point, i'm mad, I'm staying out of, letting them work it out. They are 22 are 24 years old. I'm not perfect, I'm not going to be smug and act like a saint.

But last night before bed I blew my stack. Her sister called and said they got more into it and he admitted to her that when he told his parents about it, his father said he didn't blame him for doing it because my sister in law is controlling and bossy.

Then.... and this is what has me posting here... and trying NOT to just go beat the fuck out of this ignorant white trash bumkin.... he told her the reason he cheated is because she is never on top during sex and won't do anal.

I didn't sleep last night. I think of this girl as a little sister and I just want to get my hands around this idiots throat.

Talk me down.

Talk you down? Screw that! Go take that dumb son of a bitch down!

 

[Tom Riker]

So my wife found out Friday that her sister's husband has been cheating on her. they were married in October 2011 and the affair started in july 2012.

at first he told her it only happend once and that the woman "seduced" him and threw herself at him. Fine. An ooops I can forgive, but as it went on, it turned into a 5 month affair having sex dozens of times.

So at this point, i'm mad, I'm staying out of, letting them work it out. They are 22 are 24 years old. I'm not perfect, I'm not going to be smug and act like a saint.

But last night before bed I blew my stack. Her sister called and said they got more into it and he admitted to her that when he told his parents about it, his father said he didn't blame him for doing it because my sister in law is controlling and bossy.

Then.... and this is what has me posting here... and trying NOT to just go beat the fuck out of this ignorant white trash bumkin.... he told her the reason he cheated is because she is never on top during sex and won't do anal.

I didn't sleep last night. I think of this girl as a little sister and I just want to get my hands around this idiots throat.

Talk me down.

Talk you down? Screw that! Go take that dumb son of a bitch down!

Now we're in full Jerry Springer territory where if we say anything to her she's going to get mad at us. I've seen this a thousand times.

My own best friend went through this. I told him not to marry his girlfriend because I knew all the stories about her, he got mad at me and we didn't speak for nearly 5 years. Shortly after she had an affair and left him, 2 kids and a foreclosed house later, he lives in a small apartment and is dealing with severe depression.

People are stubborn things. And it makes me mad that they just won't listen to me !

 

[sonak]

Wishing the best for your sister-in-law and everyone involved.



In the past few years I've seen many people say that people shouldn't get married before thirty.

as long as we're picking arbitrary numbers out of the air, I say people shouldn't own a car until they're 27.

There's really no reason to reply like that. To many people, thirty marks a certain milestone. People are generally more established career-wise and financially, and are more likely to know what is important to them. It's not some hard and fast rule and I didn't say that I agreed that no one should get married before thirty. I believe that there are plenty of people who know what they want at a younger age. But I don't believe that the number is picked completely arbitrarily.

Discussion is possible without so much snark.

It was a rather mildly sarcastic response to the post, and hardly a reason to react in such a thin-skinned and defensive matter. But sorry if you were insulted.


And I believe that the trend of later marriages has little or nothing to do with "maturity," which often has little to do with age. It's about economics-high-school and college graduates can't rely on decent and secure jobs anymore, so they can't settle down to get married or start a family as early anymore.

 

[Kestra]

as long as we're picking arbitrary numbers out of the air, I say people shouldn't own a car until they're 27.

There's really no reason to reply like that. To many people, thirty marks a certain milestone. People are generally more established career-wise and financially, and are more likely to know what is important to them. It's not some hard and fast rule and I didn't say that I agreed that no one should get married before thirty. I believe that there are plenty of people who know what they want at a younger age. But I don't believe that the number is picked completely arbitrarily.

Discussion is possible without so much snark.

It was a rather mildly sarcastic response to the post, and hardly a reason to react in such a thin-skinned and defensive matter. But sorry if you were insulted.


And I believe that the trend of later marriages has little or nothing to do with "maturity," which often has little to do with age. It's about economics-high-school and college graduates can't rely on decent and secure jobs anymore, so they can't settle down to get married or start a family as early anymore.

I think there's the trend, possibly for the reasons you've stated, but then there are also who believe that people should get married later for psychological reasons. I was speaking of people who were taking about "should" rather than the statistics of what actually happens.

 

[Brolan]

I'll share something I learned years ago. You cannot safely criticize a person's lover, no matter how close you are to them. I don't know if it is a biological protection or something, but people in love see the criticism as an attack on their lover and will react badly to the critic. It will drive a wedge between the closest family or friends. All you can do is hang on and hope they see it eventually.

 

[propita]

Actually, I was reading some time back that an increasing number of people postpone marriage but not children. They feel "ready" for one but not the other. Yeah, ridiculous. If you can't handle an adult, how will you handle a child?

Evidently, many young men want sex but are not interestd in marriage. You see that attitude in all the movies where the guy is 30yo but is trying to act 17.

At the same time, many young women want the big wedding they see in tv and movies, but think having a kid without some stable home life is just fine and don't want to wait to have someone in their life who loves them.

I understand this is a generalization covering only a (hopefully) small portion of the population. But it's...unsettling.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

Actually, I was reading some time back that an increasing number of people postpone marriage but not children. They feel "ready" for one but not the other. Yeah, ridiculous. If you can't handle an adult, how will you handle a child?

These relationships are completely different and not really comparable. It would be like saying if you can't commit to another adult in marriage how can you be a dutiful and loving daughter to elderly parents?

Marriage breaks down far more frequently than does child and parent relationships.

 

[sonak]

Actually, I was reading some time back that an increasing number of people postpone marriage but not children. They feel "ready" for one but not the other. Yeah, ridiculous. If you can't handle an adult, how will you handle a child?

Evidently, many young men want sex but are not interestd in marriage. You see that attitude in all the movies where the guy is 30yo but is trying to act 17.

At the same time, many young women want the big wedding they see in tv and movies, but think having a kid without some stable home life is just fine and don't want to wait to have someone in their life who loves them.

I understand this is a generalization covering only a (hopefully) small portion of the population. But it's...unsettling.

this is a media stereotype of the "wandering guy" and the "ready to settle" girl. I just recently read an article that pointed out how inaccurate it is. Yes, as an overall trend men are more likely to want many partners before settling down(for obvious biological reasons), but the vast majority of men are interested in love with one partner, and settling down with a family.

Those kinds of stereotypes annoy me, because they're usually at the service of showing the more mature or responsible woman vs. the immature guy. It's lazy, and of course it doesn't divide that neatly by gender.

 

[propita]

Ah, but the young women weren't being shown as more mature and ready to settle,. On the contrary, they had stars in their eyes about a WEDDING where they're queen for the day, but realize they can't afford it. So they have a kid, thinking it'll lead to a happily ever after life. Not mature.

Maybe not entirely their fault (or the guys), since pop culture has Ben leading tand pushing them in that direction for quite a while. Anyone who can't or chooses not to think and plan their life a bit is vulnerable to just following along.