I gotta vent, because this is outrageous.

[Tom Riker]

So my wife found out Friday that her sister's husband has been cheating on her. they were married in October 2011 and the affair started in july 2012.

at first he told her it only happend once and that the woman "seduced" him and threw herself at him. Fine. An ooops I can forgive, but as it went on, it turned into a 5 month affair having sex dozens of times.

So at this point, i'm mad, I'm staying out of, letting them work it out. They are 22 are 24 years old. I'm not perfect, I'm not going to be smug and act like a saint.

But last night before bed I blew my stack. Her sister called and said they got more into it and he admitted to her that when he told his parents about it, his father said he didn't blame him for doing it because my sister in law is controlling and bossy.

Then.... and this is what has me posting here... and trying NOT to just go beat the fuck out of this ignorant white trash bumkin.... he told her the reason he cheated is because she is never on top during sex and won't do anal.

I didn't sleep last night. I think of this girl as a little sister and I just want to get my hands around this idiots throat.

Talk me down.

 

[Jan]

Man blaming the woman for their own lacks? Epic fail. But while I would encourage you giving him a tongue-lashing, it would only hurt everybody, including your fist, to try to beat some sense into him. I hope you'll be able to assure your SiL that none of her husband's acts are in any way her fault.

Jan

 

[Robert Maxwell]

A few things:

1. Your sister-in-law's husband sounds like a complete asshole.
2. Your sister-in-law may not have been very smart in marrying him, but I'm sure not one to talk.
3. Cheating due to a lack of sexual variety is, well... I don't know what it is, but it's pretty damn stupid.
4. This is ultimately none of your business except in terms of supporting your wife, and possibly your sister-in-law if she wises up and decides to leave this jerk.
5. Prison is not a pleasant place to be.

 

[Pingfah]

A mindnumbingly boring sex life is a very valid reason to break up with someone if it can't be resolved otherwise, but not to cheat on them.

 

[Tom Riker]

A few things:

1. Your sister-in-law's husband sounds like a complete asshole.
2. Your sister-in-law may not have been very smart in marrying him, but I'm sure not one to talk.
3. Cheating due to a lack of sexual variety is, well... I don't know what it is, but it's pretty damn stupid.
4. This is ultimately none of your business except in terms of supporting your wife, and possibly your sister-in-law if she wises up and decides to leave this jerk.
5. Prison is not a pleasant place to be.

I know. i'd never beat him up, i'm not going to ruin my life beacuse he's an idiot. besides, he's a convicted felon. did hard time for attempted vehiciualr homicide while intoxicated, he's the first boyfriend she ever had, and so she's terrified to leave him and be alone.

My wife's family is the type that everyone stays out of everyones business and let's people make their own mkstakes while my family is the first one to call you friggin idiot if you're being treated like a doormat.

I'm glad I live an hour away, it makes it easier to stay out, but knowing he's said these things to her, and who knows what else that she hasn't told my wife, makes it very hard for me to ever consider being in the same room with him again. He has effectively turned his affair around on her and is saying it is her fault he cheated.

 

[SeerSGB]

Tom, I hope your wife's sister all the best with this. Whatever his "Excuse", fact is he decided to cheat rather than talk it out with her.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

A few things:

1. Your sister-in-law's husband sounds like a complete asshole.
2. Your sister-in-law may not have been very smart in marrying him, but I'm sure not one to talk.
3. Cheating due to a lack of sexual variety is, well... I don't know what it is, but it's pretty damn stupid.
4. This is ultimately none of your business except in terms of supporting your wife, and possibly your sister-in-law if she wises up and decides to leave this jerk.
5. Prison is not a pleasant place to be.

I know. i'd never beat him up, i'm not going to ruin my life beacuse he's an idiot. besides, he's a convicted felon. did hard time for attempted vehiciualr homicide while intoxicated, he's the first boyfriend she ever had, and so she's terrified to leave him and be alone.

My wife's family is the type that everyone stays out of everyones business and let's people make their own mkstakes while my family is the first one to call you friggin idiot if you're being treated like a doormat.

I'm glad I live an hour away, it makes it easier to stay out, but knowing he's said these things to her, and who knows what else that she hasn't told my wife, makes it very hard for me to ever consider being in the same room with him again. He has effectively turned his affair around on her and is saying it is her fault he cheated.

Good lord. Yes, it sounds like she made a very ill-considered choice. She can do better. It's a shame she married him and will have to deal with the consequences of that, but she's young enough to get out of it and find someone who isn't a complete asshole.

 

[Tom Riker]

A few things:

1. Your sister-in-law's husband sounds like a complete asshole.
2. Your sister-in-law may not have been very smart in marrying him, but I'm sure not one to talk.
3. Cheating due to a lack of sexual variety is, well... I don't know what it is, but it's pretty damn stupid.
4. This is ultimately none of your business except in terms of supporting your wife, and possibly your sister-in-law if she wises up and decides to leave this jerk.
5. Prison is not a pleasant place to be.

I know. i'd never beat him up, i'm not going to ruin my life beacuse he's an idiot. besides, he's a convicted felon. did hard time for attempted vehiciualr homicide while intoxicated, he's the first boyfriend she ever had, and so she's terrified to leave him and be alone.

My wife's family is the type that everyone stays out of everyones business and let's people make their own mkstakes while my family is the first one to call you friggin idiot if you're being treated like a doormat.

I'm glad I live an hour away, it makes it easier to stay out, but knowing he's said these things to her, and who knows what else that she hasn't told my wife, makes it very hard for me to ever consider being in the same room with him again. He has effectively turned his affair around on her and is saying it is her fault he cheated.

Good lord. Yes, it sounds like she made a very ill-considered choice. She can do better. It's a shame she married him and will have to deal with the consequences of that, but she's young enough to get out of it and find someone who isn't a complete asshole.

What I'm worried about is that my father in-law did this three times to my mother in law. and each time he begged and cajoled himself back into her good graces. and my mother inlaw won't even talk to her about it. so she's sees parents who have went through this and the mom dealt with it.

 

[auntiehill]

^Which explains a lot about why the sister married that dick in the first place.

If you want to help, offer the sister some support if (and, with any luck, WHEN) she decides to leave his sorry ass.

 

[Deckerd]

I'd keep out of it. Your job is to support your own wife. It's worth pointing out that what the cheating husband is doing is a classic trick of blaming the wife for his adultery. If she doesn't realise this then she will start to blame herself. Their marriage might have been ill advised and doomed but her husband's decision to fuck someone else is absolutely not her fault.

 

[Gaith]

Best wishes for your sister in terms of DTMFA-ing this creep. If she doesn't seem inclined to... well, forwarding her this Onion piece may not help, but I can't think of too many other remedies offhand.

You haven't shared your wife's take on all this. Regardless, the healthiest thing you can do is probably just to do your best to support and affirm her position (assuming it's the right one).

 

[Captrek]

Well, your friend obviously has two choices:

1) Divorce the fucker.
2) Accept the fact that this is but one of many affairs he is going to have.

Help her realize this so she can at least make the choice with her eyes open.

 

[siskokid888]

22 and 24 and they got MARRIED? Ridiculous age to even consider it, and you see the result. People have to start wising up and wait until they reach real maturity before they even consider marriage. Simply put, this is the kind of thing that happens when kids get married.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

^ I would hardly classify people in their 20's as "kids", in general. That seems like a reasonable age to get married.

 

[B.J.]

^ Nothing wrong with getting married at that age, provided it's to the right person. I got married at 23 straight out of college. Still going very strong 14 years later. In fact, almost everyone that I know that got married in or just out of college (which is a lot of people since I was in band) are still married today.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Loretta Lynn (the country singer) got married at 13. She stayed married to the man until he died.

As for this situation: I would stay out of it. I don't see how confronting the guy directly could ever help. Just take the sister-in-law aside in private and explain things to her. That's really all that can be done. Oh, and give her some mace to use - just in case.

 

[Grey]

^Which explains a lot about why the sister married that dick in the first place.

If you want to help, offer the sister some support if (and, with any luck, WHEN) she decides to leave his sorry ass.

This is what I would have said.

While it scares me that people like your sister in law sometimes choose to stay with assholes because putting up with abuse is better, in their minds, then being alone...well, there is no way to make that choice for other people. Let's hope she can see the way out of this!

But good for you for caring so much, and being there to support her! Keep reminding her that what happened wasn't her fault and that she deserves better!

Sorry to hear you're all going through this.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

Tom-- Just don't get mad at the sister if she doesn't leave and/or takes him back. Most people take quite a few practice runs to leave a jerk like that. Always have your door open, always let her know she can rely on you for somewhere to stay and for financial help leaving. These kinds of situations have their own timetables and though it's easy to look at it from the outside and see that she should leave him it's not as emotionally easy for some people to do it.

 

[Captain Ice]

Tom, I don't have any sage advice. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Were I in your shoes, I would be hard pressed not to put this asshole in the hospital myself, distance be damned.

Just curious though, what is your wife's take on this? Since it's her sister, she should take the lead in dealing with it and you should support whatever she decides to do.

 

[Tom Riker]

Tom, I don't have any sage advice. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Were I in your shoes, I would be hard pressed not to put this asshole in the hospital myself, distance be damned.

Just curious though, what is your wife's take on this? Since it's her sister, she should take the lead in dealing with it and you should support whatever she decides to do.

Mad and disgusted. Doesn't want anything else to do with him. She's very protective of her sisters and it took a long time for her to approve of someone dating her and then he turns around and not only cheats but blames her for it.